Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

Thanks, wife. I try not to think about it, but it creeps in sometimes. I know that my husband and I are both very aware of what to look for and I am very grateful that he feels comfortable talking to me about the bad things. As long as we can keep the communication going then I know that we will be fine. I like to think that we are going to be great!! We are a wonderful team and we fight to win. I know that time will ease my worries.

I think all of us have deep things inside us...worries about the what if's. If you will all bear with me, I want to share some things that have happened in my own life and deep inside me since the bad episode my hubby had.

When everything happened in 2010, I was a loving wife, mother of 3, grandmother...daughter, friend...extremely happy go lucky, acoording to the description of most people. I rarely had a verbal altercation with my husband, and never a physical one. I trusted beyond belief and would have taken a bullet for my husband. He was my one true love, the man I respected. Father of my children, provider, lover, playmate, counselor, encourager and a million other good things. When he fell into the mania that led him to act out so badly in 2010, I became disappointed. Vinny, disappointment for me is the "switch turning off". I'll be honest with you...I was scared. Scared my life with my love was over. It hurt me that I thought he didn't love me, but it scared me to think I might not ever get over things. I knew in my heart that as much as I was reeling from the pain and having difficulty not beating him over the head with my tongue...I knew it wouldn't be fair to make him pay for what he did FOREVER. I knew that I had to find a place where I could stop the spinning in my mind and think things through. I'm different than some folks. When I am really hurt, I don't talk. I do eat. Some people are the opposite. Anyway, I became almost like a recluse for months and months. Probably close to 8 to 10 months. I joined mdjunction finally in August of that year and that was probably my first launching out to others. I started in the bipolar forum. I wasn't as interested in hearing what other people (like us) thought. I needed to hear from people with the disease. I needed some explanations that my "flat affect" bp, schizo husband was unable to give or express. They weren't insulted by me, but rather came in and showered me with kindness, patience and loads of explanations for his behavior. I can't tell you how many people w/bipolar have contacted me...the ones who have hypersexuality as a manic action...the ones who have successfully healed from an affair...and the very much larger group of those who never did heal. Most still struggle and those who have tired...have moved on. All I wanted was flicker of hope. And I got it. I was emotionally about to throw in the towel when I finally began to understand things. Who knows? Maybe I wouldn't have struggled so seriously for so long if my husband had come clean in the beginning and told me every little thing. My personality requires it. But it trickled in...little by little for over a year. Pain on the installment plan. So the switch was flipped. Next, just like Beth...FEAR gripped me. Had I wasted 27 1/2 years????? Lived a lie???? No hope now for my future???? I saw how his mama lived her life!!!! Now this???? Hmmmm, what about our kids and grandkids???? What was going to happen??? What would people think???? What were people thinking???? Should I even care???? If I say I don't care...I'm lying. All of it matters to me. What is the answer to all of these questions? On and on, my head was in a spin. I was licking my wounds and ready to lash out at my husband if he even looked at me cross-eyed. I worried for the longest time, innerglow, if it would happen again. The what-if's started coming at me hot and heavy. I began to act different. I lashed out. I raged. I fought. I sulked. I slept. I ignored. I hated. I wasted time....I sat around staring. I was depressed. So deeply depressed. Probably clinically depressed. But I didn't get any help...at least not for 8 months. Barking....I wondered as you do....What did I ever do to him to deserve this treatment? Why didn't he love me? How could he treat me this way? How could he disrespect our relationship this way? How could he totally turn his back on his OWN belief systems? How could he morph into an idiot on the turn of a dime? On and on...questions that really had no good answer. Mania induced stupidity. Hmmmm.

I went to see a counselor and then I later went to see another one. Second opinion on my pain. (Short convo between Lolli and Counselor) "

Yup, Lolli, you're hurtin'!!

"Will things ever change?"

"They can get better...but he's gonna have to stay on his medicine."

"Will I ever forget this?"

"No, but it'll dull in yer memory..."

"Was he really ill?"

"Yup, he's definitely mentally ill...."

Psychosis they called it. I had alot more questions than listed here. They had alot more answers that were just repeating basically the above...He was sick...it'll take time....he was sick....you will heal, eventually, but it'll take time to get there....etc. Then some suggestions for how to "get there"... I followed them. MY LIFE ROCK. Positive self-affirmations. Truth. Time. My husband's continued quest for stabiity, interest in attaining and obtaining that...total transparency between us...him starting at square one on trust issues....and him WILLINGLY taking his place in square one.

My counselor challenged me to look at it for what it was. A manic episode that interrupted our life. I was hurting so badly. So was my husband.....immediately upon coming down from the mania. No conscience while in mania. Difficult to watch. Harder to stomach. Sickening.

It's been 25 months now since initial onset of his mania that rocked our world. I've come far. I've changed though.

The facts I take away with me from this experience are: My husband will be sick for the rest of his life, unless God miraculously heals him. He must stay on meds. He must go to the pdoc. He could have another major full-blown mania again.....He may or may not act out the same way if he does fall into full mania again.

The fears I take away with me from this experience are: He may hurt me again. BOTTOM LINE. THAT'S ALL. That's the full extent of my list of fears. No matter what he does to me...my only true fear is to be hurt again by him.

I said I've changed though. And I have. I use to think I could maybe do something or say something that would change my husband while manic or help him to NOT conduct himself in a certain way or not. I realize now that I CANNOT. He has to work his program for stability. I can pray for him. And I do. What I DO have some control over is how I view things now. I realize my importance and self-worth is not defined by my husband. He loves me but he's human and the potential for a human who is mentally ill to hurt me is great. So I speak the truth to myself and I know I have to look for any good I can see from the VERY MANIC EPISODE THAT HURT ME SO BADLY. I hate it. I wish it never happened. But it did. So, what can I do to trade the bad in for something good? I've let my husband's manic episode teach me to love myself more. To realize people you love are still yet human and they can let you down at times. Especially when they have a brain chemical imbalance. I've learned to be more patient. I've learned to be kind to my husband when I feel frustration and anger. I've learned to be a little more discreet... I've learned that "I didn't do it..they did". (That may seem funny to some folks, but that was HUGE for me to realize...it wasn't my fault..I didn't have to assume any responsibility for those manic actions) I learned I had a choice to live life....or let it live me. I learned that no one can take away from me emotionally unless I give it to them. (Which I did regularly for quite awhile) I learned that if I look closely enough, I will see that I am a person of worth and that no matter how bleak things look, there is still goodness in this world and I can have a good life with or without my husband. I learned that my husband loves me and always has and is actually more bothered by the things he did than I was ever bothered by it. He's stable now. I know when he's unstable, he's rude. He's inconsiderate. Selfish. Self-seeking. Self-absorbed. But I know it's my choice to stay or leave. I've chosen to stay in this relationship because my husband is trying so hard to remain stable, and he's so sorrowful for the manic actions he did, and he loves me and our whole family desperately. I've grown alot as a person since the manic episode of 2010. I am already beginning to really trust my husband again. I think I was finally able to move forward in the trust issue when I realized that I know my choices....and my husband knows his choices...and we both know the repercussions of wrong choices...so let's just live life where we are now. If he breaks the trust, I'll handle it then. I cross that bridge when I come to it. If he hurts me again....I handle it then....I'll cross that bridge when it comes to me. Meanwhile, I keep watch and help my sweet husband. The man he really is. And every now and then when I feel those old hurtful feelings rise up inside of me, I'll walk down the painful path once again and remember all I've learned along the way. Today, I heard a quote from a book about a person who had been hurting for their own reasons in their life....they said, "Grief and joy danced together as if they had a right to..." Wow. That's where I am now. Finally. Grief for what happened. Joy that I'm not destroyed, and by God's grace I'm better...rather than bitter. Both Grief and Joy live within me and it's okay now. I take it one day at a time. I'll handle things as they come up. I pray they will be manageable. I understand I'm not in control of everything with bipolar disorder or the decisions my manic husband can make. But I reserve the right for the final call. And I feel freedom with that knowledge.

Post edited by: lollipop, at: 02/23/2012 03:00 PM

Lolli,

Thank you for your long and thoughtful inclusive post. It address so much what I feel, felt, and am working through.

So much of this is wrapped up in fear, uncertainty, and doubt. I know my wife never meant to do the things that she did. She did not mean to say the things she did nor did she mean to behave or put herself in a situation to be taken advantage of. She has lots of guilt and is still sorting out where she begins and BP ends.

I am hurt. I don't fear as much as I once did. I have come to terms, to some degree, with what has happened. I am much like lolli I need all the details - in my case I don't get those details. They are lost in the haze or recessed so deeply with a pain response that recalling it does more harm than good. My wife has collapsed into a ball enough times for me to know there is nothing more to gained there. Still... I have emotions that need to be sorted out and I am working towards that. Before the diagnosis I knew no better and assumed it was done "on purpose". I am still scarred from that and some of the excuses she used to defend herself - a stand that only lasted a few days before collapsing in spectacular confusion.

It is not personal. But it sure feels like it. We all have our thresholds. We must make those decisions. In my life I am choosing to stay. To love my wife. To have a family. To not give up. I also won't give up to my darkness cause damnit - i live once! Why let something bring me down? Why give a disease the ability to kill my soul? To erase all feelings and purpose? To destroy my relationship? No. Just no. For some, this is not an option - the disease ran away with our spouses a long time ago. But for me, for others, we fight through it not for them but for us. Because we won't lose everything as a result of a drive by disorder. We are in control of at least this - so we will.

This disease, I am convinced, does not affect their soul or their being. That core is there. My wife had someone have sex with her at 3am in a dark backyard while blind drunk. This is a trashy reality. But it was not her soul. A reality. It was her body being abused and stolen as her mind lost all reasoning and control. It was a tragic mess but it was not her, it was "fuck that husband of mine, I'm gonna go sleep with dude on a playset". It wasn't like that. Doesn't even remember it but knows "when it stopped" he had a codom an completed himself (becaus she assumes it must have been that bad - how fucked up is that thinking? To judge yourself harshly because someone took advantage of you?)

She knew immediately it was the wrong thing but "she was just a passenger on the bus". And that's what this disease is. A kidnapper. A hijacker. Steals out spouses. It's not them. Its their body but their souls and spirits are banging on the walls to get out - in a private little hell.

So I don't know some days. I run through the scenario a lot but to my own grief. Once I release that I am confident I can make it through - and it will happen. But I do also believe if I did not believe that to be true I would not stay. I would divorce. Cause I want my three sons to live in a life of joy and happiness. Even if that is with my wife and me in love with other people because a marriage that does not have love is a quiet slow death.

Justhurt

Post edited by: justhurt, at: 02/23/2012 04:54 PM

Post edited by: chuckels82, at: 05/14/2013 10:34 AM

I'm grieving the loss of my marriage now. I keep going back and forth between sadness and anger.

Yesterday someone reminded me of a happy time and it made me want to cry. He didn't realize that we had gotten divorced and mentioned that he remembered how crazy in love my xBPS was with me.

It's a healing process. Thanks everyone for sharing their stories of healing.

Thank you everyone. Each time we share our hidden feelings, grief, pain, hopes, and encouragement...we realize we are not alone. The commonalities in symptoms are so similar for our loved ones with bipolar. And the commonalities in emotions for all of us are so similar. Our desires, hopes for the future, fears...everything. We must never be afraid to come forward and confess openly when these monsters stir inside us or threaten and torment us. Share your dreams. Share your nightmares. Share your thoughts...even if immature. Share what is hard and it will become easier. I know this from experience. Love yourself. Love your spouse. Love the life you've been blessed with. Love your memories...they are sooooo precious to me. I think back over them during my difficult days and am reminded of sweeter and easier times. They are treasures to me. I pray and ask God to help me to be an overcomer and He is always faithful. I am energized once again. It's been a long road, a hard journey for my husband and I. Him working to become stable; he'd never experienced a mania like that before. It was huge. It was weird. It was so damaging, physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally....everything. But it's in our rearview now. Sometimes, we struggle with small triggers that remind us of the pain....but we are learning more and more how to handle it. I sailed through my calendar date triggers this year. Amazing. I knew you all were thinking of me. And that helped. Let's all be honest with one another always. And get everything out in the open about stuff so we can help each other. Here is a poem I wrote when I was at my saddest point in 2010, a poem of thanksgiving to a friend who helped me:

You

At a very low time in my life, my heart was full of pain and strife

You gently listened, showed compassion, and understanding

Watering the garden of my broken heart,

You—only you did this for me.

You quietly, softly, expressively make your thoughts known

But are always direct with your encouragement-- to follow my own.

You are peace-loving, kind, share everything good,

You—only you did this for me.

You have laughed with me, you have cried with me

You have prayed with me, and you have played with me.

You have given of your time, your joy, your discretion

You—only you did this for me.

I trust you, I believe in you, I see the real you

I care about you, I care what happens to you

I want to be your friend, too.

Because you—only you did this for me.

Thank you everybody for your posts on this thread. It is hard to admit our weaknesses, but the only way out of the pain is to go through it....(I think sallyo said this first, a long time ago).

Post edited by: lollipop, at: 02/23/2012 08:57 PM

Patientlove, you truly have been the most patient person I believe I've ever known when it comes to pouring yourself out for your spouse. You were an excellent wife and I'm so sorry for the pain you endured and continue to endure due to your deep love for your husband. Love your sweet memories, make new ones, and treasure them all. One day you will wake up and feel whole again. You will. It's coming. It may take awhile. But just know it is coming. There is a light for you, at the end of this tunnel. Kiss your baby for me! MWAH!!!

This is a great thread.

I appreciate the words and feelings shared here.

Thanks Lolli for this!

Justhurt I like this: because we won't lose everything as a result of a drive by disorder. We are in control of at least this - so we will.

'a drive by disorder"

So brilliant.

I lost the love of my life, my husband and best friend to the drive by disorder. Tonight my heart was brimming with sadness over my inability to change what has happened or change what is to come for my relationship with my husband. I can only move forward with myself, nothing else is in my hands. There is so much fear in that and so much responsibility, but I must do that.

I equate my husband's episode with a storm. I can almost hear the storm. It was just like a storm. A raging and violent storm that came upon his personality.

Being in my apartment, the place we moved to and he left me, still hurts so bad.

I almost want to run away from this space and FAST.

I feel so sad.

I love my husband. I really miss him.

I miss how much he believed in me. How much he adored what I said and how much he respected my opinion.

Those are exactly the things the storm stole from me overnight. He doesn't believe me, he dislikes me and he thinks my opinions are out to get him.

I pray for my husband every night. I love him to no end. I love our children and I just hate thinking of seeing them being separated from me overnights. They need their dad, of course, but the pain caused by the manic storm is still in their minds and hearts.

So hard to get over things. But I don't want to be a fighter sometimes. Some days I want to let the storm pass, while I hide, well protected, or as protected as I can be. I don't want to see or hear it anymore. I don't want the lists, I don't want the emails, I don't want the divorce, I don't want this man who hates our daughter's school, thinks I am robbing him of his money, thinks all my beliefs about raising our kids is false. I want to hide. But I know I can't and I know it isn't good for me to hide for too long.

I know coming OUT of an episode, you all must have different feelings within that need to be dealt with.

BUT still BEING IN the episode, there are lots of elements of fear, pain, confusion, the ache to go backwards intermingling with the anger that makes us want to move forward.

I want to come out of this place soon.

And I hope you do. It's part of the grieving process, this depression is part of it. Longing for how it used to be. All you can do right now is focus on today. This moment. Emotionally, I mean. Try to write down your feelings on paper. I have notebooks with pages of thoughts, trying to process what was happening to me, to our family. It really helped me. What might really help with the other issues of the divorce, custody, etc. is to also list only what you need to do and then prioritize. Make each item do-able and specific. It might help you to lessen your feelings of being overwhelmed.

Take care...

I hope you do, too, seem. As wife says, grieving is a part of the healing process. It's normal to long for how things used to be, and to hurt, and to cry. Go through the grief, but keep moving forward. Sometimes it seems like we go 1 step forward and 2 steps back, but we have to keep going. Do what helps you to heal, whatever it is might be. I like wife's idea of prioritizing what you need to do.

I really appreciate this thread. Even though my husband has been reasonably stable for the last few years, I do remember how hard it was when he was unmedicated and we didn't know what was happening to him. I learned to do what I could to help him, but I had to focus on taking care of our children and myself. It does no one any good to get lost in the disorder with them.

He's turning 60 next week, and I worry about how age is going to affect him. I can see him slowing down physically and emotionally already. The psychotic behavior has stopped, and the mania is mostly under control, but he still fights depression, anxiety, and has a hard time concentrating for very long. It breaks my heart to see him hurting, and other than giving him a listening ear, encouraging him, helping him where I can to work through his triggers, making sure he takes his meds (which he's really good about doing), I know there isn't much more I can do for him. We are in the process of getting our medical directives done so that should something happen at least that part will be in place. I try not to borrow trouble, but I also know that I have to think about what I will do if he takes a turn for the worse. I'm still working on that part.