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06/09/2011 01:12 PM

The Hardest Thing I've Ever Had to Do

tysgurl2321
tysgurl2321Posts: 8
Member

I had originally posted this in my diary and it was suggested that I post it here for more adivice...

Being just "friends" with someone you are in love with, is not an easy task.

T and I have been acting like friends with benefits for the past two days and I can't think of anything more difficult. Especially since we live together. The only reason I'm doing this is to try and support him and be what he needs right now, but in turn my needs are getting overlooked.

I'm just a big bundle of emotion that is ready to explode. I want soo badly to kiss him and tell him how much I love him, but I have to push it all to the side and pretend for a while it doesn't exist. I get so sad at times when I look at him becuase I need him as much as he needs me, but I don't get any support while he's depressed like this.

I appreciate all the people on this site and any insight you have would be fabulous!

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06/09/2011 01:32 PM
marriedtoit
marriedtoit  
Posts: 11207
Group Leader

It is hard to say, Tysgurl, but it sounds like he is just depressed and in an "I don't want to burden you" mode. And I hate to be blunt, but if he is really in a bipolar depression, he CAN'T support you right now. It is not about WON'T but CAN'T. That can be frustrating, but maybe if you realize that it is not about him choosing to not support you but instead about his illness weighing too heavily on him right now for him to support you, that will also be some comfort to you.

I would say that it is not a good idea to crowd them when they are like this, even though it is SO HARD not to. Maybe send him a text every day with "I love you and am here for you"--unless that would be too much for him right now?

Just my initial thoughts... can you go do something just for you? Go for coffee with some girlfriends? Get a new haircut? Go for a drive in the country? Work in your garden or start a patio flower garden? Get involved in a craft you enjoy?

In other words, focus on YOU right now. The time will go faster that way. {{{{{{Tysgurl}}}}}}


06/09/2011 03:03 PM
sallyo
sallyoPosts: 3684
Group Leader

I agree with married. You need to focus on you right now, and learn some coping skills.

At this point he really isn't able to give you what you need. In order to be in a successful relationship with someone who has bp, you must be independent and willing to not take hurtful comments personally. And even then, it can be difficult.


06/09/2011 05:22 PM
lollipop
lollipop  
Posts: 4281
Group Leader

My husband suffers from way more depression than mania, with his bipolar experience. Before he was diagnosed and I still knew very little about bipolar mania/depression, I use to try to talk my husband out of the depression, or expect him to just snap out of it. I always thought depression was just "situational" and had a root cause of something happening life that would cause someone to dip into depression. Well, I now realize this is not always true in the case of an individual with bipolar disorder. Many times when the chemicals are off balance in their brain...they will either go waaaay up high into mania or sweep veerrryyy low into depression. It isn't caused by any external problems (usually) it is just something that happens and they are POWERLESS to overcome the depression without becoming stablized. If they have been taking their meds, sleep, rest, quiet, etc. may be enough to aid them in getting through the depression. If they aren't med compliant, they may need to see a pdoc. It is also beneficial to note that sometimes the meds "just quit working" for whatever reason and some new meds need to be introduced to assist with the chemical imbalance in the brain to achieve stability.

I've done it all....taken his mood swings very personally, thinking that surely something is wrong with me for him to act like this around me. Sometimes, when in severe depression, they won't talk or they will seem irritable and in a bad mood. Sometimes they will sleep constantly...just can seem to stay awake. Sometimes we will interpret their behavior as being self-centered or plain selfish. During severe depression they aren't interested, usually, in going places, having people over, or any type of social gatherings....even church, at times. Sometimes it affects their ability to work each day. It can also affect their ability to concentrate or express themselves. Severe depression can be totally debilitating. And there is nothing...NOTHING...they can do about it, other than to take care of themselves by taking their meds, sleep, and try not to get over stimulated by their surroundings.

Please understand that it isn't because of you that he is in this depression. One thing I had said to me by my husband's pdoc is..."It's like cancer or any other kind of debilitating illness. You have to take care of yourself and do what you can and that's all you can do." I think what may make it more difficult to understand the mania or depressive episodes of bipolar disorder is the fact that the person "looks the same", nothing seems different to us...but then SUDDENLY they swing high or low. We begin to wonder if we've said something wrong or done something to cause it. Or we become angry because we KNOW we didn't do ANYTHING to cause it. We personalize it, we begin to quiz them about "why" they are acting the way they are, etc. I've learned personally if I don't give my husband some space and literally SHUT UP while he is suffering from some depression, he goes deeper into the depression coupled along with guilt because he knows I need him but he can't "snap out of it". My husband watches me when he is down. He is so afraid that I'm upset and he feels so inadequate when he is depressed because he can't change things. It has to run it's course. When I finally began to understand bipolar disorder better and got it "deep down inside of me"....the fact that it wasn't about me AT ALL. To be honest, it isn't even about my husband as I normally know him. It's like he is being hijacked by his illness and has to go where it takes him. Up or down. Up or down. We live for the moments inbetween....when we can relax and enjoy one another. Some up and some down is okay....but the waaay ups and the waaaay lows....hurt so bad. Many times my husband feels so guilty about not being able to act normal and do the things we use to do. But instead of being able to express that to me, he comes across as being aloof. He has told me before that he doesn't know why I put up with him and that I should free myself and get rid of him. Leave him. Depression is so hard. If we gripe at them, it makes it worse. But we have to understand good times will come around again....just have to wait for them. Take care. We are here for you. Keep posting.


07/23/2011 01:33 PM
yangshithead
 
Posts: 41
Member

Hi,

I know I'm a few months late to posting--but after reading you're post I had to respond. I was in EXACTLY the same situation as you, except I'm the one with bipolar disorder. There was a 'friend' I was living with who was more like a friend with benefits but we always said we were just friends, but we were the only ones kidding ourselves. Both of us we're going through life changes--getting off drug addictions and staying clean and starting our new careers, supporting each other in living a better life and becoming a better person.

We started off as just friends, but once he moved in, things escalated and we we're definitely in love. We we're still pretending to be just friends, always saying 'I can't be in a relationship right now... I need to focus on my career/my self' but the heart does not always cooperate. I, like you, had to start hiding my feelings and it killed me. During this time I entered in a manic phase with an underlying depression, which then switched to a depression and started getting worse. It was also during this time when I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder... After a month of living together I told him how I felt--what was there to lose? But instead I lost everything, he moved out, we stopped talking and I lost my best friend. If he is depressed, and you love him, give him some time--don't put any pressure on him! He already is going through a lot especially with bipolar depression--just be there for him, and he'll come around if he likes you too. Show you love him through actions. Good luck!


07/23/2011 01:43 PM
yangshithead
 
Posts: 41
Member

Also, one of the reasons he told me it would never work was because he said he would want to save me, and he knew he couldnt, and that would kill him. (he also told me i was 90 percent unstable... i agreed... but during that time i wasnt on meds/getting help)

I admire you for how much you care for your bipolar significant other, so much that you would post on here! You obviously care for him very deeply which is something I'm sure he deeply appreciates. Unfortunately people with bipolar depression, are almost victims to their feelings and their highs and lows; we seriously cannot control it, but can make things better through meds, diet, sleep, therapy, routines, etc. I feel it is unfair, but sometimes the people around us have to be extra sensitive to us because we are so sensitive. What helped me the most (and I have bp) was when my significant other would comfort me, and try to distract me from being sad. Plan happy things for you and him to do,or distract him from his sadness-bring him outside, take him out into the sun, have him come with you while you shop for groceries or bring him to a concert or something he would enjoy! That helps make people happy.


07/23/2011 03:12 PM
yangshithead
 
Posts: 41
Member

ps. this song explains it so well: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0ZgZit_k1I

Timing Is Off by the Eels


07/23/2011 07:36 PM
taylynn
taylynn  
Posts: 1866
Senior Member

thank you yang for explaining how you feel as someone having bipolar. It helps us to understand our loved ones that have it. Bless you!

07/24/2011 01:36 AM
lollipop
lollipop  
Posts: 4281
Group Leader

Welcome to our forum and thank you for posting about how it feels to have bipolar depression, etc. It really does help us to know how to better help our loved ones with bipolar disorder.

07/24/2011 03:35 PM
wifeonbpexpress
wifeonbpexpress  
Posts: 4891
VIP Member

I'm so sad for you yang, that you lost your best friend. But I think you really did the right thing in talking about everything with him. Hopefully, some day, he will see things differently. I have found that although I can't fix my husband, I still see the great value of our relationship and he has responded beautifully to my support over the past 6 months. I'm proud of you that you are seeking treatment and trying to get stable. I really feel that although it can be a challenge for some people, it is possible, especially with the support of many, to live a happy, stable life. I wish you nothing but happiness, yang. (interesting profile name, what's the story behind that?!)
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