MDJunction - People Helping People
 
Ask a Question
04/18/2012 10:08 AM

Question for those who hurt their non BP spouse(page 2)

hemhide7
hemhide7  
Posts: 198
Member

Yes a huge thank you to Hooba and innerglow, your story gives me hope and has helped me go forward with love understanding willingness and forgiveness.
Reply

04/18/2012 11:14 AM
Silverlock
Silverlock  
Posts: 3229
VIP Member

Hooba, I have a follow up question. After the manic episode, was it like a fog? Did you have a full understanding of the time that passed? As an example, if you were manic for 6 months, did you have full memory from before the manic episode, but the manic episode was more like a dream? So you kind of "Woke up" to the things that had been done? Or did you experience it all just like your regular experiences and it felt like 6 months had passed?

04/18/2012 11:50 AM
innerglow
innerglow  
Posts: 1461
Group Leader

Silverlock - I want to answer from what I experienced with Hooba. I'm sure he will chime in to answer your questions more directly. This is just based on one of the times that he left us in 2010. He up and left... I didn't know until I saw him on facebook and asked him what was going on. He said "uk" (you know) and then he blocked me. So, after two weeks of not talking to him and I was really finally DONE in my mind. Hearing our girls cry when they smelled his shirt that they were sleeping in pushed me over the edge. The morning that I had an appointment to see a divorce lawyer I got a phone call from him. It was about 4 in the morning and all I heard was "I just need to hear a friendly voice". He started asking ME questions about where he was and how long had he been there. He was so confused. He said it felt like he just woke up from a nightmare and had no idea why he was not home with us. Since he was diagnosed in 2000, I pretty much had a handle on mania. I met him after I dropped the girls off at school and we sat in his truck at a parking lot for probably 3 hours. He was so thin and it didn't look like he had slept in days. I told him what he did and he just cried and told me how sorry he was. He couldn't believe what he had done. I call it "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" (our favorite movie). Unfortunately, I can remember every single detail. Hope that helps a little until he gets back to you.

04/18/2012 12:19 PM
Silverlock
Silverlock  
Posts: 3229
VIP Member

I am just trying to figure out the future in my situation. So, there is a possiblity that my wife could be in a manic state for months, then all of a sudden "wake up" and call me wondering why she is not wearing her wedding ring and sleeping next to a strange guy? That is so scary. I can be mad at the manic personality, but my wife confused and lost will break my heart.

04/18/2012 12:39 PM
lacs33
lacs33  
Posts: 81
Member

Hooba & innerglow....thank you for sharing. Your story sent a shiver up my spine. It gives me hope that if i can somehow get my wife to see a pdoc and maybe get her on the RIGHT medication there's still hope to save my marriage and get my family back! Thank You!!!!!

04/18/2012 12:47 PM
lollipop
lollipop  
Posts: 4281
Group Leader

When my husband had his worst mania, back in 2010, he never told me he didn't love me. He just treated me like he didn't love me. He was very accusatory about other things, like I was the reason he didn't have many friends, or that I was controlling, or that I was trying to just cause him trouble, or that I was jealous of everyone with a college degree. None of these things are true, but when he said all these things to me, I was so screwed up in the head trying to figure out what was going on with him, that I did become more controlling and demanding and feeling like I wasn't as good as other people because I didn't have an education, etc. It's crazy how that works, isn't it? You have to be "alert" at all times when your loved one is in mania. They will say all sorts of things to you and you have to sort of build an emotional shield to hold up and let those lies ping on instead of you. My husband will NEVER get on here and tell you all what he felt prior to his fullblown mania, or how he feels when hypomanic, or anything so I will share what he has told me. He said he had no warning AT ALL before everything happened. As he recalls, he didn't feel any hostility towards me and thought everything was great in our marriage before everything happened. Then he said everything was sort of like a brainfog to him and there would be times he would think what is going on? And then he would just find himself doing all sorts of things and saying things and he said he figures he "must have" known enough to be trying to cover things up, but now he can't recall what all he did or if he really knew things were wrong...CONFUSION ABOUT IT STILL.... He says that he has bits and pieces of remembrance of stuff that occured in his affliliation with the other woman. He says he knows they acted out inappropriately and he knows they said nasty stuff back and forth but he can't remember all the details of what was said. He didn't know he had said anything about me to her, until she sent the emails to me. I remember that night. He was sitting in a chair, leaning in, staring at the computer screen, crying his eyes out...not trying to push away or walk away from the computer screen, he was examining everything closely as if it was the first time he had ever read those things. In fact, in his case, I KNOW it really WAS the first time he saw those words, due to him being so "out to lunch" in his thinking while manic. He was so humiliated and embarrassed and he was sickened by all of it and literally had difficulty eating or not becoming physically ill each time he thought about it. He had limited memory of details and he kept wanting to remember everything, he told me. But it was like he would almost remember and then it would be fuzzy in his mind. One of his pdocs said it was depression induced amnesia or memory loss due to the pain it caused him. The other pdoc said my husband didn't remember, because he has the worst type of bipolar 1 and some catatonia and more than likely he was literally "no longer with us" at that time. Checked out. Elevator wasn't going to the top floor. Reality was no longer a reality. Smile The pdoc took great measures to explain how serious the brain can be affected during a manic or depressive episode, due to the chemical imbalance and changes in the brain at those times. My husband became emotionally distraught at the very moment he realized what he had done. It was like a water faucet being turned off. He was raving and laughing and masturbating on the phone and chatting it up and blowing money and lying and exaggerating and not eating but drinking loads of alcohol and being too busy to listen to me trying to constrain him....then BAM! He switched gears and started back pedaling. He was crying and snivelling and begging and trying to remember....and questioning just like Hooba did and continuing to try to cover over the crap he did just like a cat in a litter box. The other woman continued to email him for months afterward and that also kept him having to "think" about the garbage. He tried to keep her at bay but not angry at him because he was afraid she was going to contact me and tell me more stuff than I even already knew. Which she did later anyway. I knew she would. I warned him about it ahead of time. It caused even more trouble when I found out he had continued to try and cover over things. But I realize now that he was still manic for probably a total of 7 or so months. BAD MANIC FOR ABOUT 6 WEEKS. Started lower, escalated up, up, up...leveled off HIGH BAD....then he snapped all of a suddden and began the crying jags and confused thoughts babbling out, psychosis, begging, illogical stuff, sorry sorry sorry...I love you, don't leave me...I didn't mean it...I don't know what I'm thinking...I'm confused...I can't think...something broke in my head...I'm not a man....I don't know who I am...I'm a screw up, I'm a screw up, I'm a screw up (chanting to himself while in bed) sleeping hours and hours and hours....and then began the extreme descent, down, down, down.....to SUICIDAL DEPRESSION. The down down down took only 2 weeks. He was trying to still work, still trying to hide the dumb emails from the woman and keep everyone from getting hurt while he was tring to figure out what the heck he had done and what all he had said to who and when. Stuff trickled in on us for over a year. About the time things would be better, another receipt for something purchased or done or a call from someone else that my husband had talked to about dumb stuff while manic would come in. My poor husband did more stuff in a month and a half than I could believe. The sexual infidelity stuff only lasted about 2 weeks out of the mania, but it was very damaging, especially since she wouldn't get lost for months and months. That is the part that hurt me the most as you all know. But my husband says he felt no conscience, as best as he can remember while manic. But when he "flipped back", all he felt was guilt about all of it. He said something "broke in his head" and he still maintains that description. I just hope it never happens again, but his pdoc says it very well could and I need to be ready to take care of things if it does. He says in my husband's case, keeping him from entering full blown mania is our goal because if he reaches that point, there will be no stopping him until once again he starts down. My husband is very uncooperative when manic. Even hypomania is scary with him a little bit as he starts the accusatory behavior again even then. My husband maintains that he never "didn't love me".....depression hung on him and stability wasn't reached for nearly 1 1/2 years. It can be a long time. If you want to really know what your spouse with bipolar thinks about you....think about how things were right before all the crap broke out...that is the truth.

Post edited by: lollipop, at: 04/18/2012 12:53 PM


04/18/2012 02:11 PM
cm00
Posts: 111
Member

My partner, currently ex(yet to be diagnosed but her mother has bipolar) seemed to have mania build up over a period of time also, then it peaked around what i assume is a month or two into it and she was really out of control and got me arrested for something that she made up. She blocked all contact with me, said if i even tried to contact her she'd get me locked up for harrasment.

We had a 11 year relationship and she left me out of the blue, didn't even give me chance to say goodbye. She told me she loved me the day she left, that was the last time I actually saw her. Since then she told me that she doesn't love me and she hasn't loved me for a very long time. She said we don't love each other.

3 months have passed since then and she now appears to be warming to me, she has been gradually increasing contact with me for the past 4 weeks or so. She is running against the clock, she is living of money she inherited and it won't last forever, she is so hopeless with money and employment. She claims now that she's "totally independant" and "happier than ever" The reality is she's rapidly spending her inheritance and once it's gone she's really going to hit rock bottom.

I don't know the outcome of this story yet as it's still ongoing, i don't even know for sure that she is bipolar as she isn't diagnosed but all the signs are there, it's in her family and she has all the sypmptoms.

So is she likely to keep gradually getting her feelings back for me, or she at some point just going to "flip" and have all of the feelings come back at once. This has been going on for about 5 months now.

Post edited by: cm00, at: 04/18/2012 02:18 PM


04/18/2012 02:20 PM
lollipop
lollipop  
Posts: 4281
Group Leader

No one can really say which way that will be, but did her receiving the inheritance happen after someone she loved very much died? I mean how long before she received the money did they die? I wonder if any of that has to do with the stress that may have triggered this episode? I ask this, because my husband's manic episode was immediately after his uncle who he loved so much had died. My husband's parents were both already dead and he loved this guy. It was definitely one of the things that triggered it, along with a few others.

Post edited by: lollipop, at: 04/18/2012 02:22 PM


04/18/2012 02:47 PM
cm00
Posts: 111
Member

Not until about a year and a half after, but the stress didn't end there. She was in huge debt, unknown to me at the time. She was making no money from work, and lying to me that she was. Everything was falling apart for her but she kept it all to herself, she had weaved a terrible web of lies. She had also been talking to some guy on the internet who she entered a facebook relationship with secretly while she was still with me.

She doesn't like to look bad, or take the blame for things, that's why she lies so much. The day she left me she even lied about why she left, that she was going to travel the world. Her plans were revealed when I logged into her MSN account and learned the truth (she was on it also too) she did not like this one bit, that I was discovering her plans, she had told loads of lies to the new guy she was going to see, she may have been worried of me foiling her plans. 30 minutes later the police arrived at my house and i was arrested on accusation of rape. I couldn't believe it, she falsely accused me of raping her, that's how insane she became. This was all at the peak of her mania, definetly. The charges got dropped but not without me going through hell for a few months first.

When she left, she changed her name, her appearance, got a full back tattoo (her first tattoo ever) she moved to another country to be with this new guy, who it so turns out can't look after her so now she's having to pay all of her own living expenses. She wants to be somebody else. I think she blames me that things went so badly wrong for her, when in actual fact she brought it all upon herself, and she'll soon learn as her "new life" is falling apart, though she won't admit that, but everyone can see it.

All of her belongings are still at my house, she left everything behind. (she has lived with me for 11 years).

Post edited by: cm00, at: 04/18/2012 03:30 PM


04/18/2012 06:30 PM
Silverlock
Silverlock  
Posts: 3229
VIP Member

Today has been a hard day. I keep thinking of my wife as trapped in a nightmare. My friends keep telling me I am the one trapped in a nightmare and I need to move on.

I am glad that y'all have shared. I want to know what "might" happen in the future. Even if I don't "Wait", I might get a call in the future and it is good to know what to expect.

I am a bit of a geek, and I was watching a sci fi show the other day. The plot of the episode was that a couple were separated by an accident with a space craft. During launch there was an issue with the drive and the woman was caught on board. To her it seemed like the crisis lasted minutes. So when she returned, she did not think much had happened, but it turns out she was gone four years. The guy she was in love with and her kids had moved on thinking she was lost forever. The man had found a new love in his life. The woman was having to deal with her family and the man she loved moving on. I have not finished the episode, it got a little too much for me.

Reply

Share this discussion with your friends:
<< Start < Prev 2 Next > End >>


Disclaimer: The information provided in MDJunction is not a replacement for medical diagnosis, treatment, or professional medical advice.
In case of EMERGENCY call 911 or 1.800.273.TALK (8255) to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Read more.
Contact Us | About Us
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 MDJunction.com All Rights Reserved