Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

Hi everyone. New to this online support but thought I would give it a shot. My husband is type II BP and he was diagnosed about 8 months into our marriage. At first, he seemed resistant to the help and trying meds. They seemed to work at first. Then he became unhappy with his job, so we found a new one and moved to a new state. He came first to get settled and missed me terribly. So, my son and I decided to relocate earlier than originally planned. I thought once we moved with him things would be better, but to no avail. I found him a new dr here as he wouldn't do it himself. Said he was too busy with his new job. He has only been to two appointments so far and now I find out he has been self medicating basically for the past several months. I have always been his supporter and the only one there for him. As of this week, he has informed me that he feels it is best if my son and I leave. He is so angry with so many things and goes into rages. As we all know with bp, you never know what you are going to get or what they are going to do. He has stated that he doesn't love me anymore and that he hates everyone and everything. We are in a new place and I am so scared and so alone. I don't know where the man went that I fell in love with over a year ago. What do I do? Do I stay and try to help, even though he has said he will refuse treatment? I love him so much, but am so confused. I have reached out to his family but no one is responding. Thank you and please message me....

Azmom, welcome to the group.

First off, be safe. If you feel like you or your son are in danger, GET OUT and call 911. Even if he is not threatening you two, if he is raging (and breaking things?), he is 1) out of control and 2) making a really awful and traumatic environment for your son.

Safety first. There is no reason to worry about what to say or do if he is endangering your son--you have to do what a mom must do.

Have you tried to, when he is calm, say "Honey, all this is really a huge change of heart all of a sudden. Don't you think that it is possible that the reason you are saying this is because you aren't on the right meds for your bipolar disorder? You know bipolar is about moods, and I think you are having a mood swing. Can we at least go to a psychiatrist and see what he or she thinks?"

You could also wait the mania/hypomania out and see if he crashes, but some don't really crash for a long long time and some people remain in a mixed state, so there would be no crash in that case.

I am sorry you are going through this! Why did he stop taking his meds? What is he self-medicating with?

Hi marriedtoit!

Yes, when I try to talk to him when he is calm, he simply puts his head down and says, "I don't know". He doesn't know anything right now. He just says he wants to be alone. He has attempted suicide once prior to me apparently after some drs just thought he was depressed and put him on Wellbutrin. Currently he is on Tegretol and was on Seroquel, only to be recently changed to Rispardone. (i think). I just found out two days ago that he had actually been taking as many as 9 tegretol and then down to 2, and then off, etc. Supposedly now he is back on. He doesn't want to go back to pdoc and refuses counseling. I just don't know if it is his bp talking or if I just need to cut my losses and go...He says that I don't want to really know what is goin on inside his head...He has never hit me or my son and I would not let that happen. Is this making any sense?

He stopped taking his meds because he says he is tired of all this. He hates the meds. I know he is not on the right meds. My sister is also bipolar, (so this is not my first rodeo), however, she is on meds, counseling, and she takes an active role in her care. He has no emotion at all right now when he speaks to me. He just stares blankly through me as if he doesn't give a crap what I am saying. Sometimes, I think I am actually making progress, and then nothing.

You are making as much sense as anyone can in such a mess!

I know he doesn't WANT to go back to the pdoc, but if he is varying his meds like that, THAT could be the reason his head is messed up. Remind him that bipolar people need to stay on their meds or their moods go all over the place.

What worries me is him telling you that you don't want to know what is going on inside his head. That suggests one of two things--he is thinking about hurting himself or he is thinking about hurting others. (It could also mean he is psychotic and is having delusions--talking to aliens or God or such...) I think I would try and get him to talk about what is going on in his head, to make certain that he is not a danger to himself or others.

If he IS a danger to himself or others, you have the means to have him committed, where they will get him back on the right dosages and stable.

When my husband was unmedicated, he would have periods when he would have to be alone. (He would go camping.) I encouraged this because I wanted him to flee WITH my knowledge of where he was going. Even medicated, my husband has periods when he needs to be alone and withdraw. They are not just the same as nonBP folks needing "me time," either. Perhaps your semi-medicated husband is having a period like this when he needs to be alone. The problem is, I am not sure from what you say, that your husband isn't suicidal, and so that is a real worry.

Welcome to the group. Sorry you're going through this, especially being in a new city without a support system. Keep posting. We're here.

I'm also curious as to what he is self medicating with and also how you found out.

Like Married counseled, call 911 if you are scared or don't feel safe.

My first thought is that he may try to hurt himself. When I woke up this morning, there was a note on the table where he was giving his PS3 video gaming system to my son, his step son. He hasn't let my son so much as touch his PS3 but now he is giving it to him??? Makes no sense to me...unless he is starting to give away some of this things as I have heard some people do if they are going to hurt themselves.

He is also a body builder, so he is a big guy!! I don't think he would hurt us, but he has so much hate for himself even. He isn't happy with himself at all and feels like he is just bringing us down and we would be better off without him.

I just found out he was self medicating yesterday when attempting to have a conversation with him. His doctor wanted him to have his blood levels checked for Tegretol, but then when he wouldn't go for his labs, I started having some thoughts. He then told me that he has been doing this for several months.

OH....that is bad. Azmom, CALL THE DOCTOR LISTED ON HIS PSYCH MED PILL BOTTLE and tell them what is happening. Tell them about the PS3 incident. The pdoc can make the move of having him committed, which would be the best all around.

Azmom, bodybuilder...could he be ab/using steroids?