Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

I'm feeling kind of sad / angry right now. I just got back from a 4 day trip out of state yesterday and arrived home to find that hubby is deep in a depressive cycle (his irritable/aggressive phase just ended a week or two ago) and while he's been trying (he took me out to dinner at my insistence last night and on a drive to get a light lunch this afternoon to try to "take me out") I feel really jipped. He's seemed happy to see me for about 5 minutes out of that time. The rest of the time he's sat in a chair, napped, or turned the radio up loud enough that conversation is discouraged. In fact, he's napping right now. Is it too much to ask to have your spouse seem happy to see you. Bipolar robs me (us) of so much. I freakin hate it. My husband is either blatantly overreacting to something (yelled at me today for touching his stomach while he was eating - though I didn't know he was eating at the time since he had his back to me. He then stopped eating and threw the remainder of his snack to the dog because it made him lose his appetite and also snapped at me for showing him a number on the caller id and asking if he knew who it was - as in maybe it was for him - and he flipped out saying what the hell was I doing "marching over" there and "standing all up on him with the phone" (he was huddled on the loveseat in a blanket at the time and I was standing probably at the end of his arm's reach and holding the phone out so he could see the number). This has been our only day without kids (we have 6 and they'll all be home tomorrow) and it's been pretty much depressing and crappy. I know he wishes he could enjoy it more, but he says he "lacks the energy" and that "he's been under a lot of stress". He snapped at me for suggesting we take the truck (it had more gas) and when we grabbed sunglasses to go on our car ride, I made the mistake of mentioning that I didn't really care for my sunglasses but they had been the best ones I've found so far after losing my old pair (which he also snapped at me about like I was viscously lying to him or making things up saying that I lost my sunglasses at Kohl's when we were trying on clothes, saying in an i-don't-think-so offended/angry tone "When WE tried on clothes!?!" I then had to remind him of the occasion. SO, he took the sunglasses he was wearing and tossed them across the counter to me in a f*ck you kind of way and said "then wear these" and huffed out of the room. I stated my glasses were fine, and I had every intention of wearing them, I just felt they weren't quite the style I wanted. I offered his glasses back to him and he snapped over his shoulder to me as he strode out the door that he "didn't need sunglasses".

I just feel like I'm either being ignored or attacked. He says he means well, and I want to be here for him/us, but it's driving me f'ing crazy!! Stepping off my soapbox now. I love this guy so much, and I do appreciate him stepping out of his comfort zone to take me to dinner and on a ride/lunch trip earlier... maybe I should appreciate it more.. I missed him while I was gone, and instead of a warm welcome, I come home and feel like chopped liver. It's just not fair.

It isn't fair. I truly hate this disease. I wish it would just go away. It takes so much from everyone. You, your husband and the kids. BIPOLAR JUST GO AWAY so we can lead a peaceful life. I wish you peace and some happiness.

Thanks Cahajasa.

I fear I may be reaching a breaking point. My hubby wants to work at a tattoo shop and as he is very artistically gifted, I have supported this even though I have reservations. He has assured me from early on that he wouldn't do any work that would be covered by underclothing. However, last night, when his buddy was over doing a tattoo here at our house, some woman called her boyfriend (who was getting the tattoo) and asked about a clitoral piercing. Hubby said in an eager and excited tone that he would pierce anybody's anything! He has assured me on SO many different occasions that he wanted me to be comfortable with things, that he wouldn't do any work that was outside of my comfort zone. And now, with the addition of a buddy, and opportunity, and a little mood swinging due to illness, all his promises are forgotten. I can't trust this man. And if he had done it when I wasn't around, he would have just neglected to mention it or told me some half-truth (since he "doesn't lie" lol ) His reaction laid everything clear to me in an instant. I don't really want to throw away our marriage. I am fond of him. I do love him. I want our family to survive and thrive - BUT the reality is: if I have to babysit him and act like a spy or an enforcement officer, if I can't trust him, if he's going to tell me one thing and do another, if he's going to continue his abusive behavior, if he can't stop heading towards infidelity, etc... If he's willing to put our relationship and our family in dangerous waters where he is out of control and has opportunities to destroy himself, me, or our family, then how can I stay? I can't.

Now he's saying he never said that. He says (contradictorily) that he told his friends he WOULDN'T do the piercing, but then said that "it would have been $50 in like 3 seconds" and he didn't understand why I had a problem with it.

He accused me of making things up (even though his friends heard him - which he dismissed saying that they were "fucked up" (drunk or high) - so their comments indicating they had heard him say that also did not support my having also heard it. He said I've never trusted him and he's tired of "being treated like that". That I make him into a person he doesn't like to be. (Which I calmly asserted was the result of his body's chemicals messing with him not me) He said that I don't appreciate how he always works hard to support our family. That I need medicine that my PMS makes me crazy thus resulting in us almost getting a divorce every month (which he threatens, not me). He says he's "done" and is tired of being married to someone who induces him to have such violent outbursts.

I mentioned to him that it is his chemicals. That he has been on approximately a two month cycle for years (to which he said "Oh yeah? Then how come that only happened a few weeks ago?"). I explained that his previous irritable/aggressive cycle ended around that time and offered to let him speak immediately with anyone I had talked to a few weeks ago when I expressed that I couldn't wait for him to get off his cycle and that I expected it would be over within a few days of that time.

I mentioned again that I wished he would get on medication, and mentioned current research that suggests a link between manic episodes and decline in grey matter. Specifically - "The study found significantly lower concentrations of NAA in the right hippocampus of males with bipolar disorder when compared to the control group. They also found that for the right hippocampus, bipolar patients who had the disease the longest had the lowest levels of the amino acid. This association between length of illness and NAA appears to be confined to certain brain regions since it was not found in previous studies that involved the frontal lobe and thalamus.NAA is the second most abundant amino acid-next to glutamate-present in brain tissue. It is a biochemical indicator of the presence of neurons and axons, plays an important role in the synthesis of neuronal proteins, and is a precursor of myelin, which acts as insulation around neurons in the brain.Low NAA is an indication that the integrity of neurons and/or axons has been compromised in some way, either by damage, loss or dysfunction,” Deicken said. The decrease of hippocampal NAA over time in the test subjects indicates a progressive nature of this disease. Decreasing levels of NAA are also seen in neurodegenerative diseases like Alzheimer’s disease, Parkinson’s disease, and multiple sclerosis.

According to Deicken, the findings also confirm the important role of the hippocampus in bipolar disorder. Brain imaging studies of patients suffering from major depression have demonstrated smaller hippocampi. Given that bipolar disorder also affects mood and emotion, it is not surprising that this study provides evidence for hippocampal damage or dysfunction in the disorder. " [http://www.ucsf.edu/news/2003/05/4777/study-suggests- bipolar-disorder-may-cause-progressive-brain-damage] He said "Stop making me have episodes then!"

So, now he's taken off - says he's "done" and "tired of living like this" and has gone to spend the day - or longer- with his (also bipolar) dad.

ALL of this because he asked me about my comfortability with him working in a tattoo shop and I was honest. When I pointed that out, he said "You NEVER talk to me!" I even said "I fully support your artwork, and I really want to see you be recognized and have a sense of accomplishment from your work." He says no matter what he does or how hard he works he's never good enough and that he was a whore I picked up in a gay bar and I can't expect him to be mr. dad or change who he is.. Yes we did meet in a gay bar (he was caretaker at the time for a gay gentleman who liked to frequent the bar and my best friend had decided around that time that she was finished with men after a troubled marriage and so we were hanging out there as well. He picked me up for the record, AND correct me if I'm wrong but isn't a proposal (and commitment) of marriage effectively saying that you are ready and promising to stop being a whore?

He says he is upset that I was stand-offish for days and didn't talk to him about it. I said "you were sick and your moods are not as steady at that time so I thought it best to wait" Which he responded to by yelling something at me. I also mentioned that if we look uncertain around him it's because we're trying not to say or do the wrong thing around him and make him mad. He said "It's only you!" [that he gets pissed off at] I replied that he lectures the kids for hours over small or imagined slights. To which he yelled something else. He eventually ended up just slamming the car door and speeding away.. It was just ridiculous, or at least it would be if there weren't hearts and a family at stake..

I don't know if I'm fed up, upset, or what I am. Maybe I'm just somehow as crazy as he says I am (although everyone I've talked to over the years has assured me this is not the case and they tell me that they can't believe how understanding and supportive I am to him) This roller coaster ride just stinks. My husband (when he's stable) is a great man. I believe that he truly does love me, and I do truly love him, but this stupid illness gets in the way of everything. :/

Thank god for those of you on this list who have made it past where I am now and are enjoying more stability. At this point in all seriousness, you are the thing that gives me hope when mine's run out.

Thank you.

Post edited by: mercale, at: 06/27/2012 09:24 AM

Post edited by: mercale, at: 06/27/2012 09:25 AM

Post edited by: mercale, at: 06/27/2012 09:26 AM

I totally hear you on the breaking point. I think of it this way. If he was going to come back after doing that would you trust him? My husband throw out the divorce word and I am ok with it. I do know that before he was a great man and a wonderful father. He has been gone a month and a half now because of a restraining order and he has moved on. Well, so will I. Even if he was to come back and ask to be back together it would be hard but I would have to say no. I just can't trust him now. After reading all these stories it will happen again and again. I can't go through this again. This has been the worst thing that has ever happened in my life and I can't subject myself to it again. I feel bad because I see people say that he will crash and want to come back and feel sorry for what he has done but this is about me. I can't do this for the rest of my life. I love my husband very very much and I hope he can find true happiness.