Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

Sometimes I think I have got to be the most stubborn person on the planet. When will I learn not to rock the boat? I know I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells and I should get to speak my mind but until we get him stable, I also know I need to just leave well enough alone. Yesterday he was in a decent mood....although I believe has swung back to hypomanic after 4 days of depression. I was getting ready in the morning when I found some wrapper for some adult material. It really hurt me. I know it is better than him cheating on me but it just disgusted me. He can't even be bothered to hug me or sleep in the same bed as me, and so when I found these things it just sort of summed up the lack of respect he has for me and how bad the state of our marriage is. I tend to brood on things so I decided to let him know how hurt I was rather than stew on it. Big mistake. He went off on me. Screamed at me ( which is not normal for him) and said how I had ruined the day. I left and went to pick up my daughter from my sisters. We were all supposed to go together to pick up my son from camp. When I got home he hadn't showered and said he wasn't going. So I went by myself. When we all got home I could tell he was trying not to be a jerk, but he kept needling me and teasing the kids in a dark sort of way. So we left him alone in his man cave. I made us all dinner and for once he actually ate it. But then it all went downhill. His jabs got more obvious. He started disagreeing with evryone ( daughter said it was going to be a hot night, I say I love hot night, he says he hates them. Son says he likes Christian music, husband says he hates it.) So my son kind of calls him on it and then he starts needling my son....just mocking and poking at him. We are the type of family who jokes and teases but this was a dark teasing. Son gets upseton the verge of tears, so mama bear kicks in and I tell husband to knock it off. He says he wa sjust joking but as usual can't let it go. So he goes upstairs to bed. Again, I try to talk to him. He says we were ganging up on him (we hear that a lot). I tell him he should just apologize to son and we can move on. He says no way he didn't do anything wrong and we are all sensitive and paranoid. Then I stooped to his level and when he said he was just going to bed I said "great. We'll see you on what, Tues. Or Wed. When you finally decide to get up?" I instantly regretted it. It was a cruel thing for me to say but I was so angry and hurt that he had basically ruined my sons first night home after camp which should have been exciting and fun.

Sorry for the long winded account. I am just so sick of all this. He is toxic and he is turning me into a person I don't like. I have to do EVERYTHING. He doesn't even clean up after himself. I am burned out from dealing with him, trying to keep my kids together and having to maintain an older home with plumbing problems, keep the house in order and maintain the 1 3/4 acres of land we live on. I get pissed everytime I go outside and see my dead lawn and plants because I just don't have the ability to do it all. If I could move into a small condo right now I would do it. I am hurting so badly for my children. I think they hate him now. I see how they look at him. I try to tell them he is sick. My son, 13, asked if dad has bp because one of his friends moms does and dad acts just like her. I told him yes and we talked a little about it. I think they need counseling. I know they do. I am beginning to think that we can't live with him until he is stablized, if he ever actually follows through. It is killing all of us. But I am scared if I leave him a judge will let him have my kids unsupervised. I can't let that happen, but basically it is my word against his in courts. He is ok with the kids until they call him on his behaviour then he gets angry and mean. He has never been violent, but he is so irrational and unpredictable that it is scary to me. I need to be around to protect them from him. I am so tired of feeling stuck. Has anyone successfully gotten full custody of their children with only supervised visitation when their spouse had never really done anything but be a jerk? Because I don't think that's grounds for requiring supervised visitation but maybe I am wrong.

I think from what you've just posted, it sounds to me as if you ARE learning. I can understand why those incidents upset you and hurt you. It sounds to ME(MHO) that he is not stable and he is the one who is paranoid, by saying things like y'all are ganging up on him. This is all his perception of the situation and this is his minds way of dealing with being unstable IMO.

I also think it's great you talked to your 13 year old about him being BP and trying to explain that to him. My oldest daughter will be 13 next month, and she knows I'm BP, I'm also very open about it with her and as much as I can be to my 8 year old. Your 13 y.o. is old enough to realize something is not right with Dad. Do they fully comprehend what BP means and what it cause, IMO I don't think so, but it helps to know as much as they can.

It sounds as if you have a lot of resentment towards your BPSO right now, which is understandable. I guess you need to decide where you want to go from here and what actions you need to take. If he is not taking meds and seeing a Pdoc, that should be terms for him having to leave(or you) which ever works best, at least until he is stable and not emotionally abusive toward everyone in the house.

As far as separating and being able to get full custody with supervised visitation, I don't have a lot of experience in that department. I would assume though, if he has been diagnosed(dx) BP and he is not seeing his Pdoc and taking his meds, that would qualify him as an unfit parent to be alone with the kids. I would personally go down to the Magistrates office with his dx in hand, and ask them what your options are. Unless you want to consult with a lawyer, which I know would be my last resort. Best of luck no matter which path you choose, and we will back you up regardless, as most of the spouses here have been down this same road your traveling. I am just one of the few who are very open about their disorder and try to help from my and the BP P.O.V, I had a lot of experience watching my wife go through it for over 10 years, and we have 2 kids. So I'm trying to pay it forward now and no longer be the wrecking ball.

Thanks, Hooba. You are right, I am totally resentful. He is going back to the pdoc on the 16th but it almost feels like too little, too late. For years I was able to protect my children from his problems and I can't shield them anymore. I feel like this is turning me into someone I don't like. I am a kind, loving, happy person and I have said things to my husband out of hurt and anger that I regret immensely. I feel like at this point his sickness is making me sick too. I can only imagine how it is affecting our children.

I love your attitude! I read your posts here and think how I wish my husband would come to terms with his problem like you have and do what he needs to do so we can move forward.

Post edited by: bxrgrl, at: 07/09/2012 07:56 AM

I know how you feel. I'm also so stubborn and I just want to reason with him and explain it over and over again, even as I'm doing it I know it is futile. I think you've learned more than me!

I don't know the custody question, I would suspect it is hard to get only supervised visitation without some other evidence of being an unfit parent. Was it your husband with the dual dx/detox issues? That might help your case, but I'd talk to a lawyer. They might have advice about things you can do or document in the interim to support needing supervised visitations. At the minimum it might give you some peace of mind that you are putting things in motion so that you wouldn't be/feel stuck, if you decide it is best for you and your kids to leave.

It is like I think I can talk sense into him even though I know it is futile. I've been told the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a differnt outcome. If that is true then I really am crazy, it would seem.

Yes, my husband has dual dx. He also had legal trouble 4 years ago that was pled down to misdemeanor drunken in public/disturbing the peace. I probably have more in my pocket than it would seem. I think the idea of talking to an attorney is good. You are right, it may help me feel less stuck!

Bxr, getting him to the pdoc BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY was the main objective.

But I learned (from a post by Hythloday, which caused me to do some research online) that pot can CAUSE mania, if too much is consumed. Since Hash oil is concentrated pot....just watch out. Have 911 on speed dial.

I will keep that in mind married. I have noticed that when he smokes he seems to have some hypomanic signs like up late, rapid speech, etc. He does not smoke a lot as he knows that smoking while the kids are awake or around is a deal breaker for me. Buy I will be attentive to his behaviors and look for any signs of mania coming on. Monday can't come soon enough!

Can I lecture you a bit now?

When your husband starts on the meds again, you have GOT to have more control over your tongue! Do NOT say whatever is on your mind. Do NOT get argumentative. Do NOT try to get him to address all his past issues in a short time. In fact, you need to BITE your TONGUE and BIDE your TIME until he gets stable.

(Have you read the Hard Truths thread? I think you should look at it, so you can prompt the pdoc on Monday, if say, your hubs is on a terrible sleep schedule or only eats junk food, and the like.

I can second that. I worked really hard when my husband was in rehab and just home at biting my tongue. It wasn't easy but it was essential that I create a calm home to support his stability ( which by the way, has had lots of benefits for me too)

My husband went to 30 day treatment center for major marijuana abuse. The pdoc (whom I met with today- will try to post an update soon) believes the pot either caused or exacerbated the mania

Thank you, Kitkat, for reminding me that I forgot (head-desk) what was most important---the END GOAL. Stability, peace, a loving home. You gotta keep your "eyes on the prize" and don't get distracted by short-term nonsense. Your long term "prize" is a stable husband and loving relationship.

THEIR stability benefits US immeasurably!