Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

It keeps amazing me how the people around me and my wife all seem to have a hard time accepting the bipolar as the reason for the events happening. My friends think she is a horrible person that is now showing her true colors. Her friends think I am a guy that cant let go and is making things up to make her look bad.

I got a text today from "Momma Anne" she was a mother like figure in our lives. Her daughter and my wife have been friends since high school. She said it must be hard, but I need to learn to move on. It must be hard when somebody you love finds their "Soul mate". She then put in a sentence about how I need to learn to "open myself up to new things and new experiences". I am not totally sure, but I think that probably came from my wife saying I am keeping her from living life. Mind you with my job I have been all over the country, and in some cases I have had to make life changes at the drop of a hat. I have experienced all kinds of things, but there is also taking care of your family. It just frustrates me.

I feel sorry for them when she finally crashes. It will happen. In Bipolar, what goes up must come down. If it happens soon, I can still help, but if this blindness keeps going on, and a lot of time passes, then they will be the only thing she has.

Denial. Until they see it. Most people never see what really goes on. He is so funny, smart, generous. Then he goes crazy. Everyone is shocked. Surprised. "That is so unlike him!" They say. Then he disappears for a while and they wonder why he doesn't return calls, and why he doesn't want to hang out. Then the fun guy is back, and they all forget. It's a cycle for everyone. I feel like the only one who holds the truth. My mom knows now, too. She has

seen it now enough times.

I wonder what they will all say when she crashes. As much as I hate the crashes, I hope she comes down soon, Silverlock!

I do as well. I never thought I would pray for depression before. I am sure her friends that are wanting the party girl will vanish, the others that are in denial will panic. Unfortunately my friends be aghast if I go to help her.

But my wife is running hard and is showing no signs of slowing down. And the obsession and time she is spending with this guy is scary. I have a feeling this is going to be a long haul.

My big hope is that if I am not around, so she has to cast around for a new enemy, her friends that are not just using her, but are standing back, will get to see what is really going on. The more of them that finally learn the truth, will be better. Then they can prepare. But my thoughts and feelings on the matter seem to change multiple times a day. I just wish more of the people, her friends and mine, would understand what is going on so I don't feel like I am the one going crazy.

I go through the same thing exact thing Silverlock. I can't even talk to his "friends" and family about it. I hardly talk to my family or friends either. They say the same thing yours do. Only in the year I have developed a couple of friendships that I feel real support from in dealing with my husband's bipolar.

Me too. My family and friends that I confided in during the worst all expectied me to divorce him. I havent even told some of my close friends and family about the bipolar! The few I told was mostly because he got my phone and was texting bizarre things. I had to say something.

Now I just say I love him, we're in counseling, things are much better. People are respecting my decision and I just leave it at that. I mostly shared with his parents and my SIL. Theyre wonderful.

The reality is even if you tell people- the magnitude of what it means to be bipolar is not easily grasped. I certainly had heard of bipolar before this happened. But frankly, didn't really think it was a big deal. That's likely why people continue to want to assign "normalcy" to someone whose behavior is clearly out there. You rationalize, go into denial - all that.

Your wife's friends talk to her and believe what she says. The alternative, well, its pretty hard to process.

Post edited by: Kitkat777, at: 04/08/2012 08:15 PM

Silverlock, you might start trying to educate your friends and family about bipolar disorder.

Here is one example (just based on what you told us, which is probably just a small excerpt so my example is totally NOT reality based!!!!):

Momma Anne tells you that you must learn to move on when someone finds their soul mate.

You tell Momma Anne: "I am all for celebrating finding soul mates. But the truth is my wife has bipolar disorder. She was diagnosed at age ___ and has been seeing a psychiatrist for ___ years. Wifey decided to go off her meds _________(when inserted here) and THAT was when she started going to _____ bar (give the name of the bar--most bar names sound silly to sober adults) where her supposed "soul mate" who she has known for all of _______ (amount of time) works. She has brought this soul mate home to the house and had sex while her kids were there and aware of what was happening.

Momma Anne, what is going on here is mental illness, plain and simple. I'm not saying she and I will be together when she is in her right mind again, but I am saying that she is NOT in her right mind now. I hope you can see that."

And Silver, I saw your post on another thread where I had congratulated you on how mature and reasonable you were being about all this and you talked about all the GI pain and damage this is doing! Do NOT bury your feelings in your gut or any other body part. I know that my husband's manic episode contributed to my breast cancer. (Not the whole. But a part.) Get yourself as many therapists as you need to stop this internalizing!!! If you are a religious person, make time for your services, and make an appointment to talk to your rabbi/imam/minister about all you are facing. EXERCISE and right now? Eat super healthy. I know that when I am stressed about my husband's disorder, I crave....Ben And Jerry's and NOT spinach. But spinach will make me feel better in the long run.

You gotta put the oxygen mask on yourself first, friend.

Thanks. I have tried to educate them, some listen a little, others let it roll off. I have walked Momma anne through it as well. It is best I just dont talk to them anymore.

I am working on taking care of myself. I want cookies and pizza, but I am not not eating them. I am sticking to my diet and I have an exercise bike in my apartment that I have been riding more often.

I did take a few stories off the forum and shared them with some of my friends. I want them to understand that I am not deluding myself. That this is not the woman I married. That she is still in there.

My approach has been full disclosure. I wanted to keep it a secret from everyone but she started calling people and posting things on facebook. So as far as I'm concerned she opened that ugly door. I'm not going to take her lying and making things up about me. So I called my close friends and relatives and told them everything and a very interesting thing happened. A few told me that they were noticing signs as early as november but didn't think much of it till I brought it up. They noticed she was talking a bit too much and her eyes were tired and she seemed a bit different, but not too far out just a bit. I guess when we hang out with someone all the time, we don't see things.

BTW, the example with the oxygen mask, that's the first thing one of my relatives said to me when this all happened, it's true the mask goes on the mom or dad first and then the kids. You can't help anyone if you don't help yourself first.

How are you holding up silverlock ?

I am doing ok. I have my up and downs. At one point I will think I have put it behind me, then the next I miss her too much and hope too hard she comes out of it soon.

I was going to try and not communicate with her till the end of the month. Unfortunately I had to contact her about a missing piece from a family heirloom she packed. She did not respond all day, then tonight she responded she did not find the extra piece. I don't know if I can believe her with all the lying she has done. She might even have removed the piece on purpose. It comes from a silver coffee urn that belonged to my great great grandfather. The piece that was removed was not worth much in itself, but it was irreplaceable. Maybe it is in another of the boxes I removed from the house. I just hate not being able to trust my own wife.

I have told anybody that mattered or was affected the truth. My issue has been her friends think I am being mean. Some of them are hangers on types that want her to be a fun party girl. The others are not around enough, and believe her when she all of a sudden tells them I am now controlling and opinionated. My friends, they think I am kind of deluded and don't want my wife to really be gone. They think she just decided to turn into a witch one day and sleep around. A couple of them are slowly starting to understand that I am not just making up the manic thing.

Post edited by: Silverlock, at: 04/09/2012 04:26 PM