Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

Trying to understand my husband’s Bipolar I start asking myself many questions. I know everyone is different and it affects them in different ways but the more I think about it the more I think that he is more asymptomatic than most. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that he has been correctly diagnosed I am not questioning that. He has never had a manic episode which from my understanding this is why he was diagnosed with Bipolar II. He never really has the manic side at all. Yes, some days are better than others but he doesn’t use fast speech pattern, act restlessly, use impaired judgment, and have grandiose beliefs or lack of concentration. I don’t think he has racing thoughts, he has never mentioned it. He is very intelligent and inquisitive. He learns quickly and was always known to be intellectual. In school he did well until he was old enough to rebel and then drugs got involved. The way I understand it is his hypomania manifests itself in irritable moods, anger and short temperament which is very similar to his mood when he is depressed. For a long time, I just accepted this as his personality. I have always known him to be pessimistic (he refers to it as being a realist) He has always been anti authority. He has always had a short temper. He has always had “bad moods”. After his recent diagnosis I am questioning which of these thing are his personality and which are the illness and how do I know when he is just being himself or the illness has taken over? He has managed to go most of his life without medication and until recently we never had what I would consider an episode.

I am trying so hard to be supportive and understanding but I do sometimes get caught up in the moment and give into my frustrations. He accuses me of not being supportive and that makes me defensive. I hate to sound so selfish but sometimes I need help with life and I feel like I have to tiptoe around him or just deal with it because bringing it up to him would turn out to be worse.

For example, Last night I get off work and call home to see how things are going and if he needed anything. I have had such a busy week the grocery shopping had not gotten done and I needed to pick up dinner on the way home. He was still working on homework with my son which I give him credit for because he does this task every day and it can get very demanding. He tells me there were a few rough moments but they were back on track. I get a text 10 minutes later saying that he needed me to come straight home and he would go get dinner. I knew something had gone wrong. As I walk into the house I hear my son slamming doors and screaming. I could immediately tell that my husband had already had enough. I go to my son and my husband leaves to get dinner. I finally calm my son down enough to attempt to finish homework and then my 5 month old was ready to eat. I feed her while consoling him. We don’t get much written homework done but we discuss the sentences that he is going to write. My husband comes in with dinner and we all sit down as a family and eat. We then finish his sentences and he gets into the bath. I bathe my daughter while my husband supervises my son in the tub. I lay the baby down and leave my son in bed with my husband because it was too late to fight to get him in his own bed. They all go to sleep. I return to the kitchen and clean the dinner table, finish the dishes, wash sterilize and prepare bottles, make school lunches for the next day and do two loads of laundry so that everyone has school and work clothes the next day. At 11:30 pm I am exhausted. I move my son into his bed and fall down not even showering because I had no energy left. Luckily my daughter sleeps through the night so I hear the alarm at 5am and start a whole day over again. In the past, when I have mentioned that I need help it turned into a heated conversation of who does the most. Don’t get me wrong there are nights that I get some help but most go like this. I can’t help but feel like I have to just manage it somehow on my own and wait for him to get adjusted to his medication or stabilize or whatever you want to call it.

This morning I asked him how he was feeling and if he thought his medication was working. He said “I don’t know you tell me” He then made the comment that he thought he handled our son well the night before and that several times he stopped himself from losing his temper. I do admit what happened last night was better than before when it would just turn into a screaming match between the two of them. I told him that I thought his medication needed to be adjusted and he should mention it to his doctor at his next appointment. He accepted that. His appointment is Tuesday.

Do you go with him to his doctor's appointments? Does he see a psyciatrist? (pdoc) I would suggest if you don't already, to go with him to those appointments. We as the spouse see things that they don't quite often.

He has a psychiatrist and a therapist. Since August he has seen the psychiatrist once a month and the therapist weekly. I have not started appointments with him yet. We are going together on Dec 6th when my son gets his evaluation. Its all very new to us, well the official diagnosis part.

I would definetly suggest that you go to at least his pdoc appt's with him. It helps everyone to be on the same page. You see things he doesn't, you will hear what the pdoc says directly, you will be more informed about what drugs to what, etc.

I think that the time right after a diagnosis is the hardest. It can take a LONG time to get the meds right. But you are leaps and bounds ahead of others because your hubby is taking his meds. I think it is a positive thing that he was receptive to discussing a med change with his pdoc. Now see if he will let you come with.

I struggle with feeling like my SO is an unequal partner in our relationship. But what I expected him to do/be, I have been told by his therapist that he may never be able to be the 50/50 partner that I want. If I want to continue our lives together, we both have to change our expectations.

As far as knowing the difference between his personality and when the BP is taking over, I don't have a good answer for you. Hopefully another one of our members will check this soon and help with that part. For me it is hard to know what is what when it is the small things. Yes I can tell he is depressed if he doesn't get out of bed or manic if he never comes to bed, but I as well struggle with the more subtle symptoms.