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05/09/2012 08:56 PM

Bracing myself

updownaround
Posts: 145
Member

Its coming. Transitions are triggers for him. My stress is a trigger. Family stress is a trigger. Work is a trigger. Our wild preschooler is a trigger. All is happening all at once. I was heading up to put our son to bed and got the "everything is wrong" story. The "I want to talk about it...but later" story. The "things have been bad for a long time" line. It's coming.

I had a meltdown yesterday due to my own stress. It happened after work, and I never should have told him about it. Though yes I should. He's supposed to be my supporter too. He's supposed to be there for me, too! Yet my struggles only lead to him deciding everything is awful.

I had class Monday night and got home late. Then yesterday was a long day at work and I had to work more when I got home. Today he took our son somewhere and got home late-ish but I suppose that's my fault I wasn't around, too. Just because.

Friday nights he is often grumpy. I finish a long week and want to snuggle up with him and watch a movie or just be close, and he's pissed off because I wasn't around during the week. He does not seem to get the concept of quality vs. quantity. And he works 25 hours a week. I do that in a couple of days!!!

I got a phone call from my mom this evening.. She was hysterical and sobbing because she has to put her dog to sleep. I can't even tell him because then hell get mad at my mom for making me sad. That is a crazy relationship anyway. He loves her, then he hates her. Sometimes in the same hour.

The closer we get to a transition (we are 2 weeks away from a break in the action), the worse it gets. But then he wonders why I put up a protective shell around myself.

There is too much stress in my life right now. I minimize it for my son, but I should not have to hold it in so as not to upset my husband. That makes for a lopsided relationship.

And no, he still hasn't called any therapists.

Sad

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05/09/2012 09:04 PM
Kitkat777
Kitkat777  
Posts: 1021
Senior Member

It sounds like an exhausting schedule lately. Can you tell your husband you'll talk tomorrow? Not tonight when you're both tired etc?

05/09/2012 09:15 PM
updownaround
Posts: 145
Member

I did just that. Now I can't stop crying. I'm so tired. I'm so stressed out. Mholidays atre usually bad, and here comes mothers day. Sad. I don't even know how to support my mom right now. Her dog did something horrible and has to be put down. Too much drama.

I'm supposed to go to my last therapy session tomorrow. Problem is, that keeps me away from home more hours and adds fuel to the fire. I'm telling him that I am getting help for myself. That I need to get help so I can be a better wife, mom, and friend. That getting help and attending therapy is so important. Biting my lip so I don't scream that he should do it too!!!

Too much. Too much. You guys, I don't want my marriage to end. I feel crushed at the very thought! I still have hope. Most days.


05/09/2012 09:19 PM
marriedtoit
marriedtoit  
Posts: 11209
Group Leader

Updown, sometimes to save the relationship you have to take radical action. I wonder if that is what you need now?

05/09/2012 09:29 PM
wifeonbpexpress
wifeonbpexpress  
Posts: 4891
VIP Member

Find a way to de-stress. Put some things on hold for now. Even if that means your husband's demands. Your therapy session should be a time of renewal and release, not guilt-ridden. I would say skip Mother's day. Maybe stop by with a card for your mom and then do something nice for yourself. It gets too overwhelming and then YOU are the one who's sick! Take care of YOU!!!

05/09/2012 09:44 PM
Kitkat777
Kitkat777  
Posts: 1021
Senior Member

Definitely go to your therapy. And try to rest tonight. Rest is sooo important.

I hesitate sharing some of my coping skills sometimes because they sound so basic and maybe silly.

But maybe try some melatonin and a calming herbal tea before going to to sleep? Can you light a candle? Also some basic deep breathing. These really really help me. I never used to do things like this.

( I don't have a pre schooler so it's easier for me to get the time in the evening)

Also try to keep the room really dark when you sleep.

I hear you saying how stressed you feel. Try and be nurturing to yourself.


05/10/2012 05:36 AM
updownaround
Posts: 145
Member

I used to be so good with my own coping skills. I did yoga regularly, got enough exercise, did guided imagery... Now I just work. In the next school year, I will be setting more clear boundaries for what I can accomplish and when. I have just over 2 weeks left. I'm feeling the pressure (we are testing non stop, and our jobs depend on good numbers), and tomorrow is the last day of that, thankfully.

Kitkat, those are all great ideas. Everything helps.

I'm going to therapy. I'm spending mothers day being a mom. I'm going to find a way to be there for my mom right now, and I'm going to tell my husband to hold off on the end of the world talk. Our little one has been sick lately. Illness is another trigger. We are trying to figure out what is up, but my husband goes in to freak out mode with unknowns.

Thanks for listening. I'm so tired today. It is going to be one long day....,

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