Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

I know that some members disagree but I wouldn't insist on the "bipolar" label with her at this point. TOO MANY PEOPLE WITH THE DISORDER WILL FALL ON THEIR SWORD ABOUT THIS AT FIRST. (Same thing with schizophrenia.)

As Hopeful says, if she admits she has a MOOD disorder and psychological conditions that require her to take meds???? I would go with that. Eventually, she needs to admit the BP diagnosis. But I always say that what matters most is what you should focus on--ad what matters most is that she BECOMES STABLE SOON. Once she is stable, I suspect she will be like alot of our spouses and will herself use the BP term before you do.

Yes, there are other terms of art that work to aid in talking to an unstable spouse. Don't use "crazy" or "insane" because those terms suggest rubber rooms and restraints (I know! Rubber rooms and restraints are NOT the norm for BP disorder, but this is their point of view...) Use "unreasonable" or "not rational." (Watch out---"irrational" can trigger the same response as "insane.") Or say, "Honey, that doesn't make sense" or "Petunia, that isn't really logical." I don't use "manic" either---my husband hasn't BEEN manic since years and hypomania isn't mania. So I don't say "You seem rather manic today" I say "You seem to be going rather fast today. How are you feeling." Let HIM/HER assess their state as much as possible. (They won't be good judges when unstable, but it is still really important to help HER figure out when she is getting unstable and the way to get there is for her to get better at assessing her moods and stability!)

I like these as well, I've been saying irrational all the time instead of crazy but I will use not logical. Doesn't make sense will piss her off but not logical is something from star trek and she watched in years ago. Sometimes when she says crazy nonsense I act confused like I have a problem understanding, like there's something wrong with me and that makes her try and explain herself in a different way.

I hope this is a right move; doctor says this hospital is good in dealing with resistant patients, she's been telling me to take her there since day one but cops took her to ucla when she went in for 5150.

Well, another update with my wife...I can probably write a book by now.

She started calling my mom and leaving messeges and doing same on my phone

"sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, bail me out",I'm sorry, etc, etc, etc.

I didn't pick up the phone for three days.

My mom did pick up the phone and with out my knowledge told her that the I dumped her and that the only chance she has is to go to hospital and release her medical records, because no one is going to be bailing her out anytime soon. Mind you this is the same offer that was presented to her since she was in jail for only 2 days and she could have taken it at any time but she always said I would rather stay in jail.

My mom said to her if you are series, release your medical records and waive doctor / client privilege and then I will talk with my son about getting you into hospital.

She said she will do it and also called our civil lawyer and asked him to contact her criminal lawyer, who she cursed out just a few days earlier and told the civil lawyer to tell the criminal lawyer that he's hired again.

Mom and I both thought that she was full of shit and wasn't going to release her medical records as she has not done so in the past, but she did release them and we got a chance to speak with her doctor who is now the 5th doctor to confirm that she is in a middle of a prolonged manic episode. The next day I decided to pick up the phone when she called but only to blow her off as I decided to stick to my promise that the next time she talks to me she will be begging for help.

I picked up the phone and said loudly

"what do you want from me" she said I just want you and the kids and I don't want to fight anymore, I'm sick of being here, I want truce and I will go to the hospital. I just want my family back and I don't have bipolar I just have depression and anger issues but I will go to hospital, I just want to get on with our life together...or something to that effect. I have to say there was very few things she could have said that would cause me NOT to hang up the phone on her and she actually said the right thing.

She said she didn't want to talk about the past and wanted to focus on the future, etc, etc, etc, still manic as hell...I could barely get a word in.

Anyway, I went to the judge the next morning and got him to release her to top hospital that is covered by my insurance, for partial inpatient and partial outpatient program.

The judge told her that if the report is bad from the hospital he will put her back in jail. He released her but there is some type of error that was put on her record regarding immigration, she is citizen and it takes bout 48 hours to clear up and that was yesterday, so probably tomorrow or Saturday I will be taking her to the hospital.

What I also did yesterday was go to the hospital and have a long talk with the admissions director and give them copies of all her prescriptions, assessments, prognosis and letters from friends and relatives. I told the lady the whole story and she was taking notes and seemed to understand everything perfectly.

This was the hospital her doctor originally wanted me to take her to in feb.

I asked her what if she doesn't take meds. The lady told me that they will be able to tell and will write a bad report and will cause her to go back to jail or take meds involuntarily, she also said that when they don't cooperate in the voluntary program, it gives alot of ammunition for involuntary medication program or back to jail.

She also said they will be assessing her for conservatorship in case that becomes and issue. So I think it's a step in the right direction. Also because she chose this route instead of going to trial, her records will not be privilaged because the judge, prosecutor and defense have to be able to see her progress and her treatment, so in a way she created more evidence for me as to her condition in case something goes wrong later on, she won't be able to say...my records are private no one can see them, then the judge will send her back to jail...so I think this is a good decision.

I think she is manipulating me about wanting family back, etc, etc, I think she just wants to get out of jail...but this is the same offer we have been trying to get her to accept and she finally accepted it. I also heard some vulnerability in her voice when we spoke but I have not heard it after that or since then.

When I take her to the hospital I'm going to pretend that I don't want to tell them or talk with them about anything, little will she know that the doctors already have her whole history going back last 5 months and have good idea of the severity of the illness. I thought going there alone with out her will save trouble in the end...this way she won't accuse me of poisoning the doctors when they give her the same prognoses as the 5 other doctors have already.

The jail doctor went on and on how smart she is and how she doesn't belong in jail and to give her liquid meds because she will not take meds. He did say the mania is subsiding but he doesn't know when it will go away.

FINALLY Confused!!!!!!!!!! We have been waiting for this from the very beginning of this whole saga! This is a HUGE step in the right direction!!!!!!!!!! Sounds like you are handling things like a CHAMP! Will you be able to get daily updates from the hospital? Do you think you will visit her often? I will be interested to hear any advice from our 'seasoned' members!

I am not as optimistic as Life is. Your wife has to have what Christians would call a "come to Jesus meeting." Even if you guys aren't Christian, she has to be aware that her episodes are causing her loved ones damage AND that she is mentally ill.

I definitely agree! I just remember when I first read Confused's story I was in shock that they couldn't hospitalize her. I kept wondering when the heck someone was going to blow the whistle and get her the treatment she so obvisiouly and desperately needed! But I know she can't be forced to continue treatment down the road so embracing the illness and necessary treatment is a must! I guess I am just desperately hoping that some forced treatment will bring her back to reality!

Confused, I think this is a step in the right direction. She will need to accept that she has bipolar, but I think the hospital will be able to help her come to terms with that and accept it.

You still have to stay hard. I know that is difficult, but until she is stable she will still manipulate

I hope and pray that this is the answer for her and you. Hopefully, the meds will get her thinking back on track enough to admit she has a serious mental illness and realize all of the hurt she has caused. I think when this happens, that's when the healing begins.

Here's what I think.

I believe it's total manipulation, I'm taking it as total manipulation..although I have to say it's the same deal she was offered 3 months ago and she didn't take it. Maybe she just now realized it's better than jail...I don't know but I don't trust her 1 percent. Every word that comes out of her mouth is a lie....to everyone not just me....she tells different people different stories and about irrelevent non material things that you really don't have to lie about.....and she's not a liar so it's the disease.

Either she finally figured out that jail is not as nice or she is beginning to get a bit better and is more uncomfortable in jail than she was 3 months ago....there's no doubt the mania is getting milder...it was an 9 or 10 and now it's about 4 or 5 but most symptoms are still there, just milder.

So part of me doesn't believe her and part of me does because once again, it's the same deal that was offered to her 3 months ago.

She still has a immigration hold, it's an error but they say can take few days to clear up. I hope she wasn't doing some weird stuff in jail like setting up false marriages with illegal aliens or something....god only knows in her current state of mind.

But we will see, I honestly don't know what to think after last friday's "suicide" fiasko...I don't think I will forget that one, either will police department, they wanted to add charges of making false police report but I asked detective to hold on and not file it yet...to see how things go....everyone in the police and court knows she's sick so it makes it a bit easier, she's the only one who hasn't come to terms with it...but she did sound scared shitless when she called me from jail for 3 days and no pick up...that might have done it...it was different behavior on my part, it was I don't need you, maybe it was a wake up call who the hell knows.

Post edited by: Confused101, at: 06/15/2012 07:11 AM

Confused, a wake up call is what it took for me to admit I had BP and accept responsibility for treatment. The line she said about not having BP and just being depressed with anger issues, would have me concerned. It sounds like denial still to me so just be careful. I would wait until she is convinced in her own head that she is sick and is willing to get help. Maybe the doctors at the hospital can help her realize that she is sick and that the 5+ doctors in the past aren't wrong.