What do you do when your SO says something or makes a request and it is not ok with you or sounds kind of irrational, but...if you don't go along with it you feel like there will be an episode?
I had this happen this morning. He wanted to take my kitchen stool to the park to put his amp on (he's playing his guitar for church in the park today) and I told him to take a bench that I don't really care what happens to it. He proceeded to tell me that he was getting pissed off and I was making it hard for him to be "ok" and maybe he just shouldn't play his guitar today...yada yada yada. So, I gave in and said, "fine, take the stool, whatever it takes to keep you from going bolistic on me". Whoaaaaa. Did that come out of my mouth? Well, he left the house for a while, and when he came back in I apologized for that comment and then he asked again if he could take my kitchen stool! (sigh) Fine, take it. I guess it isn't that big of a deal. It goes against my nature, but I gave in and now that I've been awake for more than 2 minutes, I realize it really isn't a big deal.
I think well yes you have to choose your battles you can't lose yourself either. I mean if it is your favorite stool and you don't want him to ruin it by setting it on the ground then maybe you do say something, but if it does not mean that much than maybe you let it go. I guess it's a fine line and I am sure it is not always easy to know what side to be on. Maybe instead of just flat out saying you can't take it, maybe suggest something else that might work and explain, this is my favorite stool and I really don't want it to get dirty.
Don't feel bad about this morning, you had not been up that long and he threw you a curve ball. I bet he was just nervous about playing or something like that and it did not have as much to do with the stool as he made it seem.
((wife)) I hope the rest of your day goes a bit better!!
Why do they ask when they know they are going to do what they want anyway? LOL
Just like a teenager... and just like with kids I agree, you choose your battles!
06/12/2011 01:25 PM
Posts: 3933 Group Leader
It might have bothered me more before, but now, I also choose my battles carefully. They are far and few between, I just don't let things bother me like I used to, I can't afford to. You probably wouldn't have responded that way initially either Wife, if you were AWAKE, thats not playing fair
So true, you guys! Not being awake and having my furniture hauled out of the house doesn't sit right with me! I did suggest he take the bench, but it wasn't tall enough, of course! Enough, I think you are right on, he was very nervous about playing.
Anyway, the conclusion to the story of today, he did a great job playing, even though there was a curve ball thrown at him. The keyboard didn't work, so he had to play his guitar by himself. He did great under pressure.
The rest of the day was great. He's going through his usual rough time (birthday/Father's day time of year) and I really think with all that's been going on, he's been exceptional. I'm still not that great about picking m battles, but I'm getting better.
Haha, sometimes they act like little kids, don't they? Freaking out about a stool?! A lot of the times, I just roll my eyes and let him do whatever as long as it's not hurting anyone. I get more upset when he stays out late.
06/13/2011 10:48 PM
Posts: 11201 Group Leader
My husband doesn't act child-like. I think there is a major difference between children or teens who are throwing a tantrum and an adult who has a mental illness and needs special consideration.
Sorry for getting all serious here, but I just don't like the way the tone was going.
Here is what I think happened, Wife. I think your husband was nervous about performing in the park. Performing outside is always something I dread too. Trucks can drive by. Planes can fly over. It is possible that the whole thing will just blow up because of all this external noise. He realized he needed to set his amp up at a certain sort of height and looked around...Well, THAT is the right height. He saw the stool.
And here is where I think bipolar people are alot like the rest of us...If I was about to go out and perform and was worried about failing, I might have taken that stool and not even told you I was going to. I am not sure that I would have gone through, right then, the negatives of taking some article of furniture outside the house.
If the stool had gotten damaged? Then it would have set in.
I should add that I am not all that attached to things. Boo-hoo Wah-wah story from my childhood: I grew up with parents who both were from pretty poor backgrounds. But my parents were both public schoolteachers, which was a definite step up for them in terms of health care and retirement and eventually salary. My folks were INORDINATELY concerned about the few things they had the money to purchase. Their first stereo, a new dining table and chairs, a new couch. All of the above were in some way damaged by me or my brothers. I resolved I would NEVER care about things in my house so much I hurt the people I love. I am not 100% there yet, but trying.
06/14/2011 02:55 AM
Posts: 4891 VIP Member
Thank you, married. I do think you and enough were right on with the nervousness theory. And the fact that I had just woken up and desparately needed a cup of coffee. I finally did realize it wasn't that big of a deal and I understood why he needed the stool. (still wish there would have been something else to use) But your comment on not caring about things in your house so much that you hurt those you love...I guess I am guilty of caring too much about my "stuff". God knows there has been a lot of intentional and unintentional damage around here because of the kids and my husband. When he really started in with the property damage, at first he was more selective and chose things that were replaceable or things his mom gave us. Then later, he broke some of my antique dishes and dishes that we use everyday. He has broken the window of the bookcase that is built in to our 1920's house. I am not really materialistic, but the things that I do have that are special to me or things we use everyday (like the stools) mean something to me. This was totally different--him asking to use the stool for his performance. I was about 90% sure he wouldn't damage it, so it wasn't that big of a deal. I think when I'm not at my best, the memories of all the stuff he has destroyed come to the forefront of my mind. I also have a 4 year old with a tendency to draw on every surface in our house. I'm thankful someone invented magic erasers, they pretty much take the crayon off of anything! When you really stop to consider what is important in life, is it our "stuff"? No, it's not, but with the stuff comes the respect of another person's stuff and that comes down to respect of another person. I think we have reached a new level of respect between us and he is finding better ways to cope with his oncoming rage these days.
06/14/2011 07:32 AM
Posts: 1153 Senior Member
married, very good point.
It's always hard to try to understand what they're thinking, since their brains don't really work in the same way as ours. Much of the time I can handle my hubby as a 2 year old when he "throws a tantrum," by giving him space and some time to blow off some steam (aka let him pout), but it's good to understand WHY he's acting like that so that we can avoid that situation. Sometimes it IS him being spoiled, but other times, he just can't handle a certain situation (like large crowds).
We do need to take a step back and try to figure out WHY they are doing what they are doing, and realize that it isn't going to work the same way as it does in our brains.
06/14/2011 08:26 AM
Posts: 4891 VIP Member
patient, I'm sorry you feel your husband acts like a two year old, pouts, is spoiled and has tantrums.
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