Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

I invited my husband to join me in therapy last night...he has not gone since just after Thanksgiving. He has not wanted to go, as he has claimed that he doesn't have the money and/or going makes him angry. Much to my surprise he showed up...4 hours and $400 later I find out he hasn't taken his meds in two months, and has been lying to me about it!!! No wonder we all thought his meds needed adjusting...he wasn't freaking taking them!

I'm so angry right now. He said he quit them because he doesn't like how they make him feel. I think he was just trying to prove he's not sick and doesn't need them. He told the psycologsist he would go to a different MD that the psycologist suggested and try a different cocktail. I think it is a load of crap and am ready to give up.

Oh...and the work conference he went to last year where he started the affair...he paid his fee and reserved a room...without tellng me...like it's not big deal that he's going to be in the same town as his mistress overnight. His response to my protest.."but I always go." WTF!!!!

And this is the guy that is telling me we need to have a baby.

He is beyond messed up. I don't know how I can ever trust him...it's just been lie after lie after lie.

Most of all...I don't get why he showed up at therapy last night and came clean. None of it makes any sense.

Thats the key, he isnt rational right now being med less and isnt going to be until he gets back on. Thats a dealbreaker around here, and I know it is for many others on this board. Is there a way you can talk to him about the urgency of him going back on meds? Give him an ultimatum if you have to, I know I would have to if that happened here. It isnt their fault they have bipolar but it is their responsibility to commit to treatment for it and he is not.

I am so sorry you found out the way you did, but now you know and you can do something about it now with the knowledge you have. Be strong, you can do it.

Really? It's SKILLET TIME!!!!! Time to set dealbreakers, if you haven't already, or it's time implement them if you have them already in place. I think you are wise in not going for the "having a baby together" thing. If you were already pregnant or already had children together, the water would be much more muddy and hard to see through clearly. But without the kids in tow, you may end up having to make the much dreaded decision to move on down the road before long. Maybe you can do as hopeful suggested and lay it out for him, but only say what you mean to do...then follow through. Hopefully, your hubby will do what he needs to do to get the help he needs. He does sound like he's not thinking too clearly right now.

Kalissa, what do YOU want to do now?

I see several roads you can take. But it depends on what YOU want.

One road, SKILLET TIME, or in other words, kick him out. Good riddance. The asshat lied to you and lied to you and you gave him another chance and he lied to you again.

Road Two: insist he get on meds and NEVER go off them again. I would actually, in your shoes on Road Two, put his pills in one of those 7 day a week containers and maybe even have a timer go off at the time he needs to take his pills every day. OR make him take them in front of you. If he is serious about keeping your marriage, he will DO THIS.

IF the meds he is prescribed have side effects he doesn't like, he HAS to talk to the doc who prescribed them (Why is he not getting his meds from a psychiatrist?) about it. MANY side effects are TEMPORARY. My husband had a metallic taste in his mouth for three weeks and his hands shook a little for about five weeks, and he had a hard time sleeping---these are just three of the side effects of his newest med--AND THEY ALL WENT AWAY. If he has a serious side effect (like something life threatening, or losing his hair, or impotence), then he has to WORK WITH THE PDOC to find a med that will work better for him.

I am SOO sorry he is being such a JERKFACE!!!!

No meds, no marriage.

He called his psycologist the day after this therapy session for a PDOC referral, and has an appointment in a week with a PDOC for meds managment (his family doctor was treating him before). He did this all on his own without my having to say much. I suspect he didn't like how the meds made him feel so he went off to feel better...and prove he doesn't need them...then found that he felt bad without them too. He knows I would have left if I knew he quit...I'm guessing that is why he didn't tell me till his experiment failed. He says he feels hopeless right now...that he just wants to be himself again. I've tried to convey to him that this is something that isn't going away and we can't turn back the clock...he's got to deal with it and move forward.

I'm encouraged that he came clean about it, as it would have taken me some time to figure it out. I'm also encouraged that he seems to be getting back on track in therapy. No meds, no marriage...end of story. He seems to get that...but can't admit he has bipolar disorder. He seems to do better if we talk about it in terms of using the meds to help make his life more stable and happy...not "to manage his bipolar." He told me he doesn't believe he is mentally ill, but will try the specalist and take the meds and keep an open mind for the marriage.

Thoughts?

Post edited by: kalissalea, at: 01/09/2012 11:47 AM

I think it's great that he is trying to do what is right, for now. I believe you are on the right track when you say, "No meds/no marriage". You have been spinning your wheels, with him, long enough. If a person won't take steps to stability for themself, there is nothing more we can do. I like where you aren't trying to push the bipolar diagnosis thing and are trying to make him realize he can have a happier life if he cooperates and gets the help. God bless ya!

When my husband first went to the pdoc, the pdoc didn't tell him he had bipolar. I called the pdoc the next day and asked why. He said he didn't feel he would be open, but for me to be assured that he is being treated for it. After a few visits and the dr explaining to my husband in medical terms about how the brain functions, he was able to tell my husband he had bipolar. I am glad that the dr saw that my husband has resistance to hearing those words and waited, to this day I say mood disorder(thank you Married!), even though he knows it is bipolar, he likes the sound of that better.

Good for him for taking control of his treatments and doing the right thing to get started again.

It doesn't matter---at first---if he accepts ANY label, as long as he accepts that he is unstable and HAS to get help from a psychiatrist to get stable. If the label bothers him, don't use it. Use the language of getting stable, being himself again, being happy.

Eventually, he should be able to put a name to it. But the important thing now is MEDS.

Keep us posted, Kalissa.

My husband tried to go off of his meds for a short period of time AFTER he had accepted the diagnosis and was finally willing to work with me to manage it. Sounds kind of weird, but we both knew he shouldn't be on depakote, which the pdoc put him back on when it was apparent the lithium wasn't working. He told me about it and because we were in med transition anyway and he had already dropped out of school and was living in a rented room, I agreed, reluctantly. He, too, just wanted to know if he could go without meds (yeah, right). I knew it wouldn't work, but I let him try because all he had to do everyday was nothing. Everything fell apart really quick. We went to church one Sunday and he called me a bitch in the parking lot and pushed me a little as we walked into the church. After that, he broke down and admitted that he needed something to calm his moods. He was put on lamictal after that. So I let him have his little experiment, too. I guess part of the acceptance of the disorder is to see ONE more time if they can go without the meds, especially if they feel like the meds haven't been working. I think the hardest thing is finding the right meds that effectively stabilize their moods. It takes time to find the right ones and because the pdoc isn't always succesful on the first try, people think the meds aren't working for them and give up. It took 4 mood stabilizers over a 3 year period to find the right one for my husband. It would have taken a LOT shorter period of time if he had allowed me to go with him to the pdoc appts. But he went for about 2 years on depakote cycling up and down and I had no ability to tell the pdoc what was going on, or so I thought. I did write the letter to him, but he was not interested in it I guess, because the craziness went on until he ended up in the hospital.

BUT, a BIG, HUGE, part of it was my husband's unwillingness to be stable. It's funny, but he was put on abilify early on and he was very angry and abusive while on it. BUT, he has recently been put on abilify again and there is no anger or abuse. The difference being: his attitude. I'll say it a hundred times, without the attitude to be stable, the meds will only work up to a point, well...at least in my husband's case.

Kalissalea, I am very hopeful that things are going to turn around for you guys very soon. This is big. He made the appt., he cares that you have boundaries and is staying within them now. Fingers crossed that he will be put on the meds that will work for him. Are you going with him to the appt.? I think you should, if you can. It's important.