Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

Reality check:

It is completely unreasonable for your husband to tell you that he could take 15 days or two years to resolve his issues. Your life is supposed to go on hold?

Don'r hide anything from your therapist. See what s/he says!!!!

Post edited by: marriedtoit, at: 05/28/2012 11:24 PM

She said that a year is rational.

Only within the past week or so, has my husband been able to talk without getting angry. I am wondering if he is coming down from the mania. I remember when he was coming down from his first psychotic episode, he still had some irrational or lacking insight kind of thoughts after he came home. Within a month, he was laughing at some of the things he was saying. Of course this time can be different, since I have NO idea if he is taking any medication, however...his tone is calm and kind versus grumpy now. He wrote in an email that he feels really fragile nowadays, especially since he realizes how much debt he went into. I am not sure regarding all of his feelings, etc, however, I would guess that he is just realizing the damage that his untreated illness had caused. However, I am not sure if he accepts his illness yet or he actually just thinks he was EXCITED.

Since all I have heard since December is his agitation, anger, etc...there is something calming to have 3 phone calls without that anymore. Before it was one call that was okay, the next one...him getting upset. Now, each call is calm.

Does it seem like he is coming down from the mania?

Post edited by: erinlove, at: 05/28/2012 11:48 PM

Post edited by: erinlove, at: 05/28/2012 11:49 PM

Reality check: If your therapist says a year is rational - then I don't think that your therapist is very rational.

Possible he may be coming down from the mania, although I am certainly no expert. My husband has never been in a full blown mania.

It sounds to me(as a person with BP1) that he is giving you just enough information, or "kind" talking, to keep you hanging around. You have no clue as to what is really going on with him while he is in Korea. Don't forget, PLEASE, that BP people can be VERY manipulative, intentional or not, to others. How can you be sure he is not just playing you and just feeding you enough BS to keep you hanging around? All this I say because I have been the person who manipulated anyone and everyone only to benefit myself. Only to later realize what I had done and the people I had hurt in the process.

I also agree with Wornout, any Tdoc who would tell you it is reasonable to just hang around for a year while he decides if he wants a life with you is absurd. It sounds to me like your love and devotion for him has put up huge blinders around your eyes. What would you tell your child or sibling if they told you they were being told these things?

All this I say out of kindness and looking out for your best interest and sanity. Please consider what you are saying. I wouldn't tell anyone to wait even a month or two for their SO to determine whether or not they want to be with them. That should be something their heart should know without having to think about it at all. Like the saying goes though, "love can be blind", is this the case maybe?

I know BP can cause the mind to mess with the individual, but 15 days, 15 months or 15 years? That to me is just very irrational beyond a point of BP, sounds more like he is questioning the relationship, not his illness. I really do hope everything works out for you, but please heed the people on this forums advice, they are very wise and know a lot about how BP works. I know a good bit about how the BP mind thinks, this just doesn't sound "normal", so to say. Please take care and quit torturing yourself.

Thank you for all your comments. I agree with you all.

Any suggestions as to what I can say to him. I also think its too long. Could this be his other condition, schizoaffective disorder?

This is the email that my husband sent me on the weekend.

Thx for emails...

I can't go to Canada, now.

1. I have to finish my contract, apt contract, utilities, cell phone, debt...

2. I want to prove that I can be successful in my country.

3. I prefer to live here than Canada, NOW.

Please do not ask me to return to Canada again.

I will return when Im ready.

I really am having hard time, leave me alone.

You can visit here anytime, but I cant because I cant afford and have not enough vacation...I realized that I was too excited for 4 months and Im suffering from that. I have been changed. I do not go out and drink anymore. I want to focus on my job ( maybe 2 job, soon), debt.

I'm very fragile now, leave me ALONE!

Sorry...

I am sorry you received this letter from him, it hurts when your loved one pushes you away. It sounds like he just doesn't want to face anything with you right now. He could be untruthful when he says he wants to work on debt, you just never know with them. His note doesn't sound manic right now, but that could be to throw you off too.

I would act as if the letter were true, get on with what you need to do. Do what is in your heart and protecting it at the same time.

Sounds like he thinks he has you exactly where he wants you....waiting on the sidelines for him to tell you what you guys are going to do and when that will happen. My outlook on the disorder (since I joined this group) would make me respond in a very not so nice way. Personally, I would let him know that I wish him luck in his life without me there. I would also tell him that he should live where he feels most comfortable and that you are not waiting around for him to decide when it's time to come to Canada. YOU are having a really hard time as well and are just as fragile, if not more than he is due to HIS illness.

It's so ridiculous what we let them do to us emotionally. Sometimes it's better to just ignore them and come here to vent. I didn't say it was easy. But, he will get the message when you are not readily available for him only when it's convenient for him. Listen to him and give him what he wants!!! Leave him ALONE!! See what happens then...

I only say this after going through the pleading with my husband (hooba) for way too long when he would get manic. I'm ashamed of the person I was to let him have so much control over my emotions. Once I told him things that even I didn't believe, it all seemed to fall into place. That was the best decision I ever made.