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03/30/2012 09:58 PM

How to encourage without nagging

esposa
Posts: 98
Member

I know I'm asking a lot of questions lately. My vacation ends Sunday, and then I'll be up to my ears again, but this week... I am learning so much on here.

So how do I urge him, encourage him, remind him of things without coming across as nagging? He still hasn't called his doctor, and now it's been a week since the sh@t hit the turbo fan. He needs to be applying for jobs now, because he is in education and this is when they are hiring for the fall. If he waits, he won't have a job because the position he is in now is being cut. He waits until the last minute to do everything, and I know I can't make him do anything, but since I count on him for so many things, sometimes I need to urge him. His mom was/is a major nagger, so whenever I bring things up, he gets irritated. I'm only trying to help. I pay all the bills because otherwise they wouldn't get paid, but I can't apply for jobs for him! I can't make him want to work! I can't make him stop buying things. I can't make him order a sleep aid... I feel helpless a lot, and my life is packed enough right now. I need him to follow through with things!

Ideas?

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03/30/2012 10:06 PM
Kitkat777
Kitkat777  
Posts: 1021
Senior Member

Write a letter or send an email. It really works for my husband.

You can be really loving and list out the things all at once.

Offer to help with certain tasks.

I was totally at a loss in Jan. I was so upset. I wrote that he had to go to rehab and marriage counseling ifhe wanted to stay here.

I left it in his office. . Two days later he left it back on the dining table- signed and dated.

Since then I've left notes and sent emails too.

We are also starting a weekly marriage staff meeting where we will discuss finances, pay bills, discuss healthcare appointment etc.

Post edited by: Kitkat777, at: 03/30/2012 10:08 PM


03/31/2012 07:12 PM
hopefulcb
hopefulcb  
Posts: 4020
Group Leader

Esposa, just say things in an encouraging way, not a controlling way. Something like, "did I ever tell you how proud I am that you agreed to call the dr about a sleep aid" Just subtly, nicely say things like that, see what his response is. I get more out of my husband when I don't sound controlling, nagging, dominating etc.

I also volunteer to do something that might speed the process along, like say "oh do you need the number, I guess I forgot to give you his number" meaning the dr, something like that.


03/31/2012 07:44 PM
esposa
Posts: 98
Member

Where do you draw the line between helping, and having him help himself? He will say things like, "I didn't call because I didn't have the number" basically meaning I should get the number for him. "I didn't apply for jobs because I didn't have a computer." he broke 2 laptops, and we just got a new one, but I need it for work. He has time when I'm putting our son to bed, and all the hours when I'm not home during the week. He has plenty of time, but he acts like I am making it hard for him to do things.

I text him a lot. He seems to be ok with that.

Hopeful, you are right about tone of voice. Offering to help works, but then it's my fault if he doesnt do something. Does that make sense?

Thanks for the suggestions.


03/31/2012 08:06 PM
WornOut2
WornOut2  
Posts: 1846
Senior Member

That's a fine line, and I often have trouble with that one myself. It is usually just SO much easier to do it myself.

And I have to admit that I searched the want ads, I composed the cover letters and mailed them with the resumes when he was looking for a teaching job four years ago.


03/31/2012 08:43 PM
hopefulcb
hopefulcb  
Posts: 4020
Group Leader

Well I lead him to water, but I cant and wont drink it for him. i have come to realize that there are some things that just come easy for me to do because it is no big deal to me. I will make appts, and he goes to them, my husband is just not an organized office person, I am, so I dont mind. I just remember my ultimate goal, if my goal is to have see him see a dr, then I dont mind making the appt if he is willing to go. I help where I know it is difficult for him and no big deal to me. Before diagnosis, I used to think laziness, now I believe it overwhelming to him, so that paralyzes him in some instances.

03/31/2012 09:17 PM
sewnup
sewnup  
Posts: 707
Senior Member

I too am of the mind, that I might as well do it myself, because his memory loss, and not being able to grasp the concept of what I might be explaining to him he just doesn't allow him to keep up.

But on occasion, when I see that he is relaxed and not over stimulated....I will say something like, "I would like to figure out how to do _________."

After a while he's on it like white on rice, like it was HIS big idea.

Sometimes this works for us....Sometimes.


04/01/2012 06:10 AM
strongwilled
 
Posts: 36
Member

I know that reverse psychology works... however there are so many times I get so overwhelmed by the fact that I have to have my spouse as another kid... I have 4 oldest 23 and youngest 9.. so I guess I am tired of raising kids!!!

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE!!! PROVERBS 3...TRUST IN THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART... DO NOT LEAN ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING... IN ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM AND HE WILL MAKE YOUR PATHS STRAIGHT!!!!


04/01/2012 09:45 AM
esposa
Posts: 98
Member

sewnup, yes! That's something I do, too! I never realized it, but that is one of the best methods. Sometimes I get frustrated when he talks about it later like it was all his idea, but I guess in the end, it's about him learning to do things for himself.

strongwilled, yes, it does feel like having an extra kid sometimes. Sad

wornout, I've searched the job listings so many times. "Hey, did you know there's a position open at ___?" "I saw something perfect for you. Here is the posting. I'll take ds and give you some time if you want to apply right now." If he doesn't do something right away, he won't do it.

hopeful, I've been there, thinking it was laziness, thinking it was flat out refusal to do things... I realize now he's so overwhelmed sometimes by basic things, and I'm trying so hard to keep in mind that he doesn't do it on purpose.

A question I have for everyone, though, is how much is the disability, and how much is a learned behavior pattern? Sometimes it feels like he's learned that he can't do things for himself, or that he won't understand something, so he doesn't even try. Maybe some of that is the disability, but there are strategies he could at least try, if he just would, that could help. He says he forgets, he gets distracted, he doesn't understand, he didn't hear me... I think a lot is learned behavior. I suggested he take a moment when he's saying, "Sure I'll do that" and pause and repeat it to himself. "I am going to ___." Just to see if he can get it to his memory. He says he doesn't want to have to do that, that he feels like a freak having to do things other people don't have to do. So I suggest a written checklist. He gets our little one up and ready in the mornings. He gets rushed and forgets to have him brush his teeth or comb his hair. Basic things. I said why not make a visual schedule for our little one, and that would help everyone remember? He says, "Great!" but that's the end of it.

Anyway, now I'm rambling, but I have read so many posts this past week, and I realize just how much he is like so many of your SOs, and I wish he could realize he IS normal, in a different kind of normal, but that there are lots of others out there who struggle like he does.


04/01/2012 12:26 PM
sewnup
sewnup  
Posts: 707
Senior Member

Esposa, In my humble opinion....I think it is a bit of both.

The illness is in control just like with addiction.

And, he has learned how to manipulate so that others do for him what he can do on his own. He has come to expect certain things, and they are simple things that he can do...but he just won't. He is like a child. Aargh! I'm getting myself worked up just typing about it and I want to go vent on a windshield with a bat! That's my que to get off of here.

But I definately relate!

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