Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

When your bipolar spouse leaves you for someone else, how often do they come back?

More specifically, i'm refering to a situation like mine. This girl was with me for 10 years, we met when she was 16, and i was 17, i'm 27 now, we've been engaged for a year and planned to have children soon. We are also each others first real relationship, we are each others first loves and we lost our virginity to each other.

She has always financially depended on me and my family, always been in debt herself, goes through money like water. Never earned a real wage, no place that pays a decent wage will employ her, what she earns, is far below acceptable for someone to pay their own way.

She inherited a house from her nan a year ago, she just sold it for way less than it's worth, she hasn't got the money yet but will soon have it, she has been taking out loans and debts, i estimate she'll have half of what the house was worth by time she gets the money and pays her debts.

She committed two imprisonable offences when she left. She accused me of raping her to the police (falsely) and she refused to pay her council tax, she's at the end of the line on them trying to get the money from her, the next step is to arrest her and put her into prison for up to 90 days for messing them around.

A little about myself... i'm an attractive guy with a great body, i like to eat healthy, keep in shape, looking good makes me feel good, so i put the effort in. She has always adored that about me. I'm good with money, i have quite a chunk of cash saved up, my parents are supportive, i've basically got a good future ahead of me.

She met a guy on the internet 5 months ago, in an online game, she just left me last month, to be with him, even though she'd never met him irl, only spoke to him on webcam. She's now living with him and his parents, he is only 21, she is 26, and i am 27.

I'm assuming she is manic, she has all the symptoms, and I mean all of them, and quite severely too. She has been manic since at least last november and hypermania since at least august. She isn't being treated because she has never been tested for bipolar but all the signs are there. She went like this 1.5 years ago too, for a few months, wanted to cheat with other men, she snapped out of it though and was fine for almost a year, during this year, she got diagnosed with depression, and so that suits the bipolar theme quite fine.

So she can't hold a job down, she can't handle money, and she can be very irritating to be around when she is manic, when she's depressed, she just sleeps way too much. I just can't see things working out for her, and that's if she doesn't get arrested, if she does, i suppose that will only be a good thing, they'd probably get her mental help instead, it gives her time to snap out of this manic phase to prevent her from ruining her life. She has done enough damage already.

Is she likely to come back to me? She walked away from the best thing that ever happend to her, though that's not how she sees it right now, she says i'm the biggest mistake of her life, but that could be all an act to make her new BF feel more secure that she won't suddenly leave and come back to me, she can't help but tell lies, and she does put on an act. Is this the kind of hurtful thing a bipolar will say about a partner they left? Calling them the biggest mistake of their life? It's really hard for me to hear this, but does she really mean it?

I just want her to see a doctor and find out if she has this illness and if so, get treated for it and see if she stops being this monster that she has turned into.

Post edited by: cm00, at: 02/05/2012 04:44 PM

If she is truly bipolar then saying you are the biggest mistake of her life is real to her in her manic brain. I was told this too. They run, they hurt us, they cheat..its a nightmare

Ok so it might be real to her now when she is manic, but what about when she stops being manic? Will she feel remorse for all that she has done? She isn't just hurting me but also herself. She is throwing away everything she had going for her. In her eyes, she's about to build a new life and it will all go well for her, but the sad reality is quite the opposite.

if she feels remorse when she is stable, then yes, she will have it again. however,is she has bipolar and isn't treated she will forget about that remorse when she has another episode.

cm00, Welcome to the group.

None of us can say whether your wife will come back, whether she will be remorseful, whether she will seek stability.

If she has bipolar disorder-she has not been diagnosed, and to get the diagnosis, you need a depressive episode too--here is a great short explanation of the disorder and the symptoms and how it is diagnosed:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001924/

--If she does indeed have bipolar disorder, which needs to be diagnosed by a psychiatrist, she will at least crash from this episode (that's assuming it is a manic episode and not something else) and be depressed. That is usually the best time to get them to seek treatment.

Our members have stories that are hopeful and stories that are not. It ALL depend on her willingness to accept her disorder, get treated, and be proactive in seeking and maintaining her stability. THAT IS THE KEY DIFFERENCE between the stories here.

You pointed out two life changing events that probably threw her into mania. Going forward, life changing events can throw someone that has bipolar into mania like, marriage, engagememt, births, deaths, job changes, job loss, moving. Being engaged and starting a family is very stressful. Stress triggers someone with bipolar for sure. Even with my husband stable today, we try together to defuse any stress we can. It was stress that was one of the things that threw him into mania when he left me and our two boys over two years ago. when manic, they run from responsibilities, they go off and have fantasy relationships with no real commitmemts or obligations except what is in their manic minds. When they come down they get depressed usually realize their destruction and want help to gain stability in their life again. It doesnt happen like this all the time, but it has for many. My husband was gone for a year before crashing and wanting help. She is probably running from her real worl with obligations and responsibilities, she will spend all of her money, have none, hit bottom and call you to pick her up. Then it is up to you if you want her back and if you do, wheher you point out your boundaries that she needs to respect in order to have you in her life. the first thing is to get her properly diagnosed and on whatever meds she needs to gain stability. It does sound like she is manic though to me.

Keep coming back, there is a lot of experiemce, strength, and hope here. Welcome!

hopefulcb. Not sure where the thread is for the stories from the "alum" of this group. But I would love to hear the story of your husband's crash sometime. How he got the point, where he lived when it happened, what brought it on for him, how you reacted. All those details would be interesting to hear. You always offer great advice. So great that you have the manic divorcing experience to help those of us (like me!) who are going through the tough times.

Seem, I didn't mean to be misleading--there is not really one thread for this. But here is a thread that has a lot of the stories:

http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/spouses-of-bipolar-in- active-relationships-discussions/general-support/3434729- you-are-not-alone-that-has-happened-to-many-of-us

Hope this helps!

She has been diagnosed with depression. She appeared to be manic a year and a half ago, most definetly was i'd say. Hypersexuality, hated me, wanted to end relationship. After a few months she was back to her normal self again, and that lasted until about august, shortly after being manic 1.5 years ago was when she was diagnosed with depression. She even said to me "my mum has bipolar, it means i might have it". The trouble is, she goes to the doctor for hundereds of things and even the doctors think she is a hypocondriac, so i didn't look into it.

Since august, she suddenly became happier, more productive, then she got the idea that she is a white witch and has powers, going as far as to cast spells while in work, making her workmates think that she is mad.

Now she suddenly hates me again, and it came out of nowhere, we've been closer than ever this past year or so, she gave no indication she was going to leave, and she went as far as lying, to tell me that she was happy about everything. Then she just leaves and now she hates me, saying i'm the biggest mistake of her life.

Although, could that be because i would be a damper on on plans? She is manic, and wants to go out and screw around and throw away her inheritance, she's doing everything that she knows she should not be doing, and she knows i obviously would not just let her go and do that while she's with me. She has this idea that somehow i'm holding her back from greater things. I put this all down to her mania, she's lliving in a fantasy land where everybody love her and she has celebrity like status.

It was about 5 months ago that she started talking about going onto x factor, she said she thinks she could win. She can't sing, or act, or dance, she has never had singing or acting lessons in her life and she did do balley for a few months but that's nothing really. It was just in november/december that she actually started telling the people at her workplace that she has now made it to auditions on x factor. I don't know if she's completely delusional, or attention seeking or what.

She also boasts that she is an actress and singer, even though it's a blatant lie.

Post edited by: cm00, at: 02/06/2012 04:34 AM

You said it took your husband a year to crash, but how long was he manic for before he left? My fiance has been hypomania since at least august, and at some point between then and november she went full blown manic. This means she has been manic for at least 3-4 months and maybe quite a bit more.