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03/28/2012 05:14 AM

Possible progress with my potentially bipolar EX

cm00
Posts: 111
Member

I'm making this in a new thread because my old one is now 33 pages long and full of many peoples stories, you can read about my story there in the past few pages.

My ex partner has been gone for almost 3 months now. When she left, she said she hated me, she claimed to her friends and to the police that I raped her, this caused a lot of trouble, but the charges against me were dropped by the prosecutor. She refused all contact with me, if I so much as sent her a text message to tell her how much I love her, she reported it to the police as harassment.

She's now willing to have contact with me again, so far by email only, i've sent her a few emails, and she has actually replied. She appears to be calming down, she says she still wants to be friends, but has a new life now, her hair is no longer blue and pink, she dyed it blonde again. She also claims to have stopped telling lies, i never even mentioned lies, she said that herself.

She said that she has a new life there, and that she is now an independant woman, this part makes me believe she is still a bit manic, but most probably on the way down, the mania probably peaked and started subsiding already.

She has never had any money saved up because she always spends it all, so she has never been independant, the only reason she has money now is because she sold the small house she inherited from her nan, she already wasted a lot of the money, but has enough left to keep going for a while yet, depending on the rate she spends it at. She has no income.

I don't see this as independance atall, she is being supported by money she was given for free and that money will run out.

She said that she does care about me, and will always treasure our time together, she claims to not love me anymore but wants to stay friends. She claims she is very happy where she is and loves her top floor apartment that she is renting.

She believes she is an independant woman and is happy, but she isn't independant, she's just living on a dwindling small pool of money that she was given. It was her only inheritance, she won't get another.

Her boyfriend won't even live in the apartment with her, he is still going to university, for another 3 years, he 6 years younger than her, she is 26, he's barely just above being a teenager. His family seem to be quite posh, they're also sceptical about her, she's much older than he is and i think they may just be giving her a chance to see what she is like.

What do you think of all of this? Will she come back to me? She's definetly not full blown manic anymore, but i certainly think that she was. What happens after a 3-4 month manic episode? Do they instantly become depressed or is it a gradual phasing downward from mania to depression?

As it seems right now, she may be on that downward phase, this i think should bode well for me, because the same illness that took her away from me will hopfully bring her back.

I am being romantic with her in an attempt to bring her back to me. I am sending her a couple of gifts, a broken heart key chain, it's one heart, broken into two, with my name on one side and hers on the other, i'm sending her one half of the heart, and keeping the other, i'm also including a card, everything wrote on and inside the card is from me, none of it is template, i came up with all of it. She likes certain types of bracelets too, i've found a perfect one that she'll adore, it has my name engraved into it. I also included a key to my heart box with a personized engraving on the box and parchment message inside.

I've put a picture of the card front and inside online for you all to see, please check it out, I was very emotional when I wrote this and it came from the bottom of my heart, it's completely custom and personalised, it was a blank card before, you can click on the picture to make it bigger: http://imageshack.us/f/441/cardac.jpg/

Post edited by: cm00, at: 03/28/2012 06:55 AM

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03/28/2012 05:32 AM
cm00
Posts: 111
Member

The way I got through to her was I sent her a heartfelt email describing how much I love her and miss her. She actually replied empathetically, which is in stark contrast to how she was when she left and for the folllowing couple of months where she had no empathy atall.

03/28/2012 02:17 PM
cm00
Posts: 111
Member

a few months ago she hated me, said i raped her (falsely) refused all contact with me, said i was the biggest mistake of her life. At this time she was wearing tons of makeup and had dyed her hair pink and blue.

Now presently she is in contact with me again, she said to me

"I do care about you, I will all ways treasure our time together"

In stark contrast to 3 months ago, she is happy to be in contact with me, she says that she cares about me, and will always treasure our time together. A complete reversal from what she previously said, no?

This also all coincides with her changing her hair colour back to blonde again, and she also just started wearing less makeup. She also told me, and her mum, that she wants to stop lying, she sees a problem within herself.

Does it sound to anyone else like she was manic 3 months ago, but the mania is going away? Does depression always follow a manic episode?

She's still not quite right, because she said "I am now completely independant" She doesn't seem to get that getting given some money and then living of it while it drains away is not being independant. She wants to be independant, but isn't willing to do it properly, this is just like her.

Post edited by: cm00, at: 03/28/2012 02:22 PM


03/28/2012 09:11 PM
lollipop
lollipop  
Posts: 4288
Group Leader

She may be coming down slowly. For my husband, depression is crouching right around the corner after each bout w/mania, even if it is just a bit of hypomania that he had. He's in a depressive funk tonight. All because I didn't like how he spoke to me and I called him on it. Alot of things were said by me to him...thus the depression. If your girlfriend is anything at all like my husband (and I know each person is different, etc) she may be coming out of the mania a little, but she may be faaaaaaaar from recovery. In looking back my husbnad was floudering back and forth in hypomania and depression for months and months, unable to truly stablize for a VERY long time. So she may be trying to come down but going in and out of lucidity and saying things/thinking things that are still illogical. She needs to get on some meds. Do you think her mother could talk to her about that?

03/29/2012 03:04 AM
cm00
Posts: 111
Member

Her mother flat out denies she has bipolar these days so that's impossible, I tried to talk to her mother about if she had bipolar during one of her mood swings and she cut the conversation off on me.

Her mother was diagnosed with bipolar about 2 years ago, she reguarly sees a therapist and is on medication, yet she still flat out denies she has it. I'd say that her mother is rapid cycler because on monday she might overly happy and can't stop talking and honestly a lot of it sometimes barely makes any sense. Then on tuesday she'll be getting into rages and putting you down, saying really nasty things, then by friday she'll be getting upset, constantly bringing up the past about how things went so wrong and crying. By monday she'll be to being overly happy, talkative and not making a lot of sense sometimes.

Her mother lives alone, nobody will put up with her, there is a man she knows who was kind of her boyfriend but he refuses to live with her, he says he just can't handle the way she is.

I have to be really careful about talking to my ex about bipolar, any mention of it at this stage could result in her cutting contact with me. I have tried talking some sense into her, i said that if she really wants to be independant, she won't gain that by renting a flat, she's on the road to poverty. I suggested she come back and we buy a house outright, no mortgage. Between both our money we can afford to do that. She can never get a mortgage because her credit score is so bad, so this really is her only chance to own a house, even if it's part ownership with me.

Currently, she still believes that she's going to get a 1500 euro a month job. That's about £1200 a month, it's not going to happen. In ten years she lived with me, she never had more than £100 in the bank, she earned less than £80 a week and every penny of it was spent on her as soon as it was earned, i paid all her living expenses. She will only work as a hairdresser, she refuses to work as anything else, hairdressing is a low paid job but it's the only thing she is qualified to do. So many young girls do hairdressing though that it's practically impossible to get a job in it that pays a decent wage.

She tends to scare away customers too, having conversations with the client is typical for hairdressers but not good for her because she says the wrong things, she lies, boasts, attention seeks, and tells too much personal information. She is her own worst enemy in this respect. If something goes wrong, it's never her fault, she won't take responsbility and this really annoys people.

IF she can get a job paying £300 a week, she'll struggle to make ends meet. Renting is expensive, she is paying £200 a week to rent, that leaves £100 a week for food, bills and other expenses, she's hopeless with money, it will never work. She can't help but buy things, she sees something nice, she wants it, she has the money so why not. She was already doing this on credit when she had no money and that's why she had so much debt.

Now the sad reality of it, notice the big "IF" even IF she could get a £300 a week job, which she won't, she'll still run out of money. She has never earned even 25% of that in ten years, she'll be incredibly lucky to even earn £150 a week.

Her claim that she is now "completely independant" just proves that she still isn't thinking properly. You've got £40,000 in the bank, down from £70,000 2 months ago, and your outgoings are at least £2000-£3000 a month and your income is non existant and the best income you could hope to get is £600 a month, how is that being independant? She is depending on money that was given to her for free as a once in a life time thing and once that is gone... so much for being independant?

Post edited by: cm00, at: 03/29/2012 03:30 AM


03/29/2012 03:21 PM
cm00
Posts: 111
Member

I've now completed the epic romantic gesture i'm going to send her, this is what i'm sending to her... i've added a mix CD to it now. I used to mix on professional decks as a hobby, using digital software I was able to create a new mix CD, she used to love it when I made CD's like that and she always listened to them.

This mix CD includes some amazing tunes, some new, and some old, ones we both enjoyed. The lyrics in all songs reflect my feelings for her and our relationship in general. It's all dance music, hardcore to be precise, that's what we both like. The lyrics in some songs are enough to bring me to tears because it relates so much to her and I.

I've included a personalised card with some really clever romantic wording from me, part of the wording explains the half of a broken heart (engraved with our names) that i'm sendin to her, aswell as a "you hold the key to my heart" heart shaped engraved box which is openable and inside contains preserved rose petals and a parchment scroll with a personalised message from me.

Lastly, there's a gorgeous bracelet, engraved with my name on it, she likes bracelets and shes never had one this nice, i've sending that too.

I'm hoping this romantic gesture has a big impact and makes her see what she risks losing if she doesn't come back.

Post edited by: cm00, at: 03/29/2012 03:23 PM


03/29/2012 09:28 PM
marriedtoit
marriedtoit  
Posts: 11541
Group Leader

cm00, I understand that you want her back, and badly so, but if she comes back without a diagnosis and without meds and without therapy, then this cycle is just going to repeat itself. I think you should definitely consider setting some dealbreakers if she wants to come back. You don't want to go through this heartbreak repeatedly, my friend, but without stability, you will be doing just that.

04/04/2012 04:15 AM
cm00
Posts: 111
Member

Hmm this is weird, even though she's back in contact with me and doesn't seem to see me as her enemy anymore, my ex still thinks she has powers. Isn't that a serious symptom?

She paid for her friend to go and visit her in the country she's in, my ex, her new BF and the friend all went out together, her friend who went to visit apparently had bad tummy pains for some reason. My EX did her "i'm taking the pain from you and into myself power" thing. Not long after my EX apparently had the tummy pains too. This was all done in front of her new BF and it certainly won't have done her any favors.

It's actually not often that she'll respond to one of my emails. She'll make a big response all in one go and seem normal then i won't hear from her again for quite some time.

I wonder if this is that "flicking in and out of mania" thing.

She still believes she's going to get a 2000 euro a month job (£1500) and be able to take a university degree along side it, in reality she can get neither, she has no qualifications, she is 26 and has earned less than £5000 in her entire life, she simply isn't cut out for working. This all while renting a flat and paying her own living expenses which are way beyond what she can earn.

University degrees are about £10,000 a year btw and they take about 3 years to do. Even if she could get in, it would take up all of what's left of her inheritance, and she would have nothing left to live on. She won't get in though, they don't let people with no qualifications in.

Post edited by: cm00, at: 04/04/2012 04:25 AM


04/05/2012 09:44 AM
cm00
Posts: 111
Member

Got some more info from my possible bipolar EX. (i call her my ex but shes been my other half for 10 years until she took off a few months ago).

She can't stop talking, when on the phone to her mum she just talked and talked, ignoring her mother saying "right well i have to hang up now".

The doctor is giving her something to "calm her down" i don't know what or why.

She is getting headaches a lot, she is finding it hard to learn the language of the country she is in, even attempting to learn it brings the headaches on.

She talks without thinking, seems confused, for example, when asked the question "is the only reason you're staying in that country because of that guy?" she replied no, she likes it there. A follow up question was asked "would you still stay in that country if you and he split up?" She hestitated, and replied I don't know.

These are all symptoms of mania right?

Post edited by: cm00, at: 04/05/2012 09:45 AM


04/05/2012 12:36 PM
Confused101

I have been reading your posts and am going thru something very similar to you. My wife had first bipolar episode and within a month of her mania took off and basically said she doesn't love me and wants a divorce. She turned against everyone in her family and has been threatening to get everyone arrested, etc,

I think you may be reading too much into what she is doing right now. From what I understand when they are manic or even hypomanic they are not really themselves so trying to understand what they are saying is like having a conversation with someone who just finished drinking 2 bottles of vodka.

My wife is totally not herself and nothing about her is the same or remotely similar it's like another person took over her body, seriously.

what was a very sweet, conservative, down to earth mother of two children, became an obsessive, control freak who dresses and acts like a prostitute.

This is not her and I believe that it's the bipolar doing this and not her.

I think you should step back and stop taking a pulse at every action or word your girlfriend says, otherwise you will become manic as well. thanks to this forum I'm starting to develop an attitute like the manic partner is on drugs and I have to show them really tough love in order to survive this and there's no other way around it. She's in jail and I could bail her out in 45 minutes but I know she is safe there and she can't get into more trouble than already has. Just my 5 cents.

I'm also curious how one can tell if the mania is wearing off or is peaking, if anyone knows please share the info.

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