Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

I am sorry, I am really new to posting.

I am a non-Korean Canadian married to a Korean man. Last November he had a psychotic episode and was in the hospital here in Canada for two weeks. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 1 and schizoaffective disorder. We had decided to return to South Korea last November 2011. As soon as we arrived in Korea, his family had told him to stop taking his medication. He started telling people that he was a CEO, etc, etc. He managed to get a $7000 business loan, however he drank it away within 3 weeks. We had a crisis plan, however those people in Korea were in total denial. They kept saying how incredibly confident my husband was...NO he was or still is manic.

I am trying to find a way to sum this up...

I had to leave our apartment and stay with a total stranger in Seoul. During this time, he kept saying that he was going to put me in the hospital...because he was in the hospital in Canada. I had to return to Canada for my safety.

To sum things up, my husband relapsed in his country, he is getting no treatment...he was screaming divorce...but now he texts me and says there is a 50/50 chance that he will return to Canada. I may have texted him or emailed him a million times.

I seriously don't know what to do. I have been married to my husband for 10 years. Now, I am almost like a ghost to them. I am nobody...they don't call or even email me.

Post edited by: erinlove, at: 03/17/2012 01:05 AM

erin, welcome to the group!

In honest truth, none of us knows if he will come home.

It is so tragic when their families are in denial!

Is he on meds? Is he seeing a psychiatrist?

Post edited by: erinlove, at: 03/17/2012 12:24 AM

Post edited by: erinlove, at: 03/17/2012 12:44 AM

I'm sorry erin. I heard you say you guys had a plan. Location and others denial were involved in the plan failure. Darn. 10 years to figure out some stuff...gone.

Well, I don't have any experience in the part where our bpso crash at the very bottom and find themselves looking up to get well. If I had a memory I wld tell u who they are. One member had a manic so who ran away after cocaine but found his way back willing to work on stability. There are a few others too that at sometime their bpso wanted help. Then there are some where their partner ended up in the hospital/treatment and wanted to be well. Unfortunately there are many that it didnt end back together or a desire to be well.

You have some obstacles that are diff than most. International location is a biggie. PLEASE educate my ignorance and if I am not polite know I don't mean it. We have a cultural difference here and I believe that's an important factor . Codependency is no respector of persons. All cultures deal with that. I'm thinking "he's my son, of course I will help him no matter what" that is a whole planet problem. Please explain Korean family culture and how it relates to conventional Western medicine. Is it old fashion ignorance for me to assume: man is leader in the home. Momma is respectfully quiet in decision making matters? Momma is fierce protector and Lover of her children? (Btw this is me and I'm regular old caucasian american female).

If so you might have a chance to talk to momma abt omega fish oils. It is proven as a stabilizer. For some. Do you have a communication barrier? Are you fluent or is her English fluent?

I have tried to be encouraging Erin, but you have a lot of things stacked against your healthy marriage and I predict this is going to hurt a lot before it gets better or not better. YOU MUST find some support. Friend, family, counselor, preacher, or somebody to talk logically with. If you read our posts, no matter gender, faith, or location, we have all been lovingly "weak" and wish we had known better or stood our ground. When we compromise on what we now know is not healthy, it prolongs hurt and is not beneficial to either party. Erin you have a WHOLE OCEAN in your way. Grab somebody you love and hold on for this emotional tsunami on its way. Eventually you'll be able to let go, stand up, and look around. Post here. That is why we are here. We know what it is like to love someone with bp. All different kinds of obstacles too. Nothing is impossible until it becomes impossible and we realize it.

This part sucks. Mania sucks. Ignorant enablers exasperate. You will make it thru this. We will help as far as we can. Notice this forum listens, trys to understand, and we virtual hug all the time. Nobody gets tired of hugs when you are hurting.

Hang in there. Day by day. You can do it!

Oh boy.... Korean culture is difficult to deal with.

Both me and my ex are Korean, but I'm Americanized and my ex is very much in touch with our culture. Anyway, I'll try to somewhat explain a little about the culture from my experiences. I could be wrong about some of it.

This culture tends to be "man oriented." Is your husband the first son of the main branch? That would explain a lot of why they would be in denial about his mental health. Also, while there are rules to abide by in order not to be an embarrassment, drinking is part of the culture. Does he drink alone? Because if he drank with others, that would explain why he blew through that money. In most situations, it's considered rude to turn down a drink, especially if an elder poured it for you. You also want to be the one who pays usually. A sign of social status. However, it's also bad for someone who is bipolar to drink obviously so it's tricky.

Overall, Koreans tend to be a bit arrogant and proud. Stubborn and very worried about social status and what others think of them. My ex's mother constantly lied to everyone about my ex, saying he was off studying to be some big time doctor or something... when really he was still at home and at the time was in mechanic school. It was hard because he had to lay low constantly so no one would see him. Of course, she is a strange lady and their family is pretty high ranking in the Korean community so that might have some to do with it.

Does your husband have any family where you are? Or are they all in Korea? You might have a better chance with communicating with a "Canadianized" family member versus the family in Korea. What about any of his friends? Do any of them know his situation? If you are not already, I suggest finding a good therapist for yourself to talk to.

Post edited by: rainflower, at: 03/17/2012 09:49 AM

Thank you for your responses. He has no family here in Canada. He says a lot of things, but I am not sure what is true and what is not true. Today, I feel all that I can do is re-establish myself again, since we sold everything to go to Korea. I don't want to be codependent on him, so I need to give more space, which is hard, but I have to try harder. My family says that it makes no sense to guess or speculate what is going on with him in his country. Who knows, he could be in the hospital, but not telling me.

He can't hold a conversation on the phone...he starts screaming. However, through email and texting he says that maybe he will return to Canada this year. What he writes and what he says are two different things.

How can I be supportive and understanding for him and for me?

I find the best thing you can do is focus on yourself and get yourself in a good place. He may or may not come back, you just never know. You cannot put your life on hold for him. Get yourself settled so if he does come back, you are strong enough to demand he go back on his medication. Don't give him any power over you.

I have the "don't believe til I see it" policy. My ex says and does two different things. Til his actions match his words, I believe his actions. They are not well, you cannot make sense out of something that is not built off of logic.

I had met with his father about week before I left. He is bankrupt and his wife (my husbands mom passed away ten years ago and his father remarried) told my friend (translator) that she is leaving him. She constantly called my husband in Canada complaining about his father. We visited Korea two summers ago, were again she complained about his father. She said that his father has nothing and that he hasn't made an effort to financially help himself. She said that he has completely depended on her, even that trip into Seoul, she had to pay for it. They did take my husband to see a psychiatrist. Before I left, I spoke to that psychiatrist, who said that he did give my husband an anti-psychotic, however he was asked if he could speak to him alone. The psychiatrist said that my husband didn't want his family to know what kind of medication he was taking. However, the step-mother said that she had to pay for everything...the trip to Seoul, the doctor, etc.

My husband says that now he is no longer seeing a doctor

Post edited by: erinlove, at: 03/17/2012 11:16 AM

He has admitted that he had an episode. My family says to give it time, because he is not used to having to support himself 100% alone. A few weeks ago, he was saying how wonderful his new life is, however now he is saying that his job is not that great. Before it was..."I am never returning to Canada," now he is texting "maybe" he will return this year. He texted me a few weeks ago saying "I am so upset, I lost my wallet."

I don't know what a crash looks like, because he was so open and independently taking care of his health in Canada. He would take himself to the doctor, vocational worker, ESL for mental health consumers class, etc. He took his medication and he was really responsible about taking care of himself.

However, last year, while is was recovering, he suddenly took on all these Korean students...he volunteered to teach them English. However, within two weeks, he lost complete interest. I wonder if this is happening now.