I hope so, I just spoke to him he told me again for the millionth time he is never coming back to me doesnt love me the way I deserve to be loved, or the way he wants to love, I asked him if he loved OW like that and he said that was a question he wasnt gonna answer, ever. He mentioned divorce saying something about it not being financially viable right now, I asked repeatedly if thats what he wanted he didnt or wouldnt say one way or the other. Just kept saying he had been miserable for ages, etc. I told him it was not an option AT ALL for me, he told me I needed to let him go emotionally. Advice???????? This hurts way way to much.
I know how you are feeling, I have been told over and over again by him to move on he doesn't love me anymore. It SO hard to know what the truth is. I love him, so I'll hang on for as long as I can. If you love him stay strong for you and him, the better mental health we ourselves are in the more we can help them when and if they want it. If they don't then we will come out of this that much stronger from keeping our mental health safe. I wish I had an answer for you just as much as I had an answer for myself. And hope one day he see's that that OW is nothing close to what you have to offer.
Hemhide7, I know you are hurting, the words from him must have cut like a knife. If I were you, I would call his bluff, I would file for divorce or separation, make him pay support, make him come to reality that he just cannot walk away from a wife and kids without paying the price. He is living a cushy life with this OW whom you say has $, so let him pay for his past or her, but someone needs to pay. It just isn't fair, he says he wants you to move on, so that would involve filing yourself and getting support for you and your kids. I really think this might knock some reality into his fantasyland he is living in, something has to. Don't worry about making him angry, because they don't stay mad long I found with my husband.
I feel your pain, but you will feel better if you take control of the situation, you really will. Remember what is started, can always be stopped, but it might get someones attention not to mess with your emotions any longer.
I think I would do it anyway. Doesn't mean that's how you really feel, it just means that you don't have to take someone treating you like this. Maybe just starting the paper work will be as far as it goes.
I think you need to do what you feel like you are ready for, if your not there yet I'm sure you will one day. Or he might come around. Everyone tells me I need to move on, need to date. I'm nit there yet, but I am open to talking to people and getting myself out there. ONLY to prove a point. To him, and my self that it doesn't have to end with him. Although I am crying myself to sleep begging for it to end with only him, to grow old together. He doesn't know that. Right now I'm content with bugging the crap out of you guys, while letting him see that I care and love him. But am ok to move on, and that I do have options. I kept my dating site profile up, nit interested in one person on there. But I wasn't going to crawl away while he lived it up on that site. It kills me, but I hope it opens his eyes a little.
Don't know if I'm giving good advise or not, so anyone feel free to jump in and put me in my place.
03/28/2012 01:27 PM
Posts: 3933 Group Leader
Then just file for separation because you need the support money tell him. Like I said before, anything that is started can be stopped just as easy. Of course it is up to you, I just know that as soon as I took control of this situation, I felt better about things and things turned around for me. Nothing changes if nothing changes.... I hate to read you hurting so much, I really do and I think he believes you will be there forever, so he is being really selfish and taking advantage of your big heart.
03/28/2012 09:00 PM
Posts: 513 Member
He will also continue taking advantage of your big heart until you stop letting him. I fought and had my other life for 10 years while my wife never left my side and caught me every time I fell. She discovered MDJ in 2010 and took everyone's advice, and I saw she wasn't BS'n about moving on when I would talk to her or see her. In my case though I had made sure the SSI money I get for my girls went to my wife. It was a reality check for me though, especially when It came that time of month for my money. It made me think about my girls.
All of his emotions have triggers right now, it's just finding the right ones. It sounds to me as if he is toying with you in a BP sick way. Telling you on the phone he doesn't love you the way the way you deserve to be loved, saying he's been miserable for ages. Those are the EXACT same things I used to say to my wife...Thing's like, "I'm not good enough for you, please let me go(emotionally), just learn to hate me. So I did things to try and make her hate me, but deep down(when I was well)I love her to death. So every time I heard her say come back, I miss you, I just want you back home etc... It was like telling someone you love them, in a sick way I fed off of that and it made me feel safer knowing she was still their waiting on me. Especially when I heard "I love you" it hurt me to hear sometimes, yet made my safety net that much stronger.
So in my case, having to pay child support every month was a trigger for me. So was hearing those words and knowing I was free to do whatever because she was still there waiting. So for me, after I stopped getting the reassurance from her and I knew I was on my own emotionally and financially, I knew I was in trouble. How long do you really think he'll be able to hide his ugly side from OW. His money becomes less, he looks like a mooch to her after awhile. Take action, I at least paid my child support w/o asking, looks like a deadbeat dad to those who know also I'm sure, I'd tell everyone he doesn't pay any. Sorry so harsh, I come from a split home, but now I'm also a husband and Father, "Daddy" that is. I'd sure want some money if my wife up and left.:-/
Post edited by: hooba, at: 03/28/2012 09:04 PM
03/29/2012 09:11 AM
Posts: 3229 VIP Member
Hemhide, I understand the difficulty. I had to take the steps myself. I have filed a separation and started the divorce process. I am also cutting off all of my financial help. It kills me that I had to do that, but I had to show her I was serious. At this point, she does not seem to care, but I am sure when she no longer has money to go out and "live life” and the OM does not pony up the cash either, then it might slam some reality into her world. I don't want to Divorce, but I have to show her I don't bluff either. I pray every hour of every day that she comes out of this before everything is official. I have also been struggling to come to terms with the other two options. 1. That she never comes back, or 2. That if she recovers after the divorce is final, but wants to work on the Bipolar for real (Following doctors orders on meds exactly, no fudging it. No Drinking. Sleeping and eating regularly. Seeing the doctor on a regular basis) that we can rebuild things. There does not have to be a piece of paper saying we are together. But illness or no illness. I am not paying for her to sleep with another man in our bed.
Hooba, I am so glad that you are here as well. My wife said those same exact things to me. "I told you I was bad for you" "I am not good enough for you" "I have been unhappy with you for a long time". You give me hope that it is the illness, and not the woman.
I am hoping and praying for the best, but preparing for the worst.
03/29/2012 04:18 PM
Posts: 935 Member
The words I heard was "it kills me that I'm the reason you hurt" I can't take it."
So somewhere deep down I know he loved me but that nasty bp hijacked him and prevented him from processing it.
Our problem was that I told him that "if I make you so mad, then just leave! You will realize soon enough that you are mad anyhows."
"I'm not going anywhere" cuss words included!
"I'm not going anywhere I pay the damn rent!"
So there we were. I wasn't abt to leave and change everything for me and the kids and he wasn't either. He didn't get drunk or anything or maybe I wld have changed my tune. Days later the boys (first time for them) and I confronted him. I think he was already crashing...but agreed to ask pdoc abt meds.
Crisis diverted. Whew! Still not easy but he's not raging.
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