Ok, I have been wanting to write my wife a letter to tell her what I think. But we all know that nothing I would write would sink in with her right now. It would not matter of it was a loving letter or an angry letter. So I thought maybe I would write a letter for when she some day becomes stable again. A letter I could send to her doctor and ask to only be given to my wife when she has become medicated and stable. I don't know if the doctor would even do it, but I figured what the heck. I have sent enough other letters and notes into the blackhole that is the doctor's office. I am still doing the video diaries. They might also never get seen, but they help me.
I figured I would pass it by yall and see what yall thought. It may just be another stupid idea. But I feel I have to do something.
May 5, 2012
If you are reading this, it means your doctor has decided that you are stable and working on your stability. If that is so, then I want you to know that I am very happy about that, and proud that you have taken those steps.
I don't know how long it will be before you get to this point. Or where I will be when you do. But I want you to know that I love you. I know if you decide to, you can be healthy for yourself and for the girls. It will be hard, and there will be rough times. But you can do it if you put your mind to it.
See your doctor as much as she will let you. Seek out others to talk to as well. During this time I have found a lot of help online with MDJUNCTION.com . They have several forums dealing with Bipolar. Forums for people with bipolar and forums for families of people with bipolar. I would suggest you join at least one of the forums that include the families as well. It helps to give an all around view. I don't know how I would have made it through this without those people to help me. I hear NAMI is also a good resource. They have a local support group in your area.
One thing I have also learned is that a person while manic tries to hurt their loved ones the most. The people I have spoken to that suffer bipolar said that is due to a couple of things. The loved ones are the people that will try and stop them from seeking the impulsive things they are doing while manic, and because they feel a deep shame for what they are doing and don't feel that they can be loved. They also say that a person who was manic usually feels a deep shame when they come down from the manic state, and that is one of the reasons the person goes into a deep depression. They cannot face those that they feel they hurt.
I want you to know that you can work through that. You can make it. If you show your girls that you care about them, you can heal any damage that was done. But that goes back to working on your stability. That has to be your number one priority. As that pertains to me. I don't know how long it has been by the time you get to read this letter. It could be weeks, months or years.
At the time of this letter, I still think of the pre-manic you as the love of my life and my best friend. The reason I hurt so bad right now is because I do care about you. If I did not love you so much, it would have been easy to walk away. But because I did love you, and knew the real you would be horrified at what you are doing right now, it was hurting me very deeply. No matter where I am in my life, how far I have moved on, I would help you in any way I can. There may not be a chance at a romantic relationship, but I can still offer you a friendship. The friendship of a person who wants to help you and see you succeed. The only requirement is that you are seeking your own stability. That you are not deciding to give up and let the bipolar blow you and your girls in the wind for the rest of your life.
Don't let something stupid like shame prevent you from reaching out. At the time of this letter, I have blocked you on my phone due to the manipulative and hurtful things you were saying. But you can reach me using either Emily's phone, or some other phone. I can also be reached through email. I will always have the XXXXXXX@XXXXX.com address. No matter where I go.
I want you to know that even in the dark days of this letter; there are people that are pulling for you. People have reached out to me that were close to you at one point. They know this is not the real you. They worry about you and love you as well.
Well. I am going to end this letter now. I don't know if you will ever even get to read it. But if you do. Take care of yourself. You are a special woman, a caring woman, and an amazing woman.
I will love you always,
Post edited by: Silverlock, at: 05/05/2012 01:04 PM
Post edited by: Silverlock, at: 05/05/2012 01:05 PM
Silverlock, I am a firm believer in writing letters, even if you never send them. I think it can be extremely therapeutic to get it out on paper. Say whatever you need. I'm not sure if the doctor would do it, but it's still worth a try.
I wonder what the real chances are of the doctor holding it and giving it to her when she is stable. Or throwing it in the garbage.
It is funny, but off topic. Beyond the whole 180 degree change on who she loves and hates, my wife is changing everything else about herself. Her brother told me that she and the boyfriend were talking about buying seasons tickets to the braves with the last of the credit card limit. Her boyfriend works in a sports bar, and that is where she spends all her free time now. She has been going to baseball games with him, including minor league games.
Now, I have been to a couple of minor league games, In Michigan when I was there, it was the thing to do. But do you know how many times my wife mentioned baseball in our three and a half years together? Zero. The only sport she mentioned and wanted to see was Hockey. And even that was not often. She was not into sports very much. It is strange to see how she has changed everything about herself for this guy. I started to wonder if she did the same thing with me. absorbing my likes as her likes. Thing is, I don't think so, because it was her picture at the same convention I go to every year that got us talking in the first place on Facebook, when her daughter accidentally messaged me instead of my friend that she used to date.
Isn't that a codependent thing? Assuming the likes and dislikes of the person you are with? Is that standard with Bipolar mania as well? It is just strange. We were looking forward to the Avengers coming out, Game of thrones starting a new season, and the Renaissance festival coming to town. She was painting an Ork army for a game we played. But she does not seem to care about any of that anymore. Now she wants to be in a sports bar, and go to baseball games. That is not the woman I knew at all.
Post edited by: Silverlock, at: 05/05/2012 07:03 PM
Mine went from being a loving wife who helped me out at work to a cross between the devil, judge judy and oprah...she rewrote history to believe that she was always the boss and I always worked for her. I guess twelve years can be changed in a snap of the fingers if you are manic
05/05/2012 09:52 PM
Posts: 11098 Group Leader
That is very interesting that she is suddenly a baseball fan. When manic, bipolar people can be very malleable and susceptible of suggestion. My husband adopted a new "look" when manic. It really embarrassed me and his son, and we tried to tell him. He would hear none of it.
05/06/2012 12:11 AM
Posts: 145 Member
Yes, my husband also picks up new things when he is manic and acts as if he's always liked them. The power of suggestion is very strong for him. He'll also buy strange things during those phases. A few years ago he bought a jacket he would have worn in his 20s when he was going to ska concerts all the time. Problem is, he's older now, and has, well, "filled out". The jacket, which is short, looked so silly on him! He even put pins all over it (those round ones we used to have on our jeans jackets in the 80s) and wanted me to sew patches on it. When I didn't, he asked a friend of ours to do the sewing. It didn't help to laugh. He just needed to feel like he wasn't getting old, I guess. After he came back down, the jacket kind of moved farther back in the closet. I'll never know if he realized it was silly, or if he just didn't want to wear it because it was too small.
05/09/2012 01:29 PM
Posts: 3170 VIP Member
Well, I had decided not to send the letter, as I figured the doctor would probably not hold it.
BOY WAS I RIGHT!
When I got home today, guess what I found in my mail box? The original letter I sent to the doctor and the DVD that was with it. It was in a new envelope, and nothing else. They did not even bother to keep it in the the file, or throw it away. That is just so odd. I know they cannot talk with me, but the fact they just returned it. I thought I had laid out some very good information. But I guess they have decided their bipolar patient that has gone off her meds must be the one that is healthy.
Post edited by: Silverlock, at: 05/09/2012 01:33 PM
05/09/2012 03:10 PM
Posts: 4281 Group Leader
No, I think they probably DO see that you love her and are trying to get her help, but I don't think my husband's pdoc would have given him that stuff, either. He would probably view it as "too late" and be concerned that it might cause my husband a lapse back into an episode. Stress and emotions can cause problems and a pdoc would probably only want to be responsible for whatever he said to his patient. You should give the letter to her brother. Because if she stablizes, she will be speaking to him again possibly or he could send it to her at the point he finds out she is better. SUGGESTION...why yes! They are open to suggestions by nearly anyone they are involved with during a mania. My husband has always taken responsibility for everything he did while manic, even the cybersex/telephone sex stuff with his old ex girlfriend from the disco days.... Anyway, when she threw him under the bus, my husband came to me and said he didn't know "why" he had done the things he did....his memory was skewed, but he said she started the sexual talk. I told her he said that and she never denied it. I think my husband was acting out, sexually, but she was fanning the flame. Another reason I know she was suggesting things was that she told me she wrote him a "helluva love letter" after he had told her he wasn't going to continue with her, and he didn't respond. Yet, she continued to harrass him and try to guilt trip him for several months later. Suggestion is huge. When he was messed up, he was all up in the mess. When he was no longer in full mania, he was backpedaling...fast.
05/09/2012 03:50 PM
Posts: 3170 VIP Member
The letter they sent back was not the letter for my wife. I had decided not to send that one. This is the letter I sent back in Mid April laying out what has happened, her behavior, and what I thought triggered it. It was never meant to be given to my wife, it was for the Doctor's eyes only.
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