Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

For me, the pain finally got great enough.

I was so tired of the verbal abuse.

I was so emotionally drained that I was numb inside...nearly dead.

I don't know where exactly that the courage came from, but I just put my foot down. Both feet actually. I planted myself, back into the raising that my Momma gave me. I got my head together, and just did what I put my mind to.

It took ME, making more changes in myself, than I expected from my husband. I had to lead, by example. I couldn't fairly ask him to change his behavior, without showing him that I was willing to do the same work.

Wornout, my husbands social worker just called me to check on everything going on.. I updated her and she said "I work with a lot of families that have this illness and this is very common..." It made me realize people like Hooba, Cat among others have really had to work really, really hard to become stable and proactive.

I thought my husband would have been that type of person too but knowing that he believes his own lies tells me just how far away he is from seeing the image inside the mirror.. I know he feeds the "uglyness" in him more so than the goodness inside of him... I can see it as he stifts through life so unbalanced.. He doesn't know how to be balanced and for someone like me I want to reach out and help... like I always have done with him but my reaching out has allowed me to enbale him... I don't want to enable and for people expecially my husband to believe it is ok to treat people with disrespect... If all else fails with us (which it is) that he will atleast become stable for another relationship.. Seeing my babies go through hell and hearing the couselor say CPS will take away your kids if they found out what is going on in that house (which they will) its only a matter of time... I couldn't bare loosing them.

I feel sad today- I'm not sure how to explain it in words- I'm not sad I am loosing my husband, I am sad I am loosing the man "I thought he could be" but he never became.

I know I need to allow myself to cry and to mourn the ending of all of this (not because he deserves my tears) but I owe it to myself atleast to shed the layers of hurt that have been inflected on my daughter and myself...

It sounds like you have a great counselor who is giving you excellent advice. Listen to what she has to say and be proactive for you and your children's sake. Kalissa also gave you some great practical advice on moving forward.

And yes, those who do manage to be stable have to work very, very, very hard every day to "make the decision to be normal," as my husband says, Sometimes they take 2 steps forward and 1 step back, and sometimes it's 1 step forward and 2 steps back. It can become overwhelming and exhausting for both them and us. Which is why we have this group and keep saying "take care of yourself!" It's a critical part of making it through this awful disorder.

Allowing yourself to feel hurt, betrayed, sad, angry, frustrated, etc. is an important part of the healing process. You are already making good progress even if you can't see it yet.

Take it one day at a time, rely on your faith, and as much as possible surround yourself with supportive, positive-thinking people.

Post edited by: sallyo, at: 06/29/2012 08:30 AM

Sally, thank you... I know your are so right about feeling the things I need to feel.. I always feel weak when I cry.. I hate feeling weak but maybe I should allow myself to feel that way so that I can move on and be healthy myself..

Self doubt starts crowding my mind (playing tricks on the factual events of the past) such as it wasn't that bad, he was a great husband at times, he loved me, he didn't really lie that much, he is the father to my children, I owe it to him to keep trying... All of these thoughts contradict my logical/factual side.. I know he was good at times****key word***at times... I have to remember that the abuse never ceased no matter what ulitmatums I gave him...

I have this book and its about people who grew up in abusive homes and I have read it a while back and just came across it today it says "Accustomed to a lack of love in personal relationships, you are willing to wait, hope, and try harder to please... (Thats me) In a relationship you are much more in touch with your dream of how it could be rather than with the reality of your situation...(Thats me)You are addicted to relationships tand emotional pain (Never knew that was me but I keep meeting horrible men) By being drawn to people with problems that need fixing or by being enmeshed in situations that are chaotic, uncertain, and emtotionally painful, you avoid focusing on your responsibility to yourself.. (Thats me) You have a tendency towards episodes of depression, which you try to forestall through the excitement provided by an unstable relationship (thats me)you are not attracted to people who are kind, relaible, and interested in you.. You find such "nice" people boring..(Thats the old me!!! I actually am attracted to nice, sweet caring men- as I thought my husband was one of them)...

The first step to regain healthiness is: Go for help! I came here for just that, now I have mentors that mean so much to me and I have opened a very special place in my heart for you all..

Okay, here's a description of the other side of the coin, and what made me change my life. I was dx with Bipolar in 2000 after taking a whole bottle of klonopin, and then driving myself to the hospital(I guess because I got scared). That's when they pumped my stomach and then transferred me to the psych ward where I was first dx. That was only the beginning of the Bipolar roller coaster ride my wife and I were on. Long story short, I went through years of starting meds, stopping meds, going manic, being hospitalized, and seeing more than 10 Pdocs after that for more than 10 years.

The last time I was manic, in 2010, it lasted for almost an entire year, with me being psychotic almost (if not) the entire time. I don't remember much of anything from that year and what I do remember leaves me feeling like a big POS for leaving my wife and kids. I only know this because my wife has told me, but I left her 3 separate times that year. Later in 2010, she discovered MDJ and learned the tools and gained the strength to not let me walk all over her anymore and take me back with open arms. She learned to MAKE me accept my illness and get help for it, stay committed to getting stable, and never take her for granted anymore, before even considering letting me come back.

It was after I saw she wasn't going to accept me behaving the way I had been in past years and telling me she was done with me, that I finally came back to reality. It was then that I realized everything I was throwing away. All for what? Being able to remain wild and unpredictable, not wanting to take medication for something I only SOMETIMES believed I had. So after I saw my family for what they're worth, unconditional love and support, I made the decision that I no longer wanted to live this way. This was the beginning of my journey to being stable and living a respectable and productive life. My last hospitalization came in January of 2011, after being psychotic and out of control, it was then I found a Pdoc who said he would love to help me out and he had faith I could do it. I was finally tired of screwing up my life and my family's life as well and decided I wanted to be serious about getting stabilized(not even knowing what that meant at the time).

I too, believe that everything happens for a reason, and in April of 2011, my wife had a ruptured disc and had emergency back surgery. Up until this point, I had never been responsible enough to take care of myself, much less my family. Then all of a sudden she was debilitated, and was unable to do anything. All of a sudden I was responsible for taking care of HER AND my girls. In the past I would have ran away and relied on my MIL to do everything. Not this time! This is when I became a new man, I took care of my wife's every need(some too personal and gross to say!) and became a REAL father.

It has not been easy by any means, but the shock that everyone has from never expecting me to change and the pleasure of seeing my wife and kids happy, makes it all worth while I have now gotten a lot closer to my wife and have a wonderful relationship with my 2 girls. Thank you MDJ and everyone that helped my wife say no more! Now I am trying to pay it forward and be the one helping and not ruining peoples lives.

Wow! That was a long short version! Can you picture how long the WHOLE story would have been!

Hooba, that is so amazing... I comend your wife for sticking it out so long with you...What a LONG road but you guys MADE IT!!!! That calls for a celebration! The thing I love about your story is this: you were crazy and wild and until she put her foot down you ran her over... I like how when she did put her foot down... YOU changed... I guess I wished that would have happened to me at times.. I put my foot down so many times and change only lasted for a few months or while things were "good" and then the old him would return.

I am also glad you are a father to your girls.. It is so important as you already know with women and young girls to be proactive in their lives- it builds such a healthy self esteem... Which in return helps them when they leave home and seek out relationships of their own.. I am proud of you but I must say I am so proud of your wife too..You both have a great story and both sides are so helpful to many.. I'm glad you help others on here Hooba (thank you) thank you for changing for your wife and children and the people that love you... I'm so thankful that you came around..

Well, Hooba pretty much explained what happened with us. I don't know that I should say this, but I feel that if I had not finally run across people who were just like me (MDJ), then I would probably be going through the same cycle to this day. Bipolar is hard to fight when you really don't know exactly what you're dealing with!! I knew that I loved my husband and I knew that he loved us, but I also knew there was some demonic force that would take over and take my sweet husband from me for short periods of time.

I got all of the support that I needed here. Instead of crying and begging him to come home, I would get on MDJ and vent. I learned so much. Knowledge is power and this group is very powerful!!! Yes....I did stand up to him, but I started playing my own game. No....I didn't even believe myself when I told him all of the boundaries. I put my game face on and told him that we were not friends anymore and I didn't care to even speak to him unless it was about our daughters. Basically, he was losing his best friend and his family. His old ways were not gonna cut it anymore. When I had doubts, I came here for strength. I truly believe that God knocked me on my tail (literally) to get Hooba kicked into hi-gear several months after he started taking meds.

I am currently trying to reconcile with my own twin sister. She does blame a lot of that on Hooba, but this past week I got a chance to let her know that for over a year and a half I have been treated like nothing less than a queen. I guess it would be hard to see your sibling go through something like that and believe that he had truly changed. She's known him since 1997 and he was really bad to us. Sooo....hopefully she will give him another chance to see just how much he has changed. Everyone in our lives are blown away by this new man that I'm married to that looks just like my old husband!!! I love him (maybe a little too much)...always have. He knew that and used me. When I changed my reaction, though.... WOW!! My dad even told me a couple of weeks ago that he doesn't know how or why I stuck it out so long, but he was glad that I did....

Oh, and the girls?? They absolutely LOVE their daddy! They always did before, but I think it was more of a "hey, daddy!! you're here?!?! I love you" instead of what a true father/daughter love is. He invites them to go to the store with him now! He never took them anywhere with him when he left, whether it be b/c of where he was going or that he didn't know when he would return. Anyway, I love my happy little family. I have nothing to complain about....well, except for how to get my kids to stop arguing!!! That is all...

Post edited by: innerglow, at: 06/29/2012 09:54 AM

Innerglow, you have such a beautiful spirit and heart.. Your a strong woman, super strong! As i said to Hooba, I'm so thankful (for you and your girls) that he changed!!!

Innergow, they stop with age. My boys used to argue a lot, they are only 18 months apart so they are really close. Now they don't argue half as much, thank you lord!

I really hope your sister give hooba a chance, I think if you try and take babys steps by getting together for dinners etc, she will come around. My sister was kind of the same way, but I told her we all make choices, I asked her point blank, before his mania, was he ever like this? Did he ever do this? Well when she answered NO, I explained how mania can change someone quickly. Also we have my mom's behavior before diagnosis and what we went through to go by which helped a lot. I also asked my sister to go on here and read how the similarities in behavior were spot on with J's when manic, that helped too.

I remember when you were on the group's thread and what transpired, I am sooo glad that you found MDJ and the strength to do what you had to do for your family.

I spent more than my share of moments on my bathroom floor crying over the loss of what could have been. It's very normal, and very okay. Just let it out, but don't let it take over you.