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04/30/2012 03:49 AM

no response again. New to this advice please

mskimbo
 
Posts: 11
New Member

Hi I feel like a novice to all this reading through what everyone has been through my heart goes out to you all... I have been dating bipolarII rapid cycler Man for nearly four months at present he is ignoreing me completely for three days now but its been building up for the last week messages have been getting less and less, I have not seen him in nearly two weeks now he has been txting telling me he was tired and had too much on his mind and was struggling that his head is fuzzy... I assume this is depression as he has told me he does not really have manic episodes and at worst if he does it just means he does not sleep.. He has done this once before for two days.. I get the random txt but not really saying anything of substance.. He is going to see his phsychiatrist tomorrow.. That was the last message he sent me that was on saturday and nothing since.. My question is do I carry on with sending him messages or leave it am I makeing it worse if I send messages to him, The last message I sent I did explain that this was not healthy for either of us and that it could not continue.. He is very intelligent and will know what I mean, I am pretty sure.. Any advice would be good at this stage. Thanks xx
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04/30/2012 07:37 AM
lollipop
lollipop  
Posts: 4281
Group Leader

If your boyfriend is in a depressive episode, he may not be ABLE to do anymore or communicate any better than he is doing right now. My husband has horrible depressions at times (although he is medicated at a level right now where he doesn't fall into that much anymore...amazing really) where he isn't even able to hardly speak at all. His mind is self-condemning at that time and anything I say to him immediately sends him into the "guilt mode". He turns all of his negative feelings inward on himself and doesn't think he is "worth the trouble" for me. He has to sleep ALOT, sometimes he self-medicates with television watching, where I'm not even sure if he is absorbing what he is watching...he just becomes nonverbal and stares at it. The longest I think was like 30 something hours in a weekend. I use to quiz him and try to figure out what was going on. I would be impatient and think he was deliberately ignoring me and that he was a jerk or else just inconsiderate. I would think he didn't care much for me. My husband just doesn't talk very much when he's depressed. He says he can't think of what to say at that time. He can't logic very well and when I talk to him, it increases the stress in him because he WANTS to reassure me that everything is okay, but it physically makes him begin to blink uncontrollably, feel fuzzy headed, and he cannot even hold his eyes open. I'm not trying to make excuses for your boyfriend, I just want you to know that the kind of depression that comes over a person with bipolar isn't like anything we've (nonbipolar) have experienced. Many times it doesn't have to do with anything "situational" so there is no hope of it "fixing itself" until the chemicals have been properly balanced in their head and they stablize again. If your boyfriend is super depressed right now, he doesn't need to be thinking about how hurt you are or have the additional fear of you two breaking up right now. If he was being hostile toward you or saying rude things to you, I would be giving you different advice right now, but it sounds like he is just messed up (brain chemical wise) right now. Being with a person who suffers with bipolar disorder ISN'T going to be easy and this would be a good time for you to think about whether you want to have to go up and down with him at times while he struggles for his stability. Think of it in terms of him suffering a serious head injury that you can see on the "outside" of his head. It would be more easily understood as to why he can't express, think, or respond appropriately to outside stimuli, in that case. But we can't see what is going on in their brain, we just have to fly by our instrument panel when they go into an episode. The best thing I personally think you could text him is something along the lines of encouraging him to go see his pdoc (psychiatrist) and try to get something to help him work through this difficult time he is experiencing right now. Maybe let him know how important he is to you and ask him if he has any type of medication he can take to help calm his brain right now and assist with chemical changes that are going on right now. Mainly, just realize he may not even be checking his texts regularly too, at this time. Depression is hard on them. Mania is hard on everyone else.

04/30/2012 08:18 AM
WornOut2
WornOut2  
Posts: 1817
Senior Member

That was great advice, Lolli! And a good "reminder" for those of us with an SO who runs more on the depressive side.

"Depression is hard on them. Mania is hard on everyone else." Absolutely brilliant in its simplicity.


04/30/2012 08:29 AM
lollipop
lollipop  
Posts: 4281
Group Leader

Gracias!

04/30/2012 09:03 AM
mskimbo
 
Posts: 11
New Member

Thank you so much for your advice and help.. I have been reading up on bipolar since he told me which was pretty early on I suppose this is the first time other than a couple of days that I have experienced with him.. I do understand thats its not personally aimed at me, which I am fine with I just guess because it has not been an issue before now it came as quite a shock the complete shut down in communication. He was very caring and tender before this last week, I dont want to add to his stress so I am keeping my txt to him short and to the point that I am here to talk and that I love him.. (Which I know that I do) but so far he has not responded, there are a couple of other questions I have that you may be able to shed some light on... He does not actually speak to me on phone this seems a little odd to me but we seem to txt all day long.. When he is stable..Also I have never been to his house if I ask why he says its because its untidy and he would be embarrased for me to see it this way.. I dont know if this makes any sense to you. I know he is going to see his phsychiatrist tomorrow so I assume he knows that he is struggling as I dont think he has been previously since we have been seeing each other.. Obviously I have lots to learn and think about, and that when he is able too lots to talk about with him as he is quite open with me normally I feel that I should give this the chance, I am not the type to just dump and run and he begged me the other day not to leave him I think he knew what was coming but didn't get the chance to discuss it before it took hold. Once again thank you for your brilliant advice I really do appreciate it xx

04/30/2012 10:51 AM
lollipop
lollipop  
Posts: 4281
Group Leader

I don't know why he doesn't want you to come to his place to visit. That would be a flag for me with any man, bipolar or not. You might need to check that out a little bit. How old is he? Has he ever been married or does he have any kiddos? How about you? You don't have to answer any of these questions, I just like to get to know folks on here!!! But, as far as the not talking on the phone. My husband never likes to talk on the phone. He uses it basically as a tool for sharing needed information when he is stable and doesn't even like to answer it when he's depressive and unstable (unless he's manic....Laughing....then he LOVES to talk to anyone and is sometimes waaaaaaay too social...Blink)

04/30/2012 12:55 PM
mskimbo
 
Posts: 11
New Member

Hi, he is forty the same as me .. Has two children split with their mum 3 years ago and had one relationship with a drunk so he says.. The house thing ,I have no reason not to believe but do find it odd, might become a bit of a problem as I will see it as he has something to hide before too long its just not sitting right with me to be honest, but will see.. I did ask him about it a couple of weeks back and asked if I was missing something as to why you never invite me to yours.... and he told me I was paranoid! I have two girls myself..

I love that bit about way too social lol apparently I have yet to experience that side to my bf which according to him occasionally slips out haha have to say that think this site is great and very nice people on it am glad I found it.


04/30/2012 01:07 PM
marriedtoit
marriedtoit  
Posts: 11197
Group Leader

mskimbo, the not letting you come to his house bothers me too--(RED FLAGS with that one!!!)--but it might not be the case that he is hiding another woman. He might be hiding hoarding behavior, which can co-occur with certain mental illnesses.

At a certain point, I would question his truthfulness if he doesn't allow you to come to his house.


04/30/2012 02:22 PM
mskimbo
 
Posts: 11
New Member

Thank you marriedtoit ... I am very wary of this too.. I wasnot aware the hoarding thing either so thank you for that... I must admit the first thing that I thought was the other woman but I think that is my insecurities from previous partners... And I although he is aware I have been cheated on before he says that he has been cheated on too.. We did have a very in depth discussion about cheating as I was concerned that I may be the other woman as I know that some bipolar can be very sexually active in manic phase.. But he assures me that he is the faithful type and he can control his manic cycle its his depression thats worse... I only see him when he is stable, although it would not bother me seeing him however he is as this may help me it is very early and I would never ask that of him... I wouldn't want him to feel uncomfy around me.. It is very indepth illness with lots of different twists and aspects isnt it! But I am a very patient and careing cancerian.. But not too soft Smile ... It does make you wonder when you will get them back again... Still onwards and upwards I trudge Smile thank you so much

04/30/2012 05:13 PM
Silverlock
Silverlock  
Posts: 3194
VIP Member

I don't know of anybody that can control their manic phase. Be careful on that. I don't think all go as crazy as I have experienced, but never relax and just accept "Oh, the manic is good, I am in control".

My wife seemed to think manic made her productive and she hated cheating. When she went manic, that did not stop her from picking up a guy at the bar.

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