cm00, I think we all HAVE been telling you that moving on or letting her go, etc. would be the right choice at this time. I personally don't see any reason to wait around for her. She has done some pretty seriously horrible things to you and now she says PMSL? What is she? A sociopath?
Well yeah, i don't know if this is a bipolar mania attribute, but she has no compassion anymore for those who were closest to her, not even her own mother.
Her mum and I talk all the time, shes hurting both of us. Her mum doesn't believe for a single second that any rape took place, she simply knows what her daughter is like.
Shes good at remembering every mistake you ever made, and then using it against you. We met when were 16-17 years old, we both made mistakes, when she was 16 i caught her online chatting up some man, talking about sex, she was arranging to go and meet him, at age SIXTEEN! A year or so later i didn't know if i wanted to be with her, i had never been with another woman, and i got curious, and i tried it, not behind her back either, i said i wanted a break. It lasted no more than a week and i realised that the grass is not greener and i never did that again. It goes both ways, but she doesn't see it that way, she has actually cheated on me a few times, and yet she won't bring that up, she'll focus entirely on my mistake, that happend almost 10 years ago, and try to make me feel bad for it. If I catch her out lying, this will the first excuse she uses. There's no point in trying to argue back using the same logic against her either, about the mistakes she made, it will just make the situation worse.
She will happily make me feel guilt about anything that i ever did wrong, no matter how long ago, is that manipulation or something else?
It would be really great to know exactly what is wrong with her, it does seem like bipolar but i suppose it could be more than just that.
Breaking off with loved ones, an incapacity to accept the mix of good and problematic that comes with being human, calling other people on their sh*t but not owning her own sh*t.....you're describing my bp wife.
Now, you got together with her when you were 16? Could at least some of your commitment be rooted in a fear of the unknown life of a single? Could your commitment be clouded by the "idea" of your adolescent ideal? I'm saying this as a 40-something man who could still get excited about the girl he dated at 16, but I know that that's because of an idea I had about her, not her as an actual complicated human. You might want to do some serious examining of your feelings and doing what's good for you. You can get caught up in the drama of bipolar and it can take a lot to sort one's self out. Therapy is a good avenue.
Chillingly, the entire section under "The Techniques of a Sociopath " is like i am reading about the story of my ex in perfect detail. I'll quote some lines
"The pity play is next on the list of sociopathic techniques. It's okay to pity someone who has gone through difficult times, but if you find yourself feeling sorry for someone's sad story, make sure the story is true. The pity play should be a warning sign to all of us.
This is exactly what she does, and has done as long as i've known her, she tries to get people to feel pity for her, she doesn't care who she hurts or badmouths or what lies she tells in the process. She played the pity card on this family in belgium by making out that she was trying to get away from her evil rapist partner (me), she told them that i am trying to kill her. Not long after she gave me her address so i could send her some gifts, that says a lot about her thoughts that i was out to get her, just lies to further her agenda.
"Projection and gaslighting are also on the list of common sociopathic techniques. Sociopaths refuse to be held accountable for their behavior and often assign their own behavior to their victims."
Exactly what she has always done.
"According to Dr. Hare and Dr. Babiak, psychopaths are always on the lookout for individuals to scam or swindle. The psychopathic approach includes three phases: the assessment phase, the manipulation phase and the abandonment phase.
Once the psychopath has identified a victim, the manipulation phase begins. During the manipulation phase, a psychopath may create a persona or mask, specifically designed to 'work' for his or her target. A psychopath will lie to gain the trust of their victim. A psychopath's lack of empathy and guilt allows them to lie with ease - "they don't see the value of telling the truth unless it will help get them what they want". "
This is exactly what she did to get in with this guy in belgium, she told loads of lies to him, she quite literally made up a new persona. She told him that she's a hair and beauty specialist, and that she is a manager at her own salon and that she is highly successful, it's all lies. Hell, she told him she could speak 4 language and has a college education, she didn't even finish school and she can only speak english.
"According to the book the four messages that the psychopath communicates are 1) I like who you are; 2) I am just like you; 3) Your secrets are safe with me; and 4) I am the perfect friend or lover or partner for you. That is why psychopaths so often feel like soulmates in a relationship - they project your own persona back to you in their 'assumed' personality."
This is exactly what she did with me, "i'm just like you, you are perfect for me, i am perfect for you" she made me feel as though we are soulmates, exactly as described above. I've seen her play the "i'm just like you" card on just about every person she ever became friends with, of course i've seen all of her friendships fall apart not long after.
"The abandonment phase begins when the psychopath decides that their victim is no longer useful. They abandon their vicim and move on to someone else. In the case of romantic relationshps, a psychopath will usually seal a relationship with their next target before abandoning their current victim. Abandonment can happen quickly and can occur without the current victim knowing that the psychopath was looking for someone new. There will be no apologies for the hurt and pain they cause because psychopaths do not appreciate these emotions."
She was with me for a very long time, which is unusual for a psychopath, but possible when the psycopath is getting what they want from it. With me she had it easy, for years she didn't have to work, or pay for anything, but i couldn't afford to keep it up.
Exactly as described above, she abandoned me when i was no longer useful, she had sealed a new relationship secretly with somebody else before she even left me. The abandonment was sudden and i didn't see it coming until she was already gone. There were no apologies, she made me feel like it was all my fault and did some further nasty things to make me look like the bad person.
Shes fits the bill for a psychopath perfectly, but isn't mania very similar? Could it still be mania? She does have depressive cycles that fit in with bipolar and she was talking about having powers and being a white witch, and I have seen her be remorseful before, these are further symptoms of a bipolar person that you would not see in a psychopath. Add her family history of bipolar and it all points toward mania.
"The manic phase of the Bipolar I Disorder is often misdiagnosed as a Personality Disorder.
In the manic phase of Bipolar Disorder, patients exhibit many of the signs and symptoms of certain personality disorders, such as the Narcissistic, Borderline, Histrionic, or even Schizotypal Personality Disorders: they are hyperactive, self-centered, lack empathy, and are control freaks. The manic patient is euphoric, delusional, has grandiose fantasies, spins unrealistic schemes, and has frequent rage attacks (is irritable) if her or his wishes and plans are (inevitably) frustrated.
hythloday, to answer your question, she's my only real relationship, only person i ever loved.
Post edited by: cm00, at: 04/22/2012 02:33 PM
04/22/2012 02:20 PM
Posts: 3681 Group Leader
Regardless of whether she's a true sociopath or manic, she's still dangerous to be around. I applaud your decision to start moving onward, even thought this a tough decision to make. A therapist might be a good thing to help you sort through your feelings.
This ordeal has further reaching effects than just on me. Her mother is still around, the inheritance that my ex received should have gone to her mother, under most family circumstances it would have done. As previously mentioned, their family don't like each other, probably down the impact of mental illness. The nan left the inheritance all to my ex, her granddaughter instead of her own daughter. It was a whole house and around £7000, £7000 didn't last 5 minutes, and my ex was in debt (secretly at the time) she sold the house valued at £100,000 for just £70,000 and already has just under £50,000 left. Such a waste. My ex thinks she's gonna support herself by renting from now on when she couldn't even support herself when she was living in my house with no expenses.
Her mum lives all alone, she has nobody, it's quite sad really. My ex really turned on her mum for what she calls "joining my side" she can't see that she's in the wrong and that's why her mother is against what she is doing. To add insult to injury, my EX is wasting the entire inheritance, money that could have helped her mum a lot.
Post edited by: cm00, at: 04/22/2012 04:58 PM
04/22/2012 06:24 PM
Posts: 4891 VIP Member
No one can diagnose your ex here. She would have to see a pdoc for that. And really, you have no responsibility to her mom at all. Yes, it is very sad that your ex is doing all of this destructive stuff and involving her mom in the destruction, but it isn't anything you can help her with. Try to leave this situation behind you now. You are powerless to change her course, but you have all the power to change your own so you can't be hurt by her anymore.
04/23/2012 07:28 AM
Posts: 111 Member
Is stress linked to mania or bipolar at any stage? Seen now that she keeps complaining of stress, to everyone. I read that stress is a trigger, it can bring on both mania or depression, but she's already manic and has been for months, stress could bring upon the depression?
Maybe it's just the mania ending, mind all over the place.
Post edited by: cm00, at: 04/23/2012 10:10 AM
04/24/2012 03:26 AM
Posts: 111 Member
Anyone ever heard of a manic person just playing online games all day? mmorpgs, highly addictive to some.
Her new belgium guy is playing them all day too. He's supposed to be doing his exams at uni atm, he failed the last 2 years, she told her mother that. He just plays the game all day every day. I can confirm this because i know which game he plays and i can see him online actively playing all day every day. The guy she left me for may be at uni, but he's a bum!
What a mess. She claims that she's happy in belgium, and yet when her mother asked her what she likes so much about belgium, she paused, then said .... everything. Couldn't even come up with one thing.
She's just sat in the flat she's renting, all day playing online games, while making loads of online purchases with her credit card, no wonder she couldn't think of anything she liked.
Post edited by: cm00, at: 04/24/2012 03:29 AM
04/26/2012 03:52 PM
Posts: 111 Member
Looks like she's still very manic, that's if this is a mania symptom.
She spoke to her mum and the phone and was very cold and heartless. Her mum got angry with her and they fell out big time.
Now my EX has posted on her msn status "why am i so unlucky to get the bitch of a mum who likes to stab me in the back when she doesn't get her own way".
It's completely crazy to talk like that about your own mother isn't it. Talking like that is why she always unpopular with people.
Was drama yestaday too, her msn message was "i'm prone to dating men who like to break my heart, why did i decide to date a man again". She still seems to be with the new guy though it looks like something happend between them. Looks like she got her way with him though, doubt he's too happy about feeling manipulated.
Every day she changes her msn status message, sometimes multiple times a day, she's completely self obsessed, she thinks everybody is interested in knowing her business and she only cares about the people who came into the picture when she got the inherited money, the belgium guy and some internet friends. She feels nothing for me or her mother.
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