Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

I just joined this group because I'm looking for a way to hang on to my peace and maintain my sanity. My husband has BP disorder and is in a manic phase. I have locked myself in the bathroom at this moment because I am so worn down by his blaming, ranting, codependent type behavior. He lures me back to talk to him. He's at the door asking me to eat the food he's fixed. From past experience I know what will happen if I go out and try to talk to him. He will bowl me over with his accusations of my perceived transgressions against him. I've tried to reason with him. He is never to blame. It's me. He makes things up. Now it's that I woke him up last night. When the truth is I was up at four this morning because I couldn't sleep. He, in his hypersensitive mood sensed that I wasnt in bed and found me in the office and asked me to come back to bed. When I did quietly come back he grabbed the pillow off my head and threw it. I got up and left for work early. He keeps badgering me. Blaming me for causing him to do these things. I am worn down and don't know where to turn.

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Welcome to the group, Ajschoice. I have to tell you that it sounds like your husband needs a major med adjustment. Can you call his pdoc and tell him or her what is going on?

Or maybe he is not being treated at all? Because some of what you describe sounds very much like untreated manic behavior. A bunch of people here can echo that they have seen this sort of thing.

If he is not getting any treatment, try to enlist his mom and dad and siblings, his pastor, his coach, his friends into helping him see a psychiatrist (pdoc) as soon as possible. A great book for helping you at the untreated stage is

"I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help."

Welcome again. Whereever you are at with this disorder, we are here for you.

You are so right to come here and vent, and to remove yourself from his presence. When they are in this kind of mood, there is not reasoning with them at all. There is nothing you can say where he will believe you are right and even if you agree with him, that won't be good enough. We all know how you feel, I know I for one have been where you are and it is a horrible position to be in. I am sorry you are having to go through this and I pray that things get better for you.

Is he taking meds for his disorder? Is he diagnosed? Does he have a pdoc you can call? Sorry for the questions, but it helps to have this info to help you get through this.

( ( (Ajschoice) ) )

You've given me good food for thought and encouragement. Calling his doc is something I've thought of but never done. He doesn't take his meds regularly so this is one step i can take. It also helps to hear that the situation I described in my post makes sense to you. The mood swings don't bother me as much as the blaming and irrational component. He used to espouse his great coping skills with managing his illness. But the followthrough is not there. He lost his job two years ago and is on his third since then making a routine a thing of the past. I also like your suggestion to get his family's support. I've threatened to call his brothers which always gives him pause but to actively elicit their support in a proactive way is a better idea. Thank you so much for your responses. I feel hopeful. Your comments and questions have really helped me tonight. God bless you both and strengthen you for your challenges as well. I hope I can help someone in turn as you have helped me.

Welcome to the group! Please know that you will never be able to have a rational conversation with him as irrational as he sounds. It won't work. He needs to see his pdoc so he can hear that the meds won't do any good if he doesn't take them regularly as prescribed and/or get them adjusted if they aren't working once he takes them. I would try to not get engaged with him if he is on a rant. Try to stay out of his way if possible. I think it's a great idea to enlist the support of friends and family who understand. Your husband really needs to make some big changes. You cannot live this way, don't think you can for very long. It is a very energy sapping way of life. You could get sick yourself from trying to deal with an untreated husband with bipolar. Take care of you, do things that help you to de-stress. Go for a walk, work out, hang out with friends, laugh, whatever makes you feel some relief. I have been in your position as well. I don't know how I made it through for so long and I had a baby at the time. It was pure hell, but things have turned around completely when I did the things necessary to make him realize he needed to work very hard to keep his family. Good luck and please keep posting. We are here for you and would be happy to help you through this!

Welcome to the group! I agree with the above info you've been given. My husband doesn't tend to rage, but rather leans toward the depressive. I feel bad for everyone that is trying to work through these manic phases with their loved ones when it becomes so difficult due to the irrational behavior. Take care and again welcome!

I hope things go better for you today... hang in there and don't give up on getting him help. I pray his eyes are opened to that need in his life HUGS

Sorry I didn't see this until today but the ladies gave you great advise. Did you call the pdoc? Does he have any in case of emergency meds? Will he take them? If not I would talk to the pdoc about getting some. That can help nip the mania in the bud.

Remember to take care of yourself!

I haven't called the pdoc yet because it's taking some detective work on my part to find the right number. My husband won't tell me or give me the list of currently prescribed meds because he says I will use it against him. I tried to approach the subject casually and delicately but to no avail. I will look through his prescription bottles when he's at work tomorrow and call his brother then too. I felt better today knowing that I make sense to those of you who have been encouraging me. I didn't really know that things could be better in the long run. I feel lighter now. Thank you all very much.

Ajschoice, detective work! I think all of us who love a bipolar partner have done some type of detective work!

I am posting some things here because I know that many people read these forums and never ever post, and they are exactly in your shoes.

You need to turn around the way you are thinking. Entirely. You are thinking (I think) "My husband is a grownup and he can take care of his own health. He has a right to a private relationship with his doctors. He is an adult and doesn't need me involved in the medicines he takes or whether he is even taking them."

YOU CANNOT THINK THAT WAY WHEN A MENTAL ILLNESS IS INVOLVED. You can't. "His privacy" may become "his privacy to bankrupt you both" way too soon. Let me cut to the worst: His "privacy" might become him deciding to stop taking his meds and kill himself. Or deciding to store up his meds and take them all at once to kill himself.

So, it is absolutely essential that you know each and every psych med he is on. (We who are veterans with this are all going--WHAT? SHE DOESN'T KNOW HIS MEDS?)

And it is absolutely essential that you eventually get total and complete access to his psychiatric team. (Psychiatrist, any other folks there who prescribe, and his therapist).

Things can ABSOLUTELY be better. But you gotta get proactive here. You need to know all the meds he is on. You need to know their potential side effects. You need to know their potential interactions (with alcohol, over the counter meds, with any other meds he is on). You need access to his psychiatrist most of all. YOU have to be in a position to advocate for HIM if he is not competent to do so!

It has taken a long time for us to get here, but my husband wanted to get our family lawyer to write out a power of attorney that authorized me to keep hubby hospitalized even if doctors wanted to release him! (This actually came up when I was telling him the stories I heard here at MDJ, where smooth-talking folks with BP--which fits hubby before diagnosis to a T--convince doctors that their SO is the one who is nucking futs.) I have his health care proxy now. (Look into this when things get more level. If he is serious about getting stable, he will want you to have one.) Our lawyer told him that he (our lawyer) would take MY side in any commitment proceeding involving my husband. My husband was satisfied with that, especially since there was no precedent for the kind of proxy he was asking for.

Honestly, if your relationship is to last, he has to share his meds and his doctor's contact info. I hope our other members will weigh in because sometimes I am too strident!

Post edited by: marriedtoit, at: 05/13/2011 10:07 PM