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01/06/2012 09:29 PM

The sadness is heavy tonight

seem
 
Posts: 211
Member

Hey Friends,

I am in disbelief that I am 4 months into this mess.

I am proud of myself for all I have been able to accomplish by myself and the strength from God has really helped me get through my daily life with the kids and still enjoy myself with them as their mama.

But, the cloud remains. It isn't everyday your life immediately falls onto your head without any notice.

The manic runaway is one of the most horrible symptoms of bp. It leaves behind so much pain so suddenly it is really hard to cope.

I had a physical injury while working out early this week, and it has left me unable to do a lot of things. I am going to go to my physician next week but that was the last thing I needed, as working out was helping me regulate my sadness and get a good kick of endorphins to carry me through the rough weeks.

Anyway, here I am.

While I was driving tonight, looking at another sunset colored sky, I remembered, "hey, it has been four months, . . . and the thoughts of him never coming back, that this is really my new life alone with two kids in this new town. > . . those thoughts came in. And it felt overwhelming and it felt really lonely and it felt impossible. Tears just poured down my face as I drove my kids home. I can not believe the tragedy that has happened.

I think so many things, . . . oh, if only my mom didn't come out for the move, maybe he wouldn't have hit mania. . . . if we hadn't moved, if we hadn't hired cheap movers that were incapable. . . . the list goes on and on. I want my husband back home. I want to kiss him and hold him. I want to enjoy hearing him play with our children while I prepare dinner. I want that life back that was stolen from me and the children.

This is so much to bear.

Life is not easy. I have been through many challenges in life, but this tops it as the most difficult trial I have been through. And I have been through a lot as a child, young adult and adult. But this is the worst.

Today my husband emailed me.. His flexible spending account at work got refilled with $3500. He sent me a bunch of "rules". . . 1) contact me if you use our fsa debit card for anything besides copayments. Etc. Etc. I told him I had an injury and his response was merely, "let me know if you need surgery, I think you wouldn't need to use the FSA debit card, insurance should cover everything. If you need me to watch the children, you should let me know ahead of time that you are going to undergo surgery." ( I merely mentioned in my email that I am hoping I won't need surgery and he carried it this far).

Anyway, all he cares about is that money is not spent. Money money money. That is the only thing carrying his new life with this slutty girl. He is wining and dining her and taking her on trips and buying her things, and that ensures he has lots of sex and companionship along with a drinking buddy with tons of high schoolish friends. So, he needs to make sure he is well funded.

I am finally putting my thoughts on paper tomorrow for the pdoc appointment. I will then call to set an appointment for our pdoc appointment on MONDAY and I WILL use the FSA money if they accept it. I won't ask him beforehand. The reason I was holding out was that I was low on money, and here we have flexible spending and I am not going to wait any longer or get his approval for this.

I will update soon.

Thanks for listening!

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01/06/2012 09:40 PM
LindaCarter7
LindaCarter7  
Posts: 452
Member

Oh dear...we are going thru the same. I left on a plane and came home to my mom w my one year old in tow. My BP husband has no clue. He is too focused on how in love he is w his gf. He even texted me saying me trying to separate them is making their relationship stronger. I cleaned out the bank account. He raged at me all day. Didn't ask about the baby once. Also didn't get any response from me. I did text him to say he needs to see the pdoc. He has no clue I'm one thousand miles away. This runner thing....oh my....the anger I feel. I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I too cry my eye sockets out. That's why I left bc he is moving in w her and I'm a stay at home mom and I'm immensely depressed I can't work right now. It's like my husband is dead but an evil soul took his body....what a fucking nightmare

01/06/2012 10:09 PM
hopefulcb
hopefulcb  
Posts: 3934
Group Leader

Oh I so feel for you both. I so felt the same when my husband left two yrs ago and found another while abandoning us my two boys and I. It was the worst I had dealt with in my life and I didnt have a great childhood either. Some days were better than others, sometimees i felt very alone too, my boys and my job kept my mind off of things a lot, thank goodness. I also believe God carried me through like footprints in the sand, really, some days I dont know hownI got through it all. My husband hit bottom over a year ago and came back to us wanting to get stable and build his life with us again. Today he is and I truly hope that happens for you both too since I read that is what you want. In the meantime I cant stress enough how important it is that you take care of yourself and your children, you need to be strong for them, they need you more than ever now. God bless and take care of yourselves, you are not alone.

01/07/2012 02:26 AM
wifeonbpexpress
wifeonbpexpress  
Posts: 4891
VIP Member

This pain will come to an end one way or another. I, too, remember the pain of my husband leaving the family to finance his cocaine habit he had suddenly developed. It was the strangest time, so many unknowns. Everyone was telling me to leave him, to give up. That thought was always there, but I waited. I knew he couldn't keep this up forever. He finally agreed to see a pdoc. It took a long time for him to accept the diagnosis. He took the meds, but he wasn't ready to give in to the diagnosis until he saw that I was the one who was not going to accept things the way they were. It forced a decision on his part. It could have gone either way. In his mind, I was the one stopping him from drinking, smoking pot, etc. He was angry about that. Those were his comforts of life, in his opinion the only things that "worked". But he chose me and our daughter. He chose life. I hope your husbands will stop this insanity soon and get the treatment they so desparately need. But always keep in mind that YOU have control of your own life, your own decisions. YOU don't have to accept what they have done and you can choose a peaceful life for yourself and your children. I know you just want things back to the way they were, but bp changes everything. It takes a tremendous amount of dedication and committment to stability on their part to have a "normal" life with someone. Right now, seem and LC, your husbands seem to be at the height of their mania. Try to continue doing things that help you to de-stress and focus on your health and what's good for your children. Keep posting here. Seem, your threads and posts are so great! You are letting out your feelings and hopefully by reading our responses, you are feeling a little relief and comfort knowing that this is part of the disorder. What is happening as far as what he is doing is out of your control, but YOU control everything else. Find moments of peace in every day. Someone suggested meditation as a way to cope. I think it was Vinny. A very good idea.

01/07/2012 06:48 PM
LindaCarter7
LindaCarter7  
Posts: 452
Member

Thanks Hopeful! Wife, that is really reassuring to me what you said...Im at my moms, today has been an all time low bc I revealed to Narcisus the Bastard (my bp husbands name for his other personality) that I was in PR.He sent me a string of mean texts saying Im a crazy bitch, that he will burn my fathers paintings (dad committed suicide when I was 16, his paintings are all I have left of him since Narcissus sold his guitar he left me when he died) and just all kinds of mean mean mean things that I have never heard from him. Cocaine MUST be by far more powerful that another woman....right? I have so much hope in a crash...but I have realized tonight after a xanax and a nap that I do need to do for me and see my world broader than just him. I am glad my baby wont remember any of this but my step daughter who he just gave up on, she is scarred, she is angry and she even called his phone (all the way from England where she lives)to tell him she hates him. So, he has lost his daughter, his wife (who he hates apparently), his son, his car to an accident one hour after buying it, my car bc I took it to storage, cable bc he didnt pay it and his paycheck bc I cleaned out the bank account the morning I left, bc I need to protect my self and my son, he was going to pay off a loan he got for the other woman. HELL NAW! But somehow he blames me for all of it. He blames the car accident on the steering wheel coming off all by itself (its still attached to the car). The amount of lies he has told and compounded are ridiculous. And his girlfriend keeps fallin for his explanations even tho I showed her all the proof. She is 26 and naive. Im at the acceptance part of grief, but I always go back to the panic overwhelming suicide part in the morning. I miss you Daniel, I miss you so much!

01/07/2012 08:20 PM
lollipop
lollipop  
Posts: 4281
Group Leader

I'm so sorry these things are going on right now. Just remember, the decisions that are made in a manic episode and the actions that go along with it...well, there is nothing you did to cause it and there is nothing you can do to change it. Hopefully, they will both crash soon and seek help. Hang in there. (((((SEEM and LINDACARTER7)))))

01/07/2012 08:24 PM
seem
 
Posts: 211
Member

Linda. I am sorry you are going through this. Sounds horrible. I feel lucky sometimes that my nerdy CPA husband's mania doesn't reach the more violent or "high pitched" manias of others, and I hope its stays that way. Baseline, my husband is a really calm guy, so manic he is hypersexual, irritable as hell and sensitive to sounds and overstimulation and blames me for a lot of things.

I have to say, I can't imagine direct attacks of anger or rage, like your husband has shown.

You are a strong woman Linda. I thank you for giving me a hug today. YOU deserve the BIGGEST HUG. You are smart to protect your daughter and yourself, and I will pray for you and your family tonight, that Daniel will crash and be safe and return home to all of you.

Lots of Love.


01/08/2012 06:45 PM
grace72891
grace72891  
Posts: 301
Member

I am so sorry. I really worry about my husband doing something similar to me. I don't think he would run off with another woman, although I do also try to keep in mind that nothing is impossible, but I do see a strong possibility of him so badly not wanting to get on medication and face his bipolar diagnosis that he runs away and leaves. I am trying to think sensibly.

When we got married 1 1/2 years ago, I already knew he had a habit of loaning or giving money to his friends and family when they ask. He doesn't usually give a lot, but he doesn't have a lot either, but he has done things like loan some of his rent money on a promise from the person that they will pay him back by no later than the day rent is due. For me that is a big no-no regardless of how much you trust the person or how reliable they have been. Anything can happen. So I refused to share any bank accounts with him unless he used one of his checking accounts that he wasn't using at the time as a loaner account. Meaning we put money in there for times when he wants to help people and if there is no money in the account the answer is no. He agreed but then afterward he refused to do that and closed the account, so I refused to join bank accounts. Last year, I also refused to file a joint tax refund with him.

There is also another issue of a name mix up. His ex-wife has the same the first and middle name that I have and was even raised two blocks from where I was born. Creepy! Her hair is even the same color! Haha Anyway, at one point he and I tried to buy a car together and when they ran our credit reports somehow a mix up occurred and I was confused for being her. All of her debt, previous residences, aliases and even her social security number showed up on my credit report. I had to keep sending letters to the credit bureaus to remove the erroneous information and it took about a year to remove all of it. So on the advice of my attorney, when we married I did not change my last name and have not combined any bills. Separate cell phone accounts, most bills are only in my name, we have no joint bills or accounts of any kind. It is also something that he and his sister hold against me as proof that I don't really love him and that I am not really committed to this marriage. His ex-wife was also put in jail for fraud and my job requires me to be able to maintain a security clearance. This kind of confusion could cause me to lose my clearance, therefore my job, so I can't afford these kinds of mix ups. They say I am paranoid, that it was a one-time fluke, and that even if it did happen again and I lost my job, (that stuff happened before I got this job), I "could just go get a new job" like it's no big deal.

So, in light of his bipolar diagnosis and the fact that we are buying a house, (I refused to put my name on the loan though but my name is on the deed) I am debating whether to be put on the home owner's insurance or get my own, if I can even do that. He has also started talking about us getting joint car insurance policies but I imagine him deciding to take off or me having to leave because he won't get stabilized and then imagine him cancelling my car insurance as revenge. I'm not sure how far to take this. My attorney also told me to obtain a post office box and have all of my mail sent there but I haven't that.

So, sorry I went off on a tangent there but I do think about this a lot lately. I am glad that you have seen how strong God can make you, and I hope your days get easier and your husband gets stable.

Post edited by: grace72891, at: 01/08/2012 06:48 PM


01/08/2012 09:17 PM
seem
 
Posts: 211
Member

Hey Grace, you sound so wise about protecting yourself financially. I wish I had taken the reins with our money. But since my husband ruined my credit while he was out of work when the economy crashed, he didn't put money in my account anymore, but rather we used his accounts to protect us from creditors. He had never told me he was using my credit cards for regular house stuff, he was managing the money then, and I was raising the kids, and then sure enough, when he lost his job, I found out my credit cards were through the roof and we couldn't pay them. It was horrible for me. Anyway, I feel you are wise about this.

Do all you can to prevent what has happened to me. I think my husband would never have left it if was not financially possible for him to do so. We suddenly got a mold setttement (we lived in mold two years ago, horrible situation, we all got sick), and my husband paid off the one year at my daughter's private school, and when he didn't have that obligation anymore, he took off with the remainder of the money once he used some of it to get our cars fixed.

The MONEY is what freed him up to go and be manic. Before he would have had to financially stay. The settlement was the worst thing that happened to us.

Stay strong Grace and thanks for your kind thoughts and hope for my situation.

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