My husband moved out of the house Sunday and it's been a nice break for me.
He left me a message this morning saying he had just got out of an appointment with our marriage councelor of 10+ years, a Dr Phychology. He said that he had been told that he didn't need to get his meds monitored by a Phyciatrist and the Abilify that he is taking is the best. Then he asked me what I was working on in our relationship. If I wasn't working on myself, then he didn't want to work on the relationship. Well, that's fair and I feel I am working on things by learning about bp and joining this group. But, the tone he used told me just the opposite of what he was saying. It was blaming, loud, demanding and focused on his agenda. He hears what he thinks people are saying not what is actually said. I'm not sure that is what the counselor even said. I do think Abilify maybe helping his rage, but he is still all over the board.
I guess I will wait this thing out in my house and him in his for a long while. I am still confused about boundaries while we are living apart--should I still see some, how much help do I lend with helping him move his things, should we spend Thanksgiving with his family like always, etc? Thank goodness our children are grown and can reason out whatever we do, but we both have aged parents/grandmother (like his mom to him, mom of course is bp) who can process the confusion. I think for the rest of their time of life its best for them to be in denial. My mom has dementia and his grandmother is 96.
Often, when I do give a little it seems I plant a seed of hope in him and he becomes obsessed with that instead of the real reason we are separated. I guess I will "decide not to decide" anything major right now, take it a day at a time, continue reading & sharing here and WAIT to see where the chips fall. It's easier to say than do.
I'm glad to hear that he's out of the house for now. He doesn't sound stable and until he is, don't let him back in. Taking it a day at a time is a good idea for right now. Only you can decide what you want your boundaries to be, especially with the holidays and elderly parents to consider, but I suggest keeping visits with him to a bare minimum so he understands that you are serious about him getting help.
As for what the dr. said, take it with a grain of salt because he's still not thinking clearly. Keep doing what you are with learning about bp and ways to cope with it. Another place to look for help is DBSA and NAMI. And come here to vent and find help with what you're going through.
Thanks, Puffer! I am a veteran and I know we have several members married to vets!
@Tornado. I echo Sally. Good for him to be out of the house right now. It will at least give you peace and calm.
I don't know if this distinction will be at all helpful to you, but it was to me: Boundaries are, strictly speaking, the terms we set for US. What WE will accept or not accept. Ultimately, in the end, we cannot control any other adult. So we set boundaries, and tell our loved ones, but the burden is on us to make the violation of those boundaries have consequences.
As to what HE claimed his psychologist said? Um. I don't believe the psych said that. If you want to test my (our...see Sally's grain of salt) theory out? Tell your husband that you would like to talk to this psychologist yourself because what he said (the HE here is not your husband but the psychologist....This is important. You do NOT want to suggest that your husband is lying. That will set him off.) does not fit with all of your reading. Keep calm as you say this.
Two things can happen.
Your husband might say "Be my guest. I wish you WOULD call the psychologist." And he gives you the phone so you can make the call right away.
I find this an UNLIKELY SCENARIO.
The more likely scenario is that your husband will be very upset at the notion you want to talk to the psychologist. THAT upset will confirm that his account of what the psych told him is BS.
Keep him at arm's length until you see major changes sustained over weeks or months.
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