Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

My situation: I've probably been Bipolar for many many years, though it was only 'diagnosed' the summer of '11. My psychiatrist claims that I had been living of life of hypo-mania and it was simply accepted as part of my personality. I have been hospitalized twice for depression (one being with homicidal tendencies)

I have been married to my present wife for 21 years, have always been a devout, faithful, hard working, do what I had to do to take good care of the family and anything else to improve the present, reliable and loving husband and father. Everything MY father was NOT! However, on the flip side of that, I maintain a 'give in to save the peace' kinda guy, figuring if it's not going to affect the grander plan then worrying about winning a battle for today was insignificant. And, I married an Irish-Italian American woman that maintained an 'oppressive corporate executive' personality. Yes. Opposites DO attract.

In 2010, due to the Great Recession, I lost my thirty year career. And along with it, a` mid-six figure income, unbelievable benefit package and the stock options that accompany an employee owned business, and spent the next two years unemployed. I went back to school and educated myself in a high demand industry, was employed immediately after completion, have been steadily working (though with a flexible paycheck due to being paid by the mile) and am constantly attempting to find a position that will get me closer to home, or at home, more often and on a steady schedule. However, I am new to this industry and starting life all over again at age 55. The the pay is roughly 30% of my previous salary (equal to unemployment which would have ended completely two months after employment) and it comes with additional expenses that are not reimbursed. But, I need experience to find something better.

I re-educated in the professional trucking industry because it was paid in full by the Workers Retraining Act and the other course studies offered did not set well with my ADHD or my personality. The wife and I DID discuss these issues prior. Not mentioning, the other course studies were two year Associates degree courses and I had to be able to prove to them that I was sustainable throughout the course study, even without unemployment, and we are not. So I elected for a six month course study in this industry.

Now, the financials and the home are back in control of my wife and she has become nothing less than a ... okay, I won't say it out of respect ... toward me over the entire situation. Now I understand that money is real tight, but if I can pay off her twenty thousand dollars of credit card debt (while collecting nothing more than unemployment), as well as reduce a twenty-five thousand dollar personal loan to ten-thousand dollars, she should be able to do this where we are today. (NOTE: these debts were the reason I took over finances when I became employed in the first place)

The question is: Will we, as a couple, ever recover from my mental crash of 2011 (bipolar triggered full tilt due to stress, anxiety, and marital complication that accompany long term unemployment) which put me on four different medication, twice daily, just to maintain some sense of normalcy? Or, is the drastic salary reduction, the bipolar, my informing her of my knowledge of her online romance of ten years (which only added to my crash) and the struggles, heartaches and heartbreaks of the past two years going to be the end of us?

I understand none here may be professionals in this arena, but I do respect the input and insight of the Spouse of a Bipolar in an Active Relationship.

God bless. I keep my prayers with the Spouses equal to the prayers of my Bipolar brothers and sisters. It's a difficult journey for all.

(post edited for PS)

PS: There has always been tension in our marriage. She only seems happy when I cater to her every whim and I have been unhappy for over fifteen years. No wonder she never married her first boyfriend of ten years, who is the same guy she has had another ten year on-line romance with. She claims all they ever did was fight. He must not be the 'give in to save the peace' kinda guy as I.

Post edited by: 2ofme, at: 07/23/2012 03:54 AM

2ofme, I think many of our members would be ECSTATIC if their spouses could keep working for pay after diagnosis. My husband (in his 50s) is on disability now, as is not uncommon.

I think I would say this: If your wife cannot forgive and LET GO of what you did during your manic episode (which doesn't sound, in terms of the mania we see here, all that bad), then maybe you should move forward with a separation. Hate to be so blunt but, the flip side of what we deal with usually would be "if your spouse won't get stable, then move on."

marriedtiot; If the comment '.....If your wife cannot forgive and LET GO of what you did during your manic episode...", please clarify what you mean. I didn't do anything but live in the hell of a six month or so mixed episode, 24/7. It was SHE that was having the 'On-Line Romance'. And, was doing so long prior to the loss of my career, long term unemployment and total crash. She's was having that relationship for ten years. I was only unemployed for one when I crashed.

(again,post edited for PS)PS: I thank you for giving me credit where credit is due. That is highly appreciated and helps me to believe that what I went through and am going through still, is not 'all in vein', as it seems to be insinuated.

Post edited by: 2ofme, at: 07/07/2012 01:54 AM

BUMP! I would appreciate more than one opinion in this matter. Thank You in advance.

So what did YOU do that would keep you two from being able to move forward with your relationship? You say you went manic then crashed, well, what happened that would prevent the two of you moving forward from that?

Or is the REAL question that your asking is can you two recover from you and her not getting along well and the fact that she had an extra marital affair, online or not? I understand that you two may not have been getting along well the last 2 years, and no, I don't know the whole story. So did the money drop off play a part too?

So I guess what I'm asking is, are you asking us whether we think you two can recover from your mania then crash(which we're pretty much in the dark about), or whether or not you two can recover from you crashing and having found out everything that you did? Plus the way things have been the last two years?

I don't quite understand what your asking, I'm sorry

Post edited by: hooba, at: 07/07/2012 09:41 PM

Hey there. I'd like to jump in. It sounds like you are trying to learn all you can since you recent diagnosis, and being committed to stability, so...

First I'd like to commend you for moving forward after your career vanished. My husband (41), like so many others is now disabled due to his BP symptoms being so severe, so consider yourself blessed. You ARE still able to work and provide for your family. My husband is going through so much, and it makes him feel like less of a man, father and provider.

I read in your post, that you have always done right by your wife...However, during a true manic episode, most people with Bipolar Disorder, say and do many things that they would not ever do if stable. And in most cases, they are not even aware that they are doing and saying things that many consider abusive.

Therefore, I don't feel it is fair to say that you wife's alleged questionable activities can be labeled as merely bad behavior. Often, when a person has been stressed for so long by a spouse, who has a disorder like this, they do things that are also out of character. (i.e. -infidelity, online relationships, withdrawn...just for some examples)

Or, maybe she has her own mental health issues...undiagnosed, of course.

I hope this helps you. (I was hoping to convey what I think Married was trying to say, but I also shared from my OWN experience here, as it hits kind of "close-to-home)

---To answer your question---I got the impression your wife was blaming you for the loss of your high salary job because of your episode. Her affair--Sewnup is right when she says that having an unstable, especially manic, spouse is EXTREMELY stressful and can cause the partner to behave out of character--to drink, drug, develop an anxiety order or depression (a significant number of our members in longterm relationships take anti-anxiety meds or anti-Ds, but that didn't start till their partner went manic). Even if you didn't do what we commonly see on here: overspending (even to bankruptcy), infidelity, raging, fleeing (just up and leaving and saying "I never loved you"), scaring the bejesus out of us (driving recklessly, doing drugs or drinking to excess, ending jobs, starting businesses, borrowing money....), and even if your wife was a saint (which it sounds like she is NOT), she would have been deeply stressed by having an unstable husband.

It sounds like your problems predate your episode and are of long standing. Please DO NOT be offended when I tell you that what you might want to do is an old old "wise elder's" trick: make a list of the pros and the cons of the relationship and look at the lists and ask yourself if the pros outweigh the cons. At least based on what you told us, it sounds like the problems are far deeper than your episode.

I agree with married that the issues go deeper than what happened with what's been happening to you in the last 2 years. I'm impressed that you've been able to keep it together as well as you have with all that you've gone through. My husband has had a difficult time keeping a job and is on disability. I would have dearly loved handing over the finances if he had been able to handle the stress of it.

It's very possible that your wife has reacted out of stress, but it does NOT justify bad behavior. I suppose the questions you need to ask yourself are: do you want things to get better between you two, how does she feel about it, and how much effort are you willing to put into healing your relationship?

FWIW: There was a time when my marriage was floundering badly so I can relate to what you're going through. It took time, patience, forgiveness (on both of our parts), figuring out how to manage this disorder together, and lots of talking and sharing before we got to where we are happy with each other now.

Please feel free to keep coming here. It is an awful disorder and I'm glad we have each other to help navigate through it all.

Post edited by: sallyo, at: 07/08/2012 06:40 AM

Have you and your wife ever done marriage counseling? It sounds like it is something you might want to consider, maybe having a safe place to express your fears, concerns, and feelings might be what you need to move forward. It helped my husband and I a lot to rebuild and regain what we had and actually made us better than before.

hooba; I don't feel as if I did anything, short of not living up to her 'dream life'. I was laid off for a year, working two part-time jobs, subcontracting on-line services for two companies and consulting for one local company. And, trying to maintain my unemployment by seeking three jobs per week. Then she would come home and talk to me like I had done nothing all day and that I could be doing the house cleaning, laundry, etc. Needless to say, that simply added more stress and anxiety for myself and in our relationship. She would claim I was being mean to her and I could never see that happening. Maybe I was and, that, I didn't see. But, short of that, I did nothing. In fact, I took over all the finances, paid off 20,000 in credit cards and paid off 15,000 toward a 25,000 personal loan. Something she could NEVER do when I WAS making a mid-six figure income.

Much of what I'm think I'm asking is, can we move forward from me not being the man she married 21 years ago. I won't cater to her anymore and I won't hold in how I feel or what I think. I did that for to many years and it was a huge contributing factor to the crash. I had known about the 10 year on-line relationship she was having with her former lover of also 10 years, prior to our marriage. But, I said nothing. He is in Japan and she is in Seattle. And, I let my 'don't stir the embers if you don't want a fire' attitude control my silence. Well, I will no more. That is no longer who I am, both due to therapy and medications.

The drastic cut in salary plays a huge roll. I have always strived to provide better for my family and that's exactly what I did. I went from 40thousand a year to 150thousand a year in twenty years. Then, BAM! unemployment. That's a huge adjustment. But fortunately we are still in our home and have lost none of the vehicles as I paid cash for three of the four, financed the fifth and paid it off in 1-1/2 years.

As for my mania, I am only hypo-manic (BAD-2). For about the last six months prior to therapy and meds, I lived in a constant state of rapid cycling and mixed episodes. Shaking one minute and in a total melt down of tears the next. It got to the point where it took nothing to trigger me, I just triggered. When I started therapy, the psychiatrist said I should have been hospitalized months ago, but since I was not, she was going to do everything she could to prevent that from happening. I started med therapy that afternoon.