Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

Hi everyone,

My husband has is type II bipolar. I have come here for answers, to read dicussions and do some research. We are on year 2 of marriage have a baby and each of us have a child from a past relationship. I could go on and on about my husbands good qualties and then there is the one that I am finding very hard to cope with. He is on medicine now for the 1st time in out relationship and I dont think its working. He gets free healthcare at the VA, but they dont really take care of him, seems like they just prescribe pills. We are on medication number 2. The 1st med made him worse. This 2nd Med "Depakote" worked then stopped and now hes the same if not worse.

He gets very angry and will have outbursts, not long, but quick and and loud. He gets angry like this about things that shouldnt make him so upset. He has very little patience, and gets tired when hes home. He will overcommit himself and dosnt finish things he starts.

I love him, but there are times when I think it would be easier to walk away. I am stating to feel the family has to tip toe around as to not make him upset. I know he loves his children and he doesnt like the way he is, but thats really not helping the situation. I do have a bit of a problem being understanding because i dont get it and i dont have this problem.

Is anyone esle going through this? Does anyone have advice?

The best advice I could give is, you need to part of his treatment team, go to his pdoc appointments with him. Share your concerns, input and anything else that will help the pdoc understand the severity of your husband's behavior. It could take awhile before your husband finds the right medicine or cocktail of meds to keep him stable. Half the battle is getting them to the dr and accepting that they need meds, so at least you have conquered that one for now.

Be patient, read, knowledge is power.

Thank you, I never thought of going to the appt with him. That is a great suggestion. I do kind of make it his problem. We are both super independent and older, having lived without eachother for a long time. So we def dont have a co-dependant thing going on, but we do have a hard time meshing with things sometimes.

This horrible disorder effects the whole family, not just the persona who has it. They need to know and believe we are fighting this beast with them, not against them, thats why it is imperative that we go see the pdoc with them, at least until they reach stability. Many times patients don't share what their behavior is like because they don't see it, we do. My husband's pdoc shared that he was deeply grateful that I came in with my husband to share in all of this so he could treat him effectively. I would make that a first priority to get things back on track with him. Sooner than later, before things get out of hand.

Post edited by: hopefulcb, at: 07/09/2012 12:22 PM

Thank you so much for your words of encouragment. I dont have anyone to talk to about this, so I end up frustrated and I know im not making things any better by getting mad. Im glad i found the forum.

Hi 2012Spouse,

My situation seems kinda similar to yours right now. My husband started seeing his pdoc in November for depression/anxiety and just in May, the doc has diagnosed him as Bipolar II, so now he's started meds for that. He's on his second med. first, Lithium made him dizzy/drunk. So he's now started Depakote, but we think it's still not to a really helpful level yet. Hopefully today if she ups his dose, things will keep getting better.

I still feel so uneducated about bipolar, and how to really help him. I've been reading here and other places online, but there are so many questions I have. We also have 2 little boys (6 mos, and 2.5 years) and so it's getting hard to make it to his apointments. I went to a few appts when DH was really bad. I really liked being more "in the loop" as to what sort of treatment they are doing. And I also now want to be sure that he is telling her all his symptoms, cause sometimes I think he talks about unimportant stuff too long. Maybe I'm wrong though...

Some of my DH's symptoms right now are bad depression and then irritability and anger outbursts. It's getting tough for me when he's home because the kids' crying and whining really bothers him. I guess it's one of his triggers. He does his best not to get upset around them, so he holds it all inside and it eats him up. Then he pops like 3 Zanax and I feel like he's all drugged up then. It's all getting so un-fun.

He is cooperative with meds and counseling from his pdoc, but he doesn't want to make any other changes in his life. It's really bothering me that he wants to rely just on the meds (even though I don't think they are working great yet) and that he doesn't want to make changes to his sleeping schedules, eating better, exercising, etc.

We had like one normal feeling day this week. It was a welcome change, but it seems to be gone now.

Sorry I don't have any advice really for you. I just need someone to talk to too. This is hard...

Also, I'm wondering if I'm trying to fix things too quickly. I want to fix things that have gone bad in our marriage and family: like poor communication, just not understanding eachother, him not wanting to be around the kids very much, getting irritated at our church. So I try to talk to him, come up with solutions, but he's not really receptive, doesn't seem enthusiastic about trying to make things better. So then I get upset cause I think he doesn't care and wonder if my life is going to be torturous from here on out!

BUT, Experienced Spouses, am I taking this too fast?? Maybe he can't deal with this right now cause he's still just trying to survive each day. I know his days are really tough. The depression is really bad for him right now. I just worry that if I/we are not trying to improve things then we are letting them get worse...

Hi, we have a lot in common I sent you a private message.

IMO, you need to give him space to stabilize, then things should fall into place. He is newly diagnosed and just started taking meds for it, so he will need time to stabilize. I would just take it one day at a time, continue to educate yourself on this disorder, knowledge is power. My husband took about 3 months before stability was achieved, then we started couples therapy with his pdoc.

@Pineapple, I agree with hopeful that not enough time has elapsed on his meds. He needs to get stable before you start on the other things. Is he going to talk therapy now? Every thing I have read indicates that talk therapy is really critical for newly treated BP folks. They have been trying to live with a disordered brain and develop many dysfunctional ways of doing so. All those have to be acknowledged and understood and then unlearned. That takes therapy.

And to both of you newbies, I recommend our thread about Bipolar Stability--HARD TRUTHS. Because meds are the first and most basic element of stability, but it is ONLY the first. Your husbands need 7-8 hours of sleep every night. They need to go to bed before midnight and wake with the sun. (No second or third shift) They need to stop drinking alcohol and taking street meds and energy drinks and certainly no steroids either. They need to get therapy (see above). They need to understand and know their triggers and how to cope when they cannot avoid them. They often need PRNS (as needed meds) to take when they are starting to get anxious, to help avert episodes. They need to accept you as part of their team. They need to monitor their own moods and be SUPER aware of them.... Well this is a partial list. Sometimes people will take the meds---but they still don't believe they are really BP and they begrudgingly take them. They have to be COMMITTED to stability, that is the most important thing.

Something we have observed on here, that you might address with the pdoc, is that SOME of these meds can cause rage. If you google "depakote rage," you will see that this is out there more widely. It very well COULD be that your husbands will not do well on the Depakote---or they need to wait till it is at the proper dosage.