A recap: My husband left me and our two little kids three months ago out of the total blue as we moved to a new home. In the last three months he has: learned to cook, gotten a girlfriend and wants to marry her and convert to Catholicism, gotten his teeth done (would never go to the dentist), has been very irritable and moody with us, spent money like crazy, sent me continual "financial plans" to mediate our divorce, been completely moody and intolerable of our two children, and much more. . .
I am going to take him to a pdoc (which he thinks he is going to to discuss our divorce mediation! but in fact he will get an evaluation hopefully if he can sit through it) next week. He will go alone and the pdoc will ask if it is okay to join me in the session at the end when he can give us his opinion.
I just want to know:
Once a manic spouse gets a DIAGNOSIS what happens?
What has your experience been?
Can a Manic Spouse accept a diagnosis?
If he Can NOT, then will he change his behaviors to hide his mania since now "we all know"?
If your husband is manic right now, he probably won't appreciate the info very much and may not even believe what he is hearing. But if he is fading in and out of lucidity, at all, he may be able to understand some of the things the pdoc will say to him. Doctors who understand this illness (and who knows he MAY OR MAY NOT even diagnose him as being bipolar)are usually well-equipped in approaching the subject and drawing pertinent information out of the individual being evaluated.
The only thing that will probably make it somewhat more difficult is that the doctor doesn't know "how" your husband normally is, as opposed to how he will be acting while in his office. The only way alot of it will be able to "come out in the open" is if you are sharing the changes you've seen in your husband's behavior, since moving to the new city. I would be bold. Control your voice tone and be watchful of not coming across like you are "tattling" on your husband, but rather speak about all the good things he is more accustomed to doing and how after the stressful move, these things have changed. This is only my opinion, of course. You know your husband best. Hopefully, he will listen to the doctor and hopefully the doctor will be of some help! Take care and keep posting. We're here!!!! ((((((HUGS)))))))
Wow, seem, your husband has really been busy. I agree with lolli, he probably won't accept a diagnosis, which will make it difficult to get him to take meds, which is what he needs. People who are manic, usually don't want to stop being manic because it supposedly feels pretty amazing to have all of that energy. But it's a very destructive energy, little do they realize in the midst of it.
So how are you doing with all of this bs going on? A girlfriend? Converting to Catholocism? Planning on a wedding before he is divorced? It all seems so unreal, I'm sure. Please protect yourself and the kids from his intolerance. One thing I would suggest, don't make it easy for him to continue to be manic. He most likely WILL crash eventually. Whoever this woman is he is "dating" will most likely take off when that happens. Will you be there to pick up the pieces? When my husband was full blown manic and doing cocaine (can you imagine?), I left him. Took the kids and stayed at my parents. I would check on him and the house. I forwarded the mail to my parent's, somehow closed his checking account as it was in overdraft by hundreds, and basically just tried to shut down what was feeding the mania as much as I could. Once the money ran out, I was hoping everything would stop. My husband supposedly wasn't seeing anyone else, but I'm pretty sure things were happening as he was high on coke most of the time on top of being manic. When it all came crashing down, he finally went to the dr., got a diagnosis, and began his 3 year journey to stability. It's pretty hard to get someone to "want" to be stable. But after all I've been through, we have somehow been able to get to the point of stability. It can be done. As far as him changing his behaviors after the diagnosis, I doubt it. Unless he drops the girlfriend, I wouldn't think he was trying to not to look like he has bipolar. I really hope your husband will take meds--hopefully his pdoc will say the right things to get him to realize that this is serious and his behavior is extremely irrational so he will take the meds. Meanwhile, what do you do? That's a tough one. Tell us what you're thinking.
Seem, I might be the Odd Person Out here, but this seems like a VERY bad idea to me. You are lying to him, telling him he is going to divorce mediation, but instead he is going to get evaluated for a mental illness? I think this is not a good idea at all.
I think he will be very angry and feel betrayed by it. I KNOW you just want to help him. But I think he will not respond to this well and in fact, I think this might set him back some.
I know you are desperate. But I just don't think this is going to do anything but agitate him further.
I think you have to wait till he crashes from the mania. Or until he makes a super bad decision and ends up in trouble with the police or his employer...that sort of thing.
I think I need some clarification before I say if I completely agree with married or not... Does he know that his is pdoc appointment for a mental evaluation? If so, then if you are using the reason of "this eval needs to be done for our divorce mediation" I am fine with the idea of using ANYTHING to get them to agree to the evaluation.
If he doesn't know that this is for a mental evaluation, then I completely agree with Married. When someone is manic they are already VERY irritable, which can lead to rage. While manic, anything can set them off. Especially if they feel they have been lied to.
I agree whole-heartedly that he could really get angry about it, BUT....it sounds like he's already on the fast-track to disaster in his irrational thinking. Planning to marry someone else, already? Maybe this shot in the dark to try and get a doctor to "get through to him" in any way possible is the only thing left to do. If it ends up going bad at the pdoc office, you will be able to (at the very least) know in your heart that you did EVERYTHING you could to try and circumvent him destroying the life you and he built together. Hang in there, friend.
12/07/2011 11:57 AM
Posts: 707 Senior Member
I agree that this could upset him more. I have tried many times to "out-wit" my BP husband and it usually backfires on me....he trips out and says that I am the "crazy" one. And that becomes his excuse to self-medicate.
He always follows a strict pattern of behaviors...and we had a similar situation once. He was manic and very very high....found a girl who I will call "Bag-Buzzard" and in 5 short days she was convinced that he was leaving me for her, and all that.
Needless tosay, when he came down, he came to me....asking to get rid of her because she was clingy....and in my opinion, as dumb as a bag of hammers.
Back to the point...if you don't inform him (manic or not) what the pDoc is going to do...he will turn against you even harder.
In MY opinion.
12/07/2011 07:58 PM
Posts: 11099 Group Leader
I can see Lollipop's point here. Maybe this is your only chance or your last hope.
Just be careful....Anticipate things going wrong and think through what you will do in that case....
12/07/2011 08:40 PM
Posts: 3899 Group Leader
I completely understand wherenyou are coming from. When my husband left me and my boys two years ago, he was terribly manic, I was able to get him to go see his pdoc that he was seeing for deoression before bipolar diagnosis a year later. I was so happy he was going and it was on my birthday, i thought he would go, get talked to, come home and enjoy my birthday dinner with friends and family. Well he went, the dr could see he was manic, gave him seroquel, told him he needed to check into a hospital, but it backfired. He got mad at me, wouldnt check into a hospital, convinced his aa sponsor I was conspiring with the dr so his sponsor told him ot to take the meds and get a new dr and file for divorce. It wasnt until he hit bottom financially that he came to me and wanted to get help to change his life.
Hopefully your appt will go better than mine, but I do think you should try because you never know when they come in and out of lucidity and the timing just might be right. Good luck with it, you will both be in my prayers.
12/07/2011 08:56 PM
Posts: 211 Member
Thank you all for this great advice. In fact, what ended up happening today. . . he may have been a little more bright or lucid, and when I emailed him the time for the appointment, he asked why we are going, so he can make sure "we are on the same page." I didn't want to lie so I just told him:
"The goal in seeing the psychiatrist is to build clearance to move forward with our divorce. I feel concerned about certain things and I want to make sure we are moving forward in a healthy way, that both of us are healthy and both of us feel good. I know divorce is a mental challenge and it can really drag people down through the mud. I have concerns and I want Dr. Green to make sure that we are both ready to move forward with the divorce in the current situation we are in. My intention is to move forward and I am eager to move forward, but I really can't move forward with a mediative process until we see a psychiatrist.
The reason I feel so anxious to take him to a pdoc now is that he is pushing and pushing for a divorce. Although he hasn't filed and has no attorney, he thinks he is going to go through divorce mediation. He has no extra money to do it now, so I think he is waiting for either his yearly bonus in January or other money that may be coming to him.
Either way, I do agree with you all about the deception leading to anger, and in fact, I was really worried about that. What I said above is not the full truth, as I don't want to get a divorce at all, but telling him that this is what I need to be able to move forward with beginning the process is truthful in that I totally don't feel comfortable making such big decisions with someone manic.
He is so irritable right now. Last weekend when he took the kids out (3 and 5 year old) he had to bring them back an hour early. He only sees his two children 5 hours per week, and he used to be a full on hands on dad. Now he can barely take two hours. I feel so sad about this, seeing him change so dramatically. The children are confused about it and they feel the lose big time.
When he dropped off the kids, as he was preparing to go my three year old cried really loud because his sister turned off his video he was watching (she has special needs). Anyhow, my husband, whom I believe is manic, yelled out loud "FUCKING SHIT" and twisted his hands a bit. I was surprised, as he has never reacted like that, but ever since going manic he is REALLY sensitive to the children and ALL Their sounds and behaviors. I am wondering has anyone else experienced this.
At the beginning of the manic episode, he started telling me "I need ear plugs to live in this house." He texted a friend on facebook who asked him why he left his family by answering "I couldn't handle the kids screaming anymore."
Anyway, back to the pdoc appointment. Cross your fingers and keep us in prayer that we can take him to the pdoc and that he will get a diagnosis and be willing to give and receive information from the pdoc. Even if he doesn't get on meds and doesn't accept what the pdoc says, I think it would be beneficial because I can have a REALLY GOOD Excuse to halt my divorce mediation "plans." When he brings it up, I can say "get on meds, and we will discuss this." I think that is huge.
His entire family has sided with him and I have no family and just beginning to make friends out here in our new home. My whole life is taking care of these little ones and my daughter who is autistic is having a really hard emotional time. Both my kids have food allergies and can not even eat out. I could usually manage our life with the autism and food allergies and home cooked all meals and snacks with my husband's help in shopping for groceries and helping me with food prep. It has been truly hard. We haven't even settled in to our new place. My kids are so confused. It breaks my heart that their dad left us as soon as we moved here. It was like a tsunami hitting our house and life and heart. It all happened at once, boxes laying everywhere, just days in a new city and neighborhood, and my husband "pacing the streets trying to decide if he wanted to leave his family or not." Literally, he would walk miles and think this out and think this out and I was just sitting amongst boxes confused because at the time I didn't even think he was bipolar. I had never considered it, but then all of a sudden it made a whole lot of sense.
With the alcohol and everything, I am not sure how long this episode will last.
If he doesn't go to the pdoc, I am not going to move forward with the divorce, I will settle my interim finances with him and sit back and try to enjoy each minute with my kids. If he never comes around, I will have to work and I have been a stay at home mom and my special needs child can barely tolerate her kindergarten without problems. There are a lot of things I can be doing for my children right now, but it seems that a lot of my mental resources are drained.
If I didn't pray and have God I would be literally lost.
My therapist is also very good.
I have lost a lot of weight since my husband left. In three months thirty pounds. People don't even recognize me. I am not sure how it happened, time feels like it is moving fast and the work load for the two little kids and the special needs and allergies is IMMENSE.
I pray God gets me through this tunnel and that there is a lot of joy and peace laying for us on the other side.
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