Wishing it could just be fun again. . He doesn't do well with transitions, and Friday is the last day of his job. He doesn't have anything else lined up. The past couple weeks have been rough, but this weekend has been really hard. He is at a barbque now, and won't answer his phone. I'm afraid he is going to drink. If he drinks, we have a HUGE problem. It is on the non negotiable list. He already sabotaged last nights date night, and we ended up driving around discussing everything for hours. He woke up this morning still in a funk and being grouchy and angry. We had a long, heated conversation, and I basically said he needs to choose us, or find somewhere else to live. If he drinks tonight, that tells me his decision. I'm scared, I'm hurt, I'm distraught, I'm frustrated, and I'm using my time thinking about my backup plan and how I'm going to have to put it in action. This with 5 days left of school!
After all of our discussing, he did call a therapist. She would cost $130 a session. He doesn't have a job after friday. How can we afford that? He still has insurance for a few more months, but we have kaiser, so they make it difficult to get in. He left for the barbque with "that" look on his face. Is it over??
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Extra difficult with kids. I know what you mean about alcohol--my wife finally agreed that it doesn't go well with bipolar. It's about the only thing she'd done differently since diagnosis.
Kaiser should be fine for therapy, and most therapists can reduce rates if they know you don't have insurance. It won't be affordable, but it'll be better than not getting therapy.
One of the things that has really hit me with bipolar is that my wife and I have all the typical marriage problems (in a rut, communications, etc.) but bipolar makes it difficult if not impossible to deal with these basic problems.
Hang in there. Finish the semester. Enjoy your little one. Good luck!
Thank you so much. You are right that the typical relationship stuff is just that much harder with BP. I have been begging him for months to go back to therapy, so the fact that he called is great. I think he is also planning to call kaiser in the morning, but he hasn't had much luck with them.
He finally called, and I think he's ok. Not drinking. Crossing everything that the evening continues that way. I just hate being on edge, and I hate having my heart sink when he doesn't pick up his phone. The way he left to it, I really thought that was it.
He couldn't wait 5 more days so I could at least finish the school year?!?!?
05/20/2012 11:40 PM
Posts: 1651 Senior Member
I am so sorry updownaround!!!! I hope you don't blame yourself or think any less of yourself because of his choice! Remember that it is not about you, it is about him choosing alcohol and instability!!
If at all possible, follow through with the consequences of his choice...just like you would do with a child!!
We are here to support you along the way!!
05/21/2012 10:08 AM
Posts: 1494 Senior Member
I'm sorry. I know the feeling of dread. Also, the feeling when you find out that they did as you thought. I'm sorry. Take care of you.
05/21/2012 10:51 AM
Posts: 663 Member
I agree completely. It is not about you. It is about him filling a need in himself in a very unhealthy way, but it's all he knows how to do and is willing to do at this time. I applaud you for setting your boundary and sticking with it. He needs to understand that you are not a door mat and he can't have it both ways. Be strong for your Son, but perhaps this will be a wake up call for your spouse. Let him have the dignity to hit rock bottom and turn it around. Even if your marriage fails, if he is able to get healthy, you will be giving your Son a huge gift...a healthy father, who will hopefully be around for a long time as he will then be taking care of his body.
05/22/2012 07:02 PM
Posts: 145 Member
So here is the update. This roller coaster is making me dizzy. Sunday night I could not sleep. I didn't know when he was coming home and he wasn't answering his phone. I guess it is a preview for some day when I have a teenager. I kept thinking I should just sleep and whatever happened it would be his to deal with. But I couldn't. Finally at about mid it he answered his phone. He said he was out in the car. He had gotten sick and he didn't want to come in because he was "embarrassed". I could tell he was high, and he couldn't really put together a sentence. Instead of following all sane advice about not talking to him in an altered state, I started to lay in to him. I told him we were through. I told him I had had enough. The babysitter called in sick Monday, so he didn't go to work. He was fine by morning. And then he got a call from the party host saying several people had gotten food poisoning and were puking their guts out. As much as I hate pot, I do believe he didn't actually drink anything. So now I am the drama queen.
Things I learned from this: don't jump to conclusions, include pot in list of non-negotiables, and keep working on my own issues. I realize how broken I am, and how much this is impacting me.
I am so tired. The drama is really getting to me.
A positive outcome of this is that he made an appt with the pdoc and made it for a time when I can go too. He is still going to AA meetings, and he is ready to adjust his meds if need be.
Thank you for listening, and for walking me through this.
05/22/2012 07:14 PM
Posts: 3932 Group Leader
Well, I am glad things worked out better than you thought. As long as they are trying, we need to give them the benefit of the doubt, but still have an eagle eye . I am so glad he is going to the pdoc with you, that is a huge step in the right direction.
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