|Member Since||10/29/2010 01:45 AM|
|Last Online||02/14/2013 10:10 PM|
|A little about me:||Im not pregnant, I didn't accept $80 or $300 from anyone while I've been here in my hometown, Everything was rigged,they use my words-then they write about it in a public forum or publication and then when I go to use my own personality or my own words I am accused of trying to quote someone else.........amazing....they make me feel as if nothing is sacred. I cant even use my own personality for anything based on the fact that a bunch of vultures have already swooped in and tried to take every part of my life and personality and own it.
Who do I have to thank for attempting to pass themselves off as the original and then turning around and attempting to make me look like some sort of groupie fool. I am an adult woman and I dont appreciate being treated like Im some sort of teenagers so that you can look cool to all of the people out there.
Also, I am not attracted to anyone at the moment based on my own lack of self esteem from being repeatedly used and lied about. Not to mention the fact that my body is extremely out of shape and I am extremely self conscious of everything but my neck and head-i do not feel attractive at all-if my mother were here she'd pretend that she didn't even know me based on the fact that I grew up always immaculate-this hasn't been easy for me. Exercise and nutrition were always a part of my life but due to the constant threats and brainwashing I have been afraid to upkeep myself but now am realizing that the only reason i was threatened for trying to be normal (showering, applying makeup, maintaining regular fitness routines, eating the right portions and kinds of food) was that someone else wanted to be me and they had to keep her looking great and tryed to threaten me for attempting to be myself......they knew I would shine and I guess that was some sort of threat to the girl they were trying to promote. I was threatened for smiling, being happy, partaking in activities that have always been a part of my life, showering, shaving, plucking, basically everything, while the others were encouraged to live life to the fullest. This is not a jealousy thing but I am saying that the level of abuse I have experienced is astronomical and if you dont mind, ewe think you might give me a little room to breathe and try to heal as most people would have already tried to kill themselves by now and all Im trying to do is get my own identity back, as mine has been given away to many and I've been left to flounder in a world that has nothing to offer me. When I say that I mean that they take everything about me and then tell me i cant even shave my legs. I miss MY life. I am living the life of the person that got my life. And its a bad one.
I haven't stolen anything from anyone, I haven't killed anyone, Im not some child molester (kids dont turn me on), Im not a bad person, actually quite decent but not perfect.
It takes me way to long to understand simple things now a days based on the fact that my brain feels like its been pilaged for all it had and now i dont even have enough left to keep myself from walking out into traffic or being able to deal with multiple options at once. I get confused easily and cant be outside for long periods of time based on my auditory sensitivities (it scrambles my brain, too much noise)
And the man that I keep saying is not the father of my deceased son IS NOT THE FATHER OF MY DECEASED SON. for some reason or another this has become a global issue. My son was born 3 weeks early at 37 weeks with a due date of
10-12-09 and was born 9-22-09. I realize that the original due date I was told was 9-13-09 BUT that was also me having an ultrasound at 5 weeks pregnant and I also should mention that I didn't miss a period until January 2009 and that I had had a period The first part of December 2008. Which means I got pregnant December 2008 in San Mateo CA and that man from Canada that everyone thinks is the father (everyone is wearing earthtones and beige) happened November 2008, I had a period December 2008 and my first missed period was January 2009.
I am not against the country we live in or the stars or any other country but I dont appreciate everyone treating me with such disgust. My only crime was trying to save someone's hand during the sexual event that I had to take part in after 2 years of celibacy-i didn't even want to have sex i did it based on feeling like if i didn't that someone would be in danger.
My son's actual father was totally non-coerced and a very pleasant event that meant the world to me based on his treatment of our one night stand, was a total gentleman and treated me with the utmost respect.
By the way, I dont even like it when people go down me and the reason you should believe me is that I am so self conscious of how Im shaped in that area that I dont ever try to have someone have some sort of close up view of my vagina.
I am not angry with the other man I was trying to make the 3 year saga end for me. I have to keep reliving that frightning night when I thought someone was actually in danger and reliving the feeling of having no choice but to end a 2 year celibacy (also I want you to know that I am celibate that many years in a row based on my insecurities about feeling unattractive in my lower region, I have such a complex that I have basically tried to forget I even have a vagina) I love being a woman and i dont appreciate being made fun of and having people joke about trying to make me into a man but I dont feel attractive, not a lesbien, not wanting to be a man, but extremely self conscious of what I consider to be an inadequate female anatomy. I dont feel as if I have a pretty vagina. And I can lose all my weight but it wont change the way I feel about how it looks. Thats how you can be assured that I dont sleep around. Doesn't mean that I dont miss a normal adult sex life and it doesn't mean that I dont miss being with a real man.
I was thinking that maybe if i was honest with all of ewe that maybe you could back off slightly and stop trying to turn me into a man. I miss the pretty girl i once was and want her back-i even had a pretty personality, bubbly and full of life.
Also when I was 18 I had a bank account with 20k in it and I do not owe for a loan of $2500 and I finance a move from one state to another for me and my then boyfriend (Mr. Arnaud), paid 6 months of rent in advance, bought furniture (things for our apartment at 1960 W. Keating, Mesa AZ) and then took us on vacation where we went to the Southern California area and went to various attractions and I financed all of it and that includes allowed him the use of MY vehicle, the only vehicle between the two of us and people keep trying to make me look as if I am LEE and Im confused by that. I am confused as to why I should have to tell you any of this or why Marc (the boyfriend from that timeperiod) would act as if he owns me or the reason he's still in my life when we parted ways 16 years ago. I dont have anything against him but I dont understand why Im losing my entire existance when I haven't done anything wrong or the reason that I cant get certain people out of my life.
My Awareness Ribbons
"My son was born with a Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia which pushed his heart over to the right side of his chest, and even after two surgeries he ended up dying at 4 months old. My little Buddha man you were so brave. Mamma loves you and hopes to see you again one day."
"I have "Aspergers Syndrome" ... A high functioning form of autism."
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|For the month of May, I want you to all know how brave you are because of the battles you have fought within yourself and with society. You are all hero's! (Rape Forum Leader)
The hero is no braver than the ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
|HUGS to you all! sorry i havent been around in awhile...craziness with school but im glad to be back!! hope you all have been good :)
|Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.
- Joseph Campbell
Read the blog and then read the other blog www.quallychalet.tumblr.com
Read the blog and then read the other blog www.quallychalet.tumblr.com
|in regard to "no payload, no payload, and the loading" comments||09/01/2012||173||0|
|I heard the announcers of this football game say....||09/01/2012||205||0|
|Thank you to the nice man||09/01/2012||121||0|
|Something I saved in a quaint place||09/01/2012||104||0|
|My heart feels like its being grazed by razors.||08/28/2012||151||0|
|They are letting some girl probably swim in the Hearst Castle Pool just because I wanted to, as they||08/23/2012||108||0|
|I was only in this city to take a drug test, I dont even want to be here and they are basing me bein||08/23/2012||104||0|
|No matter what my location I am not a fraud. I have things to take care of and Im utterly exhausted||08/23/2012||115||0|
|So basically all of this is happening based on .................||08/23/2012||109||0|
|Im so alone, I dont know how to cope any longer without some sort of relief||08/22/2012||208||0|
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