Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

Hey all, its been quite awhile since ive been on. Please excuse grammer and all that, as im on my phone at the moment. Anyways, since I was here last, weve had the wedding (august 13), and as is usual with all this, things have been up and down.

Ive finally come to the honest realization that this marriage is not going to last. He is on meds and all, but he refuses talk therapy and he is diagnosed with borderline traits. I have said it before and I said it again today, that the borderline traits are his biggest issue... He makes a big issue out of everything, and that drags him down. I mean, he finds a reason to complain, even though he knows its not that bad, and then the borderline kicks in to say 'give me more attention' (i dont mean to be offensive by saying that, but that is the biggest borderline issue for him). Frankly, im getting very tired of it.

Last night i thought hey maybe we can go to a movie and then when i got home I honestly didnt want to, he responded with 'thanks for getting my hopes up' in 'that' way.. So i dropped what i was doing and said 'fine leys go' and I went to the car and waited for him. He has been acting like a child so much lately, that ive had it... He was doing something ridiculously childish in the theatre before the movie started so I told him as such.. Basically i ended up saying something along the lines of ' if I married a 5 year old, we have issues' he responded like i was joking and i made sure to correct him. He started crying, honestly, i just ignored him and didnt pay any attention to him the rest of the night.

Im so tired of having to ask him how hes feeling or him just start complaining about it... Ive been depressed for at least two months, including our wedding day... And I dont even think hes noticed

I have more ecamples of him acting like a child, and doing things for 'us' but really only for himself.. I just dont know how to deal with it anymore...

Sorry for the rambling, I hope someone here has some answers.

Wow, Drey. You just got married in August and you are second guessing the marriage lasting already? That is depressing. I'm sorry you were depressed on your wedding day. That couldn't have been good. To me, it sounds like you are most frustrated and annoyed with his childish behavior. I can understand that. Why won't he try therapy? Has he ever? I think with Borderline the treatment is mainly talk therapy, isn't it? I hope you can find a way to encourage him to try it--sounds like he may need to do it just to save his marriage.

He is diagnosed as bipolar 1 rapid cycling, with psychotic symptoms and borderline traits. He is supposed to be in therapy, but he refuses to see the guy he got and refuses to ask for someone else.

You are 100% right, that the childish behaviour is the problem... I thought i was marrying a man, not adopting a 5 year old. I honestly dont know how/if I can make this work.. I have no one to talk to and there is no free counselling of any kind available.

I have no idea what to do.

Post edited by: Tracymomma, at: 10/11/2011 01:38 PM

Have you talked to him, Drey? What is HE going to do to make things better? Really, he has to take responsibility for his own behavior and stability. You going to counseling won't really help his problem, he needs to go. I think it's a great idea for you to go to counseling if you can. Just know that it will be to help you to cope and problem solve on how to navigate through this, not how to get him to do what you want. How was he before the wedding? Was he behaving this way then?

Hey.

Hey, is in that 'wonderful' self pitying depressed mood, and has been for a few days now... So no, I havent talked to him at all. Actually, I have only said six words to him all day to be honest...

I think he was the same before the wedding, maybe not qute as much... Im not even sure to be honest, all the stress of the wedding kept us both pretty busy...

I guess I should have just seen this all coming...

Don't blame yourself for anything. I'm sure you were thinking, like most people, that the time around the wedding would be blissful. How could you see that this would be coming if he wasn't like this before or at least not as much? And you're right, getting ready for a wedding isn't real life. It's a busy time working on plans for a one day event that takes over your life. It's easy to see how things might get by you. But the point is, what is he doing to get himself taken care of? It's too bad he is refusing to see a therapist. I think this is his biggest mistake. Does he take meds? (I hope so if he is bp) I realize you are feeling depressed, have you seen a dr. about this? Feeling depressed isn't helping anything with your marriage either, so please take care of yourself and see a dr. Maybe if you are taking care of your depression you could think about things in a different way. Whether that be making a decision about your marriage or finding a way to make it work. But you need to talk to your husband about this, eventually. Just my opinion, I hope you can find a way to feel better soon.

Drey, I am so sorry that your marriage is taking this turn so early.

I have some ideas but let me start with the BIG one: he really HAS to start taking responsibility for his own stability. He can ask you for help. He can ask you to do some major parts of it...(My husband is fine with finding a therapist but he HATES finding doctors--psychiatrists included. I do that.) but he HAS to take the biggest and first steps. It sounds like you are close to making an ultimatum. I would urge you to MAKE THAT ULTIMATUM. Therapy or we are done.

My other suggestions are about how you can do things differently, but unless he does HIS part, I don't think you really want to work on this. So I will not even post them until you tell us he is stepping up.

I agree with Wife 100% about getting some help for your depression. As soon as possible.

Hang in there. However this turns out, you will survive.

Well, luckily it seems he is coming out of his 'depressed mood', we both talked about random things (funny things at work and such), which we haven't done in about a week, while we were in bed last night. We also both seemed to get a good sleep, which is a change.

I think just, finally talking about something, even though it wasn't all that important, was good for both of us.

The plan tonight is to take the dog to the off leash area tonight (if the weather is good) or go to the SPCA and play with one of the dogs there (if the weather is bad). At least it's something.