@Sallyo - no visit to the hospital tonight. I just called and MIL was already home in her nightgown ready to go to bed. Too bad, because I had dinner ready to drop off for her. FIL is asleep and visiting hours end in 30 minutes, so no sense in bothering. I might have made it out the door earlier, but when I got home hubby was asleep, so I took advantage of that, poured myself a glass of wine and watched the latest episode of my soap over the internet. YAY for me. Another half hour "stolen" for myself.
@Hopeful - one of my mantras, otherwise I would have been gone long ago. Another one, left on a stickie on a filing cabinet in my office by my ever insightful 16 year old daughter; "Sometimes, making it to the end of the day is the greatest victory of all." If she only knew how many times I've repeated that to myself........
@Kallisalea - If I were to drop dead tomorrow or disappear, they all would be up s^%$'s creek without a paddle. I should be "training" my children how to do things for themselves and I know that. My husband has already told me that if something were to happen to me, he is simply not capable of doing all of what needs to be done. So, unless they are prepared to do it themselves - for themselves as well as him - well enough to stay under the radar of the state child protection service, they would be in foster care. I haven't had that conversation with them yet. Sounded too scarey and I didn't want to go there.
PS They think they should be PAID for doing anything around here. They are spoiled lazy children.
05/21/2012 08:46 PM
Posts: 11540 Group Leader
Wornout, Kalissa had a great idea about getting them more involved, so they can take care of themselves and help you out both. Remember that you can go on strike if need be. The first time your daughter or son don't have the clothes they want to wear ready because you didn't wash them, they will be more cooperative. Thinking about Sally's mom and Kalissa's mom and my maternal grandmother....who all did EVERYTHING for their families, to the detriment of their own health and in Kalissa's case (and I bet she is not alone), her daughter's maturity and independence---I worry that you have gotten into a rut where you think you HAVE to do everything or everything won't get done. Well, that's okay. It really is.
You have to empower your kids (this is not about not DOING for them, it is about helping them do for themselves), and this will help your burden too.
I totally see your fears about letting them walk home in the dark. (How interesting about Megan's Law starting near you! OMG. That must make you VERY vigilant.) But even if none of their friend live real close, the parents might be willing to drive a little out of their way if they only have to do it every other time???? It would be WELL worth it for you to, next time there is a parents event, asking the parents whether some of them would be interest in sharing the transpo duties with you.
To all: The phrase "It's skillet time" comes from our dear friend and leader, Lollipop. She uses it METAPHORICALLY, not LITERALLY. Noone here condones violence! When we say "It's skillet time," somebody is being a butthead or a dunderhead or a fool or a buttinsky or some such thing and we would like to hit them upside the METAPHORICAL head with a skillet to "knock some sense" into them. None of this is meant literally.
Summer is SOON, Wornout. And I am glad that you are stealing some time EVERY day for YOU. You need it. KEEP IT UP!!!!!
I saw something years ago that struck me as true: "A mother is not for leaning upon, rather she makes leaning unnecessary." It isn't too late to teach them to care for themselves! I like the idea of a small strike. Start with something small, like showing them how the washing machine works, and having them do their own laundry. And if they don't have clean clothes, oh well! They'll figure it out.
Keep taking time for you every day!
05/22/2012 08:06 AM
Posts: 1846 Senior Member
Sallyo, I love that quote! I think I need to add it to my quote collection. This one needs to go on a poster and get hung up in my house!
Daughter already does her own laundry. The issue with her is the clean stuff takes up every laundry basket leaving none for anyone else to use. She just can't get around to putting it away. I suppose I should be dumping it on her bed.
Son doesn't do his laundry. I have to hound him to collect it off of his floor and bring it down for me to do. And if I didn't? He would just wear dirty clothes. Absolutely doesn't matter to him. If he is not in school several days in a row, we have to demand that he shower because he starts to smell. Doesn't care about that either.
I don't think that a strike would work. If I don't cook - they don't care. They complain about whatever I make for dinner anyway. They don't care if their towels smell like mildew or if they are stepping on cereal scattered all over the kitchen floor (that neither my husband nor I scattered). They don't care that the family room is so trashed with dirty dishes and empty food/drink containers that neither my husband nor I spend any time in there - ever. They don't care if they eat dinner on a table covered with dried up milk and crumbs from breakfast or the days mail. They just.....don't care. And truthfully, children learn what they live and my husband has traditionally done very little. He doesn't care if our bed hasn't been changed for a month or that the dust on the coffee table in the living room is a half inch thick either. He can't put groceries away because he "doesn't know where they go." I, on the other hand, prefer to live in a clean and tidy house. Hence my unbridled joy when they left every June to spend the entire summer up north.
I have been thinking about their declaration that they would do more around the house if they got paid for it. I hate the thought of paying them for doing their part as a responsible member of the family. Nobody pays me (in fact, quite the opposite. I do nearly everything and still get a ration of s$#% from my kids). So, I guess we are going to talk about that declaration and the fact that the street runs both ways.
We live within walking distance to the high school (1 mile away). I take them to school every morning. If I have to pay you to clean, you have to pay me for a ride to school. Otherwise, you can walk.
Son likes specific brand of shampoo and body wash. I buy whatever is on sale for shampoo and the bar soap my husband and I prefer. You want your brand? You can pay for it.
Daughter will use any shampoo/conditioner I buy but things sharing a bar of soap with someone else is gross. You want body wash? You can pay for it.
Daughter has an issue with acne and has a very rigid skin care routine (which includes prescriptions from the dermatologist). She takes them out to use them but rarely if ever puts them back. You gonna leave them all over the bathroom counter in the bathroom four people share? If I put them away, I'll deduct monies from what you are paid to clean. Or, I take them and hold them for ransom. You want them back? You pay for it.
Son needs ride to band rehearsal because it is too far to walk. You can pay me the IRS reimbursement rate to drive you.
Daughter wants to be driven to this party, that friend's house to hang out? You can pay me the IRS reimbursement rate to drive you.
Son lives on Lean Cuisine because nothing I cook is "acceptable." You rive me the money and I'll continue buying them.
Daughter uses Splenda like it was free. The label states a serving is X. We figure out how much she should be using for her cup of tea (it's probably a 16 ounce mug - she currently uses 4 tablespoons because she likes it really sweet) and how long a container should last. You want to use more? You can pay for it.
I should be writing all of these down. I may be onto something!
Post edited by: WornOut2, at: 05/22/2012 08:07 AM
05/22/2012 08:17 AM
Posts: 4020 Group Leader
I agree Married, my boys have been changing their beds, doing laundry, cleaning their rooms, their bathroom, and doing dishes from a very young age. I feel it is important for them to learn to take care of themselves, surroundings, and belongings. They feel accomplished on Saturday mornings, when they get their things done and then we go do something as a family or they go to the skating rink. At first they couldn't understand why they had to do these things and none of their friends did, but now that they are older they say they get it. I had to take care of my surroundings and things growing up, I figured it helped me to be independent, so it should help them. Now it has become such routine, I barely have to remind them and they are 12 & 14. It was so cute because the first time I showed them how to change their bed, they wanted to do it by themselves and it was so cockeyed and they were so proud, I had to applaud them. Then while they were napping on the couch, I would go fix it, but eventually, I didn't have to re-do things.
05/22/2012 08:45 AM
Posts: 3753 Group Leader
wornout: Now you're thinking! You go, girl!
Warning: it will take time and effort to help them change their way of thinking and they will fight you tooth and toenail. But I promise you that in the end it will all be worth it. I think over the years when mine were growing up I told them a thousand times to a great deal of eye rolling: "actions have consequences. If you don't like the consequences, don't do the action." I also said to them frequently: "You can thank me later" when they were angry they had to help around the house. And guess what: now that they are on their own they do often thank me.
hopeful: love the story of your boys learning to make their beds! so cute! I'm sure that applauding the effort made a huge difference in their attitude.
05/22/2012 09:15 AM
Posts: 4020 Group Leader
I like your attitude, I think that it is a great plan and sooo true. I think it will make you feel so much better too that you are putting your foot down. We can't help but become a little resentful when we do, do and do, give, give, and give without some sort of reciprocation. You go girl!!!!!!!!
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