Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

I'm writing my intro because I got an email from Rob saying he would hunt me down if I didn't participate

I am married to a BP woman who is the mother of my two kids. Several years ago, after our second kid was born, she began to withdraw emotionally and became immersed in online gaming. She was a stay-at-home mom but I sent my kids off to full-time daycare out of concern for the quality of their care and for her well-being. Despite my best efforts, she never seriously pursued getting a job outside of the home. I was stuck as the bread-winner. I was the maid too. She was too "stressed and overwhelmed" to do housework. I was the nanny as well. She never put her computer down and often yelled at the kids if they were distracting. She began having a few mixed drinks at night which quickly progressed to 10+ drinks a day.

I managed to survive three years of this. My breaking point came when I was diagnosed with cancer and had to have surgery on my neck/face. I was told my employment contract wasn't going to be renewed and I would loose my health insurance. I begged her to look for a job, any job, with health benefits. She didn't. She lied to me about even trying to look.

I asked for a divorce in January. When I did, I got a "I knew this was coming" as a response. It was then I did something that I'm not proud of... I snooped.

I found out that during the time she was a stay-at-home mom with fulltime daycare that she was developing relationships online. She would do erotic chat, send naked pictures of herself, do phone sex, webcams, and even met-up with guys in a local hotel. This had been going on for years.

We entered marriage counseling. She had stopped drinking but kept up with her boyfriends. I threatened to leave and she said she couldn't take care of the kids and threatened to kill herself.

I took her to the ER for a psych eval and they put her into a partial-hospitalization program on the contingency I stay to look after her. She was prescribed mood stabilizers and antidepressants. She went to therapy at the PHP daily. She is trying her best to get better.

Unfortunately, I can't seem to accept what has happened. I'm in individual therapy and marriage counseling. I'm still in shock.. even months later. I don't know how to begin moving on.

I do take a lot of pride in staying to fight instead of running away. The way I figure it, the hell I'm going through to stay with her and see if we could reconcile means that even if we divorce my kids will have a sober, stable mother.

Anyway, that's my story. It sucks.

Welcome, I am not sure who Rob is, but you are in the right place so don't feel alone, this has happened to many of us. It varies in ways, but the bullet points are the same.

I don't know how long it has been that you have gone through this. Before my husband being diagnosed, when he was drinking heavily 15 years ago, he went out of our marriage. First I never thought I would have to experience this sort of betrayal in my lifetime. I was so careful and cautious in finding my soulmate/partner for life, I didn't think I would have to. When my husband got sober, started working a program with a sponsor, he wanted and seeked my forgiveness. I gave it to him, with conditions of us both getting counseling so we would have the tools to stop this from happening again. In time I was able to trust him again wholeheartedly and we were bestfriends/soulmates again for another 12 years.

Unfortunately in those 12 years, I didn't know that the episodes my husband was having here and there, with overspending and underachieving in jobs, etc were due to him being bipolar. In his last manic episode in May of 2009, he went out of our marriage again after leaving home, expressing he just needed to find himself. Well he found another in the midst of his hypersexuality, she fed into his mania and he put me and my boys (ages 11 & 13) through pure H$LL for eighteen months before being diagnosed bp August of 2010.

Now here we are again, the difference is, he is taking meds for his bp and going through therapy. Some days are easier than others, certain holidays bring back horrible memories and a flood of hurt feelings come back as if it were yesterday. When he goes to the store and expresses so, I question it in my mind if he will go there. Somedays I resent the fact that I feel the need to question his words, but to me the alternative would be worst.

This is the man I have been best friends with for many years, adopted two boys with, shared my life with. As long as he is willing to work on repairing our relationship, I am willing to do my part. The day he doesn't do his part to helping me get to the place I need to feel safe with him, is the day I will begin to let go. As long as he is taking his meds and seeing his dr, I am there beside him through this horribly destructive disorder.

I have the past experience to go by, in which I was able to get back what we had and have even a better relationship with him, so I am here to tell you it is possible. Not easy, but possible.

I had to give up the fairytale thought of my marriage being a storybook one long ago, but its ok, because we making our own story and so far it is a happy one again and I am grateful for that everyday and for this group.

There are many stories on here similar, so please take a look at many profiles and stories. You will learn so much on here, how to cope with everything you are going through, because once again, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! This is a cunning, baffling, powerful disorder while unstable, so stability through meds and therapy is a MUST!

Oops. I meant Roy. He wrote to me from the MDJunction email domain with a friendly "you joined but haven't posted yet, we're here to help" email.

I know I'm not alone. There are also a good number of people who had it worse off than myself.

I just can't seem to deal well with all that's happened. I'm on the verge of tears every day. I'm having nightmares every night. Whenever I actually do begin to feel happy that she is trying to get better I feel like the whole world isn't even real anymore. It kind of feels like loosing a loved one and seeing the world continuing to go as normal and feeling the deep, seething outrage over how anything could go on as normal when someone so important has passed.

I'm trying to be as supportive as I can and help her get better. My biggest fear is that I can't get through these feelings and I'll eventually have to be the one to break the marriage apart... even if she does everything perfectly from now on.

I love your signature quote "It isn't my husband's fault he has an illness. It is his responsibility on how he treats it so he doesn't hurt others or himself in the midst of it."

DeadNtSleepn, I know how you feel. My story sucked too. Yours is especially difficult because you have years of crap to get over. But it is possible I suppose. I don't blame you for snooping. It is something to be proud of. I did it too and wish I had done it awhile earlier and it might have circumvented things a little bit or at least given me more options. Anyway, I love my hubby. He is working so hard to stay stable and I hope things do work out forever with us. I'm 53, he's 54 and we've been married 30 years this July. We've got alot of love, history, and time in our relationship and I figure that's why I stayed when I got so hurt and disappointed. I have parts of my story that parrallel yours, although there are some differences. I'm attaching a link, if you have time..., you can read through the whole thing and click on the other links within it. Maybe you can find some hope within it somewhere. Please feel free to pm me if you need to talk about these infidelity issues. I have found talking and telling the story over and over and being detailed gets it out of us. It really helped me and everyone on here is so patient and doesn't judge us for being honest about our pain and hurts. No one has a time limit for healing. It is different for each of us. Also, different people have different "tolerance levels" for the garbage we have to put up with while our spouses are in mania. You will definitely need to set some dealbreakers with your wife, if you do decide to stay and try to work through things. Please take time to read this link:

http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/spouses-of-bipolar-in- active-relationships-discussions/general-support/3741194- how-to-make-sense-of-it-all#3745350

Also, on the Forum page, there are little tack things at the top of the listed threads. If you click on there you can get some helpful info for your bipolar toolbox. Welcome to our group!!!! (((((HUGS)))))

Hi DeadNtSleepn, Welcome! You've come to the right place.

I just wanted to offer some encouragement as you go through this trying, confusing and painful time. It can feel like a living nightmare at times, I know. We all know. That's what makes this site so great. We can all relate to your experience even though we each have dealt with our own personal hell.

I'm a little burnt out tonight, so I wish I could be more insightful. The one thing I want to say to you is you need to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, spritually and physically right now. Be a little selfish and shift the focus to getting yourself better. I know it's easier said than done when you care so much about your spouses seemingly more important mental issues. But, your sanity is at stake. After going through surgery, cancer and all of the BP drama you could be suffering from some PTSD or low grade depression. All of the emotions you are feeling are perfectly normal but if they persist and interfere with your daily functions/routines it may be time to seek help for yourself if you haven't already. Ruminations or obsessive thoughts are not healthy, but they are a sign of your mind trying to process the pain. That feeling of having lost a loved one will make you feel like you are grieving and as you go through the grieving process your view of your wife will continue to change, until you reach acceptance. Hopefully it will change for the better. I wish you the best and thank you for sharing your story. It encourages others to do the same and seek help. You are helping many people on here so please continue posting and reaching out.

WillTryLV

It really does take a long time to process and heal from infidelity. It also takes constant reassurance by your wife to help you through it. She needs to be absolutely transparent for there to be any hope of saving the marriage. Making the decision to stay or leave is something you will have to do eventually when time has passed and you can get over the mind numbing shock you are experiencing.

My then bf only had a one month affair and it took me a long, long time to trust him again and for my imagination to stop creating visuals of what happened between them.

Keep going to therapy, you really need it right now.

Wife, man I hate those visuals. Glad to know my imagination is not the only one dong that.

Thanks for the link lollipop. I will read up when I have a moment.

My counselor has said I have "full blown" PTSD and depression. I got on an antidepressant a while back and have been taking Xanax to try to sleep. Im still absolutely lost on how to move on or get better. I always get reminded to give myself time, things don't happen overnight, wait and see... I think this is the part that's so intolerable. Just waiting for something to get better while I am suffering.

I was married for 19 years when the bp monster became angry and loud enough for me to "hear"! An affair happened. It was crazy - we were in the middle of purchasing a new house. Hubs was extremely excited and was working long hours as a firefighter (lack of sleep) and he wasn't sleeping much at home. Long story short - he met a woman - the kind of woman he wouldn't normally even like, and left us for her Out of the blue. Gone. Of course there had been signs of mental illness all those 19 years - but, I was a frog in the pot. I didn't "get it". It had all become "my normal".

It was my pastor that said he thought hubs was bipolar. Then a good friend. Then, my dad. My dad didn't have a name for it - but he said, "I wonder if he has a mental illness?". That woke me up. My dad doesn't talk about mental illness. But he knew my husband - and knew how much he loved me. He wasn't a jerk.

So, he was diagnosed bpII - and he runs high. Very high. Mostly hypomania. He was on meds for 15 years with pretty good stability - he tends to run high, so there were some hypomanic and hypersexuality struggles in those years. But, overall, he was much better. Then, last fall, the trileptal was being lowered and he went hypomanic, quit ALL his meds, and went crazy for 2 months. His way to act out when hypomanic is with porn. The sexual stuff is crazy and out of character. For him, he thinks it is an addiction - and he works a 12 step program for it - has for 15 years.

What I am trying to do - is realize that my h is not my h when he is hypomanic. His true personality is distorted. His values and beliefs disappear. I had to trust God - not my husband - and that might sound weird, but I could do that. I could trust God for my future, but not my husband. I had to see what he would do. Would the meds work. Could I heal. I tried not to write a script for the future - and I am still doing that. I cannot say what the future will bring. You probably know that better than anyone, having survived cancer. You can survive this, too - one day at a time.

This time around I am attending NAMI meetings in my area. They help a little bit - and also I read posts here and try to write once or twice a week - and that helps. I also attend faith-based meetings - and I have lots of hobbies and rewarding work. What I mean is - I try to take care of me. I also listen to youtube videos about bipolar. Information is what heals me the best, I think.

I attend NAMI - and there might be anywhere from 20 to 40 family members in our group. I am always the only married person there. I think this says a lot as to how destructive bipolar can be on marriages. I think it is important for me to say to myself, "I don't have to do this". It's ok if I leave. I am not a bad person if I leave. Right now, my h is stable, and he is doing well again, and we love each other - so, I don't think that will happen. But, if he wouldn't do the self-care, or if I couldn't live with bp, I think he would understand at this point.

Another thing that helps me is that he didn't do "IT" to me. I have nothing to do with it. I got caught in the ripples of his illness. I swam to shore and survived. I did not drown. I am safe and ok. I can't save him - I can throw him a supportive lifeline - but, I can't save him. He has to grab hold of life and fight for it.

Our marriage has changed. We both know that. I am a Christian, so my faith probably plays a huge part in how i look at things. One thing I believe with all my heart is that I am not alone. One friend said to me, "your marriage is dead. Only God can raise a dead thing". That helped me a lot. I realized that I could not make him change, or love me, or love the family - but, you know - the meds are like a miracle. It's like the little pink pill drives the demons away - metaphorically speaking. I know the meds are only a puzzle piece - but the are extremely important. My husband cannot stay in his right mind without them. He is soooo thankful for his meds.

This is long. I guess that is what I get for writing so seldomly. Toss if you like. I hope your day feels more peaceful. I said all of this to say, You are not alone.

mckenzie

Excellent post McKenzie!!! I especially loved this paragraph:

Another thing that helps me is that he didn't do "IT" to me. I have nothing to do with it. I got caught in the ripples of his illness. I swam to shore and survived. I did not drown. I am safe and ok. I can't save him - I can throw him a supportive lifeline - but, I can't save him. He has to grab hold of life and fight for it.

For the longest time, I did feel like my husband had perpetrated something on me. I still feel a little like that; I guess, from the human standpoint... But, the biggest thing I have come to realize (in keeping with what you said above) is that we are really only collateral damage in the bipolar manic scheme of things. For those who have damaging depressive episodes...the same thing applies. My husband turns in on himself, though, when depressed. Like I've said before, though, it helped me when I really did FINALLY understand the manic actions had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. The infidelity part was the only part I was so depressed about. Physical illness caused due to depression. I had never experienced that before. But it was real. The more I thought about it, I realized my husband had made the mess, while manic. The mania messed his logic up so much that he was willing to destroy our family on a whim with a person he really didn't even care about. I know that many people can argue that non-bipolar people do this sort of thing or explain it away as "mid-life crisis". You know what my end of that argument would be. Deliberate, immoral, selfish person. They did it. They ruined their own reputations for trustworthiness, loyalty. After all the dust settled, mine was still intact. I blew steam and said alot of inappropriate things (as many of you know) but that was it. Yup, one bipolar man in mania and another woman that has no explanation or any one else she can blame for her actions! Either she was a little nutty too, or the other category...deliberately immoral selfish person. They both were, illness or not. I didn't do it...they did it. I'm getting past stuff, hardly ever think about it anymore. I hate that I can't change the past and back up time. But it's probably a good thing, or I might back it up further than 2010. lol

Post edited by: lollipop, at: 05/17/2012 01:36 PM