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05/19/2012 06:57 PM

AND I'M BACK!

scrambledegg
scrambledegg  
Posts: 60
Member

It's been quite awile since I last posted, so please forgive me. All I can say at this point is "WHAT A RIDE"! Have not seen SO in 7 weeks, very limited contact via text and for about a week now she blocked me from calling her cell phone, which I wasnt doing anyway just an occasinal text. My birthday was in March and SO went all out to make it special for me, which i really appreciated. From the last time i posted we were both working new Jobs and didnt see each other much until Christmas, things were a little bumpy so i just focused on work and would go and see her maybe once a week ( Mind you we were broken up ). After the New year we started to see each other regularly or as our schedules allowed and started to talk about the future and things seemed to be OK! but i was on gaurd at all times just in case and sure enough the i dont want this anymore started, of course it always has to do with my ex whom i barely speak to. At this point i just let it be and did not contact her at all for two weeks. One night after work i dropped by a friends bar to have a beer and when i left around 2am my phone rings and GUESS WHO?. I made as if nothing happened and her opening line was "I hope you're not mad that im calling but have you spoken to "XYZ". My response was cool and collected with a casual "No I havent". Then it proceeds to what are you doing? blah blah blah...Before you know it there I was with her sitting in my car 30min later talking about getting back together. Long story short we started up again and things really seemed to be going well, we were both working full time and enjoying life together making plans for a future and in all the time that i know her i got very close to her mom who adores me. I would visit her on my day off and have coffee with her and things like that. It seemed SO liked the idea of me spending time with her mom and would even encourage me to go visit with her since my days off are during the week. Fast forward to March and things started getting a little off, but she managed to hold it together until after my B-day thats when it really started to go south. She kept talking about having a baby but always said i have to be off my meds for a few months at least to even consider it. I would always say it wont happen without a green light from the Dr. I took her to a Dr. appointment soon after my B-day and about a week later the usual talk about not wanting me started and before i knew it, BAM! she was done. Sorry for the rambling but it has caused me to get very depressed this time and unsure if she will contact me again. This all has happened before and im not sure how i would react if she did reach out to me or if i even want her too. Part of me does and the other part doesnt which makes it very confusing. I might add that i recently went to see a therapist for my own sanity and felt better but for some reason I JUST CANT GET HER OUT OF MY HEAD! The therapist who happens to have many patients with Bipolar and has been in practice for 30 years said to me "It's not if she contacts you, it's when she contacts you" He did also say if you decide to continue, make sure you set clear boundries as far as meds and therapy and that i should be involved. I know my post is a little all over the place and long but any advice is appreciated.

Thanks

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05/20/2012 07:35 AM
sallyo
sallyoPosts: 3681
Group Leader

It's not all over the place! You're in pain and needed to write down how you feel. I'm sorry things have turned out this way again for you. I think your therapist is right about the not "if" but "when." It's up to you to decide how you want to respond when the time comes.

In the meantime, and I know you've heard this before: Take Care of YOU! I'm glad you went to the therapist for some help. Remember that it just simply takes time to work through emotional pain. Make sure you eat right, get enough sleep, keep busy, make new friends, develop new interests and keep moving on with your life.

Hopefully things will get better for you soon. Don't give up!


05/20/2012 08:00 AM
scrambledegg
scrambledegg  
Posts: 60
Member

Looking back on previous posts, I've come to the conclusion that there are certain times during the year when this happens. Is it me or just a coincidence? I have read so much on this subject and almost every story is a carbon copy. I have Googled it with all different wording and noticed that most people post or ask questions around the same time of year. Why is that? Do all that suffer from bipolar have a seasonal aspect to it? Has anyone noticed this as well?

05/20/2012 08:10 AM
sallyo
sallyoPosts: 3681
Group Leader

Sometimes it sure seems like it! I think some of it is seasonal, and some of it are triggers that are set off for one reason or another.

05/20/2012 08:29 AM
scrambledegg
scrambledegg  
Posts: 60
Member

Not for nothing but, what's with the blocking of the phone calls or better yet changing the phone # which by the way was done last year around the same time. Is this some kind of control they need to have?

05/21/2012 09:19 AM
scrambledegg
scrambledegg  
Posts: 60
Member

I have my up's and downs, I try and take it one day at a time but it's so hard. I find myself ruminating over this situation and I know it's not healthy to do. Will the thoughts ever go away? If i'm feeling this way God only knows what the bipolar sufferer go thru. HEARTWRENCHING!

05/21/2012 09:25 AM
sallyo
sallyoPosts: 3681
Group Leader

So true! I would guess that what we go through trying to understand and help our loved ones is minor to what they go through every day. I appreciate my husband's commitment to stability even when times are rough, both for him and me.

All you can do is take it one step at a time, do what you can to help, and make sure you take care of your own emotional needs. That last one: taking care of yourself, is the most important thing you can do. It's hard sometimes to make the time and not get caught up in the disorder, but if we aren't healthy we can't help our loved ones. When it gets to be too much, focus more on work, hobbies, friends, family, etc.

BTW: the blocking of phone calls probably is a control thing that can happen when manic.


05/21/2012 09:29 AM
scrambledegg
scrambledegg  
Posts: 60
Member

So true, but it's the not knowing anything that is really starting to eat me up from the inside out. This is really nothing i havent experienced before but it just seems so final for some reason this time.

05/21/2012 09:37 AM
scrambledegg
scrambledegg  
Posts: 60
Member

Thinking back to when this episode started SO sent me a text saying that my punishment would be 3 months and i knew from that point on it was going to get hard. I tried to ignore the text but now it seems to be holding true. Why would she feel I need to be punished? I've done nothing wrong!Still have a hard time distinguishing if its a manic episode or depression, although im almost positive its not a mixed episode, im pretty sure that was the case before this all started.

05/21/2012 11:31 AM
kalissalea
kalissalea  
Posts: 663
Member

My husband did the phone block thing too. Which came back to haunt him, as when he was arrested he was unable to call me, and had to call his mother to bail him out. So in my case it ended up being a good thing, as I would have likely felt obligated to come to his rescue, which would not have been healthy for either of us.

I think the phone block has to do with control. They want to do their thing when ill, and don't want to hear anyone questioning it or trying to stop them.

As far as punishment goes. I think in my case my husband was angry that in his mind I was not meeting his needs. He could not see that I was not capable of meeting his needs, nor is it appropriate for him to place the burden of his happiness on someone other than himself.

From my perspective, happiness for my husband was always a moving target. It didn't take long till he got board and needed something else to stimulate him. The other woman fore example was like an exciting new toy that fed his ego. He liked how she made him feel about himself, and how he looked in her eyes. Beyond that it was fun. Marriage and running a household with responsibilities is hard work...and my husband when ill wants no part of anything other than fun stuff.

I also think the punishment is a mind game. If the stable reliable person feels responsible in some way, they are less likely to leave the spouse behaving poorly. The spouse wants both, to have their unmediated fun, yet still have a nice stable home waiting for them when they want it.

It was a tough pill to swallow for me. I was no longer the new toy for my husband, and he grew board with me. He love me, and loved our life...but needed that excitement. When I was the toy life couldn't have been better. It was that memory of how it once was that kept me holding on for so long I think. Wishing I could somehow once again be that for him. Truth is though, no one should have to shoulder that burden for anyone. I am who I am, and I can't change into something else for him each time he loses interest. Nor am I going to be the back up when he's done playing with whoever it is at the moment, whether it be friends or a mistress.

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