Hi, I've been seeing this site for the past couple of months as I've been dealing with my husband's most recent manic episode. I first posted in the bipolar group, and someone mentioned this group to me as well. I thought of posting in the other spouse group, but there seemed to be so much anger there and I'm not angry, just sad and hurting and worried about my life and my husband.
He and I have been best friends for 12 years, since we were 14, dating since we were seniors in high school, and married for the past 5 years. He started having what I now know were hypomanic episodes about a year and a half ago. His behavior would change suddenly, he'd become angry and distant, and start talking about wanting a divorce and making plans to separate and leave. He'd stop going to church and refuse to even discuss religion and faith which is so important to him normally. He would shut out anyone who might hold him accountable for his behavior and would only interact with negative and toxic people from high school.
We'd go back and forth arguing because I was so confused about where these feelings were coming from out of the blue, and then after about two weeks he'd all of a sudden snap out of it and be so remorseful and confused about why he felt how he did and want to go back to couple's therapy and church to try and work on things. I'd say this happened 5 or 6 times before this most recent episode that I think has to classify as manic.
There's always some stressor before the signs start that he's going to end up in an episode, and this time was the biggest stressor of his life probably and this is the worst episode he's had to date. In a matter of two weeks he went from his typical loving self into the pre-episode state for about a week and then into a state where I could visibly see him getting worse day by day. Then all of a sudden he woke up one morning said he was going to the movies, and in a matter of 5 minutes said he was moving out. He came home at 6pm that night, packed up half his things, took the car and left. He switched his bank accounts and left me with no transportation or money. He was angry, hostile, and nasty like always and I became the worst person ever rather than the best friend of so many years.
I'm in graduate school, getting my doctorate in clinical psychology so I knew about bipolar disorder, but for some reason I had missed it when reading about it for classes and missed how it fit our situation. I wish I had seen it sooner, and been able to talk to him about it. He always wants to work on things and get all the help he can when he's not in an episode we just had no idea what the problem was so the help we were getting wasn't enough. It's so hard to see things like this. His life is falling apart and he can't see it. He's in a "new relationship" with his toxic ex-girlfriend from freshman year in high school who he hates normally and who was part of the stress that triggered things this time. He hasn't paid a single bill, he hasn't provided me with any of the support he promised when he left and several times since. His thinking is disordered and so irrational, but he's still functioning and I'm the only person in his life that sees the changes in him and understands what's going on. The people he surrounds himself with now only know him in this state so to them this is who he is.
I found out I was pregnant just a few weeks after he moved out. It's been 3 months now since the day he left. He goes to the doctor's appointments, but everything about him is different and nasty and aloof. I decided to minimize interacting wit him a few weeks ago because the more kindness and forgiveness I showed him the worse he got, but it's so painful to live through this silence every day. I know to some people it's a relief to be away from the hostility, but in so many ways it breaks my heart even more to go 3 weeks and hear nothing from someone that I've talked to every day of my life for the past 12 years.
I have so much evidence of the depth of his love, commitment, and faith and the strength of our relationship and friendship when he's not in this state. We've been planning for our kids for years too. The episodes are painful for me, but I also see how much pain he's in right before, during, and right after an episode. And, I see how hard he works in therapy and in life to try to get better and repair the damage he's caused. The waiting is the hardest part, because I have no idea how long this episode will last--it's already exceeded every other one by so much.
I know from everything I've studied and all the things I read online that it has to end at some point. But it's hard not to doubt my convictions and not to wonder if maybe I've just been lying to myself about our lives between episodes, but then I look at the letters he wrote me, or I see a picture of us together, or think about how he comforted me when when I was struggling to adjust to graduate school, or see the program from the amazing trip he surprised me with just last November, etc. etc. etc. the list is endless...and I know that I'm not mistaking things and that this disorder has stolen my best friend and the love of my life.
And I pray constantly that he'll come out soon and can get the help he needs to get better, for his sake and my sake but also for our child's sake because he/she is going to miss out on a truly wonderful father if my husband doesn't get well.
I'm sorry this is so long, I guess I had more to say than I realized. I'm just really hoping that someone can understand where I'm coming from because right now my aunt who is a psychiatrist is the only person in my support system/family who knows and understands bipolar disorder and also knows and understands that my husband is a good man who loves me deeply. And even she has to remind herself of that pretty often. So I'm feeling pretty alone all around.
Even Kay Redfield Jamison (a professor of psychiatry who wrote the memoir "An Unquiet Mind" about her experiences suffering from bipolar disorder) did not recognize the signs and symptoms in herself!
