If the switching was very frequent??? Then perhaps borderline personality disorder is the cause. It is often confused with bipolar disorder and sometimes people have both at the same time (called "co-morbid".
The switching between rage and life of the party should ONLY occur during acute mania. (Not hypomania.) It should not be a daily thing. That suggests something very different than a manic person who can switch out of rage on a dime when the cops show up. My theory is that mania protects itself. Mania knows that if it shows itself to the cops or a doctor, then mania will end. (The person will get arrested or get hospitalized, but they will likely also get medicated!) It is not unheard of for a manic person to fool a psychiatrist in a 50 minute evaluation. BUT...mania cannot do this hiding act for long. It will show itself in a 72 hour hold, for example.
If your SO is switching from happiness to rage when NOT in a manic episode (and that seems likely if he was working--unless he works in a job with a ton of freedom and alot of people who just are used to crazy behavior, people at work would have noticed, a boss would have said something... There are exceptions, but most people when manic blow up their jobs along with their families.), then something else is probably at work.
Here is an excerpt from a borderline FAQ that helps explain things:
"Essentially, borderline personality disorder is a kind of mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in self-image, in moods, in interpersonal relationships, and in behavior. To take an example of this instability in relationships, a PBD type of person might at one moment regard a friend or loved one with great admiration, affection, and love, and then suddenly, without warning, switch over to an attitude of irrational disappointment, vehement anger, or even hatred. When this switch occurs, the BPD person will accuse the friend or loved one (or the therapist) of having abandoned, mistreated, or misunderstood her, or otherwise blame the other person for having caused the sudden breakdown in idealization and affection. Often, the BPD person interprets ordinary everyday events as intentional rejections. For example, if the therapist, due to a traffic jam or household emergency, arrived late for a session, the BPD person would not believe those reasons, and would accuse the therapist of caring more for other patients, or having lost interest in her. Regardless of any apology, the BPD person would feel rejected and abandoned, and would express those feelings through anger, depressed mood, threats ("I'll get even with you", or even—and this is the core of your question—with violence." From Ask Dr-Robert archives...) (I will post another link to BPD info...)
He was able up to this last year control himself at work, however he has had a number of altacations, usually blaming it on the other party involvd,he does change jobs frequently, this job he has been in for six years, the longest ever, I am in touch with someone at his office who has said he is acting odd, about 15 months ago he broke down at work and ended up in a pysche ward, he is in sales so does have alot of freedom. I do also know he hasnt been going in very regularly lately.
Ok, thanks for clearing that up. It's not that extreme. He does have a job that allows him to work from home as often as needed. And his boss knows the situation. But as for family and friends he pulls away when he knows they will see to much. He is just extremely careful when it comes to his son. He can turn it off, but only for a matter of time. It was hard for me to understand how he could control it around certain people. But now I get it.
Well the rape charge against me just got dropped. The police told me they did consider pressing charges against her for wasting police time but chose to. The detective said they know i didn't rape her, that much is obvious.
He also said they noticed oddities about her, they agreed she probably is suffering some kind of mental issues.
My husband has went through cycles of wanting to leave (almost after every argument), but so far has stayed. This time I don't think its going to happen. He's been sleeping away from me for over a week now.
He says he isn't happy..and hasn't been for a very long time. He resents my kids, who are grown. Anything bad that happened between them is always on the forefront. It's like he doesn't have a normal level of forgiveness or tolerance. Most of his episodes begin on the cusp of an illusion of being deeply disrespected.
He doesn't sleep well. He was an alcoholic, but gave that up over five years ago. He has a low libido...although that didn't used to be the case.
He says he's leaving because he's not happy....and because "I deserve better". But he's also loved me with some of the strongest, soul splitting love I've ever had.
To my knowledge, there hasn't been another woman, but I still have questions in the back of my mind.
I've told him that he can come back, with changes...at any time until the divorce is final. But that I'm only doing this once. He needs to decide if he wants to be with me or not..because I can stand the leaving drama over and over again. It's not just saying hes leaving...its deconstructing our home. Tearing things out to be boxed, that never get boxed. Throwing away useful items. Breaking things.
And then I get to clean it up. That part needs to be over.
Me never knowing from one moment to the next if I'm going to be able to pay the bills for the month, depending on if he's in flee mode or not.
But I do want him here. I love him..and I don't want it to be over.
03/07/2012 06:56 AM
Posts: 4891 VIP Member
Most of his episodes begin on the cusp of an illusion of being deeply disrespected.
That's the way it was for my husband, too. Issues with my older daughter disrespecting him when in fact, she rarely was even in the same room. You're in the right place, joining this group. Lot's of company who share your pain. Welcome.
03/07/2012 07:21 AM
Posts: 13 New Member
I was talking with him yesterday and I told him...its not that I don't believe you...but its that I need to talk about specifics...with my kids angering him. I told him maybe I wasn't seeing everything he saw or maybe I was forgetting or overlooking things. But if he was ready to leave me for it...that I needed him to tell me specifically what was great enough to divorce me.
So I said...okay...with my daughter....what has she done in the last month? "Last month? Nothing I guess." Okay, the month before that? "She took a really sarcastic tone". And six months before that? "I don't know, I just know that it keeps happening".
The questions and answers were pretty much the same with my son. He HAS done things, but most of the things that are bothering him happened almost six years ago.
Unless my husband happens to be home, my son can't come to our house..so most of the time he calls. (He thinks my son will steal from him and that both of us will conspire to destroy his things.) So the other day when he showed up on our doorstep (my daughter lives beside of us) without calling, he let him in and told me he was there.
So when we're talking about my son he said "You don't know how much I had to bite my tongue when I saw him out there." And I asked him ...Why? What did he do? And he looked at me and said "After all the crap he's put me through you have to ask me that?" But when you begin to ask him specifically about events, although in his mind they "keep happening", nothing new has happened at all. No new conflicts. Not even a conversation.
In fact we've been the ones to discuss my kids. He's talked to them very little about his actual annoyances. And honestly, if he did they would probably listen a little for my sake but disregard most of it as a disillusion.
Neither of my kids live here....
Thank all of you for the hugs and welcomes. I appreciate them so much.
03/07/2012 09:21 AM
Posts: 3899 Group Leader
hiswife, I am really to hear that your son has to call first to come visit you and that he can't feel like it is home away from home. That would have to be hard on any mom to accept that. It is also very divisive if your spouse doesn't really like or get along with your children, my heart breaks for you there.
I think they conjure things up in their mind to validate their actions and feeling towards others. They over exaggerate situations to a way over the top matter when in fact it is and was very minor to once again control things and have things their way. They blame their unhappiness and inadaquecies on us, when in fact it is how they feel about themselves projected on us. They just don't see how they are doing this, so will not accept anyone pointing it out to them. Like when you wanted specifics about why he was expressing anger towards your kids, he really couldn't except once a long time ago, but they hang onto that to justify things in their minds.
I wish you could get him to see it, is he on the right meds? Or any meds at all?
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