Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

My husband and I have been together for 3 years- so far it has already been a tough road. I look at my life and wonder how someone like me got to this place, right here, looking at my life seeing the chaos that is within it. I have so many questions, regrets and I wonder what life would be like if I was married to someone normal. Who can handle every day life without having a melt down, someone that can be constant and not up and down and all over the place. I fell in love with my husband because he was so easy going, he was quiet and sweet, he didn't like drama (by that I mean it never seemed like he went looking for it) he was a great dad to- I thought he was so geniune and caring. He stayed like that for a year and after the year mark I found out he had cheated on me in the begining of our relationship... I was so heart broken- I'm not one to easily trust from past hurts so trusting him was a huge first step for me all to find out he had lied to me for so long about cheating on me. That situation started my nightmare. I am now pregnant with our baby (only 10 weeks along) but my emotions are all over the place with wondering what I should do about our life together and what this is doing to our children that we have now. My husband is medicated but I do not think he is on the correct ones because he has serious bouts of rage, anger and fits. When my husband is calm he is such a great husband and dad but you never know what you are going to get with him. He was just diagonsed this last feb. so this whole BP thing is new to me and to him. He said he has had issues his whole life which he never talked about prior to being diagonsed. I am searching for answers because I know myself well enough to know I can't hang with crazy too long before I run for the hills... I feel I have put my running shoes on and am just waiting for the right time to run like hell and leave this messy life behind.... Is that horrible to feel this way? And I do love my husband- its just that I dont love the ups and downs. I told him today if he doesn't get control over his anger and stop throwing things and throwing fits then he really needs to move out. I was diagosed with fibromyagia in Feb. around the same time he was diagonsed. I have flare ups and im constantly sick. Since I am pregant I am not on my medication for it and I have been so sick the last 10 weeks (not baby morning sickness) flu like sickness. I went to the Dr. he said thats another symptom of fibro, is flu like symtptoms. I truly feel it is because of all of this stress that is constantly on me. Not to mention my step son that is 3 is acting just like his daddy. He gets in fights at school on a normal basis, he held my daughter down on the ground and was punching her back, he has hurt our pets, he wants to stay up till 3 in the morning and play and sometimes he wants to sleep all the time. I took him the the P.Dr. and she said although he is too yound to offically diagonse he seems to also have BP. His bio-logical mother was also BP, she killed herself last year. She walked out on him when he was only 5 months old so he has never known her. I am the only woman he has ever had that has been stable in his life. However, he is such a hand full I can't hardly stand to be with him because he wears me out so much. Sometimes he talks so much that I will literally have to tell him "take a breath!" My daughter is so different, she is easy, sweet, caring, kind, helpful, content, sincere, and is so easy to be around. I love being with her- she is so amazing. she catches a lot of heat from her brother- he is in trouble all the time for being mean and fighting at school.... and he is 3! I feel like my life is nothing but drama... does anyone have any advice to help me through this to the other side or should I kick my husband out and be done and raise this baby on my own? I raised my daughter on my own so I am not scared of that- I did just fine and she is the happiest little girl so I am sure I can do it again. I just need help from those who understand what it is like being married to a BPS.

<3

Are yall letting the psychiatrist (pdoc) know about the mood changes? Even with the medications? There are lots of med combinations, some work for some people while others work for others. It is a constant thing that you have to keep the doctor in a constant loop for. Also, has your husband given you access to the pdoc? That is a must. He has to allow you to be a part of the treatment team. If he does not, then you have to protect yourself. This is not just him affected by the disorder.

The cheating is hard. That is something you will have to decide if you can live with. My marriage is over because I came home and found my wife with a guy she picked up. It turns out she had also cheated on me before we got married, though she says it was only kissing and petting. I am not sure I can believe that. It is something that is hard to get over.

Any abuse is bad, and physical abuse is worse. If he is abusing you, you need to make sure you are safe. Raging is bad. It sounds like an unsafe situation you are in right now.

I am sure others will chime in on this. You need to take care of yourself.

Well, it's 12:00 and my husband is packing up his things and is moving out. I think I pushed him over the edge with my demands of getting healthy or moving out. I think he chosed the latter because our life has been anything but glorious...Expecially lately. I'm sure he is just as unhappy as I am in our marriage. Wednesday night he threw a big fit infront of both of the kids. Our rule at dinner is not a lot of talking because if we just sit and talk the kids wont eat a good.. my daughter had said "can i..." and my husband stopped her and said, "You need to be quiet at the dinner table." my daughter broke down and started crying, I said what did you want hunny? She didnt say anything she just pointed at the salad dressing on the table. I said you want more of this and she shook her head yes. After I was done talking to her my husband said, "What? Are you now her fucking defense attorney?!" he said I don't have his back and that he should be able to talk to my daughter without her crying... The truth is, my daughter is sensitive but she is all girl- she isn't a tough girl she is a very girlie girl. I can't even spank her because it would just break her heart and be the worst thing in the world- you just have to look at her and she straightens up! She is a really good kid.. However, when my husband jumped on her over saying can i... it pissed me off. the kids should be allowed to ask for things at the dinner table, salt, pepper, etc.. they shouldnt be yelled at if they do ask for those things, right? Thats just petty. So, after he shoves his plate at me and yelling at me he walks outside- his son said where is my dad and I said he is outside and he said why? I said he is crying like a baby. the firth thing said after my husband walking in the door was MOM SAID YOU WERE CRYING LIKE A BABY! I didnt know what to say, it was true he was throwing a fit and acting like a baby but I shouldnt have said that aloud to the kids. However, it pissed him off even more and he left... that is the start of the "fight". He came home later that night and I was already in bed and he in an angery tone said, "Im that fucking bad huh?" I just said it wasnt a good idea to talk because it would have ended badly... as it always does. We can't often have normal fights- they get way extreme. As I said earlier, a part of me wants my husband to leave me so I don't have to be the one doing it... but it seems like I am the one always hoping for him to leave rather than get better. I used to want things to get better but 3 weeks ago we just had a horrible episode where my husband lost it and was a lunatic. And the last week he has snapped every night over tiny things that are so not worth getting that angery over. So the other night when he lost it on my daughter it was the topper to all of this. I met with a friend yesterday and I wept- I actually had a hard time gathering myself up because I'm so tired of feeling like this.. My fear is this though_ I see my husbands good points too and I fear he will find a great girl and they will be happy and she will get the side of him that I used to have I know it sounds silly but I fear loosing him and want him gone in the same breath... Maybe its my pregnancy hormones and maybe im silly to think that way. I have become very insecure over the last few years- I used to be a small girl 110 and everyone asked if I had an eating disorder to 147 lbs this year. I'm so over whelmed and my thought process isn't that straight as of right now. I need help!

Silverlock, no my husband has no included me in on his treatments what so ever. I have asked him to talk to the Dr this last week and his response was that he had an appointment in 20 days that he will go then.. Thats when I said, "no way, I can not handle this anymore" he agreed to go to the Dr today and see if he could be seen.. If he couldnt be seen I asked him to go to the mental hospital and be looked at. He said he wasnt going to a mental hospital- he doesn't feel he needs it. As far as the snapping on my daughter- he denied ever doing so- he said he wasn't that mad... which makes me feel that this guy really is nuts. The hard things with the cheating- was it was with his sons mother after my husband was with me.. She was horibly mean to me as well and did some really strange and hurtful things to me.. So when she passed away from suicide i felt a relief that she was gone. It was a relief that the drama was gone. I am starting to feel like I am loosing control over myself as well because of all of the stress and issues in our life.

I am now pregnant, with my second biological child and my first pregnancy was horrible I was also single and very alone. Thats a little scary thinking who would want someone like me- that has 2 kids, im not as attractive as I used to be before I met my husband. So many insecurities have popped up in my mind.

I don't blame you for leaving your wife, are you happy now? Was it hard getting over her? I appreciate your response- I am finding this site to be really helpful.

Dearest Mazzymylove, I am feeling your disappointment, pain and suffering. I have been with mine for almost 5 years now and he has only been on medication for 2 years, it somewhat helped his mood swings but he is in his 40s combined with midlife crisis and have acquired nothing and currently I am financially sustaining his living to keep him off the streets.

You are right..the first year is always the sweetest and once the commitment is there, they seem to let the mood swings take over... regardless of how it makes you feel..then they feel guilty etc...its the mania usually expressed in anger or sabotage then its the guilt and depression..comes after the detachment of disappearing acts without a word that got me so nerve wrecked to finally calming down and having some normality ..until when??? who knows..mine was cycling like that at peak few times a week but normally once a week to twice a week which was still very HIGH.... the circle of repetitious emotions that drive anyone normal to depression!!!! It was the third year into my relationship that I joined MDJunction as well for support!

First it was finally comfortable to sit down and discuss issues about responsibility because after all, when you are in a relationship with someone that suffers from BP YOU WILL HAVE MOST IF NOT ALL THE responsibility! While u are doing that, he will even sabotage you!!

I know, I didn't even mind that part as much, what is upsetting for me is the abuse and you can't even hold him accountable for that because he has no control. Sure people is going to say make him be responsible for it, face it... he can't even control himselve so how CAN I?? Cheating unfortunately comes into play, even though he insist that he is not a cheater and hates people that does but he won't turn down a BJ and who knows what else. He might even feel disguised after, perhaps not the act but getting caught?? Then comes more ANGER..abuse... or simply..I don't need to run away, he does that all too well.

Here is the tricky part...I merged my lives with my partner in faith and hope of our future and my children...and i get you, when you shared about when he is normal and can be such a wonderful loving husband and father...calm, quiet, reserved and likes to listen and is extremely attentive... a great lover and a friend right?? WRONG!

I know deep down inside, he is a good person that has a lot of morals and integrity, the man i first met was family orientated, love kids and spent most of his day cooking, cleaning for us and gardening. I dream of that man back..but its been 4 years I don't think he will be coming back

What I deal with now is a man who has uncontrollable racing obscene thoughts and is hyper in everything, from sexual, manic, depressed etc... So should I just be grateful that he let someone give him oral sex and who knows what else...and not find him Over Dose in drugs dead in a ditch somewhere??

He is sick and I am with him..so what does that make me, his caregiver.!!!...the issue here is, I am emotionally attached to this man

and every time he does something stupid and terrible wrong, I distance myself, I can say it now...HE HURT ME!! WHAT am I his doormat .. i take care of him and I get all this abuse and betrayal...

Then I calm down and wished for that man I fell in love with that returns to me when he is normal..not manic or depressed...

You are asking the same question I am....where is my limit to this insanity....they suffer from mood disorder..and we are right along side with them....ohh and don't let him talk you into thinking it might be you who has an issue...you sound like a stable and wonderful mother, your description of your daughter says it all...I have 3 and same..all with pleasant and happy personalities..i also got myself Psychiatrically tested.... ya i get angry back sometimes..i am only human...but I was diagnosed with depression..can you blame me

Here is what I have decided....

I don't have to take his illness and claim it as my own or live with it with him....which I am not, we have been living apart for over 6 months now.....

I will continue to be his caregiver in limited resources to only sustain his minimum living only in the condition that he keeps working on his stability....

He does anything wrong ... I don't see him at all till he reflects, apologizes and sincerely is remorseful for what he has done, hurting me and recognizing that his actions when allowing the hyper mania take over....

Leaders on MDJunction are well experienced and always give amazing advice, when they gave me to advice to make boundaries etc..i didn't know what they meant let alone how to go about it even though they gave tons of examples...its when I had enough that was when I set my boundaries...and they are here to stick...I'm worth more than what he makes of me!!! Good luck!!

Love2blue, Maybe we are co-dependant? I wish sometimes I had some awesome friends who understood and perhaps may have experienced this to be my room mate and get through this together! I know it sounds amazing huh? Well, the reality of my life sounds so much like yours...How far will we go? How far will they push us? How far down will they take us? I too was diagosed with fibromygia and dystymia which is a chronic depression and I am pregnant I feel very alone in my marriage. THANK GOD for this group it has already helped me more than I can express by words.. I already have a spot in my heart for all who are here- I wish I could meet you in the real world and not just cyber space. However, I'll take what I can get. I leave work at 4 pm and I go and pick up the kids so we will see how the night ends... Also, I wanted to let you know I also think I am crazy, of course I tell myself if I wasn't crazy myself why else would I still be here? Because I love him and I hated hearing that from women when I was younger- I thought if he treats you wrong how can you love him, idiot!!! Not true, they don't always treat us wrong, my husband is the best lover I've ever had, he can be so romantic and soft and gentle and then the monster comes out in times of stress which are always very close! Then he comes down and feels bad for cussing and yelling and treating me like trash and then he does it again. I used to fight back like an angry pitbull but I learned that it doesn't help. I fight very little- I am very logical so my reactions tend to be with logic.. which are very harsh and distant. But when he is on a good roll Im nice and sweet and gently back with him- I just dont get it often.. And our sex life.... well, I should say lack of sex life... We can go a month and it be normal... My husband said he is going to start jerking it if he doesn't get some soon... however, its not that I dont want sex its that one min he is great and the next not so great.. how do I have sex with that? I don't fully understand how to flip my switch from on and off.... Also, I have noticed him staying up way late- way past when I go to bed- maybe he is watching adult movies who knows... if that were the case I'd feel cheated on (again). Lost, is how I feel and is becoming a normal emotion these days.. I hope he is gone tonight when I get off of work! Love2blue, I wish I could give you a hug! I'm here for you and everyone else to lean on- we can get through this with eachother! lots of love.

What medications is he taking right now, do you know? Some medications side effects are fits of rage and anger filled mood swings. It could be he is not properly medicated or not medicated enough. It also sounds like, if he is having anger issues all the time, he might benefit from anger management. It sounds like your in a real pickle! You have to be involved in his treatment with his psychiatrist, Pdoc, because I'm sure the Pdoc isn't aware of the rage and him throwing things and being abusive to you and the children. Someone has to tell his Pdoc how he is behaving or he may never get better.

I have BP and am stable with a wonderful wife who stood by me until I finally got stable and on the right combinations of meds, we also have two beautiful daughters together. I was diagnosed (dx) in 2000, a year after our first daughter was born, and it took me a VERY long time to accept I had BP and remain on medications. I hope this won't be the case with your husband. It is up to you and totally your decision whether or not you can handle this anymore. I know you will HAVE to set boundaries or this will be a constant problem in your life. My wife had to finally get tired of me being kind, sweet, gentle and a caring person half the time and a bouncing off the walls, racing thought headed, rapid speaking, crazy ass lunatic the other half. After dx, I would take my meds for awhile until I felt like I was a zombie and then stop taking them and go manic and get myself involved in VERY dangerous behavior and staying gone all the time. This cycle continued until I was finally on the right med combo, and at a point I accepted I needed help getting well.

Maybe letting him leave will be a good thing for you both. Set your boundaries while he is gone so you will be ready if/when he wants to come back, which I can almost guarantee he will want to. The group leaders will be able to help you most in learning these techniques in defending yourself from BP. Best wishes.

I agree with Hooba. Listening to what is going on, letting him leave is a good things. Things are abusive in the house hold. As long as he is that way, it will be bad for you and the kids.

My situation was a little different. My wife was never abusive until the one time she went manic. Then she became a liar, a cheater, and cruel. So I got hit with it all at once. I at first thought shew as just manic and might some day come out of it, that she was a victim of her illness. But I think learned she had been lying to me from the beginning our our relationship. She probably has borderline personality disorder as well, which is why we got along so well. She absorbed my personality, like she has absorbed the new guy she is with. Even if I am wrong, she was non compliant with her medications and allowed herself to become manic. She also could not stop drinking wine. So I have to hold her responsible. It is not easy, sometimes it is very hard, but it is the only thing I can do if I dont want to live in misery. Would I turn her away if she started taking care of herself and showing she was serious about her treatment? I dont know. But the thing is, she has not done that, and until she does, there is not even a question.

Number one rule, Our BPSOs have to take care of themselves. Abuse in unacceptable. Period. You are a person of worth. You do not deserve this. Nobody does.

mazzymylove, we are already soul sisters because of what we are going through and dealing with.....

People say it maybe co dependency, I do not know, I just know when 2 people commit to each other in a relationship AREN"T YOU SUPPOSE TO be able to rely on one another?? My parents were married for 55 years till my father passed away and that was how I saw my parents marriage to be, it wasn't always successful but they managed together.

I work, I take care of my children and my household, I don't think I ever depended on him .. what I did seek for was someone that I can Love and that can love me just as much in return.....my SO was also romantic..a good lover and friend (when he is stable) and very attentive to me. Its a shocker though, one day he gives so much and another he takes away everything....

The emotional turbulence your husband put you through and mine to me is enough to cause panic attacks and anxiety to the calmest and most rational in us..

Hooba and Silverlock has some great advice and honestly, there are some things they don't want us to share with their Pdoc but hey, I am learning, they need to know if he is going to get real help and I am trying to find courage to do that this next few days after the weekend.

I am with you..........we will get through this together!!! Whether they stay in our lives or not!!

I'm curious if you are in counseling. When things got really crazy this spring, I started seeing a therapist and it was absolutely wonderful. She told me about a book called "codependent no more." I haven't had a chance to read it yet, but we talked a lot about codependency. I resisted the idea at first because I wasn't getting anything by being his caregiver, but then I realized that I couldn't let him go, even as bad as it had gotten. I realized I was living a double life - pretending to everyone else that everything was ok and covering for my husband. I was not taking care of myself, and I became an emotional eater. Starting therapy validated me. It helped me to create and maintain boundaries. It helped me find my voice and be strong with the list of non negotiables I gave him in march. This is so, so hard. I can't imagine being pregnant while all of this is going on. You have to take care of you, your daughter, and that precious bean you are growing inside of you, even if it means losing him. You need to know that you are important - much too important to he treated this way. My husband was raging, too. I totally get it about being guarded about having sex. I also told him I couldn't feel safe if I didn't know from one minutes to the next if he was going to be loving or angry.

There is hope. If he gets his meds and therapy in order. He can start to heal. My husband is doing so much better since he went back to the pdoc. He knows the line now, and he knows that if he crosses that line, I am gone. He has chosen us over "it" now. If not, I could not be with him.

Stay strong, take care of yourself, and work on defining your boundaries. One step at a time. Huge hugs to you. I wish there was a way for this all to hurt less...

Post edited by: updownaround, at: 06/15/2012 08:36 PM