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11/02/2011 10:34 PM

Lost my Love to Lupus

grief
 
Posts: 20
New Member

My Love of my life, my best half was suffering from Lupus since 1998, its the same time around we met for the first time and it was Love At First Sight, I still remember how we met and how I approached her on the dance floor, its like happened yesterday. We got married in 2003, she has a few Flares and some very severe, but we always got through it. She was always so happy and trying to make people around her happy with her habit of smiling and always sharing and giving.

We had our first baby girl in 2009 and she arrange a big first birthday celebration in 2010 September. She is our Angel and most precious gift from God.

Every year we did a holiday and always enjoyed ourselves, I dont remember of any arguments we had, yes there were some minor, but, we could not resist being away from each other, we always had such a strong bond and we felt made for each other and nothing can ever break us apart, we went through some rough financial period and then a good period but, we always stuck with each other very strongly.

I can keep writing of the bond we had, We were Perfect for each other and Loved each other more then anything.

Then in June 2011 she got a minor stomach problem which developed into a major flare, for which was she was in hospital for 3 months and last 14 days in ICU when she developed an infection and was put on a ventilator. The suffering she went through made me go crazy, I was crying everyday and praying to God to help her and put that suffering into me, the disease effected her pancreas, lung, heart and blood, which got too complicated and she fought it bravely even with that pain and she pass away on 10th September 2011, when i was besides her alone.

I always believed that our love is so strong and so pure that nothing will break it and now she is gone, just like that gone and I still don't have any sense in this situation, people around me expect me to just move on because I am a guy, how is it possible? a week after she pass away I felt very sick and only thinking about my daughter did i get the courage to mentally push myself, but every day and every hour and every minute I think about her and feel what is the purpose of my life anymore? I have a very good opportunity opening in my career but what is all this for? when I lost her I lost my heart and soul and FAITH.

Yes i need to live for our daughter but i still feel and wait for her like she will walk in any moment.

I don't even know what happens? are we just biological beings who just go one day and dont exist anymore, i cannot and dont think will find the answer.

I just hope and wish she is okay.

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11/09/2011 07:57 PM
Arod54
Arod54  
Posts: 137
Member

Dear Grief,

There are no answers .... and the pain we feel is deep and profound. I lost my husband of 24 years 4 months ago and sometime I still can't breath. I miss him so much I don't know if the pain will ever stop. Yes everyone wants you to act like your okay but you know your not and niether am I, I just go through the motions everyday and try to get through the hours of saddness I feel. I keep looking for answers too but I know there are none. We just keep living you have your daughter to live for cherish her your wife gave you a beautiful gift and you owe it to her to be the best Dad you can be. Your daughter is your answer to giving your life meaning nothing else matters. Take the job you talked about embrace raising your baby girl and be strong you can do this and she would want you too. You must be a young man if you just had a baby you have a lot of life ahead of you make the a good life for yourself and espically your daughter she deserves a daddy she already lost her mommy now you must be both ....


11/17/2011 09:14 PM
grief
 
Posts: 20
New Member

Dear Arod54,

Thank you for the nice mail and words you send, the day I saw your message was 10th November - exactly 2 months after her passing away and I cried a lot that day, but your words helped me some strength to take another step ahead and try look at the doors opening up in my career.

I still havent moved any of her stuff and very scared to let it go....

There is not a single moment when I am not thinking about her...

And yes my daughter is a precious gift from her and I spend a lot of time with her and hope to raise her, how she would have...


03/19/2012 09:12 PM
Arod54
Arod54  
Posts: 137
Member

Dear Grief,

Just wondering how your doing and how that baby girl is ..... how are you doing? I'm sure some days you feel like you arent going to make it I still feel that way sometimes. I still wait for his phone call at 5:20 everyday. And I still hear him calling me babydoll. I still love him so I have realized that I always will but I don't cry everyday like I used too. Maybe that means I'm getting better.


04/05/2012 05:04 AM
grief
 
Posts: 20
New Member

Our Angel is growing fast now she talks a lot and also started writing a few letters and numbers, its so GREAT to see her grow and miss sharing these moments with "her"

I sometimes go very down, I have put my head so deep in the work so leads to high pressure and then start missing her. I have a similar issue like you, looking at the door at 5pm, she will come and pick me up pushing me out of office...I too cry less then first few months, but I still cry very often. I love her and miss her a lot. I am still not sure of me making a comeback from this. I have lost my habit of joking and fun side totally - its like I have lost most important part of me...

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