I think one of the best pieces of advice I was given about not fully enjoying sex because of pain was to "Fake it til you make it!".  Simply put, the thought was if you act as if you're enjoying yourself, eventually, the enjoyment might come naturally.  For me this means that by concentrating on making it seem as if I'm enjoying myself, it takes my mind off of the pain that overrides the sensations I'm feeling.  By not focusing on the pain, I begin to let the sensations take over and eventually, begin to enjoy myself. 

I'm not denying that having no demands placed on me to "perform" helps greatly. Communication of both partner's needs is key.  It's not always an easy discussion to have.  But, if done well, it can lead to less pressure on both parties. 

If you are the person who is disabled, communicate your needs - say what hurts, what feels good, tell your need to frequently change positions if needed and the myriad other things that may need to be adjusted.  Use as many coping tricks to reduce the problems before they happen.  If lack of desire is your issue decide- is it medicine related, depression related, fear based?  Have a frank discussion with your doctor about the issues if it is medicine or depression related.  If it is fear related, explore the source of that fear and try to overcome it.  If stiffness and pain are the problems, take a pain killer shortly before sex.  If a warm bath helps, make it part of the fun.  Same for gentle massages.  Do what is needed to reduce the stress on your body. If that means propping yourself up on pillows, do so.  If morning is the best time of day for you, schedule sex then.  Schedules hardly seem exciting, but with a bit of mystery and some anticipation, they can become amazing! 

If you are the partner of the disabled person, listen to your partner.  Be open to trying things differently.  Also, express any fears you have of causing pain.  In many discussions I've had with women with Ra and/or fibro.  I've heard "My husband is afraid to touch me for fear of hurting me."  If this is the case, ask what hurts and what doesn't. Also know that what hurts one day, may not hurt another day.  Discuss what you need and ways to accommodate both parties.  Work with each other to make the relationship work. 

We hope that you find these links informative.  If you have any questions or comments about them please do not hesitate to contact me at This email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it

In Sickness and Health

http://arthritis.about.com/cs/sex/a/sicknesshealth.htm

The words "in sickness and in health" have been spoken innumerous times as marriage vows have been exchanged. The words are spoken with heartfelt promise and devotion. It is with good, unfailing intention that the vow is made between the bride and groom. What happens though when one spouse actually does become saddled with sickness, and the other spouse remains poised with good health? Without doubt, complications arise.

Love, Sex and Arthritis

http://arthritis.about.com/cs/sex/a/lovesexarth.htm

Don't let illness take the life out of living.

People who live with chronic arthritis face pain, disability, and limitation on a daily basis. However, they still must live their best life and as close to "normalcy" as possible.

"I Have Arthritis": When is it the best time to tell?
Socializing and meeting new people can be intimidating for young adults with arthritis. Would a frank discussion about arthritis with a new friend put them at ease or make them feel burdened?

Arthritis And Sexuality
Sex is a pleasurable expression of love and intimacy. The pain and limitations from chronic arthritis can interfere but the complications can be overcome.

The Soothing Power Of Snuggling
People with arthritis want to be touched but their pain may make them fear it. Touching gives a person the sense of being cared about and cared for, comforted and soothed.

How Arthritis Complicates Sexuality
Pain, stiffness, limited mobility, and fatigue due to arthritis make life a challenge at times. It also can make sex a challenge, rather than pure pleasure. Much can be done though to ease the difficulties and bring the joy back into sex.

6 Steps to Better Senior Sex
Many older adults report that their sex lives actually improve as they age. Once the children are grown and work doesn’t require the energy it used to, couples can relax together and enjoy each other without the old distractions. They find that senior sex gets better. With a little creativity and communication, you can improve your sex life too.

Healthy Senior Sex: Need for Intimacy Doesn’t Diminish
Let’s put one myth to bed right now. Getting older doesn’t mean losing your desire for sex or your need for affection and intimacy. Your need for intimate physical and emotional connection is ageless.

Senior Dating: 10 Great First Date Ideas
Does the idea of dating make you a little nervous? That's a natural feeling for adults of any age, especially if you're out of practice. Whether you’re 16 or 65, the best way to enjoy a first date is to keep an open mind, focus on the things you have in common, and make your primary goal to simply have a good time.

Sexual Problems Overview
Sexual problems are defined as difficulty during any stage of the sexual act (which includes desire, arousal, orgasm, and resolution) that prevents the individual or couple from enjoying sexual activity.

Female sexual dysfunction (Frigidity)
Sexual dysfunction in women may involve a reduction in sex drive, aversion to sexual activity, difficulty becoming aroused, inability to achieve orgasm, or pain with sexual activity or intercourse.

Inhibited sexual desire (ISD)
Inhibited sexual desire (ISD) refers to a low level of sexual interest. The person with ISD fails to initiate or respond to their partner's desire for sexual activity. ISD may be primary (where the person has never felt much sexual desire or interest), or secondary (where the person used to possess sexual desire, but no longer does).

Drug-induced erectile dysfunction - Drugs may cause impotence
Drugs may cause impotence. Various medications and drugs can have an affect on sexual arousal and sexual performance.

Perfectly Normal: Living and Loving with Low Libido
In a recent survey, 43% of women and 31% of men identified one or more sexual problems. Among women, 33% complained of low sexual desire, 24% reported inability to come to orgasm, and 14% stated they experience pain during sex. For men, 28% reported premature ejaculation, 15% rated themselves as lacking interest in sex and 10% said they had erection problems.

Sexuality and Chronic Pain
People need physical and emotional intimacy almost as much as they need food and shelter. Sexuality helps fulfill the vital need for human connection. It's a natural and healthy part of living, as well as an important aspect of your identity as a man or woman. But when chronic pain invades your life, the pleasures of sexuality often disappear, from MayoClinic.

Intimacy In Arthritis
Arthritis does not mean the end of sexual relationships, but it does require adjustment and a new focus, from drdoc.

'We're Done' Can be Predicted Before 'I Do'
Sensitivity, support foretell marital success; negativity, sarcasm its failure, from MedicineNet.

Dating and Relationships: Five Tips for Dating
Arthritis can add another element to dating and relationships. Both may seem like barriers to forming romantic relationships, from National Psoriasis Foundation/USA.

Six Truths for Couples
Without underestimating the effort it takes to create a genuinely happy relationship, or the complexity of the problems couples typically encounter, here are the facts partners need to know in order to sustain a happy marriage or to repair and revive an unhappy one, from MedicineNet.

Dating: An Age-Old High-School Tradition
It's when you have Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis (JRA) that your dating situation goes from bad to worse, from CreakyJoints

.

Relationships and Dating
Despite the challenges, you shouldn’t let arthritis keep you from enjoying an active social life, from Arthritis Foundation.

The Impact Of Chronic Arthritis On Family
Many changes occur in the life of someone who must live with a chronic condition such as arthritis. It not only affects the person who has the disease, but also significantly impacts the people around them.

Chronic Illness In A Marriage
It can and probably will happen to all married couples. One spouse will get sick. Sometimes very sick. The well spouse will have to learn how to cope with many feelings and realities. It can bring you closer together or break you apart.

Ways Marriage Can Keep You Healthy
Many different research studies are discovering that being married can help you stay healthy.

Married Adults are Healthiest
A CDC report reinforces previous studies showing that married adults are healthier than those who never married, divorced, or are widowed.

Ten Weeks to a Better Relationship - Free Newsletter E-mail Course
This is a step-by-step course that can help the two of you enhance your marriage relationship. Find out why expectations and myths can harm your marriage. Learn how to fight fairly. Check out ways to celebrate your coupleness.

Ways an Unhappy Marriage Can Ruin Your Health
Just as a happy marriage can keep you healthy, an unhappy, stressful relationship can shorten your life.

How To Have Quality Time
Many couples today find that being married doesn't guarantee that they will have quality time with one another. Busy spouses have to plan to spend time together. Here are some ideas.

The Influence Of RA On Marital Satisfaction
Chronic illnesses such as rheumatoid arthritis (RA) interfere with an individual’s functional capacity, ability to work and his/her interpersonal relationships. The influence of RA on marriage, particularly marital satisfaction, has not been investigated in depth, from Johns Hopkins.

Family Stress Worsens Arthritis Progression by Deborah Cooper
Researchers discovered that stress in dealing with family members and others appears to worsen arthritis patients' reports of pain and joint tenderness. Learn how can you avoid it,from ArthritisSupport.com.

http://backandneck.about.com/od/sexuality/

Maintaining healthy sexuality when suffering from back injuries, neck injuries, and chronic pain conditions.

A New View of Sex
"Tantric sex provides an alternative way to experience sexual pleasure and bring new meaning to a loving relationship."

http://backandneck.about.com/od/sexandbackpain/

Sexual Activity for those with Back and Neck Pain

Chronic Illness in a Marriage
Coping Strategies from Chris McGonigle's Guide

Sex, Intimacy & Arthritis-Who are we doing it with?

For some it's a delicate topic, others may find it offensive, but most of us want to talk about Sex, Intimacy & Arthritis

http://www.arthritisinsight.com/feature/sex/victoria5.html

http://www.arthritisinsight.com/feature/sex/victoria4.html

http://www.arthritisinsight.com/feature/sex/victoria3.html

http://www.arthritisinsight.com/feature/sex/victoria2.html

http://www.arthritisinsight.com/feature/sex/victoria.html

The preceding 5 links are an ongoing discussion from 2001 on AI

http://www.arthritisinsight.com/feature/sex/books.html

Recommended Reading from AI

http://www.arthritisinsight.com/feature/sex/problem.html

Sex + Arthritis = Problem?

http://www.arthritisinsight.com/feature/sex/links.html

Links to various article and toys - some links carry a warning that they are not for the easily offended

Sex, Intimacy & Arthritis with Dr Susan Hoch

Transcript of a chat on this subject

http://www.arthritisinsight.com/feature/sex/alternative.html

Arthritis and the “alternative” relationship

http://www.arthritisinsight.com/feature/sex/woman.html

Sex and the Married Gimp - A Woman’s Point of View

http://www.arthritisinsight.com/feature/sex/man.html

Sex and the Married Gimp - A Man’s Point of View

http://www.hss.edu/Conditions/Arthritis/Rheumatoid-Arthritis-And-Your-Body-Image

Rheumatoid Arthritis and Your Body Image

Summary of a presentation at the Living with RA Workshop

http://www.hss.edu/Conditions/Fibromyalgia/Fibromyalgia-Affect-Sexual-Function

How Does Fibromyalgia Affect Sexual Function?

http://www.stdservices.on.net/std/social_aspects/disability.htm

Disability and sexuality Information for students

http://www.siecus.org/pubs/biblio/bibs0009.html

Annotated Bibliography: Sexuality and Disability

Huge list of books on sexuality and disability broken down by categories, plus links to more info

http://www.siecus.org/siecusreport/volume29/29-3.pdf

PDF Documment

•   Becoming Sexually Able: Education to Help Youth With Disabilities by Mitch Tepper, Ph. D., M.P.H.
•   Parents as Sexuality Educators for Their Children With Developmental Disabilities by Michelle Ballan, M.S.W.
•  Sexuality and People With Psychiatric Disabilities by Judith a. Cook, Ph.D.
•   From the Field: Kansas Works to Meet the Needs of Special Education Students by Darrel Lang, Ed.D.; Jan Erickson, M.S.; and Kristy Jones, M.S.
•   Sexuality Issues for the Disabled: Development of a Unified School Policy by Melvyn Littner, M.P.H.; Lorna Littner, M.S., M.S.W.; and Mary Ann Shah, C.N.M, M.S.
•   Sexuality Issues, and Policy, Guidelines: Queens Occupational Training Center
•   From the President: Sexuality Education for the Disabled is Priority at Home and School
•   Policy Update: Where is U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Thompson on the issues?

http://www.bcm.edu/crowd/health_wellness/health_wellness.html

Health & Wellness for Women with Disabilities

scroll down to the sexuality articles

http://www.diabetes.org/main/uedocuments/Channel15-Women.pdf

PDF article from the American Diabetes Association on Diabetes Affecting Women’s Sexual Health

http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/1475.html

The other half of sex and disabilities: Info for the non-disabled partner

http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/1005.html

Go Ask Alice: Sex and Disabilities

Problems with A-C-L lead to problems with S-E-X

Large list of links dedicated to disabilities and illnesses

http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-716.html

Article from the book Sex For Dummies on “Sex and Disabilities”

http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-714,subcat-MIND.html

“Dealing with a Lack of Sexual Desire in Women”

http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-715.html

“Drugs That Can Affect Your Sex Life”

http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-717,subcat-MIND.html

“Sex After a Heart Attack”

http://www.iidc.indiana.edu/cedir/sexuality.html

Sexuality and People with Disabilities

http://rocklaw.lexipal.com/article/14511

Sex and Disabilities Not Mutually Exclusive

http://www.personalmd.com/healthtopics/crs/arthriti.htm

Arthritis and Sexuality

http://www.arthritis.ca/tips%20for%20living/communicating%20your%20needs/sexuality/?mode=static

Sexuality and Arthritis

http://www.arc.org.uk/about_arth/booklets/6037/6037.htm

Sexuality and Arthritis

Find Creative Ways to Enjoy Sex and Intimacy Despite Arthritis Pain

How does arthritis affect sexuality?

http://www.orthop.washington.edu/uw/livingwith/tabID__3376/ItemID__99/Articles/Default.aspx

Sex and Arthritis

http://www.fibromyalgia-syndrome-relief.com/fibromyalgia-and-sexuality.html

A large selection of links on fibro, arthritis and sex

http://www.sunrisehospital.com/healthcontent.asp?page=/healthy/sexuality/index

Don’t Let Arthritis Ruin Your Sex Life

http://www.trafford.com/robots/00-0246.html

http://fmaware.org/patient/family/loveFP.htm

http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/442/8833

Coping with Fibromyalgia - What About Sex?

© 2006 Waynette Porter and Lyn Gottschalk