I know I'm asking a lot of questions lately. My vacation ends Sunday, and then I'll be up to my ears again, but this week... I am learning so much on here.
So how do I urge him, encourage him, remind him of things without coming across as nagging? He still hasn't called his doctor, and now it's been a week since the sh@t hit the turbo fan. He needs to be applying for jobs now, because he is in education and this is when they are hiring for the fall. If he waits, he won't have a job because the position he is in now is being cut. He waits until the last minute to do everything, and I know I can't make him do anything, but since I count on him for so many things, sometimes I need to urge him. His mom was/is a major nagger, so whenever I bring things up, he gets irritated. I'm only trying to help. I pay all the bills because otherwise they wouldn't get paid, but I can't apply for jobs for him! I can't make him want to work! I can't make him stop buying things. I can't make him order a sleep aid... I feel helpless a lot, and my life is packed enough right now. I need him to follow through with things!
Esposa, just say things in an encouraging way, not a controlling way. Something like, "did I ever tell you how proud I am that you agreed to call the dr about a sleep aid" Just subtly, nicely say things like that, see what his response is. I get more out of my husband when I don't sound controlling, nagging, dominating etc.
I also volunteer to do something that might speed the process along, like say "oh do you need the number, I guess I forgot to give you his number" meaning the dr, something like that.
Where do you draw the line between helping, and having him help himself? He will say things like, "I didn't call because I didn't have the number" basically meaning I should get the number for him. "I didn't apply for jobs because I didn't have a computer." he broke 2 laptops, and we just got a new one, but I need it for work. He has time when I'm putting our son to bed, and all the hours when I'm not home during the week. He has plenty of time, but he acts like I am making it hard for him to do things.
I text him a lot. He seems to be ok with that.
Hopeful, you are right about tone of voice. Offering to help works, but then it's my fault if he doesnt do something. Does that make sense?
Well I lead him to water, but I cant and wont drink it for him. i have come to realize that there are some things that just come easy for me to do because it is no big deal to me. I will make appts, and he goes to them, my husband is just not an organized office person, I am, so I dont mind. I just remember my ultimate goal, if my goal is to have see him see a dr, then I dont mind making the appt if he is willing to go. I help where I know it is difficult for him and no big deal to me. Before diagnosis, I used to think laziness, now I believe it overwhelming to him, so that paralyzes him in some instances.
03/31/2012 09:17 PM
Posts: 707 Senior Member
I too am of the mind, that I might as well do it myself, because his memory loss, and not being able to grasp the concept of what I might be explaining to him he just doesn't allow him to keep up.
But on occasion, when I see that he is relaxed and not over stimulated....I will say something like, "I would like to figure out how to do _________."
After a while he's on it like white on rice, like it was HIS big idea.
Sometimes this works for us....Sometimes.
04/01/2012 06:10 AM
Posts: 36 Member
I know that reverse psychology works... however there are so many times I get so overwhelmed by the fact that I have to have my spouse as another kid... I have 4 oldest 23 and youngest 9.. so I guess I am tired of raising kids!!!
GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE!!! PROVERBS 3...TRUST IN THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART... DO NOT LEAN ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING... IN ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM AND HE WILL MAKE YOUR PATHS STRAIGHT!!!!
04/01/2012 09:45 AM
Posts: 98 Member
sewnup, yes! That's something I do, too! I never realized it, but that is one of the best methods. Sometimes I get frustrated when he talks about it later like it was all his idea, but I guess in the end, it's about him learning to do things for himself.
strongwilled, yes, it does feel like having an extra kid sometimes.
wornout, I've searched the job listings so many times. "Hey, did you know there's a position open at ___?" "I saw something perfect for you. Here is the posting. I'll take ds and give you some time if you want to apply right now." If he doesn't do something right away, he won't do it.
hopeful, I've been there, thinking it was laziness, thinking it was flat out refusal to do things... I realize now he's so overwhelmed sometimes by basic things, and I'm trying so hard to keep in mind that he doesn't do it on purpose.
A question I have for everyone, though, is how much is the disability, and how much is a learned behavior pattern? Sometimes it feels like he's learned that he can't do things for himself, or that he won't understand something, so he doesn't even try. Maybe some of that is the disability, but there are strategies he could at least try, if he just would, that could help. He says he forgets, he gets distracted, he doesn't understand, he didn't hear me... I think a lot is learned behavior. I suggested he take a moment when he's saying, "Sure I'll do that" and pause and repeat it to himself. "I am going to ___." Just to see if he can get it to his memory. He says he doesn't want to have to do that, that he feels like a freak having to do things other people don't have to do. So I suggest a written checklist. He gets our little one up and ready in the mornings. He gets rushed and forgets to have him brush his teeth or comb his hair. Basic things. I said why not make a visual schedule for our little one, and that would help everyone remember? He says, "Great!" but that's the end of it.
Anyway, now I'm rambling, but I have read so many posts this past week, and I realize just how much he is like so many of your SOs, and I wish he could realize he IS normal, in a different kind of normal, but that there are lots of others out there who struggle like he does.
04/01/2012 12:26 PM
Posts: 707 Senior Member
Esposa, In my humble opinion....I think it is a bit of both.
The illness is in control just like with addiction.
And, he has learned how to manipulate so that others do for him what he can do on his own. He has come to expect certain things, and they are simple things that he can do...but he just won't. He is like a child. Aargh! I'm getting myself worked up just typing about it and I want to go vent on a windshield with a bat! That's my que to get off of here.
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