Yes very sad. Thats why I feel as long as the contact isnt mean or nasty or threatening, and you are open to what may come next, it cannot hurt because we dont know what they are being told by our manic, unstable husband.
Okay, I will give a little input on this subject. The way I look at it, he is your husband. You don't have to walk on eggshells for him or for her. You are simply stating how you feel about the situation. I'm sure he already heard it, but you wanted her to know how you feel. That's okay. It won't matter how she takes it, it was just a cleansing for you. And that's okay. Her opinion is of no value anyway. A person who has been made aware that a person is married and plows ahead into a sexual relationship with them is one of two things. Either she is mentally ill, pathetic and hard up. Or, she is only a vulgar, disreputable woman who is led along by her sensuous desires, much like a pig with a ring in it's nose. Her conscience may be seared and she doesn't even know how horrible it is. Your husband obviously while manic..fits in the same categories. Mental illness is so horrible. And hypersexuality as a manic action lends a very distorted view of what is right or wrong during inappropriate behavior..to the person who is in an episode at that moment. My husband was totally out to lunch. When he finally recuperated enough from his mania, he explained to me that he knew he had engaged in the inappropriate behavior. He knew it was wrong NOW, but at the time he had no conscience about it. He was aware that I would be mad about it, so he knew to be quiet about it. He did say and do some things first by contacting her on facebook, but she took the ball and ran with it. I felt sorry for her in the very beginning and told him he had done wrong to her too. He never initiated any contact to her after that. She told me that. He didn't initiate anymore. But she did. She continued to secretly contact him at his work for 1/2 a year nearly afterward. I no longer felt any empathy for her. I pondered this over a very long period of time, as alot of people here on mdj know. I wondered how a person could disrespect themself so much that they would continuously sniff around like a nasty dog in an alley after another person, with only the thought of sex on their mind. I wondered what went on in the mind of a person who was driven by their sexual impulses. It was so odd to me. Still is. My husband was mentally ill, chemically imbalanced, unmedicated, in episode....that's an explanation for turning around in your belief systems tee-totally, although it isn't an excuse for poor choices. My husband will tell you that. He doesn't expect to be excused from the responsibility of his behavior he perpetrated on people by his selfish choices, no matter what his reason was. However, he does recognize and respect the fact that mania will take a person places they never meant to go and hold them there until they either crash from the mania or get medicated/hospitalized or something. He never meant to hurt anyone. He is a christian too. He hates infidelity. He was wild when he was a very young man, but he hasn't been in over a quarter of a century. We've been married nearly 30 years and he never conducted himself inappropriately with another woman PRIOR to his mania....and upon beginning to come out of the mania....he dropped the ow like a hot potato (her complaint to me...lol ) He was mortified by his manic behavior and tried to even kill himself. He grew up with a mother who suffered uncontrollably with bipolar and schizophrenia. In his depressive episode that began after the crash from mania...his logic was that I would be better off without him...the world would be better off without him...he was crazy...he was sick...he didn't want to live out the life he had witnessed with his mother all his life. He had suspected he was ill for years and years, but never expressed that to me. He fought a good fight, but as he got older his brain got more and more messed up. Probably due to being unmedicated and enduring so many hypomanic/depressive episodes throughout his life. People say they tend to get worse with age, especially without treatment. My husband was 52 when he fell into the full-blown episode in 2010. He could walk, talk, smile, laugh, work, play, and do all kinds of normal looking things. Meanwhile, he lied, drank beer ALOT (never normally does), quit eating much, lost 25 lbs about in a short period, made illogical decisions, caused financial calamity in our family, made inappropriate remarks to other people, had grandiose thoughts while making plans for a big Florida trip and inviting others along for an all-expense paid vacation (including their hotels/food/etc. He vascilated between being clean and handsome and looking like a waif who had been drug through a brush heap backwards. He was irritable with me because I tried to get him to listen to me. He was embarrassing himself publically and didn't even realize it at the time. That's where I see your husband in all this, sweet friend. Your husband will wake up one day and be mortified by this nightmare of his own making. He is bipolar in mania? He's out of his mind. He's out to lunch. He can walk and talk and move freely in society. He will get away with it until he crosses lines with each person he is in contact with. It's ashame that the other woman won't back off because she is adding to the difficulty by giving him someone who will rally with him in his irrational thinking. See, you represent a person who is trying to constrain him. It seems like thre is always at least one person an individual with bipolar mania will be focused and mad at. My husbnd's mama was always mad at "someone" when in episode. Sometimes it was her husband, or my husband, and once she even put a warrant out for my arrest. It was so embarrassing. We lived in a small town and when I became aware of it, I went down to the police station. They had tossed it into a basket, not even going to act on it. They had dealt with her for years. The day she came in and insisted they write it up, she had sweat broke out all over her face and was just really messed up by that point. I didn't understand bipolar, or any mental illness really. I knew it all existed but I just thought she was inconsiderate and ruining my life. I wish I had known everything I do now. I did recognize she was mentally ill.
We all have different tolerance levels. If you are through and cannot take it anymore, then I understand totally why you have to leave. I also want to add this, though. Other people do not understand bipolar disorder and especially the things done while manic. You will receive all sorts of "advice" from others, but you must make all the decisions of whether you stay with your husband or never come back. You have to make these decisions and be strong and not be influenced by outside forces. The world doesn't understand mental illness, alot don't believe in it. If your husband isn't violent or abusive and he finally comes out of his mania, he may try to contact you. At that point he will need to get into a pdoc immediately and be medicated. His attitude would need to be one of remorse and taking totally responsibility for his actions.
Like I said, the other woman is fueling the mania right now. When you leave, if your husband is in episode...he will need to find someone else to project his pain and blame onto. It will probably be her. If you do leave, it will probably be best for you to lay low and not communicate with him much. Perhaps he will begin to come down and have some lucid days. You will maybe hear from him then. I think it was good for you to get things off your chest. You were very nice in your delivery of the information to her. She would have gotten alot worse from most people. She probably hasn't even got any conscience about these things, though. And like others say, she may enjoy the energy and a feeling of control to be able to upset you. I think that's one reason the other woman kept contacting my husband all those months besides just being a person devoid of any morals. We tend to think all people know right from wrong. I use to think that, but now I realize that while things are very black and white to me...others have smudged the line and live in the gray. But they aren't happy. They laugh and party and run around with inflated opinions of themselves...but when the party's over and the music has died, and the reality of life comes in......they are left only with the truth of their twisted lives. Once again......
Well said Lollipop! We all ebb and flow out of these relationships--It is so hard enough to be married and then have to be married to a person with mental illness. It takes a special person and as I keep hearing from my mother "he" doesn't give us as much as we can handle. It is good to set stands and boundaries but it is important to take care of you I hope the forum and group help you just vent and seek some clarity.
When my husband left last year he was hanging out with women all the time, I confronted her one night when I went looking for him, they were playing hacky sack in a parking lot. I went right to her and said you know he is married right, she left. The next night the two of them had a good laugh at my expense. He was busy telling her how controlling and awful I was. He told her he needed her help to stay away from me because he always comes back to me and then it just happens again, lol. I can laugh about it now cause in a way he is right, he always comes back. He has had a few Manic episodes were I became the enemy and he does come back but not the way he made it out to be. Anyway they did not see it that way. He made her his savior in a sense. We are back together now and the one thing that bugs me is that I never really had a chance to tell her how I felt. All I got out was you know he is married right, but I never had the chance to tell her how I felt and I have regretted it. I do think women take part of the blame when they cheat with a married man, really what kind of women does that, when they know they have kids. It is wrong. Some people have no morals and don't care, like the one I have dealt with and it may be the same for you. But at least you can say and feel now that you have done your part to let her know that she played a part in the breakup of your family and that things were not all bad like he may be telling her. I say if it makes you feel better then you should do it, but just know like married said it might go the other way, she may be that cruel and heartless, so guard yourself.
03/28/2012 07:25 AM
Posts: 3690 Group Leader
I think your e-mail is a work of art, too. With that being said, I would cut off all contact with her, and keep contact with your husband very, very limited, at least for the time being. She sounds like a heartless, soulless person who doesn't deserve one ounce more of your attention. BTW: I had a similar experience with my ex's mistress. I won out, though. I moved on and made a success of my life. Last I heard, she had not. And the "love of my life" affair she had with my husband? It died a few years later. Thankfully, he put his life back together and moved on, too.
Focus on taking care of you and your children. Therapy after you move is a great idea. Please take care of yourself, and come here to vent as often as you need to.
03/28/2012 07:45 AM
Posts: 51 Member
Thank you all for the heartfelt and thoughtful replies. Lolli, thank you so much for telling it like is. I will definitely take your advice about no contact when I move. You are absolutely right about the whole situation. Also,there are a lot of parallels in our story. My husband also lost 25 lbs. in a short period time and caused major financial calamity on the family. We received a sizeable settlement from a car accident last year and now it is all gone. He blew through $25K over the first month of mania and another $25k in 3 weeks so he could set up his new life. His mother was also bipolar and probably schizo as well. She abandoned him multiple times from the time he was 3 months old with each manic episode. She would come back, get her life together, stop abusing drugs and then she would start up again and leave with no warning. She finally came back for one last time when he was 9, just to die of AIDs several weeks later. He also endured sexual abuse at the age of 3. He has had a really tough life. But life since he has been with me has been the most stability he ever had. We've been together for 13 years since he was 17. That's why this all hurts so much. I don't only think of my pain, I think of his. I think of him regressing to a hectic and unstable life and what that will do to him in the long run. This woman has no clue who she is involved with.
I did feel that she had to know how I was feeling and be aware of her part in all of this. My husband went manic several times over the last few years and left me for another woman once before. At that time I had a conversation with the OW and I never got to tell her how I felt or all of the pain and destruction that she caused. I regretted not doing that. I was so shell-shocked by her vulgarity and lack of compassion at that time that I froze and just told her to leave my husband alone, to which she replied, "I don't have to and I will always be in his life!" It was an angry confrontation and it ended in anger with no true closure. She didn't stay in his life. He dumped her once he crashed. It was an awful time and he carried that guilt for many years. He missed the last few months of my pregnancy then and was still manic when I gave birth, so bad that he called his OW as soon as my son was born to tell her about my labor. It was a heartbreaking and traumatic time for me. He went manic a few times since then but he didn't leave me and it never involved infidelity, at least not that I know of. He would have all of the other symptoms but the one thing he couldn't bring himself to do again was cheat. But this woman now, she worked with him back home and although he moved to another state with us last year, she continued to text message him and send him love emails and youtube videos. She is very persistant.
I know this email might not make a difference to her or him, but it has to me. After sending that e-mail I felt a major release of emotions. I feel like now everyone knows where they stand in this situation and if they choose to continue down a destructive path, it's between them and God. I miss my husband and I love him dearly. I needed to convey that. I also wanted to appeal to her human side if she has one. I wanted to represent my kids, who are innocent in all of this and may never get an opportunity to plead their case. I just think, if it were me on the other end and I received that email, I would have serious doubts about continuing in the relationship. But I know that may not be the case with her and she may try to hurt me. I am taking those chances for the greater good.
I move out on Saturday and I am feeling better about my future. I have had an outpouring of love and support from my family and friends. The kids are excited to go back home to their cousins and aunts and uncles. They need the space from this insanity too. I am blessed to have the ability to up and move and the opportunity to start fresh. I know a lot of the spouses on here don't have that option and are suffering daily. My heart goes out to all of you and I am praying that you all find some peace in each day that will carry you through the next one.
I am really glad I joined this site. Thank you all again for being so supportive.
03/28/2012 08:10 AM
Posts: 86 Member
Your email would certainly impact on me if I ever turned that evil and I'm glad to know it made you feel better!! I too keep thinking about emailing my husbands mistress to let her know what she's done to me and our children and am also leaving in just 10 days (and counting) and will be back with my family and friends. As soon as I'd made the decision to leave I could eat and sleep again knowing I wouldn't have to live the crazy life. We have to look after ourselves and our children first and just hope that one day our SO's will be in the right place to become part of the family again. I really do hope yours does soon.
03/28/2012 08:52 AM
Posts: 936 Member
Hi Will, I read your story and I feel your pain and feel your frustration with you. This situation is so hard! You have taken the high road. If I were in your shoes I would have written a letter like that too. I am glad you feel a lil bit better for it. I also feel the same way about both parties being responsible. She knew he was married and that is the most important thing. other aspects are very important too but she choose to hook up with a married man. you and we know what bp mania does to our loved ones minds and why they might choose make hurtful decisions.
I have learned thru reading these perpectives. Although I have not experienced this situation...When I was young while my husband I are were only dating I encountered a woman's behavior that surprised me. I had to go out of town for other reasons and bc it was a pretty long period of time we agreed to date other ppl if we wanted to.
When I returned to town my hubby proposed. We knew that we wanted to be committed. However, lol this chick that he briefly dated came over a few times. Granted my hub broke up with her in an appropriate timeframe before my return and he told her about me etc. I have to admit I let him shew her away the first time but the second time I handled it. I tried to be polite and that she was not welcome to come over again. On the third time, I was not polite. So I am wondering also? she knew he had moved on but I guess she thought that didnt matter. same idea, the OW didnt mind he was married?
married and dating are two totally dif things.
I hope writing that email made you feel a lil better on a situation that you didnt choose.
Like the others I pray for you happiness in your new place. I hope the transition is not too hard for you and your family. I hear strengh in your words.I bet your children feel that too. (your strengh) you will make it thru this. hang in there. I wish I had something more encouraging to say. This hurts. I hear you. keep posting.
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