There's only so much you can take, and you know what your limits are. Again: bipolar is no excuse for abuse, whether it be mental or physical. Your wife sounds out of control right now. I hope she'll decide to go back on her meds and fight for stability sooner rather than later.
Sorry I have taken so long to check back in. It has been a hectic few days. I also did not have access to a regular computer.
It was mentioned above about the house. Unfortunately the house is a rental,and the lease is in her name. My name is on the lease for our apartment that I work from. We met when I was on the way to take this job, and since I had been unable to get out of consulting yet, we just left things as they were with the leases. We were looking to buy a house in the next few months. I guess it is a mixed blessing that we have not yet. Good that we do not have that complication, but bad in that it would have made it possible for me to refuse to let that guy be there.
I have taken a fall back position at this point in time. I have shut down access to any financial tool we were both on. I have also changed the passwords on everything I could think of that she could use to strike back at me if she decides to get vindictive.
Right now she just keeps saying she is a bad person that cannot control her self, but also refuses to try. I have moved all of my stuff out of the house, and had her sign separation papers. I did not do that last part till I asked her multiple times if she wanted to try and save our relationship. She said no, she would only hurt me more. Talking with her It was strange that she would keep saying that, but would make no effort to change that. I have not filed the papers yet, but they are signed so everything is currently protected if she decides to get nasty in the future. Once they are filed, i have about 45 days to undo everything if I need to. Right now I do not have high hopes for that.
While at the house getting my stuff, I went through her medicine and got her doctor's name. I am hoping he will listen to me this week. Even if our relationship cannot recover, I hope she can.
Even with what happened, she has still been going out drinking every night. On Friday, the kids dad was at the house and when I asked him why, he said he had stayed the night with the kids. He said that she had asked him to watch them for about 4 hours the night before, but she never came home.
I told him that he needed to take custody of the kids to get them out of a bad situation. He hem and hawed and I have little hope he will even try. He kept telling me that she did this same thing to him. She always told me that he had cheated on her, that was why she had custody of the kids. He says that it was the opposite, that she had cheated on him, as well as ran off to Los Vegas and ran up a 10,000 dollar credit card bill. If this is true, it troubles me. It means that she lied to me even when I thought she was stable. I am hearing all kinds of stories like that. If she can mislead me like that when she is medicated and stable, can things be repaired at all?
I asked her if she had cheated on me before this, and she said she had not had sex before, but that just before we got married, she had messed around with a guy. Kissing and petting and stuff. She said that was why she had been freaking out at the wedding. I thought it was just the stress of the day.
I hoped her kids would be a point to get her to seek help. Even though the dad did not seem eager to get them full time, I mentioned to her that the computer was to stay with the kids where ever they went. She looked at me funny and asked where the kids were going. I told her I did not know if they were, but that she had to see that she had put herself into danger of losing them. Either their dad could take custody because she is out drinking every night, bringing cheating on her husband in front of the kids, and having the police over to her house twice in one night, or DFACs would get involved if they were to get wind of this, either though a police report, or her mother deciding to get at her like she tries time from time.
I have found out that she has been late to work almost every day the last few weeks, and that she has also been missing about two days a week (one of them being the day her new guy has off). Going at this pace, she might also lose her job.
Pray the doctor listens. I don't know what he can do to force her to get treatment, but I hope he can do something.
I also wanted to thank everybody for their support, even though for some reason I could not access the site to write reply's with my phone, I was able to follow the hyperlinks from the emails to read each comment.
03/25/2012 01:08 PM
Posts: 3229 VIP Member
Now that I am back at the work apartment and I am alone, I am starting to have a rougher time. She is still out having fun, and I feel like my world is coming apart. This sucks!
03/25/2012 01:25 PM
Posts: 98 Member
Hi, I'm just joining this discussion. I am sorry you are having a rough time. This is so so difficult! When you say she is still out having fun while your world is coming apart, I'll just say that's how I have felt so many times! But when I ask my husband about it after things have calmed down again, he says he is not having any fun at all. He says it feels horrible to be so out of control. It looks like fun to us, while we are being the responsible ones trying to hold things together, but I kind of believe him that no matter how much money he spends, no matter how many concerts he goes to, no matter how much he drinks, what he's trying to escape is still there.
I hope she gets back on her meds. It is really scary when they make impulsive decisions about their meds like that! I know my husband tells me he doesn't need them, and the doctors are just trying to get him addicted.
03/25/2012 02:00 PM
Posts: 3229 VIP Member
That is one of the strange things she was saying. She said the doctors were lying about her. She is still out with that guy. I hear from my step kids dad that she is still staying out all night drinking with this guy. She spends her day when she is off at the bar he works at as well. I asked her what she was going to do when he left because she no longer had money for her to spend on him, she said it did not matter. he was just for fun right now. he could vanish tomorrow. It is going to be bad if she loses the girls and her job as well. I spend earlier today trying to get in touch with her doctor, but the big box insurance place just told me I could call back tomorrow after 8am.
I keep going back and forth. I hope she comes out of this soon and we can work it out, but at other times I am not sure we can ever get past this. I do not think she will be willing to do what it will require. It will mean seeing the doctor a lot. Letting me have access to him as well. It will mean no drinking ever again, and never ever missing her medications. Maybe I am just negative, but I don't think that will happen.
03/25/2012 04:13 PM
Posts: 3933 Group Leader
She will probably do whatever it takes, once and when she goes into depression. How old are kids, where she can leave them alone like this, or do they just stay with their dad a lot. I am sure you are going to go back and forth several times a day of which way to go and you feel, but the reality is, she is very ill and I pray that you or her dr can get her back on meds and make her accept that she cannot self medicate with alcohol or anything else. You can get past this if you want to, but she must get back on the right meds and this time I would get involved in her treatment, so you know exactly what she is supposed to be taking etc. It seems the success stories on here have both parties included in the treatment process, I for one feel it is very important, somI can make sure my husband is on the right track, if he isnt for some reason, I can call his dr and solicit his help if needed.
Hang in there, I know it is hard, believe me I do, but you will make it through.
03/25/2012 04:56 PM
Posts: 3229 VIP Member
The kids are 15 and 8. The oldest will be 16 in June. They do not usually stay with their dad very often. Even though he is in the same town, they usually just see him every other weekend.
I think the biggest frustration I am having now are the number of people that we know that are now telling me she is claiming I am too controlling. They seem to think she is ok in what she is doing. It would be one thing if she was tired of me and just dumped me, but she is also going to lose her kids and job if she does not pull out of it soon. I cant seem to get them to understand there is an illness involved. They just want the party girl. None of them are going to be there for her if she loses everything.
03/25/2012 05:28 PM
Posts: 415 Member
Incredible, isn't it? I feel for you Silverlock. It is amazing how many people will not notice manic behavior.
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