Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

I've just recently been thinking about some of the screwy thoughts of people, who don't have bipolar, who maybe haven't been involved in a relationship with someone who has bipolar....who are just FULL of negative opinions about the how, why, etc of episodes.

Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty kind of thinking. I know that is in the law and the way our legal system is supposed to work. But it is still a good thing to adopt when trying to be fair while looking at someone else's behavior.

Recently, I read on here about a counselor implying that a person who had bipolar "already thinking about getting a divorce" before their manic episode and that when they became manic....they were only acting on what they had been thinking. Hmmmmm, that MIGHT be true, but how in the world would anyone know that? And how presumptuous for a person to think that, counselor of not, just because a person is BIPOLAR. My husband will tell anyone that he WAS NOT premeditating selling our car for $150.00 or blowing our finances out of whack, or screwing vicariously by computer/phone, while our daughter and family was visiting with our 7 yr old grandaughter.

What about all the family members and friends who automatically ASSUME there was trouble in a marriage when someone who has bipolar, has an affair? Why do they point the finger many times at the non-bipolar person? Why don't they care enough to help us out? Why all the negativity? How about showing some loving kindness? We've heard of "fair weather friends"....there are also "fair weather families". Why do some family members not even want to be around us when they find out we've decided to TRY and save our marriages? Why do they automatically think we shouldn't love our spouses anymore when they mess up while in an episode? Why do they get "embarrassed" for our loved one to have bipolar, when it doesn't affect them personally?

What about people who automatically think a bipolar person is a piece of crap....just because they have bipolar? My husband's pdoc told us that we wouldn't believe how many spouses just walk away without even trying to make the relationship work, just because they find out their spouse is BIPOLAR. Hmmmmm.....damaged goods? At least we're trying. We don't always, succeed, even WHEN we try. But at least we are giving it a shot at working, before we call it "quits".

What about people who "mean well" and try to console us with thoughtless, nonsensical remarks, which only go to further prove they weren't even listening to us, while our heart is breaking? I had a few less than helpful things told to me while my husband was in the throes of a bipolar episode and struggling still for his stability.

My thoughts on this are that we've come to a place where our society doesn't like anything that isn't pretty to look at it, or easy. We have become a society of instant gratification. If it's too hard, dump it, we're busy, we don't have time for this stuff. We just want to have "fun", so if you are entertaining we will let you come around us, but if you have a bad time....

I know. Bipolar disorder is hard. It isn't easy to try to work out a relationship where bipolar is present. I just want to say to everyone to not believe everything people will tell you about bipolar disorder. Some of us are so confused, as well, when our loved ones are going through an episode. Sometimes, I believe people are sincere in trying to help us, but unless they've walked a mile in our moccasins, it takes REAL INSIGHT to empathize. So sometimes we get the unpolished version of what "they would do". Wouldn't it be nice if the world understood better about mental illness? Or believed there is such a thing as mental "illness", instead of equating mental illness with 1st degree degradation?

Great post, Lolly. (At work, so will just give it a Thumb's Up for now!)

Great post. I have been seeing this in my situation and it is frustrating. My family did come together for me in a very rough time, but I know they would have a very hard time with it if she were to crash and we got back together.

My friends think she is just evil. Though a couple are starting to understand, or at least tell me they are. But it is frustrating when I know this is not the real her.

Her friends are putting their heads in the sand, and think I am just a pitiful guy that cant let go. Her new friends from the bars are just feeding the mania. And the guy she is now with is enjoying the ride.

And as much as people like to group bp people into one general group labeled "bat-shit crazy", I would like to report that they all aren't like that. A lot of the symptoms of bp are similar from person to person, but how they come out are as different as people are different. We are talking about individuals who have a disorder of the brain. Yes, when the brain is affected, you are going to encounter a lot of strange behavior. That's why it's called a "disorder". But meds work. There are thousands of possible combinations.

When I think about couples who are dealing with other health issues like cancer or brain injuries, I rarely hear that the spouse without the illness thinking about divorcing based on the illness alone. It's almost like if it's something we can "see", we believe that there's a real problem. With bp, we can't see anything but the weird behavior and people who are uneducated about bp can't believe that there is an honest to goodness physical problem with the brain that is not within the control of the person who has it.

But again, there are meds for this! There is hope that things can get much better if the person with bp will take them.

Think about the brain disorder called Alzheimer's. There's no pill to manage that except the one that slows the progression. But we all accept that this disorder is real and everyone accepts the reasons for the strange behavior.

It's all about the stigma of bp. We have a LONG way to go before the media and people in general start to accept this disorder as a real medical illness and not a way to exploit the person having an episode. I think about the 2 individuals who had episodes on airplanes and they were videotaped and broadcasted repeatedly for all to see. How humiliating for the individuals and families! It would be like taping someone having a seizure or other medical event and putting it on national tv. It just ain't right.

I know there is a lot of hurt caused by spouses with bp. And sometimes the hurt is unforgiveable. I get that. But when and if the person accepts their diagnosis, only then can the healing begin. It is a very individual thing and things can only get better if treatment is started. Some people just don't want to stop being manic and that's a tragedy. I don't expect anyone to stick around for that kind of a life. It is a matter of responsibility. The person with bp HAS to take responsibility for their own life and illness, the spouse can't MAKE them do it. It will never stick if that's the case.

Thanks Lolli for bringing this up. It's a good thing to discuss.

Yeah, after my wife's diagnosis, one of my co-workers who witnessed her arrest pulled me aside and asked, "So, are you gonna divorce her? I have a lawyer friend...." I was already in quite a spin, and that didn't help me much. I had to sit there and explain that in my view we can't commit to people and then get rid of them when they have problems. Co-worker responded, "Oh yeah, I know all about codependency..." She was trying to be supportive, but still....grrr.

Right on Lolli, I couldnt agree more, all is soooooo true and you know my story.....

I totally agree. Mine own fear kept me from telling people that I had taken back my "bat shit crazy" SO for a long time. The only person I even told that I was thinking about it was my little brother. After we got back together I told my best friend. She told me what she needed to "I'm worried about your safety, etc." but for the most part didn't judge me. I was so embarrassed (still am, don't think I have eve yet to share ALL of it here...) about what he had done, and he had done it SOOOOOOOOO publicly. There was no one in my life that hadn't experienced his manic antics. It took me about six months to tell the rest of my friends, about a year to tell my dad. He still isn't ok with it and makes comments all the time. It has been two and a half years, and I still haven't told my work for fear of losing my job.

The stigma behind bipolar is hard to deal with. But I truly believe that with good vocal examples of people living with bipolar, we can chip away at it little by little.

Great post. Thank you.

I too haven't even shared here all of my husbands behavior when manic. Suffice it to say a few of my friends my family and someone at work were involved.

I haven't told everyone either. I will say that one family member who I told still wanted me to divorce him. Just saying bipolar is largely meaningless to people ( oh that's mood swings right?)

I will say at the same time I take this very seriously now. I should have called 911. I will not hesitate to do so in the future if circumstances are similar. I appreciate the voices on these threads who take this seriously and remind us about safety.

I also appreciate the experiences and voices of those of us who are choosing to live with our loved ones. And are finding our way forward.

Post edited by: Kitkat777, at: 04/13/2012 08:51 AM

I guess I can understand the people not totally understanding. In my case, I also thought of bipolar as highs and lows. I did not even consider the possibility of a total personality change. If I had, I might still have my wife. I am slowly getting friends to understand as well. I just wish those still connected to her would also listen.

@Kitkat and Riding, sometimes it does help getting things out of you. It did me. I sort of tip-toed through alot of it when I very first got on mdj, then the pendulum swung the other way...hee hee and I got downright hostile in my feelings, etc. Letting it all hang out. And everyone was patient and for the most part understanding. I've had alot of folks tell me that they have benefitted from hearing the good, the bad, and the ugly of our story...my husband and mine. If you ever feel like sharing, it can be therapeutic for you and helpful for others, some you may never even know about or be aware of. Alot of people come and read here even though they don't join. But if you don't ever feel like you can fully share your stories, because the pain is too great, that is okay too. So don't worry whether you have or haven't. We are here for you always.