Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

I think it would be good to post some qualities we don't just want, but require for a healthy relationship. What do you consider to be important? I think it is easy sometimes to forget what is basic to a relationship when we are in the middle of turmoil. The message I try to emphasize in our group is to TAKE CARE OF YOU. So I'm trying to get us to think about how to do that by remembering what we value in a relationship.

I'll start off by saying there has to be respect. Without it, I feel a relationship is in trouble. Especially when it's one-sided. This goes both ways. The person with the illness needs to respect the person who is committed to him/her and sometimes acts as their caretaker. And the person who loves the person with the illness needs to respect that this illness is just that, an illness that the person did not ask for, is a brain chemistry imbalance, and their behavior may not be rational at times. BUT, the person with the illness, wanting to be in a relationship, MUST respect themselves as well as their SO and be willing to do EVERYTHING in their power to manage their illness and take care of themselves.

I think that the key is to be a team, no matter what. My husband was my first serious relationship (fresh out of high school). I do not know what it's like to be in a relationship without bp. Over the years, I have found that it works best when we openly communicate. My best friend since elementary school doesn't understand how we can have such a close relationship. She loves her husband, but I don't think she is in love with him. She could care less if they do things together. That's very sad to me. They don't talk. So, be a team and communicate!!! final answer.

Communication is very important between spouses, whether they are bipolar or not. Also, with the understanding that mistakes will be made in any relationship; it's important to realize it will be a "given" in a relationship with bipolar disorder present. Due to the chemical imbalances that WILL occur from time to time, being able to differentiate between extreme depression, hypomania, full blown mania, and stability will give us a headstart in circumventing destructive episodes and putting our "stability strategies" to work. Wife is absolutely correct, respect must be present in any successful relationship.

I've thought up a little analogy...Respect must be at the bow of our relationship, Loyalty and Trust are equally important coming up on the port and starboard sides. Patience is located in the stern. Love is the propeller, thrusting us forward through the many waves and squalls that WILL come. Knowledge is the rutter controlling our direction while the relationship is still afloat and active. Commitment is the engine, powered by Willingness. Our ship's name can be the "Bipolar Emprise", flying the flag of Desire.

This is a picture of our Love Boat.

Post edited by: lollipop, at: 06/14/2011 06:56 AM

One of mine is trust, until my husband's last episode I could trust him. Now that he is stable, I can again, but when I couldn't was when things were really bad. I never thought I would see the day that I couldn't trust his judgement, it was heartbreaking for me because I always thought that I found the perfect guy to be with me for the rest of my life. I knew when he was going through his episode, it wasn't really him I couldn't trust, it was him with this untreated disorder. I think that is what kept me going and keeping the faith that it would be good again. Today he is stable, trustworthy, and a great partner, I take it one day at a time.

for me the key is trust..no lying, period..

what else is there if there is no trust?

I think the biggest hurdles have been mutual respect and open communication in our relationship. And those are getting better, we have been working on that. The respect has to come first I think, and then you can communicate on an even level instead of being one-sided. Trust is a biggee too... I would hope if there is mutual respect and communication then trust and truthfullness would follow.

I think in a relationship you have to be a team, no longer just "me", but work together.

Counseling has really been a good way for us to learn to communicate. And without effective communication, it makes having a respectful relationship very difficult. I also think compassion goes along with respect.

Nothing good can happen unless both parties have respect for themselves and for the other person. If you can't trust the person absolutely and completely with everything from your money to your life, you can't really have a good relationship. Good communication is also important in any relationship. You absolutely have to have these three things.

You also have to be true friends. No relationship can last for long if you are not the best of friends. You have to like each other as well as love each other. They are very different things.

If you have those four things, you can have a successful long-term relationship IF you also have common goals and values. You have to have similar beliefs, morals and values. If one person is completely honest and the other sees nothing wrong with cheating in order to win, for example, you have a real problem.

You also have to be working toward the same goals. If one of you wants to have 8 kids and live on a farm in Nebraska but the other wants a child-free life in a penthouse in Manhattan, all the love, trust, respect and communication in the world can't make it work. Your goals are too different.

I think of it this way: the two people in a relationship are like a team of oxen. They can make great progress when they pull together, but if they are pulling in different directions they get nowhere.

Essential qualities in a man: kind, gentle, responsible, loving, affectionate, patient, forgiving, flexible, compassionate, generous, sweet, considerate, thoughtful, dependable, good with money, good with my family, and good in a crisis, He also has to be able to laugh at himself and see the humor in even the worst situation.

(Just an observation... is it bc we are all women? But "physical intimacy" - sex - isn't on any of these...) Of course... that to me doesn't mean much if these other things aren't in place FIRST. Then it is just an act,, not "intimate". IMO.

That's true. Notice no one has said anything about physical attractiveness either. Is that because it's a given or because it's not all that important to us?

You know it would be #1 on most men's lists.