Incest Survivor Online Support Group

I am a surivor of severe child abuse, incest and rape. I was raised by a severely depressed mother and an alcoholic father. I was the youngest of four children. My dad physically beat my mother but wouldn't allow my mother to beat me when he was home sober.

 It Was Not My Sin

My Incest Story

by stand2endure

P.R. Baer

I was raised by a severely depressed motherand an alcoholic father. I was the youngest of four children. My dad physically beat my mother but wouldn't allow my mother to beat me when he was home sober.

My mother worked nights and she would lock me up in my bedroom to keep my dad out. This made it very hard when I had to go to the bathroom at night and so I wet the bed a lot as a child. And this would upset my mother when she got home in the morning from work and she would yell at me and hit me until the time I left to school.

My dad would crawl on the floor outside my bedroom door. He would also slip money under the door to get me to open the door. Sometimes he would figure out how to get in through a window or remove the hinges off the door. This would go on from the time he came home from the bars drunk until my mother would be outside jingling her keys to unlock the backdoor coming home from work. And he would run to their bedroom and jump in the bed.

My dad would climb up in the attic and stay nude for days and only come down at night to get something to eat and drink and to try to molest me. He would go outside and roam around nude and try to get into my bedroom window. This was very frightening as a child.

My first incest rape was by my dad on the bathroom floor. I had to go to the bathroom so my sister's unlocked the door and let me out so I could run quickly to the bathroom cause she didn't want me to get into trouble when mom got home from work. I made it to the bathroom door and he grabbed me pulled me into the bathroom and locked me in with him. I remember hearing my siblings trying to bust the door down to get me out and my brother on the phone with our mother. I was around 6 or 7 years old.

I didn't never want my siblings to call our mom cause if she had to come home from work I would be beat by her cause she had to leave work to come home and deal with my dad. I would like to say this was the only time but it wasn't. I do not ever remember a time as a child that my dad was not molesting me. Some family says it was when I was a infant. I remember as far back to 4 or 5 years old until I was almost 15 years old.

My mother would choke me, tried to drown me, pinch me, slap me, pull my hair, throw things at me, scream at me, call me names, hit me with anything she had in her hand, bang my head up against the wall. When my dad left my mother, the beatings by her got worse. She would make me beg him to come home when he called. She blamed me for him leaving and she was very depressed I felt sorry for her and responsible for her unhappiness.

I worked after school from the time I was 8 to 14 to help my mother pay off all hot checks, pay back money she had stolen, lying for her, keeping the family secret and her out of jail I came home from school at 14 to find my bags were packed and two men were there to take me to a children shelter.

She told them I was out of control, drinking and doing drugs. That I was disobedient out of control teenager. What? I was scared to death of my mother and didn't dare disobey her she would of killed me. I had never drank or did drugs at this time. I never had sex with anyone but it was her sick husband who raped and molested me.

And now I sit in a room in a building and alarms would go off if I left the room. And my mother didn't speak t me for six months. I was so angry, bitter and hurt she did this to me. It changed me to not trust anyone.

When I was a child I spent a lot of summers on the farm at my great grandparents house. I don't remember how old I was when the incest started with my great grandpa and great uncle. My great grandpa and me would be outside, or in the another room or even in the car while great grandma was in the store and he would mess with me. And she caught him many times. I remember one time when he was chasing me and I ran behind the barn and he fell to the ground.

The family came out and picked him up and got him closer to the house and got him to the hospital. When he returned home he was in a wheel chair and he would blame me and use that to get me to come to him. So I would.

When I was 9 years old my great grandma told me to go into the bedroom that my great grandpa wanted me I knew what he wanted. I went into the bedroom and sat on the bed. He reached up and smiled and touched my face and then his head fell back against the iron headboard.

My great grandma got on the phone and called my grandpa and then had me walk to the neighbors to get help. I walked slowly and I prayed he would die. By the time I got back he was dead. I blamed myself for years for his death.

While I was out on the farm my great grandma's sister and her husband would visit. And he also would touch me. I remember one time it was my great grandparents wedding anniversary and all the family was there. I had to go to the bathroom. There was no bathroom in the house. We either used the outhouse or a metal pan with a lid that was under the bed. I was told by my mother to go into the bedroom and use the pan. I didn't want to go in there.

My great uncle was asleep on the bed. I tried to be very quiet so I would wake him up. I remember trying not to let the sound of me peeing hit the metal pan and wake him up but it did. He grabbed me and held me down on the bed and tried to put his penis in me.

My aunt caught him and I remember her and my mother arguing. Other family members came in to see what was going on.My mother got all of us kids and left dragging me by my arm and screaming and hitting me. She yelled at me all the way home and telling me how I bad had embarrassed her. When we got home she continued to scream at me and at bath time she kept hitting me knocking me down in the tub. She grabbed me and held me under the water. My siblings tried to pull her off me and finally she released me but that didn't release me from the beating or screaming at me until bedtime.

My brother was the oldest of thefour of us children. He was my mother's favorite and still is to this day. He got whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. He manipulate my mother and she always gave in to him. I had to wait on him hand and foot if I didn't I would have to face abuse of our mother. I would have to bring him something to drink, clean his room, bring him his plate, whatever he wanted I had to do. My brother was much bigger than I was. He would run through the house naked with a plastic bag over his private. He use to peek through my bedroom windows. He would also twist towels around my neck until I passed out. He would choke me, hit, punch, kick, and throw things at me. When he was a teenager he was told by the men at the church after my dad left that he was now "man" of the house. And he was responsible for how the house was ran. He took charge and demanded my mother to get rid of her television, radio, records, make-up, etc. He would push her up against the wall and hold her there, screaming at her and threatening to hit her.

My oldest sister was taken away when she was 2 months old for child abuse and my mother was thrown in jail. She got out of jail and didn't get my sister back until she was 2 years old. My sister was very protective over me and she took a lot of the beatings from our mother to protect me. She also would sometimes push me to the back of the bed against the wall so dad would not mess with me.

My other older sister was my dad's favorite. She was very abusive to me as a child. She also sexually abused me as a child. To this day she will not admit to the abuse and denies a lot of what happen to us as children.

By the time I was 13 years old both my sisters had ran away from and never returned home.

My mother and brother kept a tight reign on me claiming they didn't want me to turn out like my sisters. I was jealous of my sisters cause they were free and I was stuck in this prison where my brother was the warden and my mother the jailer.

When I was put in the childrens' shelter at age14 by my mother,I was the only one in the shelter at this time. The  I was on the third floor.

They would have house parents that stay the weekend. One weekend the houseparent was a man. He would be there from Friday evening until Monday morning. Now the rooms were set up that once you went to your room at night the alarm would be set and you could not come out of the rooms at night. There was bathrooms in the room.

On Friday evening we were in the tv room and he was drinking. I knew cause I know the smell of alcohol from my dad's breath. he was making sexual comments to me.

I went to my room and I was very scared. I pushed the dresser up against the door cause we couldn't lock our doors. He stayed outside the door on the floor in the hallway all night talking to me and trying to get me to let him in my room. I never left the room until Monday morning when the staff arrived and ofcourse he was gone.

One of the staff came to the room and tried to open the door and asked why I had the dresser up against the door. I don't know if I told her or not and I don't know what ever happen to that man.

After being in the shelter around six months still going to school and working in the kitchen of a nursing home. My mother still abused me mentally. She wouldn't speak to me, return my calls or anything. She had complete control and the staff believed everything she said. If she told them I was disobedient, running off, drinking, drugging having sex they believed all her lies. She had to make it look like I was abusing her. I just reach the point I didn't care anymore and I would start doing what I was being accused of. I became everything she accused me of doing.

There was a another girl came into the shelter and she and I decided to run away. We sneaked out of the shelter and walked the edge of the building outside our windows and jumped to the ground. She wanted to steal the houseparent's car. She went back in and got the keys from the houseparent by threatening her with a knife. I didn't know anything about the knife. She was driving and we ended up wrecking the car while being chased by the police. We both ended up in the hospital. I dislocated my shoulder, injured my foot and leg. We both ended in the the E.R. She told the police I threatened the lady with the knife, stole the car and was driving. The houseparent told the truth it wasn't me. I got 6 months supervised probation for joy riding and placed in state custody and placed back into the shelter. The girl got sent off until she was 21 for grand theft auto.

The staff decided to let my mother get me for the weekend. I didn't want to go to her house at all. I wasn't there very long and knew she was very upset. She started in on me and we argued. She was about 300 lbs and I was about 112 lbs. She knocked me to the floor and started choking me to the point I could not breath. I still remember the rage in her eyes to this day. Somehow I got her off from me and I ran out the back door. She began to scream at me to get back here and I stopped and turn to her and said something back to her and ran to my probation officer's office. He asked what happened to me neck and I just told him I want to go back to the shelter so he took me.

After almost 6 months of probation it was time for the courts to decide who custody I was to be placed in. My mother (who was mentally and physically abuse me) or my dad (who was sexually abusing me). Wow, what a choice for a child just shy of being 15 years old. I got asked who I wanted to live with and I said "Well, if my mother could tell me she loves me, I will go with her." I guess I wanted to know if she loved me or not. I would like to tell you she cried her eyes out, begged me to forgive her and told me how much she loved me, but she didn't say a word and never lifted her head to even looked at me.

I asked to talk to my probation officer alone. We went into another room and I told him that my mother would one day kill me and my father was sexual abusing me. That I was going to choose my dad and his girlfriend cause he would not come looking for me if I ran away. But I didn't know if I would survive or be able to get away from my mother.

I went into my dad's custody and lived with him, his girlfriend and her sons, ad my sister was staying there too. They allowed me to smoke, drink, do drugs, etc.

My dad left me and my sister with his girlfriend, she kicked us out shortly after and we went to our dad's apartment he rented to stay. My sister took off and my dad started messing with me and I left and started sleeping under a bridge a block from my mother's house.

I started hanging out more with the winos. I start drinking a lot of moonshine, wine, whiskey and whatever they had. I learned to carry a weapon for protection, and stole what I needed to survive. And trading sex for money wasn't hard my dad taught me that. I knew how to get what I wanted by robbing the men I had sex with. I thought I was ten feet tall and bullet proof. I could live my life how I wanted to. I made the rules and decided who touched me and who didn't.

To read my full story go to my diary at  http://www.mdjunction.com/diary/fight-the-good-fight