Last night as soon as I got home, I went into his man cave. We both came out about 1/2 hour later to get dinner on the table. AS soon as dinner was over, he escaped to the cave. I never returned.
About a half hour later, he came upstairs and literally stood in the door way for at least 5 minutes watching me clean the bathroom. He asked if there was something he could do. I told him cleaning a bathroom is a one person job. When I looked up again, he was gone. I assumed that he had gone back to the cave. He didn't. I found him lying on our bed. "Are you going to spend some time with me?" "No, I need to wash the floor now and hang up new towels" He asked if he could throw the towels in the washer and start a load of laundry (WHY does he need direction/permission to pitch in?????? ), so he did that and I didn't see him for a bit - I assume he went to the man cave. After I finished the bathroom, I went into my office to complete some paperwork the kids needed for school and do some filing. At one point, I looked up and he was just standing in the doorway watching me. Seriously, sometimes I honestly feel like I am being stalked!
"How long are you going to be?" I told him a few minutes and then I was going to take a shower.
Total time home tonight after work before going to bed: 4 1/2 hours
Total time home tonight spent in man cave: 30 minutes
Starting to make him very uncomfortable. I'm actually starting to enjoy it. Is that sadistic of me ?
And I have news for him. The weekend isn't going to be much better. Our daughter has her drivers permit and on Tuesday night I had planned on having her drive her brother to his piano lesson and drive while I ran another errand. HE FREAKED OUT and kept saying he wanted to come with me and would have a panic attack if she drove (she is, sadly, NOT a very good driver). So I caved. He told me to take her practice driving over the weekend, so guess what? I am going to take the better part of the day tomorrow and allow her to go wherever she wants to go (which will most likely be shopping and I absolutely despiseshopping) as long as she is driving. And if we are out driving, I won't be in the man cave much, now will I?
You go Wornout, I am so proud of you for showing him there is a REAL life outside of his mancave. I think you will find he won't be in there as much if you aren't, then he will have to deal with life in your household. Good for YOU!! No you are not sadistic, you are REAL!
Very smart move on your part!! Hope you can breathe a little easier now
04/21/2012 04:47 AM
Posts: 1819 Senior Member
Thank you all for your positive feedback. The "mommy" in me feels kind of mean - he has severe abandonment issues and I fear that this many fuel them, so I am trying to forceful yet gentle, if that makes any sense.
And Riding, the thread title was kind of an "aha" moment for me and I chuckled as well.
Day three was a repeat of Days 1&2, although since it was Friday I spent a little more time with him. Arrived home from work at 5 PM n left about 5 minutes later so my daughter could drive to dance. Spent 15 minutes with him and then left to pick up takeout for dinner. After dinner, spent two hours with him until I had to go pick up our daughter. Arrived home about 9 and didn't even bother to enter the cave to let him know I returned. He never wandered out until after 10. I said "Hi. I'm going to take my shower." We went up to bed around 10:30, where he discovered that he had taken his PM meds (Lithium, Abilify & Cogentin) before work.
So he had too much Lithium, Abilify & Cogentinin his system all day and is going to have NO Lithium, Abilify & Cogentin in his system for the majority of today. He is currently in the cave and doesn't even know that I am up yet. Things are always "off kilter" when he does that. I swear, I'm going to spray paint one weekly pill container yellow and one black. I HATE when he does that and it always takes him days to get himself straightened. I'm thinking of hiding out here until he wanders out and discovers that I am up.
And I am considering taking my daughter into Philly this afternoon for pointe shoes. Although during his freak out about her driving on Tuesday, he told me to "do it over the weekend" so I should spend the afternoon running errands with her driving.
PS Riding - I hear you about having him clean the bathroom. I recently discovered (we've known each other 37 years) that his "cleaning responsibilities" growing up consisted of taking out the garbage twice a week and keeping his room clean. Period. Answers the question why cleaning has always been predominantly my responsibility (& until the past couple of years, he always was in school or had a job on the side, so even though I worked full time I had more time in the evening and on weekends). Also answers the question why he is on a soapbox to get the kids to take over cleaning responsibilities. I thought it was so I would have more time to spend in the man cave (which if true was a bad supposition on his part - in actuality, I would seize the opportunity for more me time and reclaim my life) but I'm thinking it's because "all" he does is work full time now and he doesn't want to spend any non work time "working" at home cleaning.
Post edited by: WornOut2, at: 04/21/2012 04:51 AM
Post edited by: WornOut2, at: 04/21/2012 05:07 AM
04/21/2012 05:14 AM
Posts: 3201 VIP Member
The taking the wrong meds at the wrong time just kills me. My wife would always "forget" to take her meds, or forget if she took them or not. We went out and bought one of those weekly pill containers so she could keep better track, but she then "forgot" to refill it at the end of the week.
I have to take blood pressure medication, cholesterol medication and ulcer medication. do I forget? Never. It frustrates me to no end.
04/21/2012 05:21 AM
Posts: 4891 VIP Member
YES! YES! YES! Wornout! You rock! The world isn't crumbling is it? I mean, you aren't in the "cave" and pieces of the sky haven't fallen, right? He's OK. He is OK. You have things to do and he should be helping you. If you have to, give him a list of things he could do to help out so you don't have to give him permission verbally and feel like his mom once again. Do not feel like you are abandoning him. THIS IS LIFE. We all have things to do outside of the home and in the home. Sitting in a room with our husbands is kind of like bonus time. When is that going to be? Maybe he'll figure out that if he helps you out, there will be more "couple" time. And you will probably feel a lot more like hanging out with a PARTNER than another child.
This is a very good thing for you! I am so thrilled to hear that you are shaking things up a little!
04/21/2012 10:05 AM
Posts: 1819 Senior Member
Silverlock - the taking the wrong meds at the wrong time is not entirely his fault. His mind is often not very clear. And his AM 7 day pill vial is white/opaque while his PM 7 day pill vial is white/translucent. Or, at least they were. I took a bright blue sharpie and colored the top of the AM one. That should certainly solve the problem. And he HATES to mix them up (and always apologizes to me for some reason) because he is out of sorts for days afterrwards. At least it is the weekend. And I have total responsibility and control over his meds. I fill the vials and leave them on his night stand. He doesn't even know where I keep them (a precaution - past suicide attempt after he managed to squirrel away 400 xanax without my knowledge)
Wife - no the world isn't crumbling, however he is wandering around a little like a lost soul. I don't think he quite knows what to make of my absence from the man cave.
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