Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

Mazzy...if the marriage question was directed at me...........almost 32 years married, almost 37 years together. Not sure how I've done it either, except that "normal" is largely defined by whatever it is that you live day to day. Even if what you are living is very far from normal.

I am hoping that the partial hospitalization program in which my husband is now enrolled will finally put "us" on the road to stability. Then maybe we will be able to redefine "normal."

Zen, I must say forgiving our self is key to finding our way out.. Once the tidal wave hits (which mine hasn’t fully hit) I see it coming but its still way out at sea, you can then repair the damage… I have a list I would love to share with you that has really opened my eyes about abuse and where I personally have come from in a psychiatrist’s view of analyzing women much like me who go after men that are “needy” it’s a form of control (as much as I hate that word I am very much controlling and for years never ever realized it).. I’ll send you a PM with the list of the characteristics of women who go for men like “we” do… See if you see yourself in it and if you can or do relate then it will be the light bulb you need to go off inside of your head..

Your husband is abusive, mine also down plays the abuse.. He says I exaggerate.. My counselor suggested that I make a list of all of the things he broke and things he has done that’s “really bad” I have and I re-read it on occasion… Being pregnant again (I swore that’s something that would NEVER happen again to me) has opened my eyes even more to myself and my husband….

The one thing about living in two worlds that’s hard to understand is in their world that they have made for us is very one sided…. They only think of themselves and only appear to be in love with us when we give into their every need and demand… When we fight back we are resisting their “head-ship” and man that really pissed my husband off. If I questioned his lie, that would piss him off.. If I called him out on his bull shit he would get pissed off… The only time he was ok with me was when I gave into him.. However, that’s not my ideal of a marriage or how I want to be treated… Let alone see my daughter get treated like I have been as she gets older. I want to set that example for her and give her a life… I will admit there are so many times I feel defeated, weak, stupid, horrible and less than a woman.. I’m on a roller coaster myself (right now) and sometimes I ride the ride all day and other times (my friends from here) help me get off and stay off!

My emotions will balance back out (at least I feel some sort of stability in my life right now) my world is predictable and coming from unpredictable its nice to have some prediction that will happen for a long while.

Wornout, my parents have been married ofr 32 years and together for 37 as well... Thats amazing! My mom told me last night she wished she got off the crazy train years ago and said "see this is why I am pushing you to have stability!" If you knew my family you would understand (if it weren't for my mom) I'd have no problem with writing my dad off.. My mom is amazing and always has been.. Seeing how much damage he has done to my mom really hurts to see.. She is so wonderful that I do not know how any one could treat someone like my dad has treated/talked to her..

Things are slowly getting better between them now though. Thankfully for her sanity!

I agree Mazzy and Hope. I was with my current H for five years and in the former marriage for 10. That relationship was far more abusive than this one. He was Narsaisstic, BPD, BP, Anxiety/Depression, PTSD, there were probably more but I can't remember. His therapist at rehab said the only reason he wasn't a sociopath was because he showed care and concern for his children. Nice!

There was no down time between each relationship, so I didn't have time to recover. I think I met my current H when he was manic and the he came down, but I thought at the time he was just burnt out from being deployed on a submarine for so long. Then it was gambling addiction, then sex addiction, then rinse and repeat.

He is much younger than me. I a 47 and he is 31, so sometimes I think I just married a younger version of my x husband and he just hasn't had time to get progressively worse.

Now I just feel hopeless because I realize with every episode he has been getting worse, now I know that logically by research, not just by experience.

But, at least by talking to his pdoc, I can take some of my power back. If he is going to flush himself down the tubes, let him.

She asked for his cell number, but I think I am going to tell her that he knows her number, he can call when ready. I am afraid to orchestrate that.

Oh Zen.... You haven't healed yet.. Are you co-dependant by any chance? Not judging because I am to an extent as well.. I am only asking because we are like onions, there are many layers to all of us.. If you are scared to be alone (lack of confidence in yourself) then it may help you figure that all out so you can take the right steps to become healthy and have a fighting chance in your life.. You have a 4 yo correct? If I am not mixing stories up this will help provide stability to your son. It's important that kids (as you already know) have that.. Its easy to get caught up in the "storm" and not be able to see the calmness just around the corner..But you deserve to have that... Everyone does. I would let him make the correct steps to get healthy.. I wouldn't make it an easier than it already is (but that is just me speaking from my own experience with my own husband).

Do you trust your husband?

Do you love your husband still?

How do you feel about everything?

Where do you want to go from here?

Mazzy, I do have a 4 yo, 9, 10, 17 and 19. The youngest is his biological. I think I have enabled him, so has his mom and dad, but at least they understand now. His aunt is another story.

I have made it too easy for him to come back, but a lot of it I didn't understand. I often did the "kicking out" when he was manic or in a mixed episode because he scared or annoyed the cr@p out of me!

I would make threats but then not follow through on monitoring his meds. If he seemed better, I would get on with being the mom of all my babies. LoL

I do still love him. I don't trust him and I want him to get help. I would love to be a family, but realize now it is him that has to work just as hard as me.

So, maybe the brain washing he has been doing on me isn't working anymore. Shocker! I am not the whole problem.

I am preparing for the long haul and looking forward to meeting with the pdoc soon.

I just texted his mom and told her that the pdoc said it sounds like he is in trouble and it was good I called. I told her now if only her sister could stop feeding his hypomanic state and she agreed. I asked her if he will get tired of her bossing him around soon and she said, yes.

This is from a woman who used to shelter and feed his hypomania when he would leave. She now hugs me and tells me it is going to be ok and babysits my children so I can work.

My son found my iphone he hid about 4 days ago in the backyard. He had tucked it inside a flower pot under the playhouse. It has rained buckets, but the phone stayed dry. I am celebrating the angels that protected my phone.

Now I've asked them to give me the strength to do this all on my own. Hopefully they will inspire, if not provide.

zen, I am with you in all of this... If you need a friend pleas elet me know. YOu are strong!!! And wow, lucky woman to have all those babies.

Thanks Mazzy, you too! I still wake up very shaky, but yesterday I went the whole day with out really crying. I teared up a little bit when I realized all the children, including my "bunny", 4 yo stopped asking for his Daddy, but no all out sobbing because I missed him so much. Right now I don't feel very lucky, but I know that day will come. Right now, it is a matter of keeping them all happy and praying for their dad to get help and come home.