Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

I am ashamed again that I got pulled into the rage. BP hubby began to bully my son, his stepson, because a window was open and it MIGHT RAIN! I walked away but hubby did not like the "way I walked away" He came where we where sitting and began to yell and demand the window be closed at all times. I made the mistake of trying to reason with him ...it was not raining, it is hot with the window closed, he is making life uncomfortable for us..etc.

Then I lost it when he started to say nasty things about my son. I have so much guilt that I allowed this man to say bad things in the past and here he was doing it again. All hell broke loose. I broke all the controls..I yelled back, I tried to reason, I threatened divorce. My daughter has not been in this house..and it is my house too, for a year! I cried so hard I began to vomit. I messed up again. My parents who live with me heard the argument and that will make it more dramatic as they do not let things go.

We are right back where we were before he began meds. Yes I know meds do not guarantee that there will be no bad behaviors. I just was not ready for this one, did not see it coming . I need to sleep to go to work tomorrow but I do not want to be near him in the bed. I k now if I sleep in a different room or on the floor it will cause more of his insane reactions. SO I am typing here to convince myself to go into the bed. I hate him again. I hate myself. I am beat. I apologize to those who are bipolar if I said anything to offend. My hubby is not just bipolar , He is mean bully with no compassion. He just wants me alone and wants me to give up my kids for him. I cannot. He has hurt them enough with out my intervention. They are grown kids but that does not mean that I should have allowed them to be exposed to him. My son has to live at home, he is trying hard to find a job as he wants out of here. I am typing too much now. I am ashamed of myself. I screwed up again.

Take a deep breath. Get some rest. Don't beat yourself up. We jump in to protect our kids. And it's hard not to get sucked in! I'm so sorry you are in the middle of this. Huge hugs.

Wifeinneed, you did NOT screw up. You SHOULD defend the child against the Bullying Adult!!! That is what you are supposed to do as a MOM.

Can I ask you some questions? Do you go to the psychiatry appointments with your husband? What meds is he on? Is he drinking or taking street drugs with his meds? Is he in therapy and trying to work on his anger and his ways of acting in the world?

It sounds like you are in a place where you are walking on eggshells, just trying NOT to set him off.

That is an AWFUL place to be in. Many of us have been there. You cannot live well in that place. Your children will WITHER AND DIE in that place.

I am such a hardliner when it comes to the way children are treated, that you might not like my suggestion. But I advise you to tell him to move out. Tell him that his family will welcome him back with open arms if he 1) lets you go to his pdoc appointments, 2) takes the meds as prescribed, 3) stops any drinking/street drugs, 4) starts getting therapy so he can learn his triggers and ways of coping, 5) has a healthy sleep routine (bipolar people need a regular routine and it needs to be in sync with the sun--they need to sleep at NIGHT when it is dark), 6) does whatever he needs to do to STOP being a bully to your son and to you. If that means anger management, so be it. If that means he daily takes an antipsychotic, so be it.

What I want you to understand the most is that YOU did not screw up. Yes, it is better not to rage back...but your husband has a diagnosis and meds...so he should MAN UP and take responsibility for his own stability! That means he calls the doctor if he is finding himself WANTING to rage. He should TAKE A WALK, TAKE A ZANAX, TAKE A HOT BATH, MEDITATE, EXERCISE.....or one of COUNTLESS other things (including leaving the house) before he EVER rages at you and your precious children.

Who screwed up??? HE DID!

I agree what your advice. He is not taking street drugs, not drinking.He is taking is meds. that is why it is so scary..He raged while doing what he is supposed to do. His face was horrible when he was yelling..almost demon like. Yes it is eggshells, I hate coming home to locked bedroom doors. I had to stop going to therapy with him as the therapist said he needed sessions alone. I have no idea what he talks about in those sessions but I think the "one sided" views are not good. I am getting so weak minded with this, over 10 years. He comes to my rescue, he is so nice at times. But that manic stage seemed worse this last time. I read a post about a manic phase hubby who threatened to burn the house down. And what the person wrote is just what I feel. I still love the person that was there before. But the person he is now seems to have no compassion, no soul. I must not forgive him again. When I get home he will be asleep and there will be no conversation..and this will pass again until the next manic cycle.My kids are older, not little ones. Only my son is with us, he is in his 30,s. He knows my hubby is sick. He was amazingly calm but I lost it. A window, the arguement was about a window opened on a sunny day.. Hubby wants to nail it closed. It is so bizarre.Yes HE SCREWED UP AGAIN.

Wifeinneed, you need to go the dr with him, insist upon it, the dr needs to hear how is behavior is effecting your household and everyone in it. They dont see nor tell the truth to their dr, you need to, please insist on it. In the meantime, lay low, dont be hard yourself. Tomorrow is another day and this too shall pass. Get some rest, dont engage with him, call his dr.

wifeinneed,I wholeheartedly agree with married! Every word! And the reason is: I was where you are about a year and a half ago. After 3 years of that abuse, I called 911 and he was arrested for dv. I made him leave the house and gave him my list of conditions for continuing the marriage. At first, he didn't like it, but when he realized he was losing his family, he complied. Since he decided to let me in to his pdoc appts., got on new meds, and started therapy by himself and with me, things have improved so much that it is a rare occasion that I'm reminded that he has bipolar. I was ready to let him go, which you need to be if you are going to do this. But it is SO worth it to have peace in your house.

It is up to HIM to be stable, not you.

It is HIS responsibility to take control of his rage, not yours.

It is HIS responsibility to allow you on his treatment team. You are living with him and you are involved, whether he likes it or not.

It is his responsibility to manage his bipolar, not yours. You are a support, not the main character in this.

He has to realize that his behavior is what is causing any actions you decide to take to make changes.

HIS BEHAVIOR IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!

Take action and save yourself, your kids and possibly him down the road. But if he fights this, he's on his own. No one should ever live the way you are. Take care, and keep us updated. Stop this insanity!!!

I agree wholeheartedly with what married, hopeful, and wife said. It is HIS responsibility to manage his disorder, to control his rage, to quit using you as an emotional punching bag. There is no shame in calling 911 if he gets threatening.

If he won't let you go to the dr. with him, fax a list of your concerns and what you are seeing. I doubt the dr. has a clear picture of what's happening with your husband.

Make sure that YOU get enough rest, eat right, spend some time doing things that you like to do. You deserve better. You need the peace. Your children need to know that you are ok.

Let us know how things go for you.

Post edited by: sallyo, at: 04/17/2012 07:30 AM