Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

I know this is really long, but if you have the time and could impart some wisdom, I really need help.

My husband has recently been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. In the beginning, he exhibited many of the warning signs of relationship abuse, but I did not recognize them at the time. It started out subtly. He wanted to get serious with our relationship too quickly, blames past relationship failures on his exes, is overly jealous without cause, and highly temperamental. I attributed away all of these behaviors to external factors, and thus was able to dismiss them.

Several years later, we are married, and I feel like I am walking on eggshells. He is highly irritable, and often explodes with anger, throwing furniture, breaking doors, yelling at the top of his lungs at me, etc., often with no apparent cause. Sometimes when he feels himself getting angry with me, he makes me stop talking and go in another room. It is difficult, because I feel like I am being dominated, but I know that it is better than risking violence. Our fights never are about a topic, nor do they have any substance. It is just a debasement of my housekeeping skills, my appearance, my personality, etc. Our fights have been physical on several occasions, but only when I did not try to de-escalate the situation and tried to stand up to him. Often, if not physically violent, our fights culminate in him making graphic threats of violence or murder towards me.

I can't say I am a complete innocent in all of the conflict. Honestly, between seeing him failing in school and work, and him insulting me so regularly, I do get impatient with him from time to time and retaliate. I know I have said more than a few hurtful things to him as well. I feel like a deplorable person for not being able to always stay calm with him; he is mentally unstable. I do not try to instigate fights with him, but sometimes, when I try to calmly address serious topics, like finances, he completely flies off the handle. When the fighting began, I was very confrontational about it, until things got physically violent. I'm not talking vicious battery or anything, but grabbing by the shoulders, wrists, and neck, pushing, pinning to walls and yelling in my face, etc. Since then, I have been tapering back the amount of investment I am willing to make in any given fight, to the point where I all but emotionally shut down during most of his outbreaks.

After our fights, he is always extremely apologetic. Sometimes, he ends up softly telling me what I did wrong or why his behavior was my fault. He tells me that its just me that causes him to act out like that, that something about me is just infuriating to him. Whenever I've tried to tell him that his behavior is scary to me, he laughs it off and tells me I am being stupid. If I tell him that the things he says about me hurt me for months and even years after our fights, he blames the heat of the moment, says I should forget anything he says in a fight, and that I hurt him when we fight too. The relationship cycles a lot, between things being happy for a day or so, then lots of tension builds up, then a huge fight occurs, and so on. He has drank, and smoked both herbal remedies and tobacco, justifying all 3 vices as "a way to take the edge off", and telling me that with someone like me around, he could never quit. Since his diagnosis, he has been attributing a lot of his behaviors to the disorder, as well.

Three days ago, he started being highly irritable at work (usually its only me) and came home early. He was clearly entering a manic phase, getting agitated to the point of full-on yelling at video games. I avoided contact with him. The next morning, he was angry from the moment he woke up in the morning, yelling and throwing things over not being able to find his favorite dress shirt. I tried to silently help him find his shirt and keys, and get him off to work. A few hours later, he showed up back at home, and told me that he couldn't take being here anymore, and that he was leaving. He began throwing all of his belonging in suitcases. I helped him fold clothes and pack. It was bittersweet. I have often clandestinely wished that he would just leave me alone, but now that he was actually leaving, I felt sad, because I would miss his presence, and I felt as though I had failed him. By the time we were done packing every last belonging into his car, he told me he would stay with his family for a few weeks, then come back. The thing is, I am not sure if he should. I don't even know how I would muster the courage to tell him if I wanted to end things; I don't want to hurt him, and I know he'd be upset.

I have consulted with a few of my close friends and siblings, and they have all told me that this is not a healthy relationship for me to stay in. I am only 20; I should feel like I have my whole life ahead of me, but I am beginning to feel that I am doomed to be unhappy. I feel like a terrible person though, because I really do love him and have been trying to help him get to a stable emotional state. Moreover, I am a newlywed, and the thought of getting a divorce both sickens and humiliates me. I don't want to feel like I am just a weak person who is giving up on him. I want to believe things could work out, but it is getting harder and harder every day. I don't know what to think, and I don't know what to do. I don't know what is acceptable from a person with Bipolar Disorder, and where to draw the line between expected angry outbursts and abuse. From what I have read, there is a lot of overlap in signs and symptoms.

About 3 weeks ago - when he was diagnosed- he was prescribed 300mg capsules of lithium carbonate, to take once a day. For the first few days, he said he felt more balanced out, but was struggling with the tremors and fatigue.

11 days into the treatment, however, he was having severe dis-coordination, muscular weakness and numbness of limbs, nausea, loss of appetite, incessant thirst, and muscular pain and stiffness all over his body. He felt unable to go to work, and was again extremely irritable. At that point, he stopped taking the Lithium, continued drinking lots of water, and got better within a few days. I told him that he needed to go back to his doctor to talk through is other treatment options. He never got back in to the doctor before he left, unfortunately, but I am trying to encourage him to seek help from a doctor back home while he is away.

As for me, I will be seeking the advice of a therapist to gain a bit of clairvoyance in this matter. If you have any guidance to offer, I would appreciate it greatly. Thanks.

(Note: I re-posted this from the general BP disorder group; while I have received incredibly invaluable insights into his perspective from there, it seems like many of you have had experiences similar to mine.)

Welcome to the group.

You DO have your whole life ahead of you. Therapy for you is a great start. distance between you for the time being also sounds like a good idea. He NEEDS to be on a mood stabilizer. If not Lithium, something else (300 mg is a starter dose & it sounds like that wasn't the med for him).

Keep posting & keep reading. There is a ton of great advice on this board!

Hi and welcome to our group! First of all, you need to remember and know that abuse of any kind, whether it's coming from someone with bipolar or not, is unacceptable. It took me a long time to figure that out, I always used the excuse for him that he had an illness and couldn't help it. Well, the fine ladies on this website set me straight on that. After taking their advice almost 2 years ago, I agree wholeheartedly that you need to call 911 when he is violent. And don't downplay what he's done. My husband was only physical with me once, but that was horrible and I felt that things were really spiralling downward. It was a whole year later of verbal and emotional abuse before I called 911 and had him arrested for domestic violence. He spent a night in jail and was really pissed when he got out, saying the marriage was over, yada yada yada. I told him "fine". The next day he changed his tune and wanted to stay in the marriage. I told him he needed to move out and stay away until he showed me that he was willing to work towards stability. I gave him a whole list of things he had to do before I would even consider letting him come back.

I think what's going on in your home is terrorism. He seems to have convinced you that you are to blame for HIS abuse. This is wrong, don't beleive it for a second. The best thing that could have happened is that he left on his own. Being bipolar means that you HAVE to be on meds for the rest of your life in order to be stable. If a med doesn't work, there are a bunch of others that can be tried. Do not let him back until he sees his dr. and gets on some other mood stabilizer. He needs serious help. Do not let him back until he gets anger management or therapy of some sort. He has some serious problems that are not acceptable for you to live with. He needs to show you that he wants to be stable, is working towards stability and will promise to continue to work for stability in order for you to be together.

It breaks my heart that you are only 20 and with this abusive man. I have a 19 year old daughter and if she was with someone like this, I would tell her the same thing. Abuse is not necessarily part of being bipolar. My husband had a lot of issues to deal with. Number one being that he was raised by an unmedicated bipolar mother who raged at him and his sister their entire childhoods. He learned that this is how a person reacts to fear, irritation, frustration, and just plain not feeling right. It has to be unlearned with the help of a therapist. You can help him by learning that you can't MAKE him angry. He is reacting to whatever with anger, which is not your fault.

I fear for your safety. The comment that he talked about threatening your life is SCARY and causes me to want to say--STAY AWAY FROM HIM!! He is extremely unstable and dangerous. I'm glad he's gone and he really should not be allowed to come back in his present state.

Was he always like this? I'm just wondering how he was when you were dating.

Please be safe, go somewhere safe if you don't feel safe at home. Have someone stay with you if you don't feel safe there. I'm really worried about you.

Post edited by: wifeonbpexpress, at: 05/01/2012 02:16 PM

Welcome, If you two are going to stay together, you need to go to the pdoc with him and become an active member of his treatment team. He needs to get on the right stabilizer, many patients go through quite a few before getting the right cocktail of stabilizer and antidepressants, there is no one size fits all with this disorder.

You said you were a newlywed, getting married can trigger someone who has bp, any life changing event can, like, job loss/gain, childbirth/death, engagement/wedding, moving locations, things like this.

I am glad you have the insight to not engage with a rageful person, that only fuels their drive to rage.

It is not okay for him to treat you that way at all, I am glad he had the insight to leave before things got worst.

Being married to one that has bp, is not easy, but it is doable if they are committed to their stability and allow us access to their dr and their treatment plan.

Again, welcome and I am sure many more will chime in soon

Aulani You are a battered wife and I only have two words of advice, insite if you will.

GET OUT!

Aulani, Hello and welcome to the group.

I have had a very similar time in my marriage, and I was young when the abuse began. I come from a broken home and my mother is mentally damaged to the point that she didn't teach me what a relationship was supposed to look like.

When my man got violent with me, I fought back...but I was still very afraid. Especially afterwards, that if I made a quick move or said a word it would happen again.

Eventually we got a doctor to diagnose him as BP, but it was too quickly. Without taking the time to get to know him, and without ever speaking to me to get the third-party's view on my husband's behavior.

During that time my husband was using a very dangerous drug (meth) and new that he is clean, his new and improved therapist seems to think that he is not BP at all. Now they are telling me that his previous behavior was attributed to the drug use, and I still have a HARD time believing that that was the ONLY CAUSE. I still have my suspicions that BP or some other mental illness has a roll to play.

And like you, I knew that I was not 100% innocent when he lashed out at me. I can firmly recognize the part that I played.

The others are right though. No abuse is ever okay. Your safety is number one, because many that stuck it out like I did, wind up dead. So, I'm not saying that my decision should work for you, we are all different. And each ill person's circumstances are different. But you have to do what is right for you.

Pleas keep us posted, because if no one told you today, I love you.

Firstly, thank you all so much for your really considerate posts. It is really a relief to finally feel like I am not alone. I have not felt ready to go to my parents yet, or even be fully honest about the severity of the situation with my siblings, because I want to protect them, and because - growing up in a calm household as all of us did - they would not be able to understand. I intend to tell them, but only once I have emotional stability and have spoken to a therapist about how to go about it.

Wife, to answer your question, no. He was a saint in the beginning of our relationship. He was always showering me in gifts, love notes, compliments, etc. However, it is important to note that most of our early relationship was spent long-distance (he was in the Navy). I imagine that this gave him time to think about his answers before he wrote them; he could actually articulate thoughts from a place of calm.

When we were together in person, I dismissed any fights we had as a mutual problem, or just us getting used to being together in person again, etc. As I said in my first post, he really was in a hurry to rush things and get serious. If I would have seen what was happening, I would have stopped it at that point, but I didn't. I was afraid of being alone, and thought that it was stupid to throw away someone who cared so much about me just because I didn't feel ready to live together or get engaged yet.

Hopeful, that is part of why I feel so guilty about this whole thing. In the past few years, he joined the Navy for his father - moving from TX to VA - then his father passed away. Then, when he got out of the Navy, he moved up to MN with me, started college, and got married. It has been a lot of changes, and I know they are difficult for him to cope with.

I have been trying for a long time to get him to actively seek treatment, but it took the neighbors calling the police during one of our fights for him to finally go the the doctor for the first time. We had just begun making progress, and for a few days, he seemed excited to get his old self back. Seeing that glimmer of hope in an otherwise hopeless relationship was almost as painful as fighting with him. I think that the disappointment of the Lithium not working for him was a huge setback. I hop that he tries to seek treatment there, with the support of his family.

Sewnup, I know exactly what you mean. At first, as much as I wanted to fight back, I was too scared of him to continue to do so, as I knew he would probably cross a line and cause me actual, physical harm.

Reading what I have in some of the posts here have been incredibly helpful. I think it is really important to equip myself with knowledge and strategies, so that if I do let him back into our home, I am more prepared to handle things, and no longer scared to take measure to protect myself.

Again, thank you to everyone who has contributed. It really, truly helps.

I grew up the same as you, no violence at all. My parents couldn't understand why I stayed with my husband those three years after he went completely manic and was so abusive. Now that I look back, I don't know either. It was wishful thinking that he would get better. He was taking meds afterall, and going to therapy with me. But he was still being abusive on a regular basis. It was more than bipolar, it was a learned behavior as I mentioned before. He still struggles with those feelings, but now he is in therapy by himself and takes a prn for times when he gets anxious, which used to trigger rage for him. He has stopped abusing, not because of his meds, but because he has DECIDED not to. He has been successful in "getting" it that if he does turn to rage again, I WILL CALL 911 AND HE WILL GO TO JAIL. He is suffering the consequences of almost 2 years ago because he is finishing up school and will be seeking out employment. That incident is on his record and he has to be accountable for it. The last thing he wants is to have ANOTHER one on his record. But that isn't the only reason he doesn't act out in an abusive way...he wants peace in our lives and doesn't want to be the cause of any problems between us.

Your husband seems to be stuck in a horrible pattern of abuse. Threatening the life of someone he supposedly loves is inexcusable. I believe it is a flat out deal breaker. It just can't be forgiven in my view. I think you would be better off to stay away from him and I highly doubt that he will be able to convince you that he will never harm you again. From what you wrote, he is not to be trusted. The fact that he doesn't want to take meds for his bipolar is a very bad thing. He needs them to function, to live life. Without them, without committment to dealing with his disorder head on--he will not get better, ever. There's nothing to wait for, there's nothing to hope for. It isn't going to happen.

Your story scares the shit out of me...pardon my language, but I'm dead serious...

I completely agree. It's disturbing.

Hopefully you can get into therapy ASAP and end this relationship.

Go to your parents NOW and tell them what is happening so they can help you.

If you indeed come from a stable home your parents can provide the assistance you need.

Do not keep this from them another minute. The idea that you are sparing their feelings and not wanting to concern them is patently absurd.

They would want to know their 20 year old daughters life is on danger.

Yes, go to your parents. If anyone can support you, which is what you need most right now, it's them. If my daughter kept this kind of information from me, I would be devastated that she didn't feel comfortable coming to me with such a huge problem. This is not something you should be dealing with alone, even if you are seeing a therapist. You need the loving support of your family right now.