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07/29/2011 07:45 AM

Please help, I am so lost

cynamon
cynamon  
Posts: 30
Member

ok, so I believe that the reality and the gravity of everything that has happened in the last 2 months has finally become real. I am on such an emotional rollercoaster lately that I am starting to feel how my 'B' acts. While I have finally come to terms with the fact that he is sick I still can't seem to make myself believe that this illness can make someone I thought was my soulmate cheat on me with a ( i will keep it clean on open forum) "female". On my good days I love him and want to support him so bad and on my bad days (like the last few) I hate him and want to leave him. This morning I wrote him a letter stating that I thought we should put our relationship on hold which really was my way of saying its over nicely. I am terrified that monday morning or tomorrow or whenever I will wake up on a good day and hate myself for making the decisions I made on my bad days. today - I feel nothing for him except anger and pain, but 2 days ago I loved him so much and was excited to go through treatment for him together. I feel like i am putting my children through the very same roller coaster i am going through cuz they watch me go through the emotions and I am sure they feel them as well. I am so broken I don't know where to turn or what to do anymore :'( any suggestions as to how I deal with this roller coaster or insight as to what to do next would be greatly appreciated....thank you.
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07/29/2011 08:52 AM
joycea
joycea  
Posts: 807
Senior Member

cyn,

what you are feeling is loss. loss of trust, loss of confidence, many losses. takes time to get over it. sometimes you never do, but rest assured you will go on. that is life. however hard we find it, it does go on and on and on.

are you seeing a therapist? if not i believe that you should check in on it. they can help.

is B going to the pdoc, and taking meds? if not he has to. it would be good if you go with him.

is he remorseful for his actions toward you?

you can write whatever you feel here. all of us will support you, no matter what.

you can ask for advice. there are many here that can offer, hard learned advice.

i, myself, have had to live thru bp1 outbursts. verbal abuse, adultry, the roller coaster. i took all i could take. the adultry was the last straw. that is when i gave him ultimatums.

he is now as stable as i have ever seen him. goes to his pdoc, takes his meds as prescribed, and treats me with the respect i deserveWink

we are still working on making our marriage a good one. even if neither spouse is bp, marriages have to be worked on all the time.

keep us updated. pm me if you feel you need to.

hang in there, we are here for you.

joyce


07/29/2011 09:19 AM
cynamon
cynamon  
Posts: 30
Member

That is the part I don't understand.....He cries all the time about how sorry he is and how ashamed as well as disgusted in himself he is. He also talks about it like he looks back at the affair and almost feels like he has been abused and feels dirty re the encounter, like he was made to watch an ugly affair on tv. He has been more than diligent about treatment, takes his meds on time everytime. We have been to his first psychologist appt at our local mental health clinic and she has booked him his first psychiatrist appt. for next week which we have both agreed i will attend all of. Like everyone else talks about, I too have deal breakers and some of mine are that he works hard on his treatment plan and identifying triggers and sharing it all with me and he has, another one is filling out his mood chart, and sometimes he forgets if he has worked late but it is always filled out first thing in the morning or as soon as he is able. He is following through on everything he has been told he must do in order for me to stay and all the while some days it is not enough and i feel very selfish about that too. It's almost like I try to find reasons other than those because he IS doing all of them to doubt his love for me........not sure what that is all about O_o

07/29/2011 09:29 AM
joycea
joycea  
Posts: 807
Senior Member

cyn,

try to give it time. time is the healer of all things.

i know what you are going thru....my hubby was unfaithful almost 5 yrs ago, and sometimes i look at him and feel the hurt and anger coming back.

you can forgive, but it's darn near impossible to forget, when they have hurt you so bad.

the important thing is you.

i am working on my marriage.. we have a beautiful adopoted 5 yr old, and his income is relevant to my way of living. i could get by on my retirement alone, but that is all i could do, is get by. he is a wonderful father to our son, and is really trying to be a great husband to me.

things have changed.............a lot................

since his indiscressions.

i still love him, but no longer know if i am in love with him. ?make any sense?

we are here for you

joyce


07/29/2011 09:52 AM
lollipop
lollipop  
Posts: 4288
Group Leader

Cyn, try to hang on. I am going to be pm'ing you later on today. I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you before now, but those grandkids kept me busier than a one-armed paper hanger while they were here this last time...sheesh. Anyway, I know EXACTLY the emotions you are describing, as that was me 18 months ago. Please try not to rush into anything. You know how important your B has been to you and how wonderful you both can be together. You've told me this. So please don't rush. Try to get some counseling if you can. You will be amazed at the things you will hear his psychiatrist say when you go for meetings with him/her? You can ask questions at those pdoc appointments, too. I sure hope B gets a good one and gets the continued support he needs from his pdoc. You've been through ALOT lately. Go easy on yourself. The feelings you are experiencing right now may be energy you can't figure out what to do with. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I scribble when I'm angry. Get a piece of paper out and scribble all over it. And think about doing what my counselor told me to do. Get a rock or pebble or really ANYTHING that you can let represent your life. I chose a rough stone. I wrote MY LIFE on one side of the rock. My counselor told me to carry it everywhere with me and when I let my emotions start to run away with me....I had to go lay the rock down somewhere else to symbolically show me that I was giving my life away at that moment and choosing to give it up and over. I've been doing better. I need to go pick out a smooth stone now, because things are running more smoothly in my life. My goal is to eventually switch from a rock to a piece of satin I can carry around with me when things really smooth out. Then I'm going to go to a feather when things super lighten up. Everyone on this forum has been so good to me and they actually helped me figure out the process. The rough stone, the smooth rock, the piece of satin, and then the feather. They knew it would be a process for me. It has been and still is.

Hang in there, if you can. B is sorrowful for his actions, he is getting help, he is willing. And you know...my husband actually felt like he was molested last year. He knows he wasn't. Intellectually he knows he was as much responsible for the cybersex, etc as the other woman. But when his mania was over, he was done with all of it. She was no more important to him then as she had ever been. But he was left with a nasty feeling. It plagued him for months. It even caused him intimacy problems for quite awhile.

I'll be checking on you more often, okay? Hang in there. Please, if you can, for a little while longer. You can always leave later if you just can't make it. That option will always be there. Please know, there is no condemnation in leaving the relationship if you feel you must. Take care, cynamon.

And the word you meant was WHORE. Nearly every person on this forum agree and are of the opinion that anyone (man or woman) that deliberately conduct themself sexually with a person when they know FULL WELL that they are in another exclusive relationship is a whore. Especially is they don't have any mental illness.. And especially if they know the person has a family, too, and try to keep on acting out.

And yes, it is alright to express yourself. I said so many things on here and was extremely graphic. It helped me to get it out of me. Take care. Love, Laura

Post edited by: lollipop, at: 07/29/2011 10:01 AM


07/29/2011 11:06 AM
marriedtoit
marriedtoit  
Posts: 11541
Group Leader

Cyn, we have several members here whose marriages survived affairs their spouses had while manic, so I know it can be done. But it is NOT easy. I have watched dear Lollipop struggle with this for a long time...and she still struggles some days.

I agree that you shouldn't do anything rash right now. Just give it some time. You can still end the marriage later on. But do it from a calmer place, I say. See how you feel once he gets stable. And stable takes some time.

I also agree with getting a therapist for you. You will really feel so much better if you do.

Finally, I have to say that "WHORE" might be too good a name. How about "SKANKY A$$ HO" instead?


07/29/2011 11:47 AM
patientlove
patientlove  
Posts: 1153
Senior Member

Are you religious? I know that religion is what is helping me forgive DH. Whether we stay together or not, I realize that forgiveness is not just for him, it is for ME, too. I think Lolli was the one who pointed this out to me. If you are religious, try seeking some sort of spiritual counseling in addition to professional therapy.

One thing I've learned and held on to is that I WILL NOT allow the OW to bring me down to her level. I will NOT let her turn me into a person that I am not. It's ok to be hurt and angry now, but don't let it take over you.

Personally, I'm a Christian, but I'm sure this works for most higher powers/religions, too. I was so mad and hurt, then I walked into church on Sunday and it was a pure coincidence that the priest's sermon said, "Jesus never said I will forgive everything but THAT. He forgives everyone." And I felt like he was talking to me.

I still have a long way to go to get over this hurt, and I admit, I absolutely HATE the OW, blame her for what happened to our marriage, and feel like she took advantage of my sick husband. I don't understand the OW mentality. But I need to focus on MY LIFE and not on her. The same for you. Focus on fixing your relationship, on the present and the future and not the past.

I wish you the best and will be thinking about you. Stay strong.


07/29/2011 01:40 PM
cynamon
cynamon  
Posts: 30
Member

Thank you so much all of you. I would be lost with out you - truth. I made the phone call this afternoon to get and get some help for me too and the wierdest thing happened.... my 'B' said that if I was not strong enough to follow through that he would be happy to take over like i have for him..... :'( and also asked if he could be there for me like i have for him........As for the religion (i Hope i don't offend anyone in the next paragraph) I was once religious and then something very awful happend to me when I turned fifteen and i have been so mad with my higher power that I haven't been able to believe in the things i once did......maybe some day I will revisit that........

07/29/2011 02:27 PM
lollipop
lollipop  
Posts: 4288
Group Leader

I'm glad to hear that B is trying to be there for you Cynamon! I know that must be so encouraging for you!

07/29/2011 09:14 PM
marriedtoit
marriedtoit  
Posts: 11541
Group Leader

Cynamon....Many people in this group are very religious. But MDJ is NOT a religious site. And we are a welcoming and nonjudgmental group! So please don't worry about offending anybody. And if someone posts a "request for prayers" you just chime right on in with a "You will be in my thoughts" or whatever you feel is supportive. If anybody gets out of line with religion on here (like trying to push it on you or suggesting it can cure acne/diabetes/bipolar?), please PM any of the group leaders and we will set the posting person straight....

But WOW. It sounds like your loved one is really trying to help you get through this. That is a good sign.

Keep us updated. We care about you!

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