warisover: I once had the misfortune of talking to one of my ex's girlfriends (while we were still married and I was fighting postpartum depression). It was a completely miserable experience, and I would avoid doing that like the plague.
Regaining your sense of identity is a process that will take some time, but it is SO worth getting it back. Start by thinking about and doing things that you enjoy. Another thing that helped me when I was trying to regain my sense of worth after the ex was remembering past events that were happy and significant to me. You can do this!
I think the stronger you become yourself, the less you have those urges to find out what terrible things he is doing, or try to stop it. If you look back at some of my posts from last year, I almost drove to where the OW works to check her out. Thank god strip clubs are closed on Sunday! Now that I am more confident and secure, I don't think about it...it's a terrible illness, and the best thing I can do is keep from getting smacked in the face with it all the time. Be good to yourself, stay away from the hurt and take care of you.
"warisover: I once had the misfortune of talking to one of my ex's girlfriends (while we were still married and I was fighting postpartum depression). It was a completely miserable experience, and I would avoid doing that like the plague."
This is advise that I take to heart. I know I have means but keep myself distracted and convinced not to follow my real desire (you know, hunt this guy down and beat the living crap out of him... mmmmm self control )
Anyways, as my friend said during one of my worse times: 'you may find him and he's brad pitt and you'd wtf, or you find him and he's some ugly redneck and you'd say wtf'. Doesn't really matter because it's not YOUR problem. It's not a reflection of YOU but your husband and wife - during an illness or otherwise.
It typically takes 3 - 5 years to recover from infidelity from the MOMENT IT STOPS. So we all have a long time to heal and a lot more self discovery.
I kinda feel bad for the OW sometimes. His is so charming and convinced of himself when sick, I bet she never had a clue the depth of his problems. She probly thought she met her prince, who was being made misserable by his evil witch of a wife. I feel bad for my spouse too, because I wouldn't want that baggage in my life. He's just running around using people and things to distract from dealing with his problems...thinking they will magically fix it. They both have my sympathy, not my hate. I certainly am not going to do my self the disservice of thinking either of their actoins have anything to do with me...other than the fact that him using me didn't fix it for him...again though...not my problem.
02/21/2012 05:05 PM
Posts: 2466 VIP Member
My ex had a girlfriend before he met me. 6 months after his wife died she moved herself in. Called and yelled at me while I was pregnant about how he is not bipolar just an alcoholic and how crazy I am. She is married to another man and adopted a child. You would think she would be over him by now Its been almost a decade, but she still keeps in touch with his sisters and his kids. I tried to tell her that she met him in a manic state, his wife had just died. Apparently she thinks she knows him better then I do. These ow really get on my nerves. Even if they were the other before me. Do not try and tell me my husband is just fine. It is not you that he calls crying after a suicide attempt, not you that he did all the crap he did to, not you who stuck by him through thick and thin. If she wants him, really she can have him. Even manic he wouldn't go back to her.She made awesome money and he stayed home and drank. She was his sugar mamma.I have no sympothy for the ow or om. They should have been able to see things for what they are. He has a wife, child etc. Stay away.Until that divorce is final, you get what you get.
I sort of have the same sentiments, chelle005. I probably could have felt a little sorry for the OW my husband was involved with, IF she had backed off upon initial discovery and him telling her he didn't want to be with her. I even spoke with her and told her the same night as my husband, in the same room, on speakerphone. But she kept it up, too, for nearly half of 2010. I'm with you...it's hard to feel sorry for a person when they are deliberately trying to mess with people they KNOW are married and have a family. My husband was in the wrong, too, but at least she wasn't married and he wasn't hurting her relationship with anyone else. She kept on trying to plow on through in our relationship. Of course it didn't work.
02/21/2012 10:09 PM
Posts: 211 Member
Justhurt, thanks for writing that it takes 3-5 years to get over major issues with infidelity ONCE IT STOPS. Wow!
02/22/2012 06:02 AM
Posts: 4891 VIP Member
Well...how can you predict when someone will get over an infidelity? It's such a personal thing.
02/22/2012 06:47 AM
Posts: 409 Member
You can't but the psychic damage and emotional damage is typically measured in several years and runs 3 - 5 years (as referenced by many infidelity support groups and books). For some more and for some less. For some they find another person which puts an end to any suffering but the emotional baggage and weight of it all still is there - you carry that until its processed.
Whether 3 -5 years or different the point is that it takes TIME and LOTS of it. As spouses who have been shocked with infidelity there are lots of things that will take time to unpack the emotional burden from it. Everything from the relief of "just want him/her back" to processing the details of the "how and why" to the "how long until I can trust them" factor. This all takes time. And LOTS of it.
I would contend, to those of us who have "now stable" spouses, we now have to contend with the emotional burden and hurt that the instability caused. Whether it was caused by mental illness is relevant but it does not mean it is by any means any less hurtful.
I came here to put into perspective the "how and why" but I am by no means any less hurt by the hurt of the years of confusion and betrayal suffered at the hands of my spouse. And in the end, even once stable, there is always the challenge of any OTHER relationship which can have its risks and hurts.
I think... personally... there is a lot of thoughts that "well they were manic so their behavior wasn't accurate". While this is TRUE that doesn't make it hurt any less, at least for me.
02/22/2012 06:49 AM
Posts: 4281 Group Leader
I'm moving past it, but I don't think I'll ever totally get over it. I hate that it happened....so badly. It's like a scar that will lighten and fade with time, but will always be there. My faith in God has brought me so far along now, though. And that is such a welcome thing!!!!! I needed to move past all of that pain so much and finally I got some release. Hooray for that!
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